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Post by magicnick1990 on Feb 4, 2010 2:35:58 GMT
Most of you may know me here, I'm Nick - 19, from Wales.
Erm, I'll skip the life story but right now I'm just manically depressed / confused... I'm actually just crying and I don't know why.
I just wanna blow my brains out...
Erm, the past few days have been really fucking horrible. I spent the other night staying up all night doing drugs and staring blank into the floor for 10 hours having a debate about depression with two 'mates'.
Really pissed me off because one of them was trying to say I don't have enough circumstantial reason to be depressed and he couldn't get the fact that it's my brain not my situation.
I mean I'm currently trying to run web design business, I'm minus £2k with the bank from wasting it all but... This sounds stupid but none of this feels like it's the true source of my depression.
I've always been like this... I'm currently writing a book also on Atheism but I can't focus enough on anything, I keep spinning myself out, almost blacking-out from too much thought.
It feels like my brain is an inferno of mega-thought and I have no real outlet and I'm just crying because I'm imploding and am dangerously confused, I just want to escape it. This isn't even desperation sucidal blah blah 'oh help me' type talk.
This is my thoughts as genuinely as I can express them right now, I don't know what to do, don't know why I'm even so confused, I just feel... Like I'm a fucking enigma to myself, I can't figure myself out or figure out any possible solution to my uncontrollable... Overwhelming, crippling, constant depressive episodes.
I've been 99% sure for the past year I have ADHD, still trying to get treated. Does any of this sound like manic depression too? Or do you think I'm both or just one? I don't know, I just feel horrible. I constantly feel like I need to make an impact, like I should be acheiving mountains but can't make a fucking mole-hill.
I can't even put the effort in to help myself, I just wanna ball up and die. I give up. In the purest sense of that term. Life wins.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2010 9:42:29 GMT
I think your analising yourself too much instead of getting on with life. YOU have to ways to go if you decide to give up you will never know wether its adhd and it can get better. We vall get down and dippondant at times ive ffelt suicidal at times too, it more a cry for help wanting reassurance, with the stuff going on in head. You really arent doing self favours blowing money on drugs isn't the answer cause it changes nothing you come out of the drug stupor with the same issues. What you need to do is get yourself together see your gp and insist tey refer you for assessment or treatment. They wont treat you while your on drugs. Forget the pass look t the future try and turn your life around learn from your mistakes and make it work. Wallowing isnt the answer if you carry on like thuis life wont get better cause your not trying to make it better and efore you lknow it you willbe 30 and nothing will have changed and you will be posting on here with the same thread. Only you can turn it around no one else. Think of your family too what your putting them through. Sorry i feel for you, but you hav a chance to get diagnosed early and sort life out dont screw it up.
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Post by laura on Feb 4, 2010 11:08:01 GMT
hello nick, i second what vicky said, you need to go to your gp or even a&e and get some help if your feeling suicidal. i know its not the time for jokes but i can get that song out of my head, 'the drugs dont work, they just make it worse' its so true tho, please get some help, im so sorry your feeling like this but it can get get better
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2010 14:00:16 GMT
A few people have also posted some ideas and support into an earlier thread "Can't handle life" ( aadduk.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=2285). I realise it probably doesn't seem that way at the moment, but things do change so hang in for a while, maybe try the Samaritans if you are desperate and perhaps think about just one step that's within reach, rather than trying to deal with it all at once. ADHD makes us very impatient a lot of the time, and we feel we can't wait. But we just can't sort it all at once--no-one can, whether they have ADHD or not. It's hard to hear when you feel as bad and as trapped as you describe but it can be done. You've survived some pretty tough times already. Sounds as if you have a good mind and talents, and you've got the energy that comes with being young. There are people here who have got to some greater peace of mind and happiness after years and years, and you're starting out a lot earlier than many of us! And Meggie is dead right--there are other people in this picture too. I'm sure you don't want them to suffer, so maybe do it for them as well as for you. You might well have ADHD, you might be bi-polar, or both, or it might be something else altogether. But it will be very hard for anyone, even the most gifted and empathetic psychiatrist, to work it out while the drugs are getting in the way. It's not a moral thing, it's just very, very hard to see what's really going on beneath the surface. Many different parts of your experience and your behaviour and the way you describe it will be altered in some way by almost all drugs (legal and illegal). If you can think of one thing to start getting your head clear and then take it: that's a huge step forward. Keep it realistic, if it doesn't work just do the next thing, or try it again. Maybe post what you think the step might be if it would help you for other people know what you are trying to do as well. And other people have provided some information about where you might get some help right now. I'll be thinking of you, I really want you to work it out and for you to be able to enjoy your life.
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Post by phil on Feb 4, 2010 22:10:23 GMT
Nick could it be that you really believe in god? and this is causing you internal conflict? the power of christ he compells you! did you call C.A.L.L www.callhelpline.org.uk/ they will give you all the help you need ;D f*** you're friends off if it means you won't take drugs! until you stop doing drugs you won't get a true diagnosis! i had some f**king emotional breakdown and i was tearfull a few years but now i seldom cry maybe once a year i shed! what drugs are you doing ganja, skunk, poppers, crack, heroin, E's? lsd? you tell us what you need to do nick what are you're priorities?
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Post by phil on Feb 4, 2010 22:48:45 GMT
nick you're alot like a puppy! puppies have bad habbits too! at this moment i would say you're wallowing in self pitty! i'll tell you what if you was in my shoes you would know what a hard time is! ever thought you could be suffering from psychosomaticia? i quote you :I spent the other night staying up all night doing drugs and staring blank into the floor for 10 hours having a debate about depression with two 'mates'. with depression yes you can be tearful but would you have a debate for ten hours whilst depressed? that sounds more like hypomania! or you was on phet or E? call me full of shit but this is what you do! 1. stop taking drugs! if needs be disown you're friends who do drugs if all you're mates do drugs find some new ones! 2. get a used fruit machine from the adtrader to satify you're gambling addiction! you can gamble all day and never lose! 3. make a blog on here and every day write down how you are feeling, if you have had any symptoms! how many hours you slept ect then print it all off and take it to whitchurch hospital when you're G.P reffers you!
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Post by monkey12345 on Feb 6, 2010 10:17:52 GMT
Erm, the past few days have been really fucking horrible. I spent the other night staying up all night doing drugs and staring blank into the floor for 10 hours having a debate about depression with two 'mates'. Really pissed me off because one of them was trying to say I don't have enough circumstantial reason to be depressed and he couldn't get the fact that it's my brain not my situation. They have probably never been that depressed without external influences, it can be a bit pointless argueing things like that with people who have never been there and don't understand. I mean I'm currently trying to run web design business, I'm minus £2k with the bank from wasting it all but... This sounds stupid but none of this feels like it's the true source of my depression. I've always been like this... Last year in the summer i went on ssri's because i was really loosing it with depression. it had two effects 1) made me completely manic with a shit load of energy 2) made it impossible for me to be depressed - i even tried very hard out of curiosity to get depressed. it was actually a great relief however my thought processes that usually led to low sinking feelings were still there, instead of ending with me crying it would usually end up with me being a bit annoyed. I relised i had these thought patterns that spiralled out of controll and i could identify them and had a huge stab at thinking where they were coming from and altering them. *note; side effects included an increased lack of ability to focus, a general headonistic attitude to everything(which included me waking up in the middle of a street in london one morning - not my home town or where i was drinking the night before) i came off them after a month cold turkey expecting withdrawl problems but didn't encounter any and i was in a rather overly happy possitive mood for about two months. i came to the conclusion that although in life i am prone to spouts of long term depression and i think this may have a chemical nature my brain must have a thought process feedback type reaction. for example; when you get scared because someone threatens you - part of your brain sends a signal to your heart to increace in activity as well as other bits and peices in order to respond to fight or flight situations, your brain - both higher and lower functioning parts pick up on this and there's sort of a feedback loop between the two which equipts the person to fight, flight or in the cases of some people who are prone to it freeze. i think in someways this must be a bit simmular to the way i get chronically depressed. although i must stress it is speculation on my part. the other thing at the time was that i was in big trouble - debt/failing uni/problems with at the time female/parents etc and although i don't feel these were root causes they were certainly at the very least a huge catalyst. I dont think i would be wise to rule out your current situations entirely it is clearly going to be a complicated problem. I'm currently writing a book also on Atheism but I can't focus enough on anything, I keep spinning myself out, almost blacking-out from too much thought. I get a but like that, when it happens i put my ipod in my ears go for a run/walk/hit a punchbag. I also try to meditate out of it if my mind thinking about something different. i also try to read something light and unrelated and usually funny. there are a number of good podcasts i listen to / are available. depends what the situation is to what helps me. It feels like my brain is an inferno of mega-thought and I have no real outlet and I'm just crying because I'm imploding and am dangerously confused, I just want to escape it. This isn't even desperation sucidal blah blah 'oh help me' type talk. ^^have a stab at distracting yourself, take yourself into a different situation as above. it might help. I've been 99% sure for the past year I have ADHD, still trying to get treated. Does any of this sound like manic depression too? Or do you think I'm both or just one? I don't know, I just feel horrible. I constantly feel like I need to make an impact, like I should be acheiving mountains but can't make a fucking mole-hill. Again i understand that way of thinking, if that's your drive its very admirable. you have to consider that most people who make an impact tend to do it in there late 20's and up - you also need to consider that add/bipolar etc although real problems are names given to collections of symptoms and are a on a sliding scale - its important not to self diagnose too much as it could be one both or none of those things as somone above said. there may have even been evolutionary reasons for bipolar/add existing and just becuase you may not fit easyly into a name/box doesn't mean you don't have a problem. Im bipolar btw. hope you can sort things out in your mind and dont be too hard on yourself - your only 19 mate.
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Post by magicnick1990 on Feb 8, 2010 23:28:19 GMT
nick you're alot like a puppy! puppies have bad habbits too! at this moment i would say you're wallowing in self pitty! That's right but it's never just one level of self-pitty. This is the problem, I can't help but analyze EVERYTHING to my last breath. My mum says stop and shut your brain off etc. I can't! So I won't just be depressed, wallowing in self-pitty, it's like four layers of that due to non-stop MANIC self-analysis and hyper-thinking. And I know that's normal of a human but of course it's to the extreme. And the more I talk to other people mind you, the more I realize I keep overestimating other people's intelligence lmao. I often pander to myself and say well yeah okay maybe just thinking in layers etc... Of course, all humans do this. But with the depression it becomes so many layers of self-pitty, pitty FOR the self-pitty, ANGER at the self-analysis, ADMIRATION of the level of detail in my analysis, INTRIGUE in the new-found admiration, ANGER due to lack of energy / focus to fulfil the new spark... See what I mean? This is what happens at a supersonic rate over and over. Other week I just cried and then just went and put a knife to my throat, knowing before I even picked the knife up I wouldn't do it but just trying to get a bit of guts and push it harder and then just crying and not being able to do it. Then like two days later I'll laugh at the whole thing but at the time it's movie-like intense... Yes I have debates in any state. I'm the worst or... To myself the 'best' lmao when I've had no sleep and watched a number of 'hot-topic' things that erk me, anything to do with the government... National security, fuck all that, I don't wanna get into it but anything that's just layerrrrrs upon layyyyyeers of depth and debate I just spin myself out, my mother literally, like, as I'm speaking to her we both laugh because words are sonic-speeding out of my mouth, 40% finished sentences, so excited to express the opinions, not being able to get them out fast enough... But then like, forgetting all 'tone' and 'expressive emotives' and just sort of spewing it all out and then sort of getting a peverse addiction for my own intelligence... I mean as much as I hate myself I equally am in-love with my brain lmao. As I'm explaining these things or trying to gode people into debates, I get more and more addicted to impressing myself, explaining the next bit of information in a more profound way, provoking a bigger response etc. Oh yeah I mean with this guy I used to share a house with, we used to literally debate religion / politics for 8-12 hours per night, just non-stop. I mean this guy DEFINITELY has ADHD or Bi-Polar too, no fucking question, he's exactly like me. He's 36, I'm 19, our text messages even look identical, 50 pages essays, written with the same incerpts of emphasis on self-awareness, playing ourselve... Aw man, just, insane. But yeah in reference to that night, we had been doing Mephedrone all day. Still legal, yada yada, don't wanna get into a drug debate no offence, I give myself enough lectures on drugs and my phone has been off for 3 days even though I did more the other night I've just wasted years of my life and money and nearly died like... REALLY nearly died way too many times. Got to stop now. So yeah. I dunno. Confusion. Probably sums it up best. Four days of this is pointless, somebody please give me a gun, half an hour of I'm a genius and I'm going to impact the world at a blink lmao, then another 2 days of fuck this, stay in bed, can't move. Back and forth, total extremes. No middle ground now. No balance.
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Post by phil on Feb 9, 2010 16:10:52 GMT
i know what you mean nick jon about debating over stuff. being put on ssri's can make you higher! but the BNF (doctors bible) reckon that with ssri's there is no evidance of them working! and they do more harm than good. what you are discribing is hypomania, hypomania is a precurser to mania, in bipolar. or a symptom of ADHD. i'm not judging you or lecturing you about taking drugs i've done it myself i have been where you have! all i'm saying is you wan't help in the one hand in the other hand you're holding a needle (so to speak call it a theoretical syringe) that needle is going to spike you to getting a true diagnosis! they can take blood and even hair samples and could even pin point when you have taken drugs so you can't just lie about you're drug consumption the sadest thing is taking drugs will give you high's and lows! and at the moment there is no evidance that it's not the drugs you have taken to contridict the evidance that it this what you are going through is drug induced? are you really a genius nick or john? it kinda depends on the way you define the word genius you got what £300 pounds on you're last job to build a web site or what ever! i made £350 for half a days work and that was going back years ago! ;D but i found that the buzz i got from working was my ecceles heel that caused me hypomania so i had to give it up! drugs where causing other issues in the way of my diagnosis so i give it up! you are a genius alright i'll tell you what i am an atheist i don't believe in any religion i believe in myself and i believe that i can get out of this situation! as an atheist i can tell you now that i would not buy you're book on atheism! why should i? so i'll tell you what get you're book finished and get it published! you're book will flop! as a genius you would know who you're target demographic is, ie; who you're book is going to appeal to. would you get any athists buying it? christians? muslims? jewish? i would say if you really thing you're book is going to be a huge sucess then i would truly say you are delusional! calling you're self a genius you are having grandious delusions not even a true genius would be so modest! print this out take it to the G.P, psychiatrist! chances are you are likely to have bipolar but until you get off the drugs there is no primary evidance to this! as it could be the drugs most of the major religions would think it's the book of the devil
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Post by andy12345 on Feb 10, 2010 0:25:53 GMT
I was going to reply but now I have to think a bit....... My cousin and I always joked about our brains along the lines of. I'll try and do "x" task, but at the moment my brain is just sending the first draft request to the correct part of the brain. (ie,...it ain't gonna happen anytime soon) You see, no matter what, without correcting the delaying/procrastination/perfectionism possibilities/bipolar/adhd etc etc....it's always just going to be one big procrastination task of avoidance/putting it off until tomorrow. I have a hell of a time getting out......why......is it so hard just to step outside for a walk? It should not be, but for some reason I have a clamp on every thought/movement/task.. It drives me mad and I'm not even sure that it is ADHD........anymore..but if not, what is it? I don't think I really care anymore either way, but like most on here, we are pretty much "yeah, i've got this and i'll try and deal with it but I'm not going to cry about it because it could be worse etc etc but meanwhile I do wish I could drink my tea cofee whilst its hot LOL. So, I am waiting for ADHD consult at maudsley london in the near future...............many others are waiting at various locations countrywide. _______________ Phil is already known to the psychiatric services and is waiting for diagnosis, but has epilepsy (very possibly temporal lobe?) along with possible temporal lobe adhd (defined by daniel amen as one of the 6 types of adhd) .......the temporal lobe adhd can also cause some aggression issues and seems like he has symptoms of hypomania as well so is that caused by bipolar 2 or is it a damaged temporal lobe leading to some hypomania symptoms which is known as .......bipolar 2.... Hang on- you don't get the depression side, if I remember correctly? __________________ Nick is a human computer who can write pages and pages, like I can, but can't manage 1 page to PALS to try and liaise and get some progress with the adhd possibility......but then he very possibly has hypomania symptoms as well.....drugs aside. He can spend 10 hours debating the evolution of the world, but not half an hour on the letter. I can spend 5 hours or more per day messing around with pc's but then can't spend 1 hour a week to tidy my room...... I'm great at giving advise that I can't follow...... Telling ourselves what to do is the hardest thing and I can only hope that "correct" medication will help all and sundry. The advantage to this site is that everyone is matter-of-fact and not really looking for sympathy, but instead looking for answers/progess and resolutions. It's funny that there are not a great deal of sympathy seekers here, perhaps adhders (and possible adhders) are just so black and white that they can't be bothered with that? ? We don't really have to hide much because we're generally all honest about the situation and this is where the www really helps because without it, we would all do what? Goto the doctors more, drink more, take more drugs? In some cases though, websites just enable procrastination and the web really does enable lots of research abilities about every topic under and over the sun............nick cough. (i'm the same, but I reach a limit on the topic and then just wander off to the next) Anyway, just a long blathering waffly post that probably did not achieve a great deal, but hopefully achieved something somehow. o.O Incidentally, I was also thinking that, professionals have a disadvantage to diagnosis that we don't.....lack of time and lack of novel/theoretical and sometimes more modern research.... Fair enough, they have to use diagnostic methods etc, but we can have hours/days/weeks months to think.........hmmmmm do I fit this.....do I fit that, no, do I fit that instead, not quite..hmmm etc etc So, once you go through these.......with a fine tooth comb, you may be able to work better with a psych on getting a diagnosis of something, but unfortunately they still have to use their judgement lol............. ASD, Bipolar disorder spectrum (including cyclothymia), borderline personality (some symptoms crossover with adhd), histrionic, , narcissism, psychopathy (not just killing people- read low moral conscience or none), sociopathy, epilepsy, dysthymia and/or atypical depression, procrastination, perfectionism, ADHD(all subtypes). Of course the only trouble with most of these issues is that people may not want to tell or even know the truth.... Hell, sometimes people are too nervous to admit they did something wrong....I'm sure we've all been there as kids or big kids. Anyway, whatever!
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Post by phil on Feb 10, 2010 3:20:06 GMT
Andy well said I have a theory and can trace my adhd back to my mother! She was prematurely born and another factor is my family decend from irish back ground! I believe my brother has tigger type adhd but he is my half brother hence my belief where this came from My son is diagnosed. There's too much swaying me to adhd and you're fogetting I practically had to study bipolar to prove I do not have it. As for bipolar 2 what can I say I'm male! And my mood swings are too frequent to fit the criteria for bp2 I know one thing when I do find out what's up I may aswell go for a psychiatry degree! I would not have much to study I got to see the p-doc on friday to get a refferal to a adhd professor sue recomended I got to get my p-doc to send me for a second opinion! The chances of this happening I got more chance of finding rocking horse poo if I get fobbed off or f***ed about I don't care I will find the money go private And I'm that confident I have adhd I will sue every f***ing two bit shrink that has wrongly Diagnosed me! And as it will be proved that I'm not delusional I can go to the Press with my story as what goes on in a mental hospital! Think about how many folks have adhd right now in the uk who are on Lithium or anticonvulsants as they are misdiagnosed?
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Post by phil on Feb 10, 2010 3:30:48 GMT
Another thing is procrastination a bipolar trairt?
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Post by andy12345 on Feb 10, 2010 3:31:40 GMT
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