Post by Lame44 on May 28, 2010 21:46:01 GMT
I really have had a gut full lately, my ears wont stop playing up, I keep getting into rages and I'm still waiting for results about my health.
I had to have another MRI a few weeks back, n the letter says there is nothing major showing, but a few 'none specific' changes have occured.....I guess they dont know what they mean!!!
I'm still waiting the results of the EEG and my GP said they have found that I dont have enough Phosphorus in me, that my levels are too low. Most people wouldn't know about this, coz even if it's low, it usually shows no sign or problems.
However my GP said it could be the key to some of my problems as it can cause neurological effects and seizures etc etc.
Last Friday was spent with full on vertigo and vomiting, and then I started vomiting blood up again, n the past few days my ears have been playing up again, and I know the vertigo is pending at the min, so I just want it over n done with.
Anyway, I just lost it today over something stupid, well, money going missing out of the bank and I know for sure I only paid a few bills, n my mobile bill, the account shows everthing apart from the fone at the min, n since the money only went in today and all I paid was gas, elec and water then 25.26 p for my contract fone, however, another 35.26 has gone walkies in the space of about half hour, with no trace.
So anyway, that set me off, and coz of knowing the vertigo is coming and I've felt off ballance for a few days Ijust lost it big time. I ranted in my gf's car all the way to town about everything going tits up every single time my Menieres plays up.
I got so mad in the car I started hitting myself, punching my legs, trying to rip my hair out, and I tried to even rip my ear off more than a few times.
I got into town, ranted through town n peple were looking, and in the end I dunno what came over me, I shouted 'oh you've all never seen a tranny before' and stuff about people always treating me like shit.
This one guy was just tsood still glaring at me, n I shouted 'whats the matter, you never seen someone who's born a girl have a change into a bloke before?' He swore at me, so I told him to fuck off. Then this young girl came over gobbin' and I told her to f off, n she started having ago, so I called her a s****t and she wanted to carry on, then her Mam came over n started hit me, and my GF got between n pulled her away, then the police turned up.
Coz I'm the one shouting they of course go at me, and let the woman piss off down the town. The copper said to calm down n they said they would arrest me if I didn't stop swearing. I said I've got a freedom of speech, n he said not if you keepo swearing in front of people you havent.
Anyway I offered my hands n just gave up, said 'take me'. He said he didn't want to, and to maybe go for a drink n calm down. I said it was too late, that it's all too late, n they wouldn't help me before when I get abused n harrassed by people just for being a tranny.
Anyway he saw me calming down n went off to find the woman who wanted to beat my head in, n came back after a few mins. He siad the woman is well known n that if I have any problems to get in touch with him. I was still quite anoyed though n said I would belt her if she wanted to start on me again. He went to say what would happen, I said 'I know, I'd be arrested' and you know I couldn't care one bit at that point.
But after a bit I just broke down in the end n caved in, I got an appointment to see the GP on call who was rather abrupt n none understanding. He said that I'm not dying n that I'm not losing my mind because he had asked me what he could do. I said tell me I'm not going insane or losing my mind.
I am just worn out, so tired of fighting to be treated an equal amongst fighting to be healthy. People see me n I still get asked for I.D to buy a beer, even though it's not for me but like when I bought my Dad some for his Bday not so long back.
They look at me, think I'm a young kid n think they have the right to look, speak or shout down to me when I'm nearly 30 years old for Christsake. I've even had one bloke get up a ladder so he could watch me over his garden fence while I was taking my old dog out for a walk in the morning, or if he was inside he'd go upstairs n look at me through his window.
See previously he accused me of having my music on one night, all night, when it wasn't me, it was someone underneath me who was always the same, but he came knocking MY door having a fit at me about it. I try to explain I was (back then) at work til nearly one am and that I had been kept up half the night too, but you know he even had the cheek to say that I wasn't coz I didn't work! Since then he made my life hell, and he was waiting to see if I cleaned up my dog mess every single time he saw me walk her.
I must have disappointed him though so he tried more because I always cleaned n still do clean up my dogs mess, but this kinda shit, like I've just written, it happens to me all the time. People look, judge, have ago, n dont give me one damn second to explain, they have ago, then cut me off.
Some bitch had ago the other night in Tesco, the machine ate my GF's card, the staff were unhelpful, n I got annoyed. This woman who had been waiting in the queue no less than a few mins come having a fit at me telling me it's not Tescos fault, it's the bank n to call them.
(See I got accussed of shouting when I wasn't, it's a huge 24 hr store, people coming in n out n I'm fucking completely deaf in one ear ffs, I couldn't hear myself, let alone the staff the other side of the counter, but I wasn't ranting n ravin as they made me out to be).
Anyway I went to try and explain to her that I wanted the number from one of Tescos staff and that I couldn't get the number because it's on the card that has just been ate. She cut me straight off by saying 'I dont want to get involved'! I couldn't fucking believe it...She didn't want to get involved, but she can come up in front of loads of people and have ago at me, but when it comes to me explaining my problem, she waved her hand and said she didn't want to get involved.
And it's shit like this that has fucking bored holes into me most of my life. People come up, have ago, hit me, hurt me, verbally, mentally and even sexually abuse me, yet I'm not supposed to get pissed off about it all, I'm supposed to stand there like some little kid n not even be heard, to stand there and take it all.
Needless to say, today was my own fault, for once! I'll openly admit it, but I've had enough now. I want to be left alone, I want to get things sorted without people either fobbing me off or having a good old poke n prod at me every damn few minutes of my life. I just cant sit back n fucking take it all for much longer, and today proved it, nothing entered my head at all about possible consequences of today, I had and have just reached my fucking limit.
And yet I'm the one still fucking hurting n crying over it all like that sad t**t that I am........How fucked up is that?!
I had to have another MRI a few weeks back, n the letter says there is nothing major showing, but a few 'none specific' changes have occured.....I guess they dont know what they mean!!!
I'm still waiting the results of the EEG and my GP said they have found that I dont have enough Phosphorus in me, that my levels are too low. Most people wouldn't know about this, coz even if it's low, it usually shows no sign or problems.
However my GP said it could be the key to some of my problems as it can cause neurological effects and seizures etc etc.
Last Friday was spent with full on vertigo and vomiting, and then I started vomiting blood up again, n the past few days my ears have been playing up again, and I know the vertigo is pending at the min, so I just want it over n done with.
Anyway, I just lost it today over something stupid, well, money going missing out of the bank and I know for sure I only paid a few bills, n my mobile bill, the account shows everthing apart from the fone at the min, n since the money only went in today and all I paid was gas, elec and water then 25.26 p for my contract fone, however, another 35.26 has gone walkies in the space of about half hour, with no trace.
So anyway, that set me off, and coz of knowing the vertigo is coming and I've felt off ballance for a few days Ijust lost it big time. I ranted in my gf's car all the way to town about everything going tits up every single time my Menieres plays up.
I got so mad in the car I started hitting myself, punching my legs, trying to rip my hair out, and I tried to even rip my ear off more than a few times.
I got into town, ranted through town n peple were looking, and in the end I dunno what came over me, I shouted 'oh you've all never seen a tranny before' and stuff about people always treating me like shit.
This one guy was just tsood still glaring at me, n I shouted 'whats the matter, you never seen someone who's born a girl have a change into a bloke before?' He swore at me, so I told him to fuck off. Then this young girl came over gobbin' and I told her to f off, n she started having ago, so I called her a s****t and she wanted to carry on, then her Mam came over n started hit me, and my GF got between n pulled her away, then the police turned up.
Coz I'm the one shouting they of course go at me, and let the woman piss off down the town. The copper said to calm down n they said they would arrest me if I didn't stop swearing. I said I've got a freedom of speech, n he said not if you keepo swearing in front of people you havent.
Anyway I offered my hands n just gave up, said 'take me'. He said he didn't want to, and to maybe go for a drink n calm down. I said it was too late, that it's all too late, n they wouldn't help me before when I get abused n harrassed by people just for being a tranny.
Anyway he saw me calming down n went off to find the woman who wanted to beat my head in, n came back after a few mins. He siad the woman is well known n that if I have any problems to get in touch with him. I was still quite anoyed though n said I would belt her if she wanted to start on me again. He went to say what would happen, I said 'I know, I'd be arrested' and you know I couldn't care one bit at that point.
But after a bit I just broke down in the end n caved in, I got an appointment to see the GP on call who was rather abrupt n none understanding. He said that I'm not dying n that I'm not losing my mind because he had asked me what he could do. I said tell me I'm not going insane or losing my mind.
I am just worn out, so tired of fighting to be treated an equal amongst fighting to be healthy. People see me n I still get asked for I.D to buy a beer, even though it's not for me but like when I bought my Dad some for his Bday not so long back.
They look at me, think I'm a young kid n think they have the right to look, speak or shout down to me when I'm nearly 30 years old for Christsake. I've even had one bloke get up a ladder so he could watch me over his garden fence while I was taking my old dog out for a walk in the morning, or if he was inside he'd go upstairs n look at me through his window.
See previously he accused me of having my music on one night, all night, when it wasn't me, it was someone underneath me who was always the same, but he came knocking MY door having a fit at me about it. I try to explain I was (back then) at work til nearly one am and that I had been kept up half the night too, but you know he even had the cheek to say that I wasn't coz I didn't work! Since then he made my life hell, and he was waiting to see if I cleaned up my dog mess every single time he saw me walk her.
I must have disappointed him though so he tried more because I always cleaned n still do clean up my dogs mess, but this kinda shit, like I've just written, it happens to me all the time. People look, judge, have ago, n dont give me one damn second to explain, they have ago, then cut me off.
Some bitch had ago the other night in Tesco, the machine ate my GF's card, the staff were unhelpful, n I got annoyed. This woman who had been waiting in the queue no less than a few mins come having a fit at me telling me it's not Tescos fault, it's the bank n to call them.
(See I got accussed of shouting when I wasn't, it's a huge 24 hr store, people coming in n out n I'm fucking completely deaf in one ear ffs, I couldn't hear myself, let alone the staff the other side of the counter, but I wasn't ranting n ravin as they made me out to be).
Anyway I went to try and explain to her that I wanted the number from one of Tescos staff and that I couldn't get the number because it's on the card that has just been ate. She cut me straight off by saying 'I dont want to get involved'! I couldn't fucking believe it...She didn't want to get involved, but she can come up in front of loads of people and have ago at me, but when it comes to me explaining my problem, she waved her hand and said she didn't want to get involved.
And it's shit like this that has fucking bored holes into me most of my life. People come up, have ago, hit me, hurt me, verbally, mentally and even sexually abuse me, yet I'm not supposed to get pissed off about it all, I'm supposed to stand there like some little kid n not even be heard, to stand there and take it all.
Needless to say, today was my own fault, for once! I'll openly admit it, but I've had enough now. I want to be left alone, I want to get things sorted without people either fobbing me off or having a good old poke n prod at me every damn few minutes of my life. I just cant sit back n fucking take it all for much longer, and today proved it, nothing entered my head at all about possible consequences of today, I had and have just reached my fucking limit.
And yet I'm the one still fucking hurting n crying over it all like that sad t**t that I am........How fucked up is that?!