Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2010 10:31:33 GMT
Hi all, i posted quite a while back, but can't find it now, so can't remember exactly what i wrote . I know myself and long term partner were separated at the time, i was on the verge of moving house without him, although still supporting him with gp appointments, emotional support etc.
Anyway, as the title says, we have had a reconciliation, just over a month ago. As is the way with us it was a bit chaotic...... I had been realising for a while that i still had strong feelings, coming to a head when we went to a little festie together as traders with his business, and i had such a good time and realised i was so proud of him and still wanted to be with him. Didnt act on it however, he then got into something with a woman a few weeks later, who said no to him in the end. He told me all about it, as he does, and was a mess from the rejection and still persuing her, and i kind of felt - it's now or never. Sent him a text, and it went from there......
(Woman got interested once he suddenly "wasn't available" although he also went into hypersexual inappropriate flirting with her via text . Cut a long story short he went to see her - he was convinced they could remain "friends" - she threw herself at him, and continued to do so by phone for a couple of days. OH has always had issues with obsessional behaviour over other women for our whole relationship - 14 yrs - which really worried me as something actually had happened between them. He said no to her, rejected her advances, which might sound like thats exactly what he should have done, but that was a huge thing for him, and me. Even a year or two ago he would have been off - she really tried to push his buttons, even though he had told her about the obsessional behaviour in the past, and that he didn't want to be like that any more. He has showed such huge self-awareness through it, real change.)
Anyway. We are actually really happy. Things are very affectionate, it has taken both of us by surprise. Feels like the most natural thing in the world .
There is a LOT of baggage however, most of which is being borne by my very nearly 16 year old daughter. I am sure i don't need to describe our previous life together for you all to imagine some of what she has grown up with....... Six years ago, OH had a drink problem for a shortish time, which culminated in him beating me up in a drunken rage - badly. DD was not in the house at the time, had she been i would have had him arrested, rather than just removed by the police (they dumped him in the city centre and i got up next day to find him asleep on the couch). He got some help at the time from a good counsellor, and things improved in the end, although for the last couple of years he has been in a very dark place, withdrawn, cold, suicidal. Up until the point we began to discover Aspergers and ADHD in fact, which, after sending him into a complete tailspin, has begun to really change him.
In hindsight i wish i had not told DD that my injuries were inflicted by him, i realise now that was far too much information for a child. At the time however, i was bringing her up in an atmosphere of great honesty (in reaction to my own decietful upbringing) and it felt important. All she can see now though, obviously, is that he is the man who beat me up, and that i want to be with someone who did that to me. Me and him have been through a huge process in the last year or so, a huge learning curve, and there has been so much change in the way we relate to each other, and how he relates to himself and the world. She has not been part of this though, and i was so adamant for a long time that things were over between us that i just look so two-faced to her now. I know she feels badly let down by me, let alone him.
I guess i am posting to ask if anyone can see any hope in the situation. Can we ever be some kind of functioning family again? Does anyone have experiencing of a couple overcoming violence and making it work? I had 6 months of good counselling after it happened, and i do not feel i have unresolved issues about it. I am not afraid of him, and do not believe he would do anything like it again. Also, i have to say, and this is stuff DD does not know, in the general scheme of my life that was not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I have no wish to go into details, but that does give me a possibly different perspective on it. (And no, i do not think i have a victim mantality towards myself either - i've done far too much therapy in the past for that : I have started to look for a child/family therapist of some kind. OH is very willing to do that, his biggest regrets are towards DD, talking about her has reduced him to tears on several occasions in the last month. In fact, before she knew we were back together i had told her about one of these occasions - when he had said he loved her, always had, but had just never known how to relate to her - and she had been pretty choked at the time. Now she knows we are back together (which i told her because we had been spending so much time together, i didn't want her to have to ask) she has become hard, and doesn't want to hear anything about it. I haven't even broached the idea of therapy with her yet. OH also has a supportive GP who is in the process, after being presented with the NICE guidelines the other week, of trying to refer on to either Bristol (nearest to us) or Maudsley so there will hopefully be more progress there. He is also looking for some CBT for OH. It was actually GP who first suggested ADHD, so he is fully supportive.
Any and all comments welcome thanks for reading it all!
Anyway, as the title says, we have had a reconciliation, just over a month ago. As is the way with us it was a bit chaotic...... I had been realising for a while that i still had strong feelings, coming to a head when we went to a little festie together as traders with his business, and i had such a good time and realised i was so proud of him and still wanted to be with him. Didnt act on it however, he then got into something with a woman a few weeks later, who said no to him in the end. He told me all about it, as he does, and was a mess from the rejection and still persuing her, and i kind of felt - it's now or never. Sent him a text, and it went from there......
(Woman got interested once he suddenly "wasn't available" although he also went into hypersexual inappropriate flirting with her via text . Cut a long story short he went to see her - he was convinced they could remain "friends" - she threw herself at him, and continued to do so by phone for a couple of days. OH has always had issues with obsessional behaviour over other women for our whole relationship - 14 yrs - which really worried me as something actually had happened between them. He said no to her, rejected her advances, which might sound like thats exactly what he should have done, but that was a huge thing for him, and me. Even a year or two ago he would have been off - she really tried to push his buttons, even though he had told her about the obsessional behaviour in the past, and that he didn't want to be like that any more. He has showed such huge self-awareness through it, real change.)
Anyway. We are actually really happy. Things are very affectionate, it has taken both of us by surprise. Feels like the most natural thing in the world .
There is a LOT of baggage however, most of which is being borne by my very nearly 16 year old daughter. I am sure i don't need to describe our previous life together for you all to imagine some of what she has grown up with....... Six years ago, OH had a drink problem for a shortish time, which culminated in him beating me up in a drunken rage - badly. DD was not in the house at the time, had she been i would have had him arrested, rather than just removed by the police (they dumped him in the city centre and i got up next day to find him asleep on the couch). He got some help at the time from a good counsellor, and things improved in the end, although for the last couple of years he has been in a very dark place, withdrawn, cold, suicidal. Up until the point we began to discover Aspergers and ADHD in fact, which, after sending him into a complete tailspin, has begun to really change him.
In hindsight i wish i had not told DD that my injuries were inflicted by him, i realise now that was far too much information for a child. At the time however, i was bringing her up in an atmosphere of great honesty (in reaction to my own decietful upbringing) and it felt important. All she can see now though, obviously, is that he is the man who beat me up, and that i want to be with someone who did that to me. Me and him have been through a huge process in the last year or so, a huge learning curve, and there has been so much change in the way we relate to each other, and how he relates to himself and the world. She has not been part of this though, and i was so adamant for a long time that things were over between us that i just look so two-faced to her now. I know she feels badly let down by me, let alone him.
I guess i am posting to ask if anyone can see any hope in the situation. Can we ever be some kind of functioning family again? Does anyone have experiencing of a couple overcoming violence and making it work? I had 6 months of good counselling after it happened, and i do not feel i have unresolved issues about it. I am not afraid of him, and do not believe he would do anything like it again. Also, i have to say, and this is stuff DD does not know, in the general scheme of my life that was not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I have no wish to go into details, but that does give me a possibly different perspective on it. (And no, i do not think i have a victim mantality towards myself either - i've done far too much therapy in the past for that : I have started to look for a child/family therapist of some kind. OH is very willing to do that, his biggest regrets are towards DD, talking about her has reduced him to tears on several occasions in the last month. In fact, before she knew we were back together i had told her about one of these occasions - when he had said he loved her, always had, but had just never known how to relate to her - and she had been pretty choked at the time. Now she knows we are back together (which i told her because we had been spending so much time together, i didn't want her to have to ask) she has become hard, and doesn't want to hear anything about it. I haven't even broached the idea of therapy with her yet. OH also has a supportive GP who is in the process, after being presented with the NICE guidelines the other week, of trying to refer on to either Bristol (nearest to us) or Maudsley so there will hopefully be more progress there. He is also looking for some CBT for OH. It was actually GP who first suggested ADHD, so he is fully supportive.
Any and all comments welcome thanks for reading it all!