Post by Cygnet on Jan 16, 2020 11:41:49 GMT
Good morning all
I've found this forum as I feel I've failed my son as a child (he is now 23) and I would like to support him in getting help. I feel lost and don't know what to do.
A long story and I'll try and shorten it as much as I can.
As a child, my son was very hyperactive, never sat still, I couldn't give him drinks with caffeine in, he would be bouncing off the walls. In waking hours he would be hyper, running around, not concentrating or following instructions. I found it difficult to find a child minder who would cope with him. He slept well and I ensured he had a good diet.
Fast forward to school years; in his infants he was hyper but was deemed to be of an intelligence above his years, his reading age was far superior and he learned quickly. However at the same time, he was disruptive in class and the teacher was always making this known to me.
This continued into his junior school years.
In between all of this, I divorced his father, who was an alcoholic, and my son never really had a meaningful relationship with him, as he moved abroad (more about this later).
I remarried later and my new husband took my son on as his own to begin with, but as he grew older and increasingly more challenging, that relationship was full of conflict and I felt I was the peacekeeper in the middle. That relationship broke down to the point it never recovered. My husband became addicted to prescription pain killers and spent time in rehab, it didn't improve his behaviour towards my son.
In senior school, my son just failed miserably, his teachers were frustrated at his disruptive behaviour, forever calling me to discuss. He wouldn't sit and focus on anything, would never complete homework, and subsequently left school with hardly anything to show for his educational years. He spent the next 5 years, holed up in his room on his XBox, I tried and failed to motivate him to do anything, it was a battle of wills. He did get some employment but nothing of any permanence.
The situation with my 2nd husband became untenable, we were arguing and he would take it out on my son with me trying to intervene. My son would call me, saying he wanted to die, he was going to take his own life. I was distraught and tried to get him some help. I paid for private counselling but he often wouldn't go and so it failed.
I finally spilt from my husband and it was just the two of us, a lot calmer but we still had bouts of conflict about his lack of motivation to do anything. He would sink into bouts of depression, and other times never sat still, he always paces about and fidgets, even now, and he can't look at you when speaking, its like his mind is always elsewhere.
A turning point was passing his driving test and in the same week, landing his dream job in estate agency. He has been there almost 3 years now and has done extremely well as a salesman, he is focused on getting as much commission as he can. However he has days where he feels he can't go to work as he has a 'black cloud', he feels he doesn't fit in anywhere, he fidgets, swings from one thing to another and now he has lost all motivation for the thing he loves the most.
He has had some very significant changes in his life; his father sadly passed away almost 4 years ago and he has never really acknowledged that or dealt with it that I'm aware of. He hadn't seen his father since he was 8 years old and that was a fleeting meet at his granddads funeral.
My son recently moved in permanently with his new girlfriend in the middle of last year; quite soon I thought, but he appeared happy and he loves her and her young daughter. Its in a different area, but close for his work and we speak most days.
I have subsequently sold the family home as my life has changed and moved on; I'm in the process of buying a new home with my fiance of 5 years.
I know this has caused my son some anxiety as he will no longer have that as a base to see his friends (his words), however we have spoken about how he can still see his friends and they can always visit him in his new home. I'm not moving that far away, in fact I will be closer in distance to where he lives now.
This week, my son has had a complete meltdown, has become extremely depressed, hasn't been into work, and made an appointment to see a GP on Tuesday (this never happens), he cancelled this appointment on the day (he had asked me to go with him) and I was cross as I feel he needs help. Yesterday the GP surgery phoned and offered him another appointment and he has taken it; its this afternoon and I'm going to support him.
He finds it very difficult to open up and speak and cannot describe how he feels. He says his head is a mess but can't articulate why, he fidgets still, paces around and his concentration is zero.
Yesterday evening I was watching The One Show and on there was a rapper by the name of Loyle Carner who had ADHD, he described his symptoms as a child and everything he said resonated with me; he was describing my son. This young man has taken up cooking to channel his mind and keep him focussed and funny enough my son also enjoys cooking.
I feel I've failed because I wish now I had taken my son as a youngster to get assessed for ADHD, I feel like he's been suffering all these years without knowing what's going on for him.
We are going to see the GP this afternoon; I would like to think the GP will refer him for psychiatric assessment for a proper diagnosis. I wondered if anyone would give me some advice on how I press for this, given that our NHS mental health services are so stretched. And also reassure me that there is help out there for him?
Thank you for reading.
Ann
I've found this forum as I feel I've failed my son as a child (he is now 23) and I would like to support him in getting help. I feel lost and don't know what to do.
A long story and I'll try and shorten it as much as I can.
As a child, my son was very hyperactive, never sat still, I couldn't give him drinks with caffeine in, he would be bouncing off the walls. In waking hours he would be hyper, running around, not concentrating or following instructions. I found it difficult to find a child minder who would cope with him. He slept well and I ensured he had a good diet.
Fast forward to school years; in his infants he was hyper but was deemed to be of an intelligence above his years, his reading age was far superior and he learned quickly. However at the same time, he was disruptive in class and the teacher was always making this known to me.
This continued into his junior school years.
In between all of this, I divorced his father, who was an alcoholic, and my son never really had a meaningful relationship with him, as he moved abroad (more about this later).
I remarried later and my new husband took my son on as his own to begin with, but as he grew older and increasingly more challenging, that relationship was full of conflict and I felt I was the peacekeeper in the middle. That relationship broke down to the point it never recovered. My husband became addicted to prescription pain killers and spent time in rehab, it didn't improve his behaviour towards my son.
In senior school, my son just failed miserably, his teachers were frustrated at his disruptive behaviour, forever calling me to discuss. He wouldn't sit and focus on anything, would never complete homework, and subsequently left school with hardly anything to show for his educational years. He spent the next 5 years, holed up in his room on his XBox, I tried and failed to motivate him to do anything, it was a battle of wills. He did get some employment but nothing of any permanence.
The situation with my 2nd husband became untenable, we were arguing and he would take it out on my son with me trying to intervene. My son would call me, saying he wanted to die, he was going to take his own life. I was distraught and tried to get him some help. I paid for private counselling but he often wouldn't go and so it failed.
I finally spilt from my husband and it was just the two of us, a lot calmer but we still had bouts of conflict about his lack of motivation to do anything. He would sink into bouts of depression, and other times never sat still, he always paces about and fidgets, even now, and he can't look at you when speaking, its like his mind is always elsewhere.
A turning point was passing his driving test and in the same week, landing his dream job in estate agency. He has been there almost 3 years now and has done extremely well as a salesman, he is focused on getting as much commission as he can. However he has days where he feels he can't go to work as he has a 'black cloud', he feels he doesn't fit in anywhere, he fidgets, swings from one thing to another and now he has lost all motivation for the thing he loves the most.
He has had some very significant changes in his life; his father sadly passed away almost 4 years ago and he has never really acknowledged that or dealt with it that I'm aware of. He hadn't seen his father since he was 8 years old and that was a fleeting meet at his granddads funeral.
My son recently moved in permanently with his new girlfriend in the middle of last year; quite soon I thought, but he appeared happy and he loves her and her young daughter. Its in a different area, but close for his work and we speak most days.
I have subsequently sold the family home as my life has changed and moved on; I'm in the process of buying a new home with my fiance of 5 years.
I know this has caused my son some anxiety as he will no longer have that as a base to see his friends (his words), however we have spoken about how he can still see his friends and they can always visit him in his new home. I'm not moving that far away, in fact I will be closer in distance to where he lives now.
This week, my son has had a complete meltdown, has become extremely depressed, hasn't been into work, and made an appointment to see a GP on Tuesday (this never happens), he cancelled this appointment on the day (he had asked me to go with him) and I was cross as I feel he needs help. Yesterday the GP surgery phoned and offered him another appointment and he has taken it; its this afternoon and I'm going to support him.
He finds it very difficult to open up and speak and cannot describe how he feels. He says his head is a mess but can't articulate why, he fidgets still, paces around and his concentration is zero.
Yesterday evening I was watching The One Show and on there was a rapper by the name of Loyle Carner who had ADHD, he described his symptoms as a child and everything he said resonated with me; he was describing my son. This young man has taken up cooking to channel his mind and keep him focussed and funny enough my son also enjoys cooking.
I feel I've failed because I wish now I had taken my son as a youngster to get assessed for ADHD, I feel like he's been suffering all these years without knowing what's going on for him.
We are going to see the GP this afternoon; I would like to think the GP will refer him for psychiatric assessment for a proper diagnosis. I wondered if anyone would give me some advice on how I press for this, given that our NHS mental health services are so stretched. And also reassure me that there is help out there for him?
Thank you for reading.
Ann