erindee
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 1
|
Post by erindee on Aug 16, 2021 21:10:50 GMT
I am Italian, and I am so happy I have found this forum. My husband and I started a relationship about 10 years ago. He was the man I had always wanted: charming, fashinating, romantic but "strong" at the same time. 6 months after we met we started living together, less than 1 year later we were married. He wanted this marriage. He loved me like I could never think a peros could love. He had some "hypersexual" problems, meaning I like sex, but it was too much! He also made a lot of "self services" each day. I knew he wasn't perfect, nobody is, and our forstbyears together were good, thought he showed he is not capable of managing money. He wasn't realistic about our financial horrible situation. I worked pt, he found a job when I started to cry. He's a good worker. His hobby started to become a second job, every now and then he came up with something new! New projects, new ideas. Great! But he never concluded anything. At the beginning I supported him in his new ideas, then Ibstarted to feel frustrated, as I didn't see any results, or better, as he didn't finish anything he started. I had an abortion, I don't know how you call it in English, when everything ends on "its own" at the very begining. We both suffered a lot and he started to really want to try again. That time I was having some helth problems and a pregnancy had to wait for best exams. He was so sad he had to wait. Meanwhile he lost his job (temporary job) and started one of his new project/idea. At the same time still wanted a baby. In that moment I realized I couldn't rely on him. How could he think of having a baby?? With no job? Just my part time? No savings? I had a bad depression. He found a new job, but when I woke up from that bad moment, I decided I had to take the wheel. I started a new job on my own, and it is luckly going well. This job is asking a lot of time, so I started asking him to help with the house. He started new projects to "stay out" a lot and not having to tidy or listening to me wining about the mess and becoming like a mom that always has to call out her teenage son. Sex disappeard. He started being depressed and feeling anxiety. I was feeling bad, ignorated, a cleaning service, not a wife. I told him a 1000 times to go to a specialist and finally, he went. He got diagnosed with ADHD. In Italy ADHD is "not a thing" yet. Yes, they're working a lot on children with this, but we don't have a lot of experts, structures for adult "never diagnosed before" ADHD. I can confirm the diagnosis is right. He has all those problems/state of minds/characteristics. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel!! Most of our problems are caused by his condition and the condition can be solved at least in part! But even before started getting his medications, he told me he'd better stay alone and left me (about 1 week ago). He's renting another house. He is very kind with me. He cries. I cry. Do I have to let him go? Is it the right thing for him? Or should I wait and see how his medications go? I was ready to foght this thing with him and the fact he broke up when we had the chance to restore things drives me crazy. If you have red till the end, I would really appreciate your opinion, suggestions, experiences. From partenr like me and from perople who have ADHD and can maybe understand him better than me. Thank you all.
|
|
|
Post by Andy on Sept 7, 2021 17:44:29 GMT
Hi Erindee,
I have ADHD, diagnosed as an adult. Obviously, we are not clones so things in my situation might not apply to yours. My wife saw similars problems, but when talking to friends of supposedly normal people, a lot of the issues were standard accross the board. I would say be careful at just blaming everything on ADHD. Move from the shaming to the assigning blame to things and be responsible for your own things as well. I know first hand that when my wife had her own issues she used to assign them to me only for their family or friends to shoot back at her and have overblown arguments of their own to conclude "Oh, now I understand him".
If you can also let go of the resenment and try to move forward then you might have a chance. My wife and I are probably getting a divorce, not because of my ADHD, but because of her incapacity to move forward and let go of the resentment. Every single argument, no matter how small, becomes an argument of every argument we ever had. And that is draining and tiring and sad. I love my wife, but we are not happy. Is it because of ADHD? Not entirely, some things have been managed pretty well. Everything else then relies on yourselves.
Good luck
|
|
seelphed
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 1
|
Post by seelphed on Sept 7, 2021 17:58:16 GMT
Hi Erindee,
I have ADHD, diagnosed as an adult. Obviously, we are not clones so things in my situation might not apply to yours. My wife saw similars problems, but when talking to friends of supposedly normal people, a lot of the issues were standard accross the board. I would say be careful at just blaming everything on ADHD. Move from the shaming to the assigning blame to things and be responsible for your own things as well. I know first hand that when my wife had her own issues she used to assign them to me only for their family or friends to shoot back at her and have overblown arguments of their own to conclude "Oh, now I understand him".
If you can also let go of the resenment and try to move forward then you might have a chance. My wife and I are probably getting a divorce, not because of my ADHD, but because of her incapacity to move forward and let go of the resentment. Every single argument, no matter how small, becomes an argument of every argument we ever had. And that is draining and tiring and sad. I love my wife, but we are not happy. Is it because of ADHD? Not entirely, some things have been managed pretty well. Everything else then relies on yourselves.
Good luck
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2021 21:37:03 GMT
I always assumed I would end up alone. Kinda made peace with it before I got diagnosed.
Tablets allow you to glimpse at the car crash that is your life. It's probably not unusual for this realisation to trigger some drastic changes.
I hope it all works out for you.
|
|
|
Post by Juliet Vijn on Sept 12, 2021 3:28:31 GMT
Am really sorry to hear. Maybe it’s for the best tho. My husband has adhd and when I fell pregnant with our only child he just left without saying a word. It was April 25th 2020 so beginning of lockdown. I had no car nothing living in a small Cheshire town. Worst of all his parents knew from day one but never rang me to see how I was getting on with pregnancy. I was 11 weeks then. He then proceeded to blame me for everything and went about saying I was emotionally abusing him. Of course people on his side bought the story. His parents rather acknowledging that he was different as a child and seek help did nothing and just overcompensated for everything he did wrong. So after two yrs of marriage I insisted he go to see a specialist as I knew it was adhd having worked in schools and recognising the symptoms. He and they have never fully accepted the diagnosis and to add to that he is lazy as a person so imagine what life has been like for me. I took him bk for two reasons. I don’t agree with divorce except if one mate has cheated and I wanted my child to grow up with Teo parents in her life at the same time.
Am sorry I can’t be more positive but adhd adult romantic relationships tend to fail. Many have commended me on how I managed to carry a pregnancy alone during full lockdown with no one around not even my family. The thing is my father raised 4 children in his own( my mother left when I was six am now 36) which instilled in me a very resilient spirit. Without that background I would have crumbled.
Focus on your child and yourself now.
P. S I get the Italian thing about not understanding adult adhd. I’m Italian but not by birth… lived ther through teenage yrs and this secondary school and a bit college so I get the mentality there.
Don’t focus on your spouse it will drain you and leave you bitter
|
|