Post by jameswhatthefudge on Jan 1, 2019 22:51:01 GMT
Hey all,
I've had a real low today and im hoping I can share a bit about me and hear your thoughts.
I have social issues with anxiety and depression (unmedicated and I have admittedly neglected this element of my health) but also innatentive type ADHD.
I don't get a buzz off of social events, i avoid them, and if there is alcohol then you can guarantee ill be seeking comfort in the form of binge drinking until its over.
I find detailed conversations with people a real effort unless its something exciting or topical and i honestly just switch off and look rude.
I get frustrated when it comes to planned events and even more so if im expected to play a part in the planning. I just cannot cope with it.
I don't cook as I'll burn it or serve up something raw unless I'm on my meds and it's just me. I cant have distractions of any sort.
I work on a desk, away from a window and wear headphones the size of Canada to block out all collegue's general chit-chat so i can try and remain 'in the zone'.
These things work to an extent where life is passable and i can go to work, do my job and go home where i'll likely watch films (even though im just staring blankly) and lay up thinking until late (usually 1 to 2am before my mind switches off).
Owing to a relationship with someone with BPD i went off the rails in August 2017 and after a 3 week binge I was raped. I told my parents the morning it happened as i was spiked and in hospital so wasnt really thinking clearly and didn't see it as rape at the time. I have not spoken to them about it since. I've had 2 occasions where ive ground to a halt around friends due what happened but i switfly close up and push it to the back of my mind.
Im currently living with family and i dont cook, my room is a mess and i dont have toi many friends. 2 very close females and thats it.
I'm also studying my Mortgage Advice qualifications but as you'll probably know too well studying isn't the most easy task for those with attention deficits. I simply pick it up for half a day, put it down for a month or maybe longer whilst mentally reminding myself every day that im slowly shuffling along the mortal coil and i need to get my act together.
I recently entered a more stable relationship. He was lovely but he couldn't tolerate my ADHD traits and social awkwardness. He was very outgoing and confident and set in his ways. I guess he enjoyed the attention but I become very dependent on loved ones as a way to hide behind my short-falls.
We split NYE and I didn't see it coming. Having reflected I can see why but I've taken a massive kick to my confidence and this is where the worrying is coming into play. It has exposed everything i often choose to ignore:
How am I going to do it alone?
How can I manage a flat when i move out of my familys?
How will i organise myself?
Will anyone ever accept me and work with me on my ADHD/Anxiety traits or are they just too much for other people?
How can I get my studies done?
So all of these questions overwhelmed today and alongside the NYE dumping I just sat on my bed today crying into my hands for about an hour before realising this is too much and I can't go on with the way I am feeling. I don't believe I would ever harm myself or anyone else but the very fact that my thoughts were running towards such things scared me.
I really long to be independent and to have my own place where i can just have some comfort, routine and some pride in my achievements but my mind rightis telling me that it isn't possible for someone like me. I know its not true but I am stuck!
I want someone to talk to who has managed to overcome some of what I am struggling with. I have self-referred to 'steps4wellbeing' today and remain cautiously optimistic that I'll be able to make some break-throughs and hopefully live a more wholesome life with whatever it is these guys can help me with.
Is anyone else in this place?
I've had a real low today and im hoping I can share a bit about me and hear your thoughts.
I have social issues with anxiety and depression (unmedicated and I have admittedly neglected this element of my health) but also innatentive type ADHD.
I don't get a buzz off of social events, i avoid them, and if there is alcohol then you can guarantee ill be seeking comfort in the form of binge drinking until its over.
I find detailed conversations with people a real effort unless its something exciting or topical and i honestly just switch off and look rude.
I get frustrated when it comes to planned events and even more so if im expected to play a part in the planning. I just cannot cope with it.
I don't cook as I'll burn it or serve up something raw unless I'm on my meds and it's just me. I cant have distractions of any sort.
I work on a desk, away from a window and wear headphones the size of Canada to block out all collegue's general chit-chat so i can try and remain 'in the zone'.
These things work to an extent where life is passable and i can go to work, do my job and go home where i'll likely watch films (even though im just staring blankly) and lay up thinking until late (usually 1 to 2am before my mind switches off).
Owing to a relationship with someone with BPD i went off the rails in August 2017 and after a 3 week binge I was raped. I told my parents the morning it happened as i was spiked and in hospital so wasnt really thinking clearly and didn't see it as rape at the time. I have not spoken to them about it since. I've had 2 occasions where ive ground to a halt around friends due what happened but i switfly close up and push it to the back of my mind.
Im currently living with family and i dont cook, my room is a mess and i dont have toi many friends. 2 very close females and thats it.
I'm also studying my Mortgage Advice qualifications but as you'll probably know too well studying isn't the most easy task for those with attention deficits. I simply pick it up for half a day, put it down for a month or maybe longer whilst mentally reminding myself every day that im slowly shuffling along the mortal coil and i need to get my act together.
I recently entered a more stable relationship. He was lovely but he couldn't tolerate my ADHD traits and social awkwardness. He was very outgoing and confident and set in his ways. I guess he enjoyed the attention but I become very dependent on loved ones as a way to hide behind my short-falls.
We split NYE and I didn't see it coming. Having reflected I can see why but I've taken a massive kick to my confidence and this is where the worrying is coming into play. It has exposed everything i often choose to ignore:
How am I going to do it alone?
How can I manage a flat when i move out of my familys?
How will i organise myself?
Will anyone ever accept me and work with me on my ADHD/Anxiety traits or are they just too much for other people?
How can I get my studies done?
So all of these questions overwhelmed today and alongside the NYE dumping I just sat on my bed today crying into my hands for about an hour before realising this is too much and I can't go on with the way I am feeling. I don't believe I would ever harm myself or anyone else but the very fact that my thoughts were running towards such things scared me.
I really long to be independent and to have my own place where i can just have some comfort, routine and some pride in my achievements but my mind rightis telling me that it isn't possible for someone like me. I know its not true but I am stuck!
I want someone to talk to who has managed to overcome some of what I am struggling with. I have self-referred to 'steps4wellbeing' today and remain cautiously optimistic that I'll be able to make some break-throughs and hopefully live a more wholesome life with whatever it is these guys can help me with.
Is anyone else in this place?