vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on May 30, 2017 17:21:00 GMT
This is my personal diary, i want to keep this for a unknown reason, ill probably want to re read what i write but lets be honest, i probably wont. Just would like to write this stuff down somewhere i wont lose it. Currently 8 days stopped smoking green, whilst i have no side effects i feel daily sad and anxious. Not depressed, ive experienced that twice in my life so far but just feeling sad and unmotivated. When smoking green i felt firstly good, better focus (but extreme memory loss), hyperactivity was lowered to simply the want to do something but not the need to fidget and move so much. Acted as a aid for my underlying issues and whilst my creativity usually is above average, my imagination was crazy whilst smoking. However i quit due to expensive, smoking 2-3 times a day can long term could worsen my cognition, short term memory loss and impulsivity whilst short term it was a solution, i was becoming, not addicted, but dependent. Just like vaping, im not addicted to nicotine, it simply calms my mind and makes me feel better, like a mood enhancer each day. ive quit it for a couple weeks a while ago and simply felt normal again with no side effects. 2 more days until i should get my referral from my GP or ill give her a call hopefully getting an answer on whats the next step. Hopefully ill look back on how i feel currently and be glad i dont feel like this anymore, like i am feeling now about how i was 2 years ago. This year ive had a teacher who has accommodated my impulsive decisions (verbal), and inattention issues. no accommodations made this year to help me with ADHD (support card or anything) but because of it being basic ive done fine in it. ive made my teachers know for next year that i have ADHD and im very very exited to start in a few months. Very exited to be around students which are more intellectual next year too ..not having to explain each word i use in every sentence each year. 2 days is keeping me in there, i enjoy this website because i get to talk about my issues, and believe me, i love to talk. Very exited to get my referral date and thats just another step off my list to getting towards support such as CBT/Meds/Therapy
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Jun 1, 2017 11:36:37 GMT
called my GP's medical center today and said because im 17 they said its a hard age to find a referral but they are going to remind the agency they work with and see how they're getting along with my referral. Hopefully ill be on a waiting list by next week
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jun 1, 2017 11:50:11 GMT
yeah, 17's a difficult one . . CAMHS for under 18 then adult services after . .
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Jun 2, 2017 18:43:14 GMT
yeah, 17's a difficult one . . CAMHS for under 18 then adult services after . . OMG -.- where did all my writing just go. Anyway, i really hope i don't get onto a long waiting list of more than a couple months so i can officially get accommodations next year when i start A-Levels. Right now im actually researching potential options which may be available at my College (England). I told my tutor this year i had ADHD and we didn't really have a plan of action. I've told the person who interviewed me for next year that i have self-diagnosed ADHD and currently seeking my diagnosis and he said he is going to get me a meeting at the colleges 'Learner services', which i presume can only lead to accommodations being made Hopefully i dont get interviewed by the same people in learner services who were the ones who interviewed me that one time i got high at college and almost got excluded...
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Jun 7, 2017 14:28:08 GMT
So... marionk gave me some protein advice and that protein deficiency could be something multiplying my ADHD symptoms..probably due to my poor diet. And tbh when i go for diagnosis i dont want to be told its just my diet and wait longer for a diagnosis. So i bought some whey based protein shakes and its here . Ill probably take 1-2 a day, hopefully ill start to feel a bit better anyway. Will update on how im feeling in a couple days Meanwhile..still waiting a reply from my GP on my referral
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Jun 8, 2017 17:28:40 GMT
Day 2 of protein shakes, hyperactivity is similar as well as inattention. However, feeling better and less hungry throughout the day (well..instead of buying 7 things for lunch and only eating 5 and then feeling stuffed, ive just ate 2 things for lunch today), didnt really get frustrated today over minor things too. in general feeling better
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Post by marionk on Jun 8, 2017 20:28:48 GMT
Glad to hear that. If that's from 2 shakes a day, maybe cut down to just one, and not cut out so much from your normal lunch. Especially keep whatever is high in protein. (Most things say on the back of the packet these days.) Normal sources of protein have more trace nutrients with them and so are a better choice. Obviously if you start feeling rubbish again, go back to two again.
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Jun 8, 2017 20:42:35 GMT
i work with my dad (those are the only day i eat lunch, instead of snacks when im at home), usually get greggs. 2x bacon and cheese wraps, a chicken bake, a sausage roll and a beef and veg pasty and whatever else looks good on the day apart from the regular is the ususal. Literally no clue what the nutrients of that is to be honest haha
Edit: all ive had today was the 2x bacon and cheese wraps and 2 breakfast bars
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Post by marionk on Jun 9, 2017 19:11:56 GMT
They are all mostly carbohydrate with a bit of fat and some protein. The best is probably the cheese and bacon wrap. Just the two for lunch, whatever they were, and however many shakes and whatever else you had the rest of the day is probably about right.
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Jun 13, 2017 21:51:02 GMT
im noticing that im not getting as easily frustrated around my mum, which i usually do unwillingly when we get into a conversation longer than a sentence. I think its because im not receiving any stress at all, which i guess i convey at home (obviously i have developed coping mechanisms to suppress these feelings during college) and whilst i was only on a basic plumbing course this year, whilst i was at college i was stressed every day. Not being able to be active and having to sometimes sit down for lengthy periods during theory (at work i go out on bank runs for our business every 30m or so, then out all day with my dad doing practical work (we run a property company and a pest control company). Another stress inducing factor at college is that im forced to regulate my impulsivity (my anxiety increases when i cannot say what i need to say. Obviously i still do it, but 1/3 of the time at college i have to force myself to supress that feeling, leading to increased anxiety and higher stress), as well as sometimes being overwhelmed/confused (overthinking a single aspect) on easy tasks and people asking me why i cant simply get it done. As well as having to sprint to the bus each morning and being frustrated each time..and socially having to regulate what i say as well as questions or letting others having their turn.
All these factors as well as smaller irregular instances lead to stress, which of course im used to due to the amount of stress i had from secondary school during the later 2-3 years when bullying got severe. However its good to be able to have a sane conversation with my mum. I think that i do have mild ODD being primarily in my home, so eg at my nans birthday meal when we went out i was still my regular 'unacceptable behaviour' of being 'rude'. im mainly 'rude' at family meals because honestly i have no care for them.
Typically i over-analyse most situations, and have a tendency to think to myself subconsciously and impulsively 'what is the purpose of what theyre saying' and if its nothing which can lead to a information gain i find it nil and void and sometimes blurt that out (not so much when we are out, because risk/reward), but when im at home and we have a family meal, if im forced to stay i will simply, every single time, start a argument which leads to upset family members.
Tad of a tangent, but im aiming to improve my attitude towards my mother. However this is being stunted because my mum and dad have decided that they should stop buying me food i like until i start being nice to my mum, which leads to me simply not eating. I will eat maybe 1/2 a meal a day if theres nothing downstairs. Right now i have a pack of oreos im eating as dinner because theres nothing downstairs i consider good. i mostly dont like food that takes longer than 5m to cook
P.S still waiting on my refferal..not even a update...its been like 3 weeks now or maybe 4 since my GP meeting, will call them first thing tomorrow regarding an update
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Jul 12, 2017 20:00:24 GMT
im noticing that im not getting as easily frustrated around my mum, which i usually do unwillingly when we get into a conversation longer than a sentence. I think its because im not receiving any stress at all, which i guess i convey at home (obviously i have developed coping mechanisms to suppress these feelings during college) and whilst i was only on a basic plumbing course this year, whilst i was at college i was stressed every day. Not being able to be active and having to sometimes sit down for lengthy periods during theory (at work i go out on bank runs for our business every 30m or so, then out all day with my dad doing practical work (we run a property company and a pest control company). Another stress inducing factor at college is that im forced to regulate my impulsivity (my anxiety increases when i cannot say what i need to say. Obviously i still do it, but 1/3 of the time at college i have to force myself to supress that feeling, leading to increased anxiety and higher stress), as well as sometimes being overwhelmed/confused (overthinking a single aspect) on easy tasks and people asking me why i cant simply get it done. As well as having to sprint to the bus each morning and being frustrated each time..and socially having to regulate what i say as well as questions or letting others having their turn. All these factors as well as smaller irregular instances lead to stress, which of course im used to due to the amount of stress i had from secondary school during the later 2-3 years when bullying got severe. However its good to be able to have a sane conversation with my mum. I think that i do have mild ODD being primarily in my home, so eg at my nans birthday meal when we went out i was still my regular 'unacceptable behaviour' of being 'rude'. im mainly 'rude' at family meals because honestly i have no care for them. Typically i over-analyse most situations, and have a tendency to think to myself subconsciously and impulsively 'what is the purpose of what theyre saying' and if its nothing which can lead to a information gain i find it nil and void and sometimes blurt that out (not so much when we are out, because risk/reward), but when im at home and we have a family meal, if im forced to stay i will simply, every single time, start a argument which leads to upset family members. Tad of a tangent, but im aiming to improve my attitude towards my mother. However this is being stunted because my mum and dad have decided that they should stop buying me food i like until i start being nice to my mum, which leads to me simply not eating. I will eat maybe 1/2 a meal a day if theres nothing downstairs. Right now i have a pack of oreos im eating as dinner because theres nothing downstairs i consider good. i mostly dont like food that takes longer than 5m to cook P.S still waiting on my refferal..not even a update...its been like 3 weeks now or maybe 4 since my GP meeting, will call them first thing tomorrow regarding an update Still waiting on that reply...
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Post by marionk on Jul 15, 2017 8:32:14 GMT
Have you contacted your GP's surgery about it? What did they say when you phoned them?
Are they referring you to an ADHD specialist or the general mh (mental health) team?
Are you managing to keep up with the protein/shakes?
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Jul 15, 2017 22:25:18 GMT
They contacted me about 1-2 weeks ago and said in a couple days either someone else would contact us, or the GP would contact us again and that i got a out of area refferal due to my age. Apart from that i didnt really understand due to the ladys accent and keep forgetting to call them about it.
Protien shakes? Lasted a couple days before i forgot to take them, meaning to take them, but keep forgetting. Joys
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Aug 7, 2017 22:20:30 GMT
Okay, so. Update. My mum called up the GP and they said theyre currently working on getting me funding for this out of area refferal, IDK i wasnt really paying attention to what my mum was telling me. But yeah, apparently i should be getting a call in about a week about this refferal. At least its the summer, and all this disorganization is fine. However i keep going through 1-2 hours per couple days of social isolation depression which is always fun. Usually go down to see my dog for about 20m and play with her, go get some sun. Watch some tv and eat some food and my mind gets focused off it. I dunno, exited to meet all these new people in September and make new friends. Still havnt told my parents im changing subjects. Its not like its a hard subject or theyd be disappointed or annoyed. Im just really, really good at procrastinating. Im also realizing now how insanely impulsive i am and noticing especially online talking to people whilst playing games, i interupt alot. Really exited for sept meeting these new people, and really exited on this progress for this referral. I get really exited over new things
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Sept 12, 2017 17:36:01 GMT
This all kinda ties up, starting with whats going good then going onto the issues im having right now, which are a large deal to me
Few days into college and so far its okay. Psychology and Sociology are both taught by the same teacher and we when we are in lessons political correctness is out the door. Like, i can say what i want to without being judged? She finds what i say witty and interesting. Feeling really comfortable and really enjoying those lessons so far. I can impulsively contribute which is great, exited for the rest of the year. On the intro week i was also confident, maybe too confident. I am kinda friends to 2 groups.
1 group is 2 girls who knew each other a bit before hand, and i kinda introduced myself in some ice breaker class where we made clothes out of bin bags, and confidence was good in that situation i guess. Then afterwards i asked if i could chill with them and i did. Then for the last day last week and yesterday i tagged along with them and it was okay, theyve joked that i leeched on and followed them but they then invited me to come chill with them when i was minding my own business today. So all is good. The only issue is, im always getting told im witty and come out with interesting things normally. But i keep talking random shit or i just accidentally go into my own little bubble for a few mins.
Theres another group of lads, who go to 2/3 of my class subjects and are on the same bus (live same town as me) to college. But they all seem to pre existingly know eachother and i feel like if i leech to this other group itll end differently. Leech is a bad word, but i hope you get where im coming from.
My social anxiety has come back from over the holidays. Like last year i was fine, but i was in a all male group and we were all in the same class so i guess its different. Also i hate the 3rd subject im doing, im just a little bit slow at it and feel really anxious about contributing. I guess thats because i typically like to take the lead, be the one at the front and when im not and im a little unsure my anxiety builds up. Psychology/Sociology go super fast, its like, Over already?! and im looking at the clock every 10m in Eng Lit. I enjoy it but its the social part i dont like. I always feel like whenever i say something wrong im being judged and im affraid to get it wrong because i know im not the best at it.
If only i could be comfortable in these new social circles (tbh, one of the girls is good looking and maybe thats a contributor when im around them which is normal i guess) but this social anxiety is a pain. I dont know. Just wanted to write this down, any reply would be apprechiated because rn i feel quite alone and going through quite a bit anxiety at college atm. Oh, and btw. Still no god damn reply from my GP
Edit: Also my died has suffered where im only eating dinner because i dont want to pressure the people im with to come where i want to get food because im afraid theyll say no. I also feel im overthinking it all because this is my entire social life and i really do need to talk to people and be social. I forget most people are calm and comfortable because they know and have other friends, welp
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Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 13, 2017 9:58:36 GMT
Hi vaatfk I understand how you're feeling about wanting and needing to be social, but not knowing how to make friends, particularly in groups. . . I try the 'leech' method, but feel left out and get anxious and overthink and overanalyse and imagine that they think I'm weird, annoying and are too polite to tell me to get lost. I read something recently about having more social anxiety with people you know (because their opinion means more to you) than with complete strangers, which really rings true with me. I don't have any advice because I'm 50 and still find it difficult to make friends, in fact, I'm going through a personal crisis/dilemma because one of my very few friends is being distant and I'm convinced it's something I've done (or it's just me) At least you're enjoying some of your college courses.
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Sept 13, 2017 20:40:51 GMT
Hi vaatfk I understand how you're feeling about wanting and needing to be social, but not knowing how to make friends, particularly in groups. . . I try the 'leech' method, but feel left out and get anxious and overthink and overanalyse and imagine that they think I'm weird, annoying and are too polite to tell me to get lost. I read something recently about having more social anxiety with people you know (because their opinion means more to you) than with complete strangers, which really rings true with me. I don't have any advice because I'm 50 and still find it difficult to make friends, in fact, I'm going through a personal crisis/dilemma because one of my very few friends is being distant and I'm convinced it's something I've done (or it's just me) At least you're enjoying some of your college courses. Hey vagueandrandom At least i know someone can relate. Ive even gone to try and look up making friends for young adults with ADHD, but its all to do with children. Like, people still think that ADHD is only for children? Im really good at conversations with people i already know, like and being comfortable around them but I cant seem to make conversation at all apart from point out the obvious. Actually was really awkward today, i didnt mean to but for some reason i kept pointing out the obvious to these guys in my class who i thought were nice when i was on break with them. They then went onto mock me vaping, which is normal in guy groups.. i think.. but they held a negative stigma towards it like i was smoking crack or something? I dont know, i forget people arent always the same. Last year everyone were comfortable talking about drugs, being around people and partaking in smoking weed and smoking cigs whenever. So much different this year where people seem to be scared if a tiny bit of vape enters their proximity. I just ended up spending my free period and lunch (which was 3 hours total) sitting in the corridor reading my psychology textbook, which was hard because i didnt want to look weird and walk outside every 5m because i was hyperactive and didnt want to tap my feet or anything because i thought people would be looking at me weird, which is just a overanalysing thing. I dunno, ill get through it eventually, cant go on all year where i have no friends, right? It must be nice to be normal and not to have all these constant issues. And i can relate to what youre saying about the leech method, in the same boat here. I can also relate to the thing about anxiety + friends vs non friends. After i speak to my friends im like damn, i couldve done that conversation better in so many ways and then i go on a rant in my head. One thing that music cant block out from the little person in my head. Except, whilst these people are friends to me, theyre not people i will associate myself with unless i see them. I feel i need to make friendship somewhere in these new classes because if i dont ill be alone all the time, so my anxiety is still similar to the normal social anxiety anyway. First few days of seeing these people i was confident, as i usually am about anything. But then as time prolongs and i see no progress it starts to turn to anxiety and bad thoughts. And yeah, thats pretty bad that you are struggling with your friend, i dont know if you can relate but i get attached to things and people very easily and its all that great adhd overanalysing which is being a dick to you. Tomorrow ive got Psychology and Sociology all day with no free periods, really looking forward to it. Yesterday i somehow sat down and..i think its called study? for the first time in my life, no exams and no pressure monster. I just opened the book and i wanted to re write my notes and read the entire chapter we did again. Really exited to learn. Did an essay as well about it today (Yeah, i mightve turned up a a hour late to the lesson by accident) and most people seemed to struggle writing one page. I forced myself to stop at 2, but got really annoyed that she said it was only good when i was kinda looking for a excellent or fantastic reply. Edit: Have to get AAB in my A Levels to get onto my Uni course, god damn its gonna be like A*A*F haha Alot of writing, sorry. Hope u made it this far
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Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 14, 2017 10:15:01 GMT
Is there an ADHD support group near you? I find them really helpful. It doesn't usually matter if you're diagnosed or not, it's nice to chat with other people with ADHD irl I hope you have a good day at college today
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Sept 14, 2017 21:39:58 GMT
Is there an ADHD support group near you? I find them really helpful. It doesn't usually matter if you're diagnosed or not, it's nice to chat with other people with ADHD irl I hope you have a good day at college today Cant seem to find one, to be honest. Its nice to even chat to anyone haha. Had a great day at college..learning anyway, great way to end the college week
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Sept 15, 2017 1:11:36 GMT
Is there an ADHD support group near you? I find them really helpful. It doesn't usually matter if you're diagnosed or not, it's nice to chat with other people with ADHD irl I hope you have a good day at college today
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Post by Sj on Sept 16, 2017 11:22:01 GMT
Is there an ADHD support group near you? I find them really helpful. It doesn't usually matter if you're diagnosed or not, it's nice to chat with other people with ADHD irl I hope you have a good day at college today Cant seem to find one, to be honest. Its nice to even chat to anyone haha. Had a great day at college..learning anyway, great way to end the college week
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Sept 27, 2017 16:31:54 GMT
So..its been 2 months now since i shouldve had a call about my refferal (from the outside clinic) and the clinic in my area are working on it and will give me a call back in a few days about whats happening
Anyway..im facing some issues right now, which are big to me.
Anyway good news, had my probationary meeting today (its been 6 weeks then i guess since ive started college and still not told my parents ive changed course..) and we were talking about ADHD and accommodations and theyre going to make me some. All i could think about is that the ID lanyard they give us is really uncomfortable, its like a tag. Super annoying. So theyre going to give me a magnetic one i can put onto my shirt which is gonna make life easier. Ive made a full a4 sheet about the issues i am impaired in whilst in learning and i will discuss them with my probationary person tomorrow. I dont think my Eng Lit teacher understands i have ADHD because shes so hard on me..
But, i always struggle to post things on social media and all that. I say i disagree with the point of it but i think its because i dont like being judged. I try and wear very plain clothes and always go out in a white shirt, anxiety hightens when i wear a white shirt with a brand on it. I wear tracies too so i can try and fit in and feel comfortable too through the day of anxiety. I was always bullied about what i wore (and everything i did tbh) and i just like to wear bland things to avoid attention. I dont even bring a jumper to college because i feel ill be judged.
This needs to change, right? So i made some friends (i think) and was messaging one of them and i sent some videos doing some rap to him whilst vaping. It was just as a joke around and then as a joke he edited them and posted on FB. I find them funny and whilst i wouldnt dare post anything on any social media, i get nervous about texting ffs, i said fuck it. I wont say anything.
People from 2 years ago i was in secondary school with and people i was friends with last year are commenting and tagging people on it saying remember this guy? tagging more people i was 'friends' with last year.
I hold grudges against people but after a while i forgive them. One guy who was a dick with i have nice convos with when i go to get lunch at work as hes a employee at Greggs. This year i started off negatively with a guy on my bus who was the year below me and was a dick, but now we are mates and we have chats. I let him have drags on my vapes and we are chill. Im a chill guy, but its really hard to try and be myself and do anything on social media without having lots of hate..
May i add, ive never actually done anything wrong to these people, they feel its just okay to cyber bully me for no reason..
Edit: Oh yeah, also i was told theres a free swimming pool i can get to 2m away which is free for students at our college, and i was advised to go do some swimming on the days i have a 3 hour lunch to burn off some hyperactivity, im really really exited about it
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Dec 14, 2017 15:20:25 GMT
Been a long time since i posted a update..
So im still in the process with my ADHD referral, ugh. NHS is taking forever. On a separate note though, ive been able to see a psychiatrist about depression and ive been diagnosed with moderate-severe depression, at least that was whats stated on her report. On Prozac 20mg (Fluoxetine), Zopiclone 7.5mg and Ativan (Lorazepam) 1mg. Its a massive pain, and this depressive episode is terrible and has gone downhill since my last post.. However, it feels good to at least be diagnosed with something at the moment, and some validity for how i feel. But ADHD and Depression are such a pain together. The worst part is sitting in my room all day and feeling terrible due to sitting down most of the day and not having the motivation to go out for a walk. Oh well, thought id put a update in on how things are going
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