liz
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 1
|
Post by liz on Jun 9, 2017 22:07:46 GMT
Hi, couple of months ago it suddenly hit me my husband of 12 years probably has adhd. I read a list of symptoms and realised it had just described my husband. For years I've lived with and tried to just accept all the aspects of his personality which drive me nuts, leave me feeling worn down, frustrated and resentful. But when I read that list of symptoms, suddenly everything fell into place. For years I've been trying to work out what it is, with nothing really explaining all the aspects of his behaviour and reactions. I've seen the doctor to ask for advice. My husband's accepted he probably does have adhd having read all the symptoms, but he now is burying his head in the sand and not doing anything about it. He doesn't want to talk to his doctor about it. If it is adhd, then at least we've got a path to follow to improve our home life. It's affecting communication between him and our daughter. I can read him and know what's going to make him blow up or react in a certain way, but a 7 year old can't. I'm fearful for our future. I cannot imagine what it's like to be married to someone who is calm and to know you're coming home to a calm home environment without wondering how long it will take before the first eggshell gets trodden on and sets him off. I'm not sure what steps to take next, but am glad to have found this forum. I've chatted to a couple of close friends about this, but no one else. I love my husband and don't want others to see him in a different light, but I really need to vent about this and just need some help for myself. He might not want to see a doctor to get help to find out if it is adhd or not, but I do, I'm worn down and unhappy.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2017 1:07:21 GMT
Sounds like you're really struggling
|
|
endeavour
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 16
|
Post by endeavour on Jun 27, 2017 6:23:36 GMT
I had the same Eureka moment as you back in 2011 after hearing a feature on Radio 4 All in the Mind. My husband refuses to even discuss the possibility. He says that I have diagnosed him with depression and anxiety in the past and he doesn't have those either and how many other "made up" conditions am I going to come up with. Doesn't sound very promising does it. But I have made significant progress in calming down the chaos in our day to day lives. This is because I have learned everything I possibly can about the condition. Specifically Gina Pera's book The ADHD Rollercoaster was a huge eye opener for me. I also found Melissa Orlov's books and forum on her website invaluable at times. I no longer mention ADHD to my husband. I do use words like impatience, overwhelmed, distracted, unfocussed etc to make an observation on aspects of his behaviour which he cannot really argue with (although of course he always tries . Yes I often feel resentful that I am the only one adjusting and adapting to our family situation (my son is just like his dad). But being pragmatic, it is better that 1 out of 3 of us is proactively dealing with the reality of the situation rather than nobody. Good luck.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2017 12:36:43 GMT
I really admire those who go above and beyond for others like this. Well done 'Forgive them for they know not what they do.'
|
|
|
Post by phoenixeschick on Jul 9, 2017 21:58:08 GMT
Recently I was diagnosed with ADHD and had the lightning bolt moment where I realized that my ex husband who I'm on good terms with had the same issue, and that it caused a lot of the problems we saw in our marriage. I impulsively (imagine that) emailed him a link and it started a conversation. Now, this was not an easy or a sane conversation at first but it taught me a few things you might find helpful.
First, have you ever tried framing getting treatment a little differently-- in terms of the exact benefits he'll personally see with his life if he sees someone?
Here's what I've noticed personally and I got diagnosed in March:
1. The actual ability to think clearly and express ideas coherently.
Priceless in all situations . I could do it before but I had to think hard about it. Now, it's easier to present people with communication they can follow. I can listen to them and actually hear their words. I didn't realize how hard it was to simply listen and track before. This has been an amazing experience.
2. Increased general happiness.
The sense of "what the heck is wrong with me" that I've felt pretty light forever finally has a name and a path.
Your husband might feel like he's simply hopeless and have a total sense of learned helplessness. He might be ashamed he's failing that he hears "I'm wrong, I'm bad, I'm not enough" from you when you observe his behaviors. Now, you're completely accurate in your assessments of them, it's just that hearing it from one's spouse makes one both despair and deny the problem.
3. I'm able to be efficient at work and think clearly.
Doing regular tasks isn't a struggle I have to put a lot of thought into anymore. I used to have to put a lot of mental energy into basic things like maintaining a routine or efficiently doing anything. Nowadays more things can run on autopilot without my life falling apart.
4. I make more money.
Since I am more efficient, this adds time to my day. Time equals money for me. Not getting stuck on an ADHD rabbit hole actually affects my bottom line.
5. Better, more connected sex.
Obvious benefits that people don't mention often but are real. I used to literally think of other things during an actual orgasm. Not my choice but the reality nonetheless.
Before this, I had no idea that I would get all of that from simply talking to someone about it. I was terrified to even go to the doctor and worried nothing would help me, as well as ashamed and worried that I was secretly "broken." Turns out, it's like wearing glasses after not being able to see. Your husband might feel the same way. To sell him on the idea, I'd start with money, sex and personal power-- because the effect is real.
I hope that helps a little.
|
|
|
Post by Guest1410 on Apr 10, 2018 9:05:28 GMT
I think I might be in a similar situation but I don’t if I’m just completely wrong or not! It started when I watched Richard Bacon’s interview on This Morning last week where he spoke about his ADHD diagnosis at the age of 42. When he was describing his symptoms it was like he was describing my husband. I’ve since gone on to research a little more about adult ADHD and most things I’ve read sound exactly like my husband! I haven’t spoken to him about it yet as I know it’s not going to go down well. I’ve considered speaking to his mum or his sister about my suspicions but I feel they’ll just laugh it off.
Maybe if I tell you a little about him you could let me know if you think I’m jumping the gun a bit or not?
He has mood swings where one minute he’s fine then something little makes him fly into a rage He doesn’t seem to listen (or if he does he doesn’t retain it?) - he’ll ask me where something is literally 3mins after I’ve told him He doesn’t remember anyone’s birthdays including mine and our kids, yet he can remember every single car number plate his dad has ever had He struggles with concentration at work He has very low self esteem and self confidence He is 35 and can’t yet drive He doesn’t deal well with stress - he kind of goes into a bit of a hole when he’s sad or stressed He gets distracted when he’s looking after the kids and won’t realise that it’s an hour last their bedtime and they’re still up Possibly unrelated but his mother smoked all through her pregnancy (I’ve read that this is a possible risk factor)
Can you please tell me your opinions? Living with him can be very difficult. I often feel like I’m his mum and his PA! He forgets everything all the time and I’m constantly having to check up on him and remind him of things. He’ll ask me 4 or 5 times between Mon and Fri what our plan for the weekend is and he needs walking through the “plan” repeatedly before any of it even starts to sink in. We have two young children and it’s so draining looking after him and them. I’m tired and have the weight of the world on my shoulders because I feel I am relied on for EVERYTHING.
Thanks for reading.
|
|