elb1987
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Post by elb1987 on Aug 16, 2017 3:37:38 GMT
Nobody gets it, I hate it so much :-( It's 4.30am and I just can't ever sleep. My mum thinks I'm lazy, I swear it's getting worse. I managed to survive school, uni, and do well at work before I was diagnosed. Once I was diagnosed my work ignored all recommendations and treated me badly so I left and changed career. I trained as a teacher, achieved the highest grade possible whilst working full time as a teacher because I was 'so good'. I try to explain but nobody listens - it kills me. I can't not be the best, I can't let go, yet I can't concentrate and focus and it is so hard. I've left teaching and need to go back to the financial services world to earn ££ but I just don't think I can do it :-( I've had 3.5weeks off but not managed to update my CV! Or do a food shop. I realllly struggle out of routine, I just can't do it. I can't do life. I need to do the most simple of things, but seem to find 1000 other things to do first without even realising. I don't know what to do. I wish there were face to face support groups. I HATE playing the victim, I just hate ADHD!!! I take 72mg Concerta and do notice a difference when I don't take it as can barely hold a conversation but it doesn't help me enough. I don't want to take meds! I have to take out of date zopiclone to sleep - I''m like a little baby it's stupid. Since I've been aware of the symptoms, I swear they have got worse. Can ADHD wear off? Everyone sees me as something else and it's like they don't believe the struggle. I just want it to go :-(((( I know I HAVE to do things like set small targets, not make lists that are too long and overwhelming, bla bla bla. I have so many self-created coping strategies but I don't actually like them!! I have OCD and things out of order make me feel so uneasy. It's crazy that you can have ADHD and OCD as that goes against it. It's strange for me to read the posts on here of people wanting a diagnosis because I fought against my diagnosis! I don't want it, I hate it. I accept it now, but that doesn't make it better. It's like a need a full time carer to keep me on track. It's pathetic. And so is this post because I hate feeling sorry for myself!!!! I just don't know what to do :-( I have monthly appointments with the ADHD nurse but I'm not allowed to see the Consultant anymore cos I'm not new. She's a nice lady but I don't find it helpful. I can pick myself up, I'm very hard on myself and force myself to exceed my high expectations. But right now I just want to be NORMAL. Any advice is welcome. Please don't feel sorry for me. Maybe at some hour I will finally sleep...
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Post by roland on Aug 16, 2017 7:57:02 GMT
Hi elb1987, everything you've said here really resonated with me (i.e. empathy not pity) and since this is not the same as a face-to-face group here is a virtual hug (((()))) I hope you've managed to get some sleep In the past (pre and post diagnosis) I lashed myself for being self-pitying and playing the victim, fought against being ADHD, felt driven to overachieve, and tried to stifle my own feelings so that I could fit in and be accepted but all that happened was that I wore myself down. It was a good therapist (NHS) who helped me to understand that what I was actually feeling was a completely legitimate need for warmth, comfort and understanding. That understanding was followed (after some painful moments) by the realisation that the first person I had to convince I was worthwhile was myself. Am I remembering correctly that you had Cognitive Analytical Therapy before you were diagnosed with ADHD? I'm wondering if it would be helpful to go back to that consultant (or another one) post diagnosis?
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elb1987
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Post by elb1987 on Aug 16, 2017 12:13:11 GMT
Hi Roland
Thank you for your message, and the virtual hug 😁 I managed to get to sleep at 7.15am 😱
Yes, I had CAT for 36weeks! I think it'd be a good idea for me to get my old folder out and have a look at my letters and spider diagram. It's like I know what I do and what it is so I manage to stop myself sinking too low if that makes sense? But people just don't understand when I try to explain😔
My CAT therapist was great, but he started as my Consultant Psychiatrist, so unfortunately I think he charges something like £200/30mins and he doesn't tend to give therapy but we clicked and so he did for me. I just can't afford this right now🙈
I didn't think I was still battling ADHD but perhaps I am😐 Initially I tried to argue that it wasn't me, but then when I went to the Adult ADHD group it was clear that it was me. As a teacher, I had 7 SEN children in my class and most with ADHD - I was complimented on my teaching of them because they progressed so well with the tailor-made strategies I created for each one. So why can't I do this for myself 😩😩
People now think I'm lazy and are questioning why I have so much ironing when I'm off atm, why haven't I made it to the shops or cleaned my bathrooms. Thing is I'm so nit lazy, I can barely watch a whole TV programme sitting down!
Sorry, I'm just going on and on, I'm just not sure what to do next😐
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2017 14:31:05 GMT
I could have written that post! Like you, perhaps, I'm tired of the rat race, in every form it takes. I can be a super high performer or super lazy. I can't seem to do the 30% effort thing everyone else is doing. 100% or 0%. Pick one! "That's OK, just pick the 100% one!" Any idea what it's like being the guy who appears to be showing everyone else up? The guy who just won't drop it? Any idea what it's like being perceived as lazy because you can find zero novelty in the pointless, wasteful, task at hand? I've been saying for at least two years, to myself and anyone who will listen that I need some sort of assistant. I could be so much more effective if I could offload the stuff I don't excel at to someone who does. I recently discovered something called PIP which is some sort of disability benefit, I think. Although part of me recoils at the prospect of visiting the Jobcentre (I've been out of work for 5 months, business is in ruins, I'm skint, borrowing money and I STILL have not signed on...) it's possible that this thing may allow me/us to pay for some sort of assistant? I think there's a very good chance I would not be in this position if I'd known about it 5 months ago. Can such a thing save me from myself in future? Someone to bounce my thoughts off and help me organise myself could, literally, pay dividends? I haven't done anything about it, of course
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elb1987
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Post by elb1987 on Aug 16, 2017 18:20:58 GMT
Hi boost
Your post made me laugh, because that is me. Although not sure whether that's funny or just sad for both of us 😐
It would probably be a good idea to go to the job centre, what line of work are you in if you don't mind me asking?
A life PA would be amazing and has now got me thinking that maybe I could set up this as a business😂🙈which I will probably take too far...
Funny that I never realised I am 100% or 0%! Well not in writing. I'm the same, people are intimidated by me at work because I do well, but it's not meant in a mean way at all. I just can't stop myself. Wish I could!
I wonder how you get to 50%? Genuinely wondering? I need a work/life balance so must do a job that I can walk away from at the end of the day.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2017 21:35:49 GMT
Pretty much everything I do falls under IT Support or Problem Management. Network Operations to be specific! Got a job for me? I used to work in the same office as my wife and she suggested that some people are intimidated by me! Intimidated by hard work and customer advocacy? Nevertheless, I've been looking at ways to try and shift my perspective / tone myself down. Always learning What's your job?
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elb1987
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Post by elb1987 on Aug 16, 2017 22:18:57 GMT
I find it strange that people are intimidated, because I'm always willing to offer advice and help others😐
I used to work in Financial Services, then changed career to become a Primary School Teacher, and now I'm changing again🙈😁Teaching is badly paid and I need more stimulation of my brain, like problem solving.
I'll be unemployed in 2 weeks so need to do something ASAP, hopefully tomorrow will be the day I update my CV! And actually look for some jobs. I think I'm going to look for Project Management jobs as loved doing that and I know I need a job that's different every day. I just need to learn that balance😐
Could you do contract work? Are you near to London?
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Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 17, 2017 8:35:21 GMT
Hi @boost and elb1987I've been meaning to reply to a few points . . . First . .PIP (Personal Independence Payment) . .this is a disability benefit that can be claimed whether in or out of work to help with extra costs involved with your disability. I do know people who have got it for ADHD, but I scored no points, despite also having a physical disability. . .there are *loads* of posts on this forum about it and it's ridiculous points-based assessment system carried out by private 'healthcare professionals' whose job seems to avoid awarding anything to anyone and are likely not to know anything about ADHD. If you're in work, you can apply for an Access to Work grant from the DWP. This is quite easy to get . .there's a workplace assessment, which is pretty much the same as Occupational Health where they assess your workplace needs and recommend equipment ie noise-cancelling phone headset, and I asked for and got ADHD coaching, which I haven't started yet. If you apply within 6 weeks of starting a new job, they will fund 100% after that your employer must contribute a percentage. . and they MUST because it's the DWP . .it does mean that you must disclose your ADHD to your employer and it seems that you, or your employer must pay the provider up front and claim the money back. I've also had and lost a lot of jobs and have been underemployed most of my adult life. CAT! I had that in the late 90's, way before I was aware of ADHD and it was the most useful therapy I have ever done (and I've done a lot) it was NHS at St Thomas' in London. . .looking back at my notes, it was pretty obvious that a lot of my problems were ADHD. . .
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2017 15:36:14 GMT
I am a contractor London is doable. It's only 200 miles down the M4 Part of me feels there are people who deserve PIP more than me so I shouldn't apply. The other part of me fears I will, inevitably, become a burden on the state unless I get a PA of some sort. Some days I'm Superman. Some days I can't find a spoon for my cornflakes.
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elb1987
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Post by elb1987 on Aug 18, 2017 22:27:10 GMT
Thank you vagueandrandom, that's useful information :-)
Unfortunately, when I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago my employer treated me disgustingly. Specifically my manager. So much so that I resigned and they paid off my notice period. I know I could have taken it further but didn't want the stress. For that reason, I'm not sure I'll disclose it to my next employer. That one was actually one of the first organisations to sign the time to change bill, they champion mental health etc. But, I was treated very badly and they went against both my consultant and occ health docs advice.
My mum came to stay yest and sat next to me whilst I updated my CV - the struggle is real🙈 So almost ready to apply for jobs now which makes me feel better.
Boost, how are you doing?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2017 22:58:52 GMT
Keeping on, keeping on
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elb1987
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Post by elb1987 on Aug 21, 2017 0:17:32 GMT
Which translates to what exactly?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 12:33:59 GMT
I came across this last night: "Per ardua ad astra!"Apparently, this means: Through adversity to the stars!Ever the optimist?
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