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Post by sambodidly on Jun 23, 2017 10:26:25 GMT
Hi everyone
Firstly, i'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, if it is, please point me in the right direction :-)
My 11yr DS (almost 12) has ADHD/Mild Aspergers and is becoming increasingly angry and volatile at everything (no actual physical contact yet) and i'm not sure how to handle him.
When he has 'red mist' he says the most hurtful things and shouts and its more often that he is in this 'mood' than not!
When he is 'calm' he says he cant control the way he is at when he's angry but is remorseful afterwards. He has also said he hears 'voices' in his head, his own voice but telling him things, almost like taking the micky out of him.
He's on 40mg Equasym XL per day but we try to give him a break from it at weekends.
Is this because of puberty (i'm hoping) and he will grow out of it or something I should be very concerned about?
Thanks
S
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Jun 27, 2017 1:20:12 GMT
Hi, i can relate to your son, because i was of another similar type myself a few years ago and still myself. I still get very angry over nothing and pull my siblings and parents triggers over something stupid. Getting into a repetitive pattern in my head about a certian subject which leads to over analysis and hence extremely annoyed. I express this much more verbally now as a 17 year old but as i was younger i would get very angry, throwing massive temper tantrums (Before we knew it was ADHD, we thought it was anger issues) and would simply do stupid things. One time we watched a different TV show than the one i wanted? what did i do? shout whilst sitting on the stairs for about 25m straight at the full height of my voice, i couldn't explain to anyone else why, but i know why. I also still agree with the feelings i had and experience these feelings the same, just express myself differently.
The way we got around it, well we didnt really but its a little better now, was not encouraging it. E.g my mum, dad and siblings step very lightly around me becuase i will indeed bring something stupidly meaningless and manipulate their words to contradict themselves and pull their strings leading to them going into a full meltdown, which are not my intentions.
A really good thing, and i mean it, is to teach him to count to 10 with full deep breaths whilst trying to focus on getting a clear mind. I know that personally, i get into repetitive thoughts and leads me to forgetting about the larger picture and how its perceived outside of myself.
Honestly, i cant give much help, but i can say that (for me!) being punished has helped me no way whatsoever.
A proven study also shows that long term consequences are not primary to focus on in ADHD brains, but intimidate are. E.g i love pancakes. love them, love having them for breakfast, but my mum says until i speak civilised to her (which i perceive i do) she wont buy any. This has helped no way whatsoever but resentment for my mum for not buying me pancakes. If it was, we will turn off the internet for a hour (fair punishment) if youre rude to your mum today then thats an issue in my mind. Its why i never completed homework, it was a long term consequence of a week, until it came to the day and became immediate, i didnt do it.
Also, i believe it would be good to sit down with your son and try and go through different ways he could express himself. I have never been comfortable with explaining my feelings to my parents, but if you do, you may perceive his perspective. Perspective is key, nobody actually ever realizes my perspective on just about anything, because i think differently to others. Once you do this, you can understand why hes angry and explain to him why everything okay. Remember, ADHD brains get overwhelmed quite easily, doesnt take much. Anger is usually (at least from me) having multiple, simultaneous and racing thoughts in a repetitive manner.
All in all, punishment is needed, but in moderation. Dont get angry back, try and understand his perspective, communicate with your child. Really really hope i could help, because not only do you not like it, i can assure you your son doesn't like it either. I used to get to the point id get so mad id hit myself and i would throw things, and because of these ill-regulated issues at home, in social situations i ended in alot of fights, i mean, i would just punch a guy i didnt even know sometimes just because he annoyed me a tiny bit.
I would say, its important to try and get these regulators in place whilst hes young so he doesn't end up like me, a 17 year old with moderate/severe emotional regulation issues, which can lead to poor social keeping skills (yes, i get annoyed at my friends super easily. i've held a grudge for 7 years, full silent treatment for 4 1/2 years against a ex-best friend because of these issues)
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ellieren
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Post by ellieren on Jun 29, 2017 10:25:26 GMT
X
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ellieren
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Post by ellieren on Jun 29, 2017 10:27:56 GMT
A few thoughts, probably most of which you've already thought of but here they are in case helpful!
1.) Gp: Meds - side effects?
2.) Too many things lead me into mild panic and extreme irritability.. I'm an adult and so I've found ways to cope.
Here's my personal list - in case useful:
- good sleep is key - avoid caffeine and sugar - feel cared for & validated - be 'useful', feeling effective, and of value in the community
It's taken me 35 year to come close to getting some semblance of control over my life, and one game-changer has been finding something I can do well which gives me self-esteem and gets me focused, building my skills and socialising.
More:
- make a 'Calm list' of things to do, or get him to fill a Box of things he can go to when overly emotional... things which give him a feeling of calm - e.g. A book/ photos/ sketch pad/ whatever he feels can help him focus and relax..
- a Meditation app or guided meditation/visualisation 'Headspace' was recommended to me, and may be helpful. OR you could go through a few of the free guided relaxations available on YouTube to find one that he may like.
My ADHD child (aged 6) struggles to get to sleep and listens to a children's 53 min guided relaxation on YouTube to aid sleep.
Adrenaline is not self-depleting, so we can't expect very easily to just calm down when so very highly emotional. A jog, walk, jumping on the spot.. all help the body to get rid of the surging adrenaline and lead to calm.
Create a code/Buzzword, which your son can tell you if he's feeling on the brink of loosing it. It's a lot to ask an 11 year old to explain calmly "you know what Mum, by reflecting on my day I can see that these triggers have caused me to feel stressed and irritable, therefore please can we speak about --such and such stressor- later or after a rest?"
- Time outdoors doing exercise Exercise!! Balances hormones - so effective. - Outdoors Fresh air, sunshine and calming environment Without time digging in the garden, walking in the woods, I am a fruit loop!!
good luck! 😊
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ellieren
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Hi 👋
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Post by ellieren on Jun 29, 2017 10:32:17 GMT
Oh and one more thing:
Being around calm people
Speaking in a soft low slow tone No sudden movements Plenty of gentle acknowledgement Just 'being there' open and receptive
So many adults are frantic with stress, teachers especially and the kids pick up on this. When we work on our own ability to tune in to a calm state then it rubs off in some way.. We model it and they learn these coping strategies.
A friend's child has had s really rough time, and she has been modelling to him the meditation app, each evening she dies it and he often likes to join her. They discuss how to keep a healthy mind, in a similar way to a healthy body.. It isn't forced, just came about resulting from her genuine desire to reduce stress in her own life.
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Post by sambodidly on Jun 30, 2017 12:36:09 GMT
vaatfk - Thank you for your reply and what an informative post!
What you have said rings true and I know that is how my son is feeling/acting how you did, most likely for the same reasons!
I try to be calm around him, but i'm ashamed to say sometimes I get very cross and think punishment is the way, which never really works! :-(
Today is a classic day, he's at school and thrown a pencil at someone as a 'joke'. Its drawn blood and when asked to apologise, my DS wont, starts getting louder and dismissing authority, acting up and shouting and has to be removed from the class! I'm so concerned about his future.
This week has been especially difficult at home. When DS is 'calm' he will chat a little but the 'angry' is outweighing the 'calm' and i'm scared he's going to hurt someone.
School are doing their best, they have Pastoral who talk to DS but they are not there 24/7 and I think he will suffer academic wise (he's clever, Grammar school but actions overriding everything).
Thanks for listening, it helps :-)
S
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Post by sambodidly on Jun 30, 2017 12:46:22 GMT
ellieren - Thank you for taking time to reply :-)
Again, great advice!
DS has an appointment with his Peadiatrician in July so i've made a list and will discuss things with her. Maybe a change in meds may help as he's getting older?
Buzzword. - We do have this and sometimes it works, other time he just laughs at me!
DS' social skills are very poor (I know this is typical) so this causes reactions and sets things in a downward spiral! He has no friends and outside of school does no activities anymore, either because of his behaviour or he just doesn't want to associate with others. OCD plays a part in this too!
I suppose i'm just frustrated and upset and not how I expected my DS' life to be. I want him to be happy and carefree :-(
S
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vaatfk
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Post by vaatfk on Jun 30, 2017 18:18:33 GMT
vaatfk - Thank you for your reply and what an informative post! What you have said rings true and I know that is how my son is feeling/acting how you did, most likely for the same reasons! I try to be calm around him, but i'm ashamed to say sometimes I get very cross and think punishment is the way, which never really works! :-( Today is a classic day, he's at school and thrown a pencil at someone as a 'joke'. Its drawn blood and when asked to apologise, my DS wont, starts getting louder and dismissing authority, acting up and shouting and has to be removed from the class! I'm so concerned about his future. This week has been especially difficult at home. When DS is 'calm' he will chat a little but the 'angry' is outweighing the 'calm' and i'm scared he's going to hurt someone. School are doing their best, they have Pastoral who talk to DS but they are not there 24/7 and I think he will suffer academic wise (he's clever, Grammar school but actions overriding everything). Thanks for listening, it helps :-) S sambodidly Yeah, it can lead to issues especially when hes alone. I've cracked 2 peoples heads open and punched a guy i didnt even know due to these anger, impulsive and emotional regulation issues. Im also in a similar boat to your child, i am/was a grammar school student and smartest amongst my siblings, however my grades on my GCSE mocks were all D's E's and in English Language..U..i sat there and didnt do the paper. Its a hard issue because i can relate to your child and cant think of much to do, i still struggle to this day and without thinking about it, i raise my voice, change my tonality and sounds sometimes as if im a 7 year old throwing a stupid temper tantrum. However, being calm is good, when hes older (if hes like me) he will realize when hes wrong (sometimes we are not and its justifiable or maybe thats just our difference in cognition..) and will want be apologetic, and if you open a dialogue to your child and talk about incidents that happened, in a calm and strictly helpful and make HIM realize why it was wrong (no constructive criticism) it may help. Due to my actions as a child i cut off open dialogue about how i feel with my parents and hence they never hear that im sorry. This is also due to their responses. Think about when you get angry, youre getting overwhelmed with all these issues all the time and want them to stop, right? Well...thats us every single time we raise our voice. We are overwhelmed with everything and all these racing thoughts in our head. Honestly, at the end of the day its to your digression to teach your child what is right but its difficult. Remember, ADHD is also a disorder of intent. I get up at 6:30 for my 7:50 bus and im still late just like i am when i wake up at 7:30, even though i had the intent of being early. Your child can have goals of being calm but it probably wont happen. I think its good not to try and 'fix' him just like you cant fix all ADHD symptoms, but instead to regulate it. Try multiple methods, punishment, immediate punishment, long term punishment, no punishment, talking about it, telling him why hes wrong, getting him to realise why hes wrong himself, set daily goals, set weekly goals. At the end of the day, we are all different. Not all things work for one person with ADHD and that leads to issues finding solutions. But remember, its not his purpose to try and do all these things, it just happens. The reason he threw that pencil was probably due to his bordem in class, school is not inclusive towards ADHD students at all, even if you have him in all these school programs. school is simply not inclusive, they simply 'try' to help but simply cannot 90% of the time. Does your child argue with teachers alot too? or you in that case? or any authority? He may have ODD (Oppositional defiant disorder) which could magnify his ADHD. It is very common for individuals with ADHD to suffer a second mental issue also. I wind up everyone because im bored and its annoying because i dont like it either and increases my anxiety when im trying to go to sleep, or when im in my own thoughts. I remember throwing this mallet and this guys head when i was 12 and i threw it because i thought he would catch it and it would be funny, i didnt even warn him. We do stupid stuff sometimes. Its going to be difficult raising him, but realize that he is grateful for what you do, even if what he says is the opposite. My mum doesn't realize i appreciate all she does for me and i cant say thanks, i just simply cant Really hope this helps, dont be too hard on the kid. He will learn eventually...just takes like another 7 years or so
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