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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2008 21:07:49 GMT
:'(My son is 16, refuses to do anything and manipulates the life out of me, he left home this week, then came back, but tonite i realised it had to stop and refused him a cigarette on the principle he needs to make his own money in order to buy his owm, he went mental and called me a uselewss mother told me i was a failure and i shud get a job ( im disabled) told my girls that i wud cause them to fail, then said i wasnt his mother and called me a slag, all that and i was ready to kiss him goodbye, but then he came back a lil while later and cried tellin me no one loved him and asked me why i never loved him, now i feel like crap, i know his failures are down to my failins as a parent but i dont need to put up wiv abuse by someone whos arse i once wiped, but at the same time i find myself weepin for his lost childhood and i cant help but feel sorry for him out there somewhere on his own, i jus cant cope wiv the abuse anymore i wont b taken for granted any longer and i know if i go throu all this and then take him back hel learn nothing, but at same time hes only 16, but surely i dont have to put up wiv abuse, i didnt wiv his father why shud i wiv him? I want a stress free home i dont want to fight anymore, to be honest i dont want to live wiv him anymore, but that makes me a bad parent doesnt it, but hes put me through shite fot 9 years now, im tired, why shud i live in fear, but he wont abide by the rules i have allsorts usin this place like a youth club and no one but me pays the rent, i dont even get income for him anymore not even child benefit, but aside from all that isnt it time he learnt that tough love thing, if u cant live by the rules of the house u cant live in the house, i feel like crap and i cant handle him anymore, my blood preasure is dangerously high and im constantly tewrrified im goin to have another stroke, how do i handle this? I want him to succeed but if hes here hes gettin a free ride, he refuses to go college or get a job ( or even look 4 one) sells and smokes weed sleeps til 6 pm and screams abuse at us if we wake him b4 im startin to hate him, he even wished me dead tonight, actually scratch that i fukkin hate him but wish i dint
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Post by annie on Oct 13, 2008 7:04:10 GMT
Hi there Asha
Just want to say stop beating yourself up about being a "so called" bad mother. Our children at that age know exactly what buttons to press and will do so frequently!! Underneath all this he knows what he is doing is unacceptable but can only deal with his pain and frustration by blaming others and who better to blame than his good old Mum - he knows at the end of the day you're the only one who will be there for him when everyone else gives up.
I don't know much about your son but I do know you are waiting for a referral to the Maudsley - any news on that front? Has your son been dx or do you suspect him of having adhd?
I can understand how low you must feel at this point, believe me I've been there. However you're right, you do have to establish some control over the situation - he cannot just come and go as he pleases.
Why don't you get in touch with Connexions in your area, to find out what help they can give. OK your son may not buy into it at this moment in time but perhaps when he is having a more "amenable" moment you will have information about the opportunities open to him. Also get on to the Job Centre to see, what if any, benefits he might be entitled to. At least in this way you'll feel and will, be doing something pro actively.
Yesterday was my son's 21st and if you'd said to me 4 yrs ago that he would be living independently (well almost!) completing a Foundation Degree and planning to go to University, I would never have believed you.
Getting through these years is taxing for any parent. However a parent bringing up a teenager with untreated adhd has a mammoth task and should be given serious congratulations, for hanging in there!!
Let's know how you get on
annie
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2008 16:23:51 GMT
Daniel was diagnosed wiv it aged 11, he refuses meds instead optin for self medcation wiv weed, connection are already in contact wiv him but he misses appointments and generally cant b bothered and if he cant i cant and i wudnt b surprised if they cant either, althou now he has yto get his act together as he needs someone so as he cant get things sorted, go to social security or somink, coz he needs to get money, im too tired, he jus comes in here shoutin the odss all the time and im fed up wiv it.
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Post by annie on Oct 13, 2008 18:21:21 GMT
Sorry Asha
I might have guessed you would have done all the things I suggested - that's what mothers do!! Your right he has to find his own level and whilst he's doing that you'll worry like hell
I don't really feel I can give you advice 'cos I'm sure you've tried all the obvious ones. Maybe the only thing you can do is try and stay firm about what you're willing to accept, in terms of behaviour, within your own home. You are entitled to have your home run the way you want it to be and not be dictacted by a 16yr old, who doesn't know his own mind.
I know I am not in your shoes but remember you do know what is acceptable behaviour for your child. Don't let him dictate to you - he will thank you later and stay determined to be firm with him.
Any news of your own referral to the Maudsley?
annie
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2008 6:53:41 GMT
Nope no news at all am left wondering how long i shud leave it b4 follown it up, i know that dr said she would look into it but that was on the 8th and i aint heard anything back, althou my phones not on, that is, it is on, but no one knows wat the number is, i changed it then lost it and have bin unable to get it - long story- but surely i wud have heard by letter by now, i'm a bit concerned but then i file it in things to worry about next week and its forgotten Daniel is bein half reasonavle a the mo which makes things difficult, we got social worker comin this mornin im tryin to get him into a hostel or sommink coz if he has to work to eat? thatl b the only way, then i feel bad, then i feel hey, parental love is the only love where ultimate goal must b seperation, but still feel bad buut slowly gettin there and as long aswe all live together we have good days and bad, so much like anyone else i guess (cept our bad days r catastrophically bad and generally coz ive forgot to do something they've forgot also, I'm goin to ask the social worker wat help he can provide for an ADDer bringing up family of ADDer's but we'll see!!!
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Post by annie on Oct 20, 2008 20:41:02 GMT
Glad your son is in a more reasonable frame of mine. Perhaps it would be best if he moved out for a while - at least it would give you a break to recharge your batteries. Maybe if you had a bit more space you could think about what kind of behaviour, from him, is totally unacceptable so that, if and when he comes back, you can set up some very firm boundaries.
When you say your Gp was going to "follow it up" did you mean she was going to find out how much longer you were going to have to wait for your Maudsley referral to come through? If that's the case she must have the answer by now so I would give her another ring. Hope it's not too long before it materialises.
annie
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2008 6:07:00 GMT
I have come to the realisation that im afraid of my son, not that he will intentionally hurt me but of his behaviour im scared every time i talk to him of his reaction, he attacked my boyfriend this weekend and my boyfriends reaction jus made him feel justified, im sick of his demands of livin like a terrorist victim of livin in fear, a social workers comin this week was sposed to be hhere yesterday but cancelled til today im goin to tell him my worries and see if they can find dan somewhere, i love my son but i got out of abusive relationships before, its one thing to get away from a man that acts like that quiteanother wen its yr own child thou, but i hate livin wiv him and the emotional abuse is too much for me to handle and has driven me close to suicide twice and thas jus this week! i cant go on like this anymore!
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Post by annie on Oct 22, 2008 6:41:26 GMT
I'm sure you know your son better than anyone else and what he is capable of doing. You're right about him not intentionally hurting you, however his adhd is not being treated and he is just operating on such a short fuse that it's more than likely you will be the one on the receiving end of his violence, both physical and emotional.
It certainly doesn't help you to have this continue and it certainly doesn't help him. You have to be able to draw some boundaries around yourself - no-one should have to put up with this behaviour. When the social worker comes you have to lay it on the line. Let them know about your fears for your safety and insist they find him a placement.
You're not throwing him out - you're letting him know his behaviour has become so serious that it is impossible for him to remain at home until things change. You're not only mother to your son but mother to your other children as well. At the moment your son is so self absorbed he cannot consider the effect he is having on the rest of the family, so you have to.
I do know how difficult this is all going to be - we mothers don't need others to blame us - we do a very good job at doing this ourselves!! However asha, you owe it to yourself to take action and I for one can understand why your doing it.
annie
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2008 10:42:38 GMT
Social woker came and it was a family history thing, which meant they were not even goin to look at issues affacting us today, but I did reitterate the violence and u know wat, as if on cue chloe and daniel had an altercation right in front of him, although a extreme dialuted version and i made that clear to the social worker, but it was good for him to see how petty the arguements are and how difficult to resolve an arguement wen both are actin totally irrationally and behaving badly. Actually on a totally inappropriate note social worker is damn hot LOL, but i contained myself and managed to hold in any inapropriate comments, but he seems very nice and hopefully they'll really help out, i am jus so pleased the kids acted up in front of him, Daniel was exceptionally aggressive and intimidated threatening to kill his sister, right there, right in front of the social worker! I couldn't have planned it better myself!!!!
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