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Jokes
Mar 17, 2011 18:51:05 GMT
Post by phil on Mar 17, 2011 18:51:05 GMT
what do you call a woman with 3 cunts?
jedwards mam ;D
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Deleted
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Jokes
Mar 17, 2011 21:25:11 GMT
Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2011 21:25:11 GMT
My Doctor has just told me that I have an attention deficit disorder. He mentioned something else about an over stimulated imagination too but I was too busy watching this fly break dancing on the windowsill. Now that genuinely did make me LOL - thanks Cherie!
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Post by twix on Mar 18, 2011 7:14:04 GMT
Raven d you missed; adhd press all or any of the buttons at random without really listening to this, swear at the on hold music, ffs why can't they answer the phone, wander off to make a cup of tea, wander up and down, and if you are still there when we answer you will wonder who is saying hello and won't remember what you wanted anyway.....
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2011 9:11:54 GMT
Post by Ravendarque on Mar 18, 2011 9:11:54 GMT
twix lol Today's XKCD seems very topical:
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2011 17:37:30 GMT
Post by twix on Mar 18, 2011 17:37:30 GMT
LOL love it...
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2011 17:42:58 GMT
Post by twix on Mar 18, 2011 17:42:58 GMT
My all time favourite, this came out as I was signing for my flat... spooky xkcd.com/616/
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2011 18:38:49 GMT
dark, offensive and inappropriate jokes are the best!
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Deleted
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2011 22:14:04 GMT
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2011 22:14:04 GMT
Just tried cleaning my room, now its covered in crack, semen and gin. Thats the last time I use Mr.Sheen
Comic relief is on tonight. Or as Madonna calls it 'The Adoption show'
I went to see a therapist recently. I told him about my obsessive compulsive disorder, severe depression, claustrophobia, insomnia, attention deficit disorder and agoraphobia. He said, "Have you ever considered suicide?" Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's some pretty bad advice.
I was suprised to see how bad dyslexia was when I browsed the 'Dyslexic's social forum'. Or facebook as some people call it.
Was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Jokes
Mar 19, 2011 22:18:16 GMT
Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2011 22:18:16 GMT
Phone my boss and said "whats the difference between this morning and your daughter?" "i dont know" he replied "i'm not coming in this morning"
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Jokes
Apr 20, 2011 14:50:00 GMT
Post by dizzydumpling on Apr 20, 2011 14:50:00 GMT
Janet Street-Porter walks into a bar & says, "Could I have a large aperatif?"
Barman says, "Not fu*king likely!"
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Aneurysm
Member's not posted much yet
Coz today I found my friends, they're in my head
Posts: 15
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Jokes
May 4, 2011 22:43:13 GMT
Post by Aneurysm on May 4, 2011 22:43:13 GMT
ADHDers can see all of their worldly possessions at one time... coz they are all over the floor.
The mind of a Pentium--with only 2 Megs of RAM
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Somebody who lays awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
In a copycat attempt of 9/11, the ADHD radical wing stole the Goodyear blimp and crashed it into Big Ben 3 times... Oww London Eye.
Not sure about this one tho but hey, not as topical as Japan jokes. Where do Jewish kids with ADHD go? Concentration camps.
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Aneurysm
Member's not posted much yet
Coz today I found my friends, they're in my head
Posts: 15
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Jokes
May 5, 2011 15:33:56 GMT
Post by Aneurysm on May 5, 2011 15:33:56 GMT
NT baby sadly dies of a cot death and floats up to heaven, where hes met at the gates by Saint Peter. "Ahhh" says St Peter, "what happened to you?" "Well St Peter" says the NT baby "I think I died of a cot death." Again St Peter says "ahhh thats really sad, I'll tell you what here's a pair of wings and you can be my very special little angel." "Oh thanks ever so much St Peter" says the NT baby.
Next night a baby with ADHD sadly dies of a cot death and floats up to heaven, where he's met at the gate by St Peter. "Ahhh" says St Peter "what happened to you?" " Well St Peter" says the ADHD baby, "its like this I think I died of a cot death." Again St Peter says "ahhh thats really sad, I'll tell you what here's a pair of wings and you can be a Gnat."
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Jokes
May 5, 2011 16:22:11 GMT
Post by phil on May 5, 2011 16:22:11 GMT
it is rumoured that the late jeremy beadle had a very small cock! but on the other hand it looked quite big! ^that one people crack up or just don't get it lol
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Deleted
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Jokes
May 8, 2011 20:50:34 GMT
Post by Deleted on May 8, 2011 20:50:34 GMT
yeh i really don't get it...
i also had to cover up the avatar just to be able to read it though.
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Jokes
May 9, 2011 12:44:58 GMT
Post by dizzydumpling on May 9, 2011 12:44:58 GMT
it is rumoured that the late jeremy beadle had a very small cock! but on the other hand it looked quite big! PMSL ;D
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Jokes
May 24, 2011 15:00:44 GMT
Post by Atticus on May 24, 2011 15:00:44 GMT
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Jokes
May 24, 2011 16:52:45 GMT
Post by goosey on May 24, 2011 16:52:45 GMT
Check this out....at 2.08mins....listen very careful !!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
May 25, 2011 22:52:09 GMT
Post by dizzydumpling on May 25, 2011 22:52:09 GMT
Haha - it's their reaction that's so funny - I love the way the woman manages to regain her composure & act all professional while the guys are all still pissing themselves! I can't help but feel sorry for the guy that farted though.......I find as I get older this happens more and more. I did it whilst browsing the shelves in Tescos the other day....don't know where it came from......I have this terror that within a couple of years I'm going to be like one of those old people (or a horse) that does a little fart with every step they take!
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Deleted
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Jokes
May 26, 2011 9:55:55 GMT
Post by Deleted on May 26, 2011 9:55:55 GMT
My gran went deaf in her later years and didn't realise that her tiny farts could be heard by everyone else - as time went on some of them weren't that tiny The whole family tried to keep up the pretense for her pride but it made visits into laugh fest as we tried to control the giggling - shoulders were going all over the place and people frequently had to visit the toilet to calm down. It was the kind of running gag that she would have loved herself which made it deliciously ironic.
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Jokes
May 26, 2011 16:14:33 GMT
Post by goosey on May 26, 2011 16:14:33 GMT
That's funny dizzy, I'd have wet myself laughing and had to eject myself from the store !! But I'd love to be there when you 'trot' round the supermarkets parping away ! haha
Hey PD, my gran let a few go in her later years....she was horrified....I was delighted !! It's a fun memory to have and one that always makes me smile ;D
As I 'mature' (cough) I am finding farts funnier and funnier....prob as supposed to be an adult and all responsible ! Ha...never !!!
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Jokes
May 26, 2011 22:30:44 GMT
Post by dizzydumpling on May 26, 2011 22:30:44 GMT
As I 'mature' (cough) I am finding farts funnier and funnier....prob as supposed to be an adult and all responsible ! Ha...never !!! Wow - I'll be able to keep you endlessly amused then! I love it when there's someone to laugh with at stuff.....like PD said - when the shoulders start going but you're desperately trying to keep a straight face. The most innapropriate time it ever happened to me was at my mum's funeral (insensitive cow that I am : One of my best friends had come along to give me support, and right near the end of mum's wacky 'service' (too crazy to explain - she chose it all in advance & she was a bit unconventional!), some woman I didn't know decided she needed to sing an impromptu song in honour of my mum................well it was fu**ing hilarious........she warbled like one of those warbling bird whistles you fill with water...about the sacred green woman (my mum) guiding her spirit etc. Well there were about 50 of us there alltogether, congregated in a big circle around the coffin in a village hall............and noone else seemed to find this funny!!!! Wtf was wrong with them? Seriously, I would defy any normal red blooded human not to laugh at the crazyness of the situation - I bet the coffin bearers were pissing themselves over their cigarettes outside ;D Anyway - let's just say that my friend & I had very wobbly shoulders - I was trying so hard not to explode that a little bit of drool escaped - which just made it funnier! Oh happy days PS - I'm not a callous bitch - honest! PPS - my mum would heve peed herself laughing too if she'd been alive to see/hear it (I just thought I'd better add that as a quick modification as I'm getting a bit paranoid that nobody'll speak to me ever again for being so hard-hearted) It was like an episode of Six Feet Under! *cough* I'll get me coat
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Jokes
May 28, 2011 14:32:59 GMT
Post by andy12345 on May 28, 2011 14:32:59 GMT
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Deleted
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Jokes
Nov 2, 2011 13:05:11 GMT
Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2011 13:05:11 GMT
Ha ha am loving the ADHD jokes. Especially any regarding lightbulbs. Currently there is only one room in my flat that has a working lightbulb. i just have this little desklamp that I have to carry from room to room and plug in so I can see what I'm doing. When the bulb in that one goes, I'm f**ked.
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Deleted
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Jokes
Nov 30, 2011 15:29:50 GMT
Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2011 15:29:50 GMT
A Banker, a School Teacher, a Tory MP and a Daily Mail reader are sat around a table. In front of them is a plate, on which there are ten biscuits. The Banker scoffs nine of the biscuits, then the Tory turns to the Daily Mail reader and whispers in his ear "watch out, that teacher is after your biscuit"
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Deleted
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Jokes
May 29, 2012 15:03:33 GMT
Post by Deleted on May 29, 2012 15:03:33 GMT
My racing snail is not winning races any more so I decided to take his shell off to reduce weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
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hopeful
Member posts quite a bit
Posts: 113
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Jokes
May 29, 2012 19:03:50 GMT
Post by hopeful on May 29, 2012 19:03:50 GMT
I'm Joseph Frizl And no windows was my idea. I'll get my coat Apple fanboy.
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daisypink
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 39
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Jokes
Jul 26, 2012 14:13:16 GMT
Post by daisypink on Jul 26, 2012 14:13:16 GMT
A Max Miller joke from 1936, courtesy of Paul Merton:
Husband 'Apparently that milkman of ours has made love to every single woman in the street bar one'.
Wife 'I bet it's that bl%%dy stuck up cow at number 54....'
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Jul 28, 2012 0:14:01 GMT
Post by cdsinuk on Jul 28, 2012 0:14:01 GMT
two guys at the bar drinking, one says to the other ...its my wifes birthday, the other one says thats funny its my wifes birthday too, what did you get your wife, i got her a new car, wow said the other guy, so what did you get your wife, ...he says a cardigan and a vibrator, two presents says the other guy ? yep if she dont like the cardigan she can go Fxxxk HERSELF
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Jokes
Jul 28, 2012 0:17:08 GMT
Post by cdsinuk on Jul 28, 2012 0:17:08 GMT
LONDON LAWYER VS GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Jokes
Sept 6, 2012 16:13:35 GMT
Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2012 16:13:35 GMT
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!” I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change." When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
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