Post by trying2bsupportive on Jun 20, 2017 20:50:27 GMT
I love my other half a lot, but today he is being an utter dick. I'm tryibg to remain calm but after the trauma of last year, when an incident like this happens it makes me want to harm myself. He has ADD and when he has a mood swing, he is so vicious in the tone of his voice and even though he has never hit me, his voice gets so irate and his face mad and his body language violent that I feel terrified of him. I go to another room and then he tells me I am childish and I've had to learn not to retaliate. I know when he calms down I'll get a meaningful apology and we'll love each other very much again.
It is just hard to retain faith at these moments. Last year I didn't know how to deal with the situation and ended up harming myself because I didn't want to leave him but I also couldn't bear being with him and his spitefulness and how he can blow up over such small things. It's stuff others would shrug off or laugh about.
I am so terrified of him when he's like this. I feel like his words are killing me and that his aggressive body language doesn't need to physically hit me because it does worse - for a split second I'm back to where I was last year and think about stabbing myself to end the awful situation. Anything I do - reaction or no is 'wrong' and 'childish'. I try so hard to do absolutely everything I can to make him happy but I make an occasional honest mistake and he flies off the handle.
I know it's more reflective of him and not me. I just feel annoyed that he has not been sleeping well for ages but instead of moving his appointment with the specialist forward, he has allowed his suffering to continue and the result are very heightened mood swings and I, as the nearest alive person, receive all the anger he holds towards ADD, his work and stresses. I am the recipient of this. I know he loves me very much and every couple argues. I just feel hard done by that I receive more anger and aggression than my 'fault' is due.
I need to be caring that he has had a hard few weeks, but at times like this it's hard to stay positive. He keeps saying I'm a 'drama queen' and 'moping' all the time when all I'm doing is stepping away so that we don't say more hurtful things to each other that we'd regret. He forgets we agreed to do this should things get too much to handle. So I'm the drama queen...since when was walking away for space being a drama queen?
I know in the past I got angry and yelled. I can see he has changed and improved over time. Why can't he see that of me. I am no longer a drama queen and haven't been for a while now. I don't fling nasty words as I leave a room. Somehow him screaming in my face violently is laughable to him...he claims he doesn't do that. Somehow that claim is worse than his actual screaming at me because it makes him an absolute liar.
I love him very much. I wish he wasn't so angry with me. I feel like nothing I try is good enough. I need to remember that it is not enough sleep and the ADD talking. I need to remember that what I do does make a difference even if sometimes it seems pointless. I have gotten rid of pretty much almost every trait he found annoying of me for the sake of our relationship. But it's not enough. I think he mistakes me as his ADD sometimes - his anger towards it he doesn't recognise. But anger towards a person is more tangible...so why not just give them hell. It has to be someone's fault that this is happening to him, right? Why not hurl it at the nearest living thing.
Breaks my heart.
It is just hard to retain faith at these moments. Last year I didn't know how to deal with the situation and ended up harming myself because I didn't want to leave him but I also couldn't bear being with him and his spitefulness and how he can blow up over such small things. It's stuff others would shrug off or laugh about.
I am so terrified of him when he's like this. I feel like his words are killing me and that his aggressive body language doesn't need to physically hit me because it does worse - for a split second I'm back to where I was last year and think about stabbing myself to end the awful situation. Anything I do - reaction or no is 'wrong' and 'childish'. I try so hard to do absolutely everything I can to make him happy but I make an occasional honest mistake and he flies off the handle.
I know it's more reflective of him and not me. I just feel annoyed that he has not been sleeping well for ages but instead of moving his appointment with the specialist forward, he has allowed his suffering to continue and the result are very heightened mood swings and I, as the nearest alive person, receive all the anger he holds towards ADD, his work and stresses. I am the recipient of this. I know he loves me very much and every couple argues. I just feel hard done by that I receive more anger and aggression than my 'fault' is due.
I need to be caring that he has had a hard few weeks, but at times like this it's hard to stay positive. He keeps saying I'm a 'drama queen' and 'moping' all the time when all I'm doing is stepping away so that we don't say more hurtful things to each other that we'd regret. He forgets we agreed to do this should things get too much to handle. So I'm the drama queen...since when was walking away for space being a drama queen?
I know in the past I got angry and yelled. I can see he has changed and improved over time. Why can't he see that of me. I am no longer a drama queen and haven't been for a while now. I don't fling nasty words as I leave a room. Somehow him screaming in my face violently is laughable to him...he claims he doesn't do that. Somehow that claim is worse than his actual screaming at me because it makes him an absolute liar.
I love him very much. I wish he wasn't so angry with me. I feel like nothing I try is good enough. I need to remember that it is not enough sleep and the ADD talking. I need to remember that what I do does make a difference even if sometimes it seems pointless. I have gotten rid of pretty much almost every trait he found annoying of me for the sake of our relationship. But it's not enough. I think he mistakes me as his ADD sometimes - his anger towards it he doesn't recognise. But anger towards a person is more tangible...so why not just give them hell. It has to be someone's fault that this is happening to him, right? Why not hurl it at the nearest living thing.
Breaks my heart.