Post by sarahsaz on May 7, 2019 11:59:25 GMT
TLDR; Diagnosed with GAD after years of suffering but could it be ADHD?
I was randomly browsing through imgur and came across an ADHD meme, from there I went to reddit ADHD and read as many posts as I could. I honestly feel like a lightbulb has gone on identifying with so many things.
I'm 35 F and have never been diagnosed with ADHD as a child but I've always had issues I just put down to me being lazy and a bit weird. I was quiet and withdrawn but my obsession with aviation and model planes kept me busy. I loved computers and drawing and managed to find a job straight from school even after doing very poorly on my GCSES despite being intelligent, learning web design at a local company.
I stayed there for a while, It was a job I adored and would often lose track of time there.
Everything seemed to happen after I moved out of my parents and childhood home and in with my first real relationship and I was pushed to change jobs to earn more money. I took a job at an IT call centre for better pay but I hated the job. I couldn't concentrate, organize myself to do my tasks at work. I didn't want to be there and it felt unbearable doing the work I didn't find interesting but I tried so hard to suck it up and go on so I did for a year.
I started having extreme anxiety, panic attacks and palpitations and was diagnosed as having anxiety by my GP. They put me on medication and it helped here and there but it just got worse and worse to the point I got fired for so much sick time. My relationship ended badly and I moved back home with my parents, soon after I started self medicating with alcohol, I'd always felt better when I was drunk. I could socialize normally and not feel anxious but this soon turned into a serious alcohol addiction and anxiety now had depression with it.
This was around 2008 and after a many unsuccessful attempts to stop drinking and get myself back on track I went to an in house free Christian rehab and I was there for 8 months.
I hated it but the structure there did wonders for me, Being woken up at a certain time, set meal times and being basically told what to do turned my life around.
I left there because I felt better but mainly because I'm not Christian and couldn't follow with the daily worshiping and give myself to christ.
Anyway after this I moved back home with my parents and although I struggled I printed out 4 goals I wanted to do, stuck it on my bedroom wall and totally threw myself into them 24 hours a day.
1: I went Gym every day to get fit and lose the weight I had gained from the depression.
2: To fix my poor credit score and pay my debts.
3: Get a job (any job!)
It took me around 2 years but I did it, I was like a machine,lost all my weight I looked great was in the best shape of my life and got a JOB. Turns out this job was terrible, A small local firm with a massive high turnover of staff due to the owner who shouts and makes his employees cry. It was in a new field, I hadn't worked in IT for years so I had to start from the bottom again with an admin job.
But I stuck with it, the long hours, the unpaid time spent oncall at evenings and weekends. It was a job that I needed just like everyone else to earn money but it was so unbearable again I keep thinking how do my colleagues cope with this. Do they find this as unbearable as I do?
I splurged on a brand new car I couldn't really afford to make myself feel like working at this place was worth something to me. To motivate me but my anxiety and depression just got worse and worse again, I couldn't control it I felt like I was losing my mind. After 2 years there and many many sick days I handed my notice in with no other job quite recklessly but managed to get another admin job not that farther away. The same cycle continued and the anxiety became overwhelming and the sick days more and more. In the end I ran out of excuses not to go in work.
One day after hearing the news of a death of a friend I had been wanting to go see but kept putting off I had a massive breakdown. I drank and drove my car that night ending in the loss of my licence and my new car that I'd owned for less than 12 months.
It's been 5 years since then and I'm currently on benefits unable to work until I can control what's going on with myself. I'm still suffering with depression and anxiety. My GP says its GAD. I've heard of ADHD before but I thought it only affected children
I've tried antidepressants which just made me feel emotionless and I didn't like it. Xanax was great because I was sleeping most of the time. I ended up on diazepam and that was worse.
At the moment what seems to help is weed. It calms my thoughts and gets rid of the anxiety but all this time I've always felt like I'm just trimming something daily that's growing inside of me. Keeping on top of it. I'm only on pregabalin for my anxiety, I came off everything else and I feel better for it. But I self medicate daily with weed.
I'd like to be able to replace that with legitimate medication so I can begin my life again and reapply for my driving licence and get my independence back. I'm at a point with my GP that its accepted that its GAD and it's just uncontrollable so I don't really go anymore and just stay on repeat medication and self medicate at home sedated and resigned to the fact it's just going to be like this forever well until I read about ADHD.
My life currently is good, I'm living with my sister, medicating with weed and just enjoying the good days and getting through the bad ones but I struggle with things like:
Trying to play a co-op game I love with my sister on the xbox. It's like I really want to do it and I don't want to do it at the same time and its frustrating and paralyzing at times. It's easier to do nothing and procrastinate on my phone than to commit to something I like to do for a few hours. The same goes with watching films and most activities, it's like making a decision is overwhelming.
I've been constantly rereading paragraphs my entire life thinking it was normal trying to stitch the words together.
I also have a few weird OCD things I've always had like I don't like getting my hands wet because when they dry the sensation of touching things especially paper goes through me. Moisturising helps but it doesn't go away. My brain seems to have a one problem at a time mode and I can't cope with more.
Brushing my teeth is an issue for me. Sometimes I forget sometimes I really don't want to do it. I'm forgetful and very easily distracted, If im watching TV and someone is talking to me I've no idea sometimes and don't hear what they say. I often think I'm just ignorant. I've never been able to remember names it takes me a long time. I seem to spend most of my time doing nothing procrastinating my next tasks and leave everything till the last minute because the thought of doing the tasks is overwhelming.
My memory is bad too, I don't remember what happened on my birthdays or just random events.
Could this be ADHD or am I just a nut case. I'm making an appointment to see my GP next week and have a chat with them.