Post by quixotic on May 15, 2017 21:34:21 GMT
Hi, anyone who is reading this!
I'm Jackie, I'm 34, I need somewhere to put all my thoughts and feelings about ADHD and probably other mental health issues like anxiety and depression.
I'm not diagnosed yet. I'm still waiting for my diagnostic assessment appointment to come through. I had a few pages of forms to fill out with three questionnaires for me, one about my childhood, one about the last six months, and one about the last month. I also had a questionnaire for my partner and one for my parents about my symptoms in childhood. I'm going to copy and paste now from the introductory post I wrote on this forum.
I'm Jackie, and I'm here because I suspect I have ADHD. Wow. I feel so anxious just even typing that. I think it's because I can't even believe it. Ok, that sounds weird. I think it's because I'm in my thirties and my whole life I've struggled with issues to do with time management, organisation, starting and completing tasks, concentration, sound familiar? But I've always been told that I was lazy, unmotivated, uncaring, unreliable, untrustworthy, couldn't be bothered, slacking off, no willpower, making excuses, etc. And the idea that I could have been diagnosed with something and got help earlier... it hurts. And of course, the fear that I'm not really experiencing a condition, but I *am* lazy, useless etc. and that everyone else just works harder than me. Because I really have given up on courses, jobs, etc. in the past and now. So I believed all of those labels for so long.
Ok, this is turning out to be a lot more negative than I thought.
Right, positives: I finally read an article that sounded exactly like me and I thought what if I have this? What if it's not just me? It was about executive functioning disorder and I couldn't believe how much it described everything I have struggled with throughout my life. So then, I googled it and found out it was really under the umbrella of ADHD. And I thought: I can't possibly have ADHD. I have trouble getting out of bed. I don't exercise, I don't do anything that I want to do, I have all these plans and then get stuck playing silly phone games all day. And then I read some more and found out that actually you can have the inattentive, impulsive type without being hyperactive. And it all clicked.
So, I'd been diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I started university and my life went to complete crap because I just couldn't do anything, living away from home, except for feed myself (just). I couldn't do laundry, get to lectures, complete work. In fact, I'd been unable to do anything like that in sixth form and had some kind of nervous breakdown, bombed my A-Levels but I got into uni on clearing. And luckily the university saved me quite a lot - I got to see the counselling service and even got to see the uni disability service once but I kept not turning up to appointments. But I retook and retook and eventually scraped a 2:1 in a half Physics, half Computer Science course. (I liked science and maths because there was no essay writing and very little to actually memorise compared to the huge reading lists and coursework of more arty subjects.) (Part of the reason no one considered there was anything wrong with me was that I was supposedly "high IQ" with "lots of potential" so apparently I had to be just lazy).
Fast forward to now, several years and failed jobs and courses later, off work with the depression and anxiety more severe than ever because of my inability to do anything, I finally have a clue and asked my GP for an adult ADHD assessment referral. Luckily, my current GP is lovely and helpful and I'm in SW London so I've been referred to the ADHD unit in Richmond. I've just sent them questionnaires that I, my partner and my parents had to fill out, and I'm anxiously awaiting an appointment.
Soooo... I've been reading on this forum lots, and I see so many stories that are similar to mine. I really feel for everyone going through difficulties. I really feel like my mental health issues have been such a struggle to deal with. Even now I feel like I'm drowning.
I didn't talk about it in the introductory post, but I have a lot of social issues too, not just about school/work. I was always painfully shy and not good at making friends. I tended to put my foot in it a lot. I remember in primary school being told I was "clingy" and "went off in a huff" a lot. I only seemed to have one close friend at a time and while I was friendly with other people, I wasn't able to get close to them. I was almost unable to speak to the opposite sex! I often happily chatted with adults though. Hmm. I was seen as a bit of a brainiac and nerd as well. I never seemed to have a group of friends.... I'd always end up screwing it up somehow. I'd always blurt out things that people thought was a bit mean and rude. This with being told I was clingy meant that I tried to go the other way and then everyone thought I was unfeeling and standoffish in secondary school.
It didn't help that as I got older, my troubles with school work started to put a massive wedge between my family and I, my teachers (previously so supportive because I was always interested in learning) and especially my friends. I was a bit full of it, and got a reputation for answering back to teachers! Despite being also considered quiet and shy. At home I would fight with my parents every night because I couldn't do homework, left projects to the last minute, was forgetting things, being late, could never be told what to do, hated routine, couldn't self-start, was always escaping to read another book (I favoured fantasy and sci-fi).
I was so ashamed and guilty all the time. I think I might have had depression and anxiety from the get go. I never felt happy. I always felt... washed out. Lacking. The best way I can describe it is a quote from The Lord of the Rings, when Bilbo is at his 111th birthday party and the strain of having the evil of the One Ring with him all this time means that he feels all stretched out and "thin, like butter spread too thin on a piece of bread." I still feel like that so often. I can't seem to gather up the scattered threads of my motivation. I always have a million hobbies I want to do but can never seem to do any of them. My concentration has got worse and worse. Memory too. I frequently go blank or say the wrong word. My boyfriend so often exclaims to me "you cannot be that clumsy" when I trip over things and smash off everything in a pile of books on the floor and spill tea and all that sort of thing, usually at the same time, that it's like a catchphrase for us.
I worry and stress about every little thing. My mind races at night going over the same thoughts and I can only play games on my phone to distract myself - I am addicted to Disney Tsum Tsum, Scrabble, Mahjong, Catan and Ticket to Ride, flicking from one to the next endlessly. I have never had a "real, grown up job" - I've only worked for agencies and the like. I was fired from the simplest admin job after uni possible. I just couldn't organise files and papers and that was the only thing I had to actually do, I could just about do some spreadsheets but I just somehow couldn't stop going on the internet and just reading things to stimulate my brain. I started a Masters and failed. I worked as a tutor for a while for an agency which was ok, but I was winging it, usually late even though it was only a twenty minute bus ride from my house, could never do admin or prepare lessons, often losing clients... luckily my boss never seemed to find out... I lost a really big client too, but they just thought it was a bit strange. I was even crap at the admin because my boss made all us tutors be self-employed... I never, ever submitted my monthly timesheets on time even though she wouldn't pay me until I did! I got some awful fines from HMRC for not submitting tax returns, but luckily they waived them when I explained I had depression (that was the only thing I was diagnosed with from the age of 20), generalised anxiety made an appearance too, and I think I've always had social anxiety (I don't think I've ever had it formally diagnosed though.
I then left it all to do a TEFL course because I desperately wanted to travel. I managed to pass the course by hardly sleeping for a month! Then somehow I couldn't get my head together to actually get a job! I managed to be late to every job I had. I then did a Physics PGCE that I lasted about six months on with about 3 hours sleep per night - it was like having deadlines every day, until my head exploded, I barely handed in one of my major essays, lost kids work, lost my mentor teacher's seating plan, couldn't actually do anything anymore, had big time depressive crash and basically couldn't do anything.
Tried to work as a teaching assistant which was ok for a while but then I crashed for many reasons, living with my parents was hell, I was slowly dying inside emotionally, I couldn't seem to keep it together, suicide attempts landed me under a mental health team for the first time, and I got another diagnosis of BPD which is now renamed EID (Emotional Instability Disorder) which I managed to get on a group therapy course for that helped a lot. Also had family But now I'm still out of work and feeling unemployable and generally awful. I can barely do anything. I basically find it hard to cook, clean, get out of the house, anything. I was going regularly to Recovery College SW London for a while, which was amazingly helpful and if anyone is in SW London and is seeing mental health services GO THERE NOW IT SAVED MY LIFE. But I can't seem to implement all the stuff I learned there and use the strategies or do the tasks. I didn't even sign up for the mindfulness or relaxation courses for the last year. I am trapped in either a low energy state or having lots of nervous energy, legs and feet twitching, feeling paralysed.
So I really hope I can get some diagnoses and treatment and finally sort my life out, like I've been saying to myself ever since I was about seven or eight.
"When I grow up, I'll be stable... When I grow up I'll turn the tables..."
I'm Jackie, I'm 34, I need somewhere to put all my thoughts and feelings about ADHD and probably other mental health issues like anxiety and depression.
I'm not diagnosed yet. I'm still waiting for my diagnostic assessment appointment to come through. I had a few pages of forms to fill out with three questionnaires for me, one about my childhood, one about the last six months, and one about the last month. I also had a questionnaire for my partner and one for my parents about my symptoms in childhood. I'm going to copy and paste now from the introductory post I wrote on this forum.
I'm Jackie, and I'm here because I suspect I have ADHD. Wow. I feel so anxious just even typing that. I think it's because I can't even believe it. Ok, that sounds weird. I think it's because I'm in my thirties and my whole life I've struggled with issues to do with time management, organisation, starting and completing tasks, concentration, sound familiar? But I've always been told that I was lazy, unmotivated, uncaring, unreliable, untrustworthy, couldn't be bothered, slacking off, no willpower, making excuses, etc. And the idea that I could have been diagnosed with something and got help earlier... it hurts. And of course, the fear that I'm not really experiencing a condition, but I *am* lazy, useless etc. and that everyone else just works harder than me. Because I really have given up on courses, jobs, etc. in the past and now. So I believed all of those labels for so long.
Ok, this is turning out to be a lot more negative than I thought.
Right, positives: I finally read an article that sounded exactly like me and I thought what if I have this? What if it's not just me? It was about executive functioning disorder and I couldn't believe how much it described everything I have struggled with throughout my life. So then, I googled it and found out it was really under the umbrella of ADHD. And I thought: I can't possibly have ADHD. I have trouble getting out of bed. I don't exercise, I don't do anything that I want to do, I have all these plans and then get stuck playing silly phone games all day. And then I read some more and found out that actually you can have the inattentive, impulsive type without being hyperactive. And it all clicked.
So, I'd been diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I started university and my life went to complete crap because I just couldn't do anything, living away from home, except for feed myself (just). I couldn't do laundry, get to lectures, complete work. In fact, I'd been unable to do anything like that in sixth form and had some kind of nervous breakdown, bombed my A-Levels but I got into uni on clearing. And luckily the university saved me quite a lot - I got to see the counselling service and even got to see the uni disability service once but I kept not turning up to appointments. But I retook and retook and eventually scraped a 2:1 in a half Physics, half Computer Science course. (I liked science and maths because there was no essay writing and very little to actually memorise compared to the huge reading lists and coursework of more arty subjects.) (Part of the reason no one considered there was anything wrong with me was that I was supposedly "high IQ" with "lots of potential" so apparently I had to be just lazy).
Fast forward to now, several years and failed jobs and courses later, off work with the depression and anxiety more severe than ever because of my inability to do anything, I finally have a clue and asked my GP for an adult ADHD assessment referral. Luckily, my current GP is lovely and helpful and I'm in SW London so I've been referred to the ADHD unit in Richmond. I've just sent them questionnaires that I, my partner and my parents had to fill out, and I'm anxiously awaiting an appointment.
Soooo... I've been reading on this forum lots, and I see so many stories that are similar to mine. I really feel for everyone going through difficulties. I really feel like my mental health issues have been such a struggle to deal with. Even now I feel like I'm drowning.
I didn't talk about it in the introductory post, but I have a lot of social issues too, not just about school/work. I was always painfully shy and not good at making friends. I tended to put my foot in it a lot. I remember in primary school being told I was "clingy" and "went off in a huff" a lot. I only seemed to have one close friend at a time and while I was friendly with other people, I wasn't able to get close to them. I was almost unable to speak to the opposite sex! I often happily chatted with adults though. Hmm. I was seen as a bit of a brainiac and nerd as well. I never seemed to have a group of friends.... I'd always end up screwing it up somehow. I'd always blurt out things that people thought was a bit mean and rude. This with being told I was clingy meant that I tried to go the other way and then everyone thought I was unfeeling and standoffish in secondary school.
It didn't help that as I got older, my troubles with school work started to put a massive wedge between my family and I, my teachers (previously so supportive because I was always interested in learning) and especially my friends. I was a bit full of it, and got a reputation for answering back to teachers! Despite being also considered quiet and shy. At home I would fight with my parents every night because I couldn't do homework, left projects to the last minute, was forgetting things, being late, could never be told what to do, hated routine, couldn't self-start, was always escaping to read another book (I favoured fantasy and sci-fi).
I was so ashamed and guilty all the time. I think I might have had depression and anxiety from the get go. I never felt happy. I always felt... washed out. Lacking. The best way I can describe it is a quote from The Lord of the Rings, when Bilbo is at his 111th birthday party and the strain of having the evil of the One Ring with him all this time means that he feels all stretched out and "thin, like butter spread too thin on a piece of bread." I still feel like that so often. I can't seem to gather up the scattered threads of my motivation. I always have a million hobbies I want to do but can never seem to do any of them. My concentration has got worse and worse. Memory too. I frequently go blank or say the wrong word. My boyfriend so often exclaims to me "you cannot be that clumsy" when I trip over things and smash off everything in a pile of books on the floor and spill tea and all that sort of thing, usually at the same time, that it's like a catchphrase for us.
I worry and stress about every little thing. My mind races at night going over the same thoughts and I can only play games on my phone to distract myself - I am addicted to Disney Tsum Tsum, Scrabble, Mahjong, Catan and Ticket to Ride, flicking from one to the next endlessly. I have never had a "real, grown up job" - I've only worked for agencies and the like. I was fired from the simplest admin job after uni possible. I just couldn't organise files and papers and that was the only thing I had to actually do, I could just about do some spreadsheets but I just somehow couldn't stop going on the internet and just reading things to stimulate my brain. I started a Masters and failed. I worked as a tutor for a while for an agency which was ok, but I was winging it, usually late even though it was only a twenty minute bus ride from my house, could never do admin or prepare lessons, often losing clients... luckily my boss never seemed to find out... I lost a really big client too, but they just thought it was a bit strange. I was even crap at the admin because my boss made all us tutors be self-employed... I never, ever submitted my monthly timesheets on time even though she wouldn't pay me until I did! I got some awful fines from HMRC for not submitting tax returns, but luckily they waived them when I explained I had depression (that was the only thing I was diagnosed with from the age of 20), generalised anxiety made an appearance too, and I think I've always had social anxiety (I don't think I've ever had it formally diagnosed though.
I then left it all to do a TEFL course because I desperately wanted to travel. I managed to pass the course by hardly sleeping for a month! Then somehow I couldn't get my head together to actually get a job! I managed to be late to every job I had. I then did a Physics PGCE that I lasted about six months on with about 3 hours sleep per night - it was like having deadlines every day, until my head exploded, I barely handed in one of my major essays, lost kids work, lost my mentor teacher's seating plan, couldn't actually do anything anymore, had big time depressive crash and basically couldn't do anything.
Tried to work as a teaching assistant which was ok for a while but then I crashed for many reasons, living with my parents was hell, I was slowly dying inside emotionally, I couldn't seem to keep it together, suicide attempts landed me under a mental health team for the first time, and I got another diagnosis of BPD which is now renamed EID (Emotional Instability Disorder) which I managed to get on a group therapy course for that helped a lot. Also had family But now I'm still out of work and feeling unemployable and generally awful. I can barely do anything. I basically find it hard to cook, clean, get out of the house, anything. I was going regularly to Recovery College SW London for a while, which was amazingly helpful and if anyone is in SW London and is seeing mental health services GO THERE NOW IT SAVED MY LIFE. But I can't seem to implement all the stuff I learned there and use the strategies or do the tasks. I didn't even sign up for the mindfulness or relaxation courses for the last year. I am trapped in either a low energy state or having lots of nervous energy, legs and feet twitching, feeling paralysed.
So I really hope I can get some diagnoses and treatment and finally sort my life out, like I've been saying to myself ever since I was about seven or eight.
"When I grow up, I'll be stable... When I grow up I'll turn the tables..."