Post by Lucie on Mar 11, 2017 15:11:26 GMT
I thought I would challenge myself to writing a diary. About diagnosis and beyond and exploration with treatment.
I tend to overanalyse everything I do and say and then feel exposed and become hyper critical of myself especially when it comes to online communities . . which stops me from sharing.
I'm trying to work with this and let things be and go . . So I was thinking this might be a step to addressing this.
I'll give a little background to my journey so far.
I'm in my late 30's and was diagnosed last week.
I had significant difficulties from childhood resulting in being excluded from 4 schools and eventually leaving formal education at the age of 16 with no qualifications.
My mum destroyed all my school reports except for 2 saying that they were so negative she couldn't bear to keep them, but the 2 that remain are page upon page of "easily distracted" can't concentrate, "is capable of so much more if she only paid attention" "distracts others" etc.
fortunately when I left school I found work through family friends that kept me interested and engaged. I thank my lucky stars as this gave me a meaningful focus That kept me from going too far off the rails.
My reason for finally deciding to be assessed came through a bit of a metaphorical dark night. Long and likely boring so I won't go into it all . . but basically I experience significant difficulty with focus, restlessness, concentration, retaining dry factual written and spoken information, disorganisation and overwhelmingly strong emotions . . . and all this leads me to feel really frustrated at my limitations and apparent inability to consistently move beyond them and realise my 'potential'.
A couple of examples:
In my 20's I went back to college to do an entry level course in textiles and art. The tutors were impressed with my work and suggested I apply to uni even though I had no GCSE's. I got 5 unconditional offers at interview based on my portfolio . . . but when I took one of the places, within 2 months I was in a total state of anxiety and had to drop out as I found it impossible to retain information in lectures.
More recently, I make things / textile arts and have had significant demand for my work and the possibility to make a decent living from this. However I was totally unable able to manage a productive work rhythm and organise myself. (And then there's the matter of my unattainable perfectionist standards which totally paralyse my creativity, and make finishing things off painfully difficult) and the whole thing became unbearable stressful and I ground to a procrastination standstill utterly frustrated at my own incompetence.
And always the comments, your clearly intelligent, articulate skilled . . You just need to focus and try harder. You just need to believe in yourself!!! Say some affirmations!!! Grrrrrrr.
I'll stop here for now as this is probably getting a bit long. Thanks if you've managed to bear with me
I plan to write again soon and share how I'm finding having a diagnosis after years of suspecting . . which so far I'm finding strangely mixed and emotional.
Also I'm picking up my prescription later and plan to keep an update about my experience with medication when I'm brave enough to start it.
Bye for now x
Read more: aadduk.proboards.com/thread/10912/lucys-diary#ixzz4b2FKPXfp
I tend to overanalyse everything I do and say and then feel exposed and become hyper critical of myself especially when it comes to online communities . . which stops me from sharing.
I'm trying to work with this and let things be and go . . So I was thinking this might be a step to addressing this.
I'll give a little background to my journey so far.
I'm in my late 30's and was diagnosed last week.
I had significant difficulties from childhood resulting in being excluded from 4 schools and eventually leaving formal education at the age of 16 with no qualifications.
My mum destroyed all my school reports except for 2 saying that they were so negative she couldn't bear to keep them, but the 2 that remain are page upon page of "easily distracted" can't concentrate, "is capable of so much more if she only paid attention" "distracts others" etc.
fortunately when I left school I found work through family friends that kept me interested and engaged. I thank my lucky stars as this gave me a meaningful focus That kept me from going too far off the rails.
My reason for finally deciding to be assessed came through a bit of a metaphorical dark night. Long and likely boring so I won't go into it all . . but basically I experience significant difficulty with focus, restlessness, concentration, retaining dry factual written and spoken information, disorganisation and overwhelmingly strong emotions . . . and all this leads me to feel really frustrated at my limitations and apparent inability to consistently move beyond them and realise my 'potential'.
A couple of examples:
In my 20's I went back to college to do an entry level course in textiles and art. The tutors were impressed with my work and suggested I apply to uni even though I had no GCSE's. I got 5 unconditional offers at interview based on my portfolio . . . but when I took one of the places, within 2 months I was in a total state of anxiety and had to drop out as I found it impossible to retain information in lectures.
More recently, I make things / textile arts and have had significant demand for my work and the possibility to make a decent living from this. However I was totally unable able to manage a productive work rhythm and organise myself. (And then there's the matter of my unattainable perfectionist standards which totally paralyse my creativity, and make finishing things off painfully difficult) and the whole thing became unbearable stressful and I ground to a procrastination standstill utterly frustrated at my own incompetence.
And always the comments, your clearly intelligent, articulate skilled . . You just need to focus and try harder. You just need to believe in yourself!!! Say some affirmations!!! Grrrrrrr.
I'll stop here for now as this is probably getting a bit long. Thanks if you've managed to bear with me
I plan to write again soon and share how I'm finding having a diagnosis after years of suspecting . . which so far I'm finding strangely mixed and emotional.
Also I'm picking up my prescription later and plan to keep an update about my experience with medication when I'm brave enough to start it.
Bye for now x
Read more: aadduk.proboards.com/thread/10912/lucys-diary#ixzz4b2FKPXfp