Post by magicnick1990 on Jun 30, 2010 20:23:17 GMT
Okay, I think I've probably made a post like this every other month but I'm finally too sick to do something I think. So this will definitely be my last post of this nature. I haven't been on here a while, I've been constantly going through mental hell. Last night just randomly crying for a good while again.
My name is Nick, I'm 19 from the UK.
I feel like I have to write my entire history everytime for it to make sense to anybody reading it lmao. Um, I have a friend with ADHD - I met him... 2008 and he was convinced that I have it too.
We discussed it at length for hour upon hour, night after night. There was almost no doubt in my mind... I looked into it / studied it obsessively for a good few months after that and just re-affirmed every confidence that I had it.
Anyway, I um, went down my doctors and yada yada; basically I eventually got an appointment in some local mental health place but it wasn't ADHD specific. In fact, I think that the guy I saw was maybe standing in for the guy I was supposed to see. Because the letter which was sent from an ADHD specialist seemed caring and intelligent. Where as this guy I saw seemed uninterested from the get-go. What's annoying is, this guy clearly didn't even believe ADHD existed. He told me at the end, in a kind of smug way, that he's a skitzophrenic specialist and doesn't deal with ADHD. And that if I disagreed with his diagnosis I'd be waiting months and have to see some learning disorder woman down the hall. Almost like he wanted to rub it it, annoyed that I'd dare disagree with his conclusion.
He in fact listened to me explain my every problem for about an hour, I even gave him school reports which clearly emphasized my inability to sustain attain or put effort in etc. time after time and he sort of vaguely disregarded them. Stating that it looked like I maybe had 'mild' ADHD that has now gone. Irritatingly, when I questioned his analysis it was clear he knew literally nothing about the disorder. Even telling me ADHD is just 'in the head' and can be corrected with some basic training. He didn't even know the level to which it was genetically influenced.
So as you can imagine, I was infuriated. Despite the fact his opinion meant nothing to me obviously due to the aforementioned reasons... It was still crushing. I felt emotional and angry, on the verge of crying. Part in the fact that i had spent the good part of the year trying to convince my parents it even existed let alone that I had it. So this just confirmed to my mother that I didn't have anything wrong with me. Which I know for a fact is not true.
So after this point I kind of gave up partially. I just slumped and have been slumping... In and out for months. Primarily disconnected with everybody and everything, hating every inch of existence. Not that it's anything new I've always been like that but I've gotten profoundly low, to unexplainable degrees.
Anyway, I'd never properly looked into bipolar but was aware they could be easy to confuse, not to mention the fact they can co-exist and produce similar behavioural traits / thinking. It's only really been the last few days I've properly looked into bipolar with an objective mind, as I saw a line somewhere that said to definitely rule out bipolar before thinking you have ADHD.
Okay so, I mean, I was aware of the... 'Split' nature of bipolar for some time. In that, the reason it's called manic-depression is because it's a consistent shift between mania and depression. So recently I've been looking more into manic episodes and bipolar definitely seems to 'fit' me more. There were a few elements of ADHD that maybe didn't entirely fit that I was... Nudging to fit, I still can't decide. But bipolar... Everything is spot on.
Basically, I'm either horribly disconnected and depressed or I'm overly manic (in my thoughts / sometimes actions, behaviour). When I become manic it definitely feels like an 'episode' as something as simple as a comment, video or single thought can trigger it and it's a passing phase. It's not a permanent piece of me it feels like a triggered extension that's set off.
But I think what distinctly makes me bipolar is how manic I get. My thoughts are intensely 'big' and fast. It feels like I have a clear understanding of every element of life, humanity... My own thinking, everybody around me... I literally feel and often say (when manic) that I'm a genius. I often have to vent to people, I have the urge to let it all out let people know how much of a genius I am lmao. Not meaning to sound arrogant but this is the truth.
So I run downstairs and interrupt my mother, regardless of what she's doing and start rambling at 100mph, thoughts overlaping and I'm speaking so fast... It's like my thoughts are pouring out of my mouth and I'm trying to use my hands to catch and organize them sporadically. And formulate them in coherent sentences but sometimes falling sort. Talking in circles, thoughts... Build ontop of each other, like they progress in-real time and I keep expanding and expanding. Even to the degree of... Well, I was there with my mother explaining why a world without a monetary system would be better and just going into every aspect of politics, artistic freedom etc. and... I just felt like I was mentally on fire lmao. Literally as if, at that time anybody could ask me a question on anything and I'd have the absolute 'truth' answer to it. I just felt as if it was the 'way' I was thinking more than all of what I knew, like my mind was 'unlocked' to pure truth or something. I even sort of kept nudging slight antagonism in the conversation so she would keep asking me questions and I'd have... Ammo I guess lmao. Getting high from myself.
And I'm so totally in love with what I'm saying it's almost like the person listening just becomes a prop and all I'm interested in is them hearing and understanding what I say, I don't really care about their input. I sort of rush them out of any responses just to keep talking incase I forget each new thought. I also get more and more impressed with each new one, often explaining this as it's happening, to the person.
I'll also become overly sexual sometimes when I'm like this. Even to the point where... The other month I kept stealing my mother's credit card and using it on phone sex sites. I've mentioned this before but... It feels like the 'goal' whether it's sexual relief, gambling, a drug, a new business idea... Whatever, it feels like it becomes much too exciting to ignore. Like I have to achieve it no matter what. And I almost disregard all consequences. It's not that I'm totally oblivious to them I just choose to ignore them, or rather... I can't choose to pay attention to them.
It's almost like "Yeah I'll be fucked tomorrow (or even in an hour) but fuck it, this is NOW, this is brilliant for NOW just do it". Almost like the angel / devil situation but the devil is on speed and the angel hasn't had enough sleep. He can't convince me effectively.
I also think it's manic episodes because I often... Well I become so convinced in my ideas. Like, I'm not a typically confident person, I even often take the piss out myself a lot. Pretty low self-esteem but I am sort of... Arrogant in my own intelligence especially when manic. I'm not an arrogant person, to other people, AT ALL. But when I feel manic I just think "my thoughts cannot be touched" you know, no doubt delusional.
To the point where... I even drafted a letter to President Obama once as I was... Extremely pissed off about 9/11, I know a lot about that from obsessive research for months and it just got to a tipping point. Which is funny as on a bipolar page I even saw some examples of behaviour one of which being something like this, saying the person may draft a letter about financial solutions to the Prime Minister. I did actually make a copy to send to Brown at the time haha.
My problem is... Well, I think, after typing out my thoughts it's most certainly bipolar now. But I COULD have ADHD too I suppose. Problem is, all I care about is the truth. I must know the truth even if only for myself. So I don't want to get diagnosed for ADHD if I have bipolar or visa versa. I think I'm going to go with bipolar now because of the mania but to be honest, the medication for ADHD seems more effective.
I've actually tried Ritalin, from my friend and it worked great for me, although it wasn't longterm of course. So I don't want crappy anti-depressents that may just fuck up my mind / mood or simply not work. Should I even consider I have both... It's very annoying.
To anybody who's aware of who I am here and remembers my 20 other posts on this - I apologize for repeating myself but it was due to the confusion after that guy said I didn't have ADHD... I felt that maybe I was then just convincing myself so gave up for a while. But I really am going to go to the doctors again tomorrow now, this time with a full analysis, with the aim of getting help about bipolar, not ADHD.
Is there anyone here with a diagnosis or even... Further insight on this conundrum of making sure of the disorder, in particular these two. And anyone who maybe has bipolar and thinks what I've written is accurate to it... Or ADHD?
Any help would be appreciated, thanks.
My name is Nick, I'm 19 from the UK.
I feel like I have to write my entire history everytime for it to make sense to anybody reading it lmao. Um, I have a friend with ADHD - I met him... 2008 and he was convinced that I have it too.
We discussed it at length for hour upon hour, night after night. There was almost no doubt in my mind... I looked into it / studied it obsessively for a good few months after that and just re-affirmed every confidence that I had it.
Anyway, I um, went down my doctors and yada yada; basically I eventually got an appointment in some local mental health place but it wasn't ADHD specific. In fact, I think that the guy I saw was maybe standing in for the guy I was supposed to see. Because the letter which was sent from an ADHD specialist seemed caring and intelligent. Where as this guy I saw seemed uninterested from the get-go. What's annoying is, this guy clearly didn't even believe ADHD existed. He told me at the end, in a kind of smug way, that he's a skitzophrenic specialist and doesn't deal with ADHD. And that if I disagreed with his diagnosis I'd be waiting months and have to see some learning disorder woman down the hall. Almost like he wanted to rub it it, annoyed that I'd dare disagree with his conclusion.
He in fact listened to me explain my every problem for about an hour, I even gave him school reports which clearly emphasized my inability to sustain attain or put effort in etc. time after time and he sort of vaguely disregarded them. Stating that it looked like I maybe had 'mild' ADHD that has now gone. Irritatingly, when I questioned his analysis it was clear he knew literally nothing about the disorder. Even telling me ADHD is just 'in the head' and can be corrected with some basic training. He didn't even know the level to which it was genetically influenced.
So as you can imagine, I was infuriated. Despite the fact his opinion meant nothing to me obviously due to the aforementioned reasons... It was still crushing. I felt emotional and angry, on the verge of crying. Part in the fact that i had spent the good part of the year trying to convince my parents it even existed let alone that I had it. So this just confirmed to my mother that I didn't have anything wrong with me. Which I know for a fact is not true.
So after this point I kind of gave up partially. I just slumped and have been slumping... In and out for months. Primarily disconnected with everybody and everything, hating every inch of existence. Not that it's anything new I've always been like that but I've gotten profoundly low, to unexplainable degrees.
Anyway, I'd never properly looked into bipolar but was aware they could be easy to confuse, not to mention the fact they can co-exist and produce similar behavioural traits / thinking. It's only really been the last few days I've properly looked into bipolar with an objective mind, as I saw a line somewhere that said to definitely rule out bipolar before thinking you have ADHD.
Okay so, I mean, I was aware of the... 'Split' nature of bipolar for some time. In that, the reason it's called manic-depression is because it's a consistent shift between mania and depression. So recently I've been looking more into manic episodes and bipolar definitely seems to 'fit' me more. There were a few elements of ADHD that maybe didn't entirely fit that I was... Nudging to fit, I still can't decide. But bipolar... Everything is spot on.
Basically, I'm either horribly disconnected and depressed or I'm overly manic (in my thoughts / sometimes actions, behaviour). When I become manic it definitely feels like an 'episode' as something as simple as a comment, video or single thought can trigger it and it's a passing phase. It's not a permanent piece of me it feels like a triggered extension that's set off.
But I think what distinctly makes me bipolar is how manic I get. My thoughts are intensely 'big' and fast. It feels like I have a clear understanding of every element of life, humanity... My own thinking, everybody around me... I literally feel and often say (when manic) that I'm a genius. I often have to vent to people, I have the urge to let it all out let people know how much of a genius I am lmao. Not meaning to sound arrogant but this is the truth.
So I run downstairs and interrupt my mother, regardless of what she's doing and start rambling at 100mph, thoughts overlaping and I'm speaking so fast... It's like my thoughts are pouring out of my mouth and I'm trying to use my hands to catch and organize them sporadically. And formulate them in coherent sentences but sometimes falling sort. Talking in circles, thoughts... Build ontop of each other, like they progress in-real time and I keep expanding and expanding. Even to the degree of... Well, I was there with my mother explaining why a world without a monetary system would be better and just going into every aspect of politics, artistic freedom etc. and... I just felt like I was mentally on fire lmao. Literally as if, at that time anybody could ask me a question on anything and I'd have the absolute 'truth' answer to it. I just felt as if it was the 'way' I was thinking more than all of what I knew, like my mind was 'unlocked' to pure truth or something. I even sort of kept nudging slight antagonism in the conversation so she would keep asking me questions and I'd have... Ammo I guess lmao. Getting high from myself.
And I'm so totally in love with what I'm saying it's almost like the person listening just becomes a prop and all I'm interested in is them hearing and understanding what I say, I don't really care about their input. I sort of rush them out of any responses just to keep talking incase I forget each new thought. I also get more and more impressed with each new one, often explaining this as it's happening, to the person.
I'll also become overly sexual sometimes when I'm like this. Even to the point where... The other month I kept stealing my mother's credit card and using it on phone sex sites. I've mentioned this before but... It feels like the 'goal' whether it's sexual relief, gambling, a drug, a new business idea... Whatever, it feels like it becomes much too exciting to ignore. Like I have to achieve it no matter what. And I almost disregard all consequences. It's not that I'm totally oblivious to them I just choose to ignore them, or rather... I can't choose to pay attention to them.
It's almost like "Yeah I'll be fucked tomorrow (or even in an hour) but fuck it, this is NOW, this is brilliant for NOW just do it". Almost like the angel / devil situation but the devil is on speed and the angel hasn't had enough sleep. He can't convince me effectively.
I also think it's manic episodes because I often... Well I become so convinced in my ideas. Like, I'm not a typically confident person, I even often take the piss out myself a lot. Pretty low self-esteem but I am sort of... Arrogant in my own intelligence especially when manic. I'm not an arrogant person, to other people, AT ALL. But when I feel manic I just think "my thoughts cannot be touched" you know, no doubt delusional.
To the point where... I even drafted a letter to President Obama once as I was... Extremely pissed off about 9/11, I know a lot about that from obsessive research for months and it just got to a tipping point. Which is funny as on a bipolar page I even saw some examples of behaviour one of which being something like this, saying the person may draft a letter about financial solutions to the Prime Minister. I did actually make a copy to send to Brown at the time haha.
My problem is... Well, I think, after typing out my thoughts it's most certainly bipolar now. But I COULD have ADHD too I suppose. Problem is, all I care about is the truth. I must know the truth even if only for myself. So I don't want to get diagnosed for ADHD if I have bipolar or visa versa. I think I'm going to go with bipolar now because of the mania but to be honest, the medication for ADHD seems more effective.
I've actually tried Ritalin, from my friend and it worked great for me, although it wasn't longterm of course. So I don't want crappy anti-depressents that may just fuck up my mind / mood or simply not work. Should I even consider I have both... It's very annoying.
To anybody who's aware of who I am here and remembers my 20 other posts on this - I apologize for repeating myself but it was due to the confusion after that guy said I didn't have ADHD... I felt that maybe I was then just convincing myself so gave up for a while. But I really am going to go to the doctors again tomorrow now, this time with a full analysis, with the aim of getting help about bipolar, not ADHD.
Is there anyone here with a diagnosis or even... Further insight on this conundrum of making sure of the disorder, in particular these two. And anyone who maybe has bipolar and thinks what I've written is accurate to it... Or ADHD?
Any help would be appreciated, thanks.