kreate
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Post by kreate on Jul 27, 2011 4:40:39 GMT
What part of attention deficit does my friend not get? On my birthday my friend accused me of not listening to him in front of my other friends, made me feel really bad and stupid, so i turned it around and said really s l o w e l y, 'what part of attention deficit do you not get' ? when he replied its simplt an excuse, i felt so upset and infuriated, he then said oh your always using your adhd as an excuse, you always used to get on with it before you got that label, stop saying that label. My other friends just sat there, i wanted to run out the room, i know my mate was tired but i cant take his criticism anymore, no one seems to understand or believe adhd. I love my friend dearly, i have already lost one other best mate due to him making me feel shit when ever i had been in his company, he had an unfounded air of superiorority. What should i do?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2011 9:43:31 GMT
Have you changed?
Would you have confronted your 'friend' before diagnosis?
If not then that's the difference and the relationship hasn't grown to accommodate that.
Diagnosis changes you in that now you have arguments (a label) to explain what is going on with you even though you haven't fundamentally changed.
Your world has to adjust around you as you explore your new state of being - it's possible that not everything is still going to fit, including people.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2011 12:12:34 GMT
not being funny, but that person doesn't sound like much of a friend.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2011 20:34:07 GMT
I've had really mixed reactions from people when I told them about my adhd.
The least understanding person was my 'best' friend. I don't need people bringing me down, so unless her attitude changes, I'm quite happy not to see her.
The best response I got was from my boss. One thing he said to me was 'why would people understand?' He wasn't being mean when he said this, he was just pointing out that no one ever knows what it's like to be someone else. This made me think about how to tell people in a way that they would get, and I've had more positive reactions since then.
I agree with planetdave and kameelan. Personally, if a friend makes me feel bad about myself (as opposed to just angry/sad after an argument) then they are not really a friend. But it's up to you whether you want to try and make a relationship work.
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Post by dizzedumpling on Jul 27, 2011 23:23:47 GMT
Hi kreate I don't have a dx, but I know the problems I have with stuff are due to something that's within me and has always been there, regardless of whatever (if anything) the 'experts' decide to label me with when I'm assessed. Thanks to the courage I've gained from visiting this forum - and also thanks to my son whose autism has taught me loads, I've started challenging people who give me grief, saying quite calmly, "This is who I am; I try my best at everything I do & I don't piss anyone off on purpose, but if you can't deal with the fact that I find certain things complicated & don't absorb stuff the same way you do, then perhaps we shouldn't be spending time together cos it's not likely to change any time soon - and by the way, you're not perfect but I try not to dwell on your imperfections out loud cos it's bloody rude!" To be honest I've only had to say it that blatantly to 3 people - but one of them was my best friend of about 25 years, who's been shitty with me a lot over the years for my forgetfulness etc. Having said that, by expecting them to be more open-minded about my annoying traits, it's also made me realise that they can't help the way they are either and I now think of them as having a kind of understanding deficit that I need to have patience with. It's calmed me down quite a lot and I don't seem to find myself snapping at people and then regretting it half as much as I used to. I'm at the point with my best friend now where I'm learning to accept that she'll always be an impatient twat who's incapable of really understanding other peoples' perspectives, and she's slowly getting her head around the fact that I will always be late and forget stuff so she'll have to just lump it! If the friend's worth keeping, it may be worth trying to explain things a few times to see if it sinks in, but if they're still going to be rude and insensitive when you've gone to that effort then I'd probably say fuck 'em - you've done all you can do. x
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kreate
Member posts quite a bit
Posts: 190
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Post by kreate on Jul 28, 2011 0:04:41 GMT
Awwwe thanks guys, thats really helpful stuff, bless yers! I will see if it continues, then rethink the friendship
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2011 13:48:54 GMT
no-one will ever understand unless they have it. simple as.
how do you even go about explaining it to people?
i gave up.
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Post by redneck on Jul 28, 2011 13:53:21 GMT
The thing is, once you have told people about it, if they just can't be arsed to even google it .. then were they worth having as a friend in the first place? I mean if they are a long-time friend they MUST have noticed that we are not the same as them??? So why then go all weird when they are finally told the reason why? RR
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kreate
Member posts quite a bit
Posts: 190
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Post by kreate on Jul 28, 2011 20:43:46 GMT
maybe its too complicated for people to understand badwool lol. Its like ADHD is a sware word redneck, bad press hasnt helped. Maybe we need to approach the media in our masses!!
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Post by andy12345 on Aug 12, 2011 14:34:57 GMT
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Post by insomniacdreams on Aug 17, 2011 15:16:18 GMT
... made me feel really bad and stupid, so i turned it around and said really s l o w e l y, 'what part of attention deficit do you not get' ? ... I can't even count how many times I thought or said those words to others. But recently I have had another thought about it. When I was first 'lurking' here and reading post I could see that many here may have the same thought as me, but just don't realise it. How many here have known or figured they had ADHD(I) for a long time, but still ask something like.. 'why do I do this'.. or 'why do I keep doing this?' Even the so called medical profession cannot seem to agree on ADHD. The diagnoses criteria has had things added and removed, professionals either 'believe' in it or they don't. If individuals with ADHD(I) and the medical profession don't completely 'get it', then how are individuals on the outside supposed to 'get it'? I am not saying that gives them the right to be an asshat. Maybe by better educating ourselves and understanding why we do the things we do, or don't do, we can help the ones on the outside to understand us better. If they really want to understand that is. maybe its too complicated for people to understand badwool lol. Don't you think it is complicated? I have had my DX for years now and I am still trying to understand it. Its like ADHD is a sware word redneck, bad press hasnt helped. Maybe we need to approach the media in our masses!! I agree. But how would you or anyone organise a mass approach of the media by individuals with ADHD?
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Post by dizzydumpling on Aug 18, 2011 15:55:14 GMT
How many here have known or figured they had ADHD(I) for a long time, but still ask something like.. 'why do I do this'.. or 'why do I keep doing this?' I still regularly shout the words ‘stupid woman!’ at myself – as well as doing that apologetic ‘oh I’m so dopey, silly me’ thing when people I don’t know so well are getting pissed off with me Even the so called medical profession cannot seem to agree on ADHD. The diagnoses criteria has had things added and removed, professionals either 'believe' in it or they don't. If individuals with ADHD(I) and the medical profession don't completely 'get it', then how are individuals on the outside supposed to 'get it'? Quite! Most people look to the ‘expertise’ of the medical profession for answers and if there’s so much disagreement among them, how can we hope for individuals with no particular stake in this debate to jump on board with the ADDers! Tbh (and call me a pessimist), I can’t imagine that the public at large will ever give credence to the explanations of an apparently random smattering of individuals who can’t even agree what’s what amongst themselves (see the hyperfocus thread ;D) and who they all find slightly annoying anyway! It’s much easier for most of them to get on with things as they are , blaming us every time we don’t quite match up to their expectations and having the odd laugh at our expense. To be fair though, people with ADHD are only one small sector of society and I’m sure there are millions with other hidden conditions etc (deafness, partial sightedness, various mental health issues, chronic fatigue syndrome etc etc ) who are equally desperate for understanding and we can’t expect everyone to understand all of them – it’s only when it affects you in some way that you find the time to look into these things isn’t it! Its like ADHD is a sware word redneck, bad press hasnt helped. Maybe we need to approach the media in our masses!! I agree. But how would you or anyone organise a mass approach of the media by individuals with ADHD? We’d all forget to turn up or arrive on the wrong day ;D Again – call me a pessimist – and a sceptic too if you like (I can take it )– but in general the official stance of the mass media goes hand-in-hand with current policy – which is at least in part dictated by the drug companies etc. There may be some difference of opinion between say the Guardian & the Mail, but the outcome always seems to be the same. Any attempt to raise awareness of marginalised groups usually ends up making them look like either objects of pity or a bunch of crazies anyway Happy happy joy joy ;D
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