Post by brettles on Jun 8, 2017 13:25:11 GMT
Just need to rant/vent might be long, so apologies if it is.
I have had depression/anxiety pretty much all my life, got really bad around 13 upwards, Chronic self esteem issues, massive struggles with concentration, learning, and basically listen to teachers. I have always known i day dream a lot. i tend to look at people and i have been told my eyes glaze over. I did this a lot at uni, i was renowned for being the one who decides to draw pictures of lecturers doing " un lecturer like things " rather than actually listen to the lecture. Third year of uni i decided sod this, and worked in the bar instead, struggled with leaving EVERYTHING until the night before it was due in, up all night crying, stressing and flapping until the paper was finished an hour before deadline.
School i took a year off with glandular fever, looking back on it, i think everything just got too much and i couldn't cope with not learning things properly or with people!
A few months ago i was pretty much suicidal, couldn't cope with under performing everywhere i went, couldn't cope with the constant NOISE in my head, every day it was like 1000 radio stations playing and all i wanted to do was listen to one song. I have been on about 10 different anti depressants and anxiety meds, all they seem to do is make me feel like a zombie. with even less get up and go.
Sorry if this isnt very coherent, my brain pukes every now and again and stuff comes out, and i need to write it down.
I then quite by accident found myself on youtube watching a video about ADHD, and well, after sobbing with my mouth wide open, i watched lots more. It was like someone describing my life.
my relationships is in tatters because i am "not there" work is a nightmare as even though people say i am intelligent i cant progress as i just CANT like there is someone or something stopping me from moving forward, self doubt perhaps, and the inability to actually do courses/exams I just cant learn things, i cant retain anything, its crippling me.
A few symptoms that i have that made me think ADHD fits with me
inability to focus on ANYTHING, i cant watch tv, without picking up my phone, playing on my ipad etc, i watch the same stuff ive seen so i don't need to concentrate, i cant watch films as i get bored and walk off.
i have about 40 on going projects/tasks that never get done, unless i have an absolute deadline on fear of death, then perhaps, but nothing is ever done.
I can read books, but often i will find myself on page 20 with no idea how i got there, what was i reading? how did i get to this page ha ha, so i gave up.
I get irritable VERY easily, i snap, i get mad, im horrendous to live with, i cant even focus on my 3 year old daughter, christ i don't really remember being there for her birth. that hurts more than anything.
i am chronically bored with things unless i get into hyper focus then nothing gets in my way, people talk to me and i dont hear them, im in the zone. i am very disorganized, i do try with reminders etc, but never seem to follow through. I would get up for a drink, go to the kitchen either get distracted and forget or just say what am i doing in here, so go sit down. Then i would see the empty glass , say OH S*** and get up for the drink, this might continue for a while until i eithere gave up or went somewhere else.
This was the main reason i went to the drs again as i have feared for years i was losing my mind but too scared to do anything.
anyway, my normal nice Dr was amazed she hadn't thought of adhd and tbh cried as she said it sounds so like me , she did some research into it in her own time, and agreed whole heartedly that the books were written about me
she managed to get me seen in ONE MONTH with a specialist, which is unheard of where i am in the UK
now this is where the troubles begin.
sorry , if you are still reading this, ha ha, probably hard to follow!
the "specialist" was shocking. i had taken my bro along, she asked me question for an hour, made me fill in questionnaires, at the end she is like you are just depressed, you haven't tried any anti depressants (ive tried over 10) kinda go away.
my brother was horrified and angry he started saying you haven't even ASKED me any questions about him asked to see any evidence we have for him having it, his dr thinks he has, he has tried lots of meds with no benefits, as the Dr believes he needs a stimulant NOT an anti depressant. the sepcialist didnt even have my medical history! she said i didnt have ADHD as i was tired all the time and wasnt hyperactive... im like i was hyperactive as a child they put it down to food colouring as when i had foods with E numbers in i would get agressive, hyper and impossible to control. they didn't know much about adhd in the uk when i was a child (80s) im also tired as i am having to pretend to be normal all the bloody time, having to try hard to remember things, to learn new things at work etc.
She gave me some meds to try, these turned out to be anti psychotic and i was violently sick on these . my normal Dr was horrified, so i had to go back to the specialist. I said i believe i have this, she is like no you dont, but here are some meds to try... She gave me concerta XL 18mg to be increased to 36 then 54 over 2 weeks.
I went back to see my GP who was delighted i was on meds until i told her my experience of how rude and patronizing the specialist was. the first week of concerta was amazing i could do things i had only dreamed about, everything was great, for a few weeks (mostly) in the past 2 weeks i increased the dose to 72 and wow, it was like being hit by a train, more side effects, irritability returning etc but slowly i might be beginning to feel better again bt will see.
The funny and very confusing thing is, my dr said she was sent an 18 page document as to why she couldn't prescribe me concerta herself as its dangerous etc, but my dr is liek well why has she given you it then if you dont have adhd... thats nor right.. then i phone up my sepcialist to see if i can increase to the 72mg (as she told me to do in the prior meeting) as my normal dr cant prescribe it, she is ike i cant give you it over the phone Brett its dangerous... then she says well you have enough , so just increase it.
Everything she says is contradictory. sorry going off a tangent again, but my second meeting with the specialist, she made me fill questionnaires in , when i did, she shouted HURRAH you are cured... i was like erm i feel better on these drugs, isnt that the point? im not cure, i still have issues, but her attitude stank.
I went back to my normal dr a week later and she actually got a letter from the specialist saying HE IS CURED in big letters... my dr is like wow , we need to write a complaint against this woman, she is shocking. the final time i went back to the specialist, it was like she was beginning to think perhaps he does have ADHD... she was actually nice... asked if i wanted tot ry different meds when i stated 72 made me feel a bit rough, she said you need to inform the DVLA if you believe you have adhd, she wont admit she might have been wrong. she then says you do know its very hard for me as you wont bring your mother in (she is very ill) or show me school reports (they are in my parents holiday home in Spain that i dont have access to)
now i am happy i am on some form of meds, as i truly believe the more i read about it and the more i speak to my nice dr, that i have ADHD. I want a definitive diagnosis, i respect specialists etc and know its hard to diagnose and yes i dont have much info , but she was shockingly blunt, rude and nasty (i cant even type all the things she said etc)
wow sorry for the long rant and nonsensical nature of it all, just needed it off my chest, basically i think i have it , the meds have helped MASSIVELY, one more thing when i dont take them or when they wear off i find myself misplacing things, forgetting words, using wrong words for things, one thing that makes people laugh with me, is i used to say (before medds) i need to put my sandwich in the big cold box thing, as i couldnt remember the word for fridge) or need to put my pizza in the fire box, it was shocking. now i feel completely different, like i can remember alot more, i still have issues with focus, a lot less than before meds, i know meds aren't a cure all , but i feel more able to handle my symptoms. also im still annoyed i dont know whats up with me, got my family, and nice dr ha telling me ADHD all the way , got this specialist prescribing me drugs for it yet saying nope, altho starting to believe, even telling me she needs to see me in 6 months... so no idea what she really thinks!
my god i dread to think of the spelling mistakes and people falling asleep.
I have had depression/anxiety pretty much all my life, got really bad around 13 upwards, Chronic self esteem issues, massive struggles with concentration, learning, and basically listen to teachers. I have always known i day dream a lot. i tend to look at people and i have been told my eyes glaze over. I did this a lot at uni, i was renowned for being the one who decides to draw pictures of lecturers doing " un lecturer like things " rather than actually listen to the lecture. Third year of uni i decided sod this, and worked in the bar instead, struggled with leaving EVERYTHING until the night before it was due in, up all night crying, stressing and flapping until the paper was finished an hour before deadline.
School i took a year off with glandular fever, looking back on it, i think everything just got too much and i couldn't cope with not learning things properly or with people!
A few months ago i was pretty much suicidal, couldn't cope with under performing everywhere i went, couldn't cope with the constant NOISE in my head, every day it was like 1000 radio stations playing and all i wanted to do was listen to one song. I have been on about 10 different anti depressants and anxiety meds, all they seem to do is make me feel like a zombie. with even less get up and go.
Sorry if this isnt very coherent, my brain pukes every now and again and stuff comes out, and i need to write it down.
I then quite by accident found myself on youtube watching a video about ADHD, and well, after sobbing with my mouth wide open, i watched lots more. It was like someone describing my life.
my relationships is in tatters because i am "not there" work is a nightmare as even though people say i am intelligent i cant progress as i just CANT like there is someone or something stopping me from moving forward, self doubt perhaps, and the inability to actually do courses/exams I just cant learn things, i cant retain anything, its crippling me.
A few symptoms that i have that made me think ADHD fits with me
inability to focus on ANYTHING, i cant watch tv, without picking up my phone, playing on my ipad etc, i watch the same stuff ive seen so i don't need to concentrate, i cant watch films as i get bored and walk off.
i have about 40 on going projects/tasks that never get done, unless i have an absolute deadline on fear of death, then perhaps, but nothing is ever done.
I can read books, but often i will find myself on page 20 with no idea how i got there, what was i reading? how did i get to this page ha ha, so i gave up.
I get irritable VERY easily, i snap, i get mad, im horrendous to live with, i cant even focus on my 3 year old daughter, christ i don't really remember being there for her birth. that hurts more than anything.
i am chronically bored with things unless i get into hyper focus then nothing gets in my way, people talk to me and i dont hear them, im in the zone. i am very disorganized, i do try with reminders etc, but never seem to follow through. I would get up for a drink, go to the kitchen either get distracted and forget or just say what am i doing in here, so go sit down. Then i would see the empty glass , say OH S*** and get up for the drink, this might continue for a while until i eithere gave up or went somewhere else.
This was the main reason i went to the drs again as i have feared for years i was losing my mind but too scared to do anything.
anyway, my normal nice Dr was amazed she hadn't thought of adhd and tbh cried as she said it sounds so like me , she did some research into it in her own time, and agreed whole heartedly that the books were written about me
she managed to get me seen in ONE MONTH with a specialist, which is unheard of where i am in the UK
now this is where the troubles begin.
sorry , if you are still reading this, ha ha, probably hard to follow!
the "specialist" was shocking. i had taken my bro along, she asked me question for an hour, made me fill in questionnaires, at the end she is like you are just depressed, you haven't tried any anti depressants (ive tried over 10) kinda go away.
my brother was horrified and angry he started saying you haven't even ASKED me any questions about him asked to see any evidence we have for him having it, his dr thinks he has, he has tried lots of meds with no benefits, as the Dr believes he needs a stimulant NOT an anti depressant. the sepcialist didnt even have my medical history! she said i didnt have ADHD as i was tired all the time and wasnt hyperactive... im like i was hyperactive as a child they put it down to food colouring as when i had foods with E numbers in i would get agressive, hyper and impossible to control. they didn't know much about adhd in the uk when i was a child (80s) im also tired as i am having to pretend to be normal all the bloody time, having to try hard to remember things, to learn new things at work etc.
She gave me some meds to try, these turned out to be anti psychotic and i was violently sick on these . my normal Dr was horrified, so i had to go back to the specialist. I said i believe i have this, she is like no you dont, but here are some meds to try... She gave me concerta XL 18mg to be increased to 36 then 54 over 2 weeks.
I went back to see my GP who was delighted i was on meds until i told her my experience of how rude and patronizing the specialist was. the first week of concerta was amazing i could do things i had only dreamed about, everything was great, for a few weeks (mostly) in the past 2 weeks i increased the dose to 72 and wow, it was like being hit by a train, more side effects, irritability returning etc but slowly i might be beginning to feel better again bt will see.
The funny and very confusing thing is, my dr said she was sent an 18 page document as to why she couldn't prescribe me concerta herself as its dangerous etc, but my dr is liek well why has she given you it then if you dont have adhd... thats nor right.. then i phone up my sepcialist to see if i can increase to the 72mg (as she told me to do in the prior meeting) as my normal dr cant prescribe it, she is ike i cant give you it over the phone Brett its dangerous... then she says well you have enough , so just increase it.
Everything she says is contradictory. sorry going off a tangent again, but my second meeting with the specialist, she made me fill questionnaires in , when i did, she shouted HURRAH you are cured... i was like erm i feel better on these drugs, isnt that the point? im not cure, i still have issues, but her attitude stank.
I went back to my normal dr a week later and she actually got a letter from the specialist saying HE IS CURED in big letters... my dr is like wow , we need to write a complaint against this woman, she is shocking. the final time i went back to the specialist, it was like she was beginning to think perhaps he does have ADHD... she was actually nice... asked if i wanted tot ry different meds when i stated 72 made me feel a bit rough, she said you need to inform the DVLA if you believe you have adhd, she wont admit she might have been wrong. she then says you do know its very hard for me as you wont bring your mother in (she is very ill) or show me school reports (they are in my parents holiday home in Spain that i dont have access to)
now i am happy i am on some form of meds, as i truly believe the more i read about it and the more i speak to my nice dr, that i have ADHD. I want a definitive diagnosis, i respect specialists etc and know its hard to diagnose and yes i dont have much info , but she was shockingly blunt, rude and nasty (i cant even type all the things she said etc)
wow sorry for the long rant and nonsensical nature of it all, just needed it off my chest, basically i think i have it , the meds have helped MASSIVELY, one more thing when i dont take them or when they wear off i find myself misplacing things, forgetting words, using wrong words for things, one thing that makes people laugh with me, is i used to say (before medds) i need to put my sandwich in the big cold box thing, as i couldnt remember the word for fridge) or need to put my pizza in the fire box, it was shocking. now i feel completely different, like i can remember alot more, i still have issues with focus, a lot less than before meds, i know meds aren't a cure all , but i feel more able to handle my symptoms. also im still annoyed i dont know whats up with me, got my family, and nice dr ha telling me ADHD all the way , got this specialist prescribing me drugs for it yet saying nope, altho starting to believe, even telling me she needs to see me in 6 months... so no idea what she really thinks!
my god i dread to think of the spelling mistakes and people falling asleep.