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Post by mizmog on Sept 3, 2011 8:48:28 GMT
I am ranting again sorry folks!! Had a row with hubby last night, nothing major he was highly stressed, new higher position in his job with much more pressure... After a stressy day at work myself, got home to find him still working with no thought for the kids... No thought for tea etc... So I asked him what he wanted as it was nearly 7pm! He completely bit my head off and launched into a row about how I don't understand my behavior and obviously it's the ADHD/asd .... Since being on meds I am very aware of what I do and as I new he was stressed was very calm towards him... But he continued to shout down at me saying I don't understand 'normal' ppl....
I was only diagnosed last year and until then he never thought I was less of a person than him... But since diagnoses, whenever he has a problem he blames my ADHD!
We r still not talking as I am so hurt that he can keep throwing this at me... I hv a good job but according to him, i am too special needs to be doing anything important... He forgets I hv an IQ of 139 and treats me like an idiot!!!
Sorry it's just a rant as I suppose everyone gets this ... But would like some ideas on what to do next?
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Post by phil on Sept 3, 2011 10:45:48 GMT
beat him mogz ;D i don't get this post. you are moaning that you're hubby is being a t*** and saying you're too special needs ect, but then you are also minimizing things saying it's because of his work stress? he is belittling you saying that he is more important than you are, you are special needs worthless. the new job and work stress my have gone to his head but there is no need to make you feel infearior to him. unless you stamp hard on this things won't get better. and believe it or not what you're overstressed husband is doing is domestic abuse! www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Power%20and%20Control%20Wheel.htm
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Post by mizmog on Sept 3, 2011 13:18:32 GMT
Lol thanks Phil but beating is too good!! Actually I feel a little bit guilty now cos I didn't take any meds sooooo.....
I went into unhinged coyote mode and told him very calmly that I don't hv a screw loose and if he doesn't climb down off his high horse I am gonna revert to super bitch and won't care what destruction I cause!!
His face was a picture! He soon backed down and then said he had missed that side of me!!! To think I only started the meds to tame the wild animal! Lol
Thanks for the advice though and I am sure this will come up again ... That is unless I bin the meds and then all hell will brake loose!!
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Post by Mouse on Sept 3, 2011 13:38:51 GMT
Rant away! When he says you don't understand your behaviour I suspect he means 'he can't get his head around it' - certainly sounds like he is taking cheap shots at an easy target. Maybe he is not just extra stressed with responsibility but perhaps someone is having a dig or a crit or a go at him, in his workplace. If he has just taken on a higher position then his bosses will be watching his every move in some detail to see how he is managing his new job. Perhaps he is being belittled and rather in the manner that a bully will pick on someone he perceives as more vulnerable than themself, he is passing it on. You on the other hand are not, to his way of thinking, having to deal with anything more stressfull than usual and are expecting him to be thinking of his children too? Which to his stressed brain probably feels like the last straw. I am not making excuses for him just thinking of ways in which the male brain can work! I am not saying that his new job or being overstressed is any excuse for what he is doing. As for treating you differently since dx again that is not excusable but it might be understandable. But then confusingly for him/you... you aren't necessarily vulnerable but are sensitive to his response to your diagnosis. You mention your high IQ - perhaps he is keenly aware of, and threatened by, the fact that you are a capable and intelligent person and not only that, that you are dealing with adhd/asd. So, might he be putting you down because to his mind you are not now equals but you are actually an even greater force to be reckoned with. And also so capable that in his mind it is not really reasonable for you to be asking him to be thinking of the children. If he wasn't like this before the dx then maybe your dx has had a greater impact on him than on you.
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Post by Mouse on Sept 3, 2011 13:55:43 GMT
As for being treated differently... to much less important degree I can sympathise. A work colleague cut the headline dates off of all my working paperwork last week because I got confused once (just once) and in her hearing quoted a wrong date during a phone call to a colleague. She immediately, grabbed a pair of scissors and proceeded to cut the top of the pages off... so I wouldn't get confused.
I nearly asked her if she'd cut my dinner up for me too!!!!!!
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Post by Mouse on Sept 3, 2011 13:59:57 GMT
And another rankle moment was felt when a colleague expressed genuine surprise that I'd got a degree. I much enjoyed replying 'yes, and not just the one degree either - it's my hobby - obtaining degrees'.
the other part of this post seems not to have printed on screen..
(added sotto voco.. 'you can buy them very cheaply'
then added in my head 'like you probably bought yours)
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Post by kakema on Sept 3, 2011 14:18:51 GMT
Your hubby sure he's 'normal', Mog? What you described was how I behave, sometimes, hyperfocus-tactic as I am - and it's my NT other half who comes home and asks me (usually politely, to avoid riling the beast) what I was thinking!
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Post by mizmog on Sept 3, 2011 14:45:12 GMT
Mouse I had never actually thought of it that way... I did meet him as a single mum, house car life sorted, (What he hadn't seen was the stuff I had been through to get there) so maybe me dealing with everything and a stressful job might be making him feel like he is surplus to requirements or something .... Thank u for that food for thought! And as for your colleague, u should hv asked for the scissors back and then for glue and crayons!! Lol I did that once, someone sarcastically said oh I won't talk to u cos u can only do one thing at a time so I replied shhh I am counting the red crayons.... Boss didn't laugh but I did he he
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Post by redneck on Sept 3, 2011 19:09:18 GMT
came to reply and see Shiny put exactly what I was thinking!!!!! RR
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2011 21:39:20 GMT
You think you're a genius because you have an IQ of 139?
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Post by Mouse on Sept 4, 2011 21:45:51 GMT
You think you're a genius because you have an IQ of 139? Who said anything about being a genius? Not sure what point you are making.
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Post by kakema on Sept 4, 2011 22:35:04 GMT
You think you're a genius because you have an IQ of 139? ?? That sounds a bit confrontational - was it intended to be?
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Post by Mouse on Sept 4, 2011 23:37:12 GMT
Can I just add my apologies if my comment sounded a bit arsy (I really didn't understand but could have worded it better).
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Post by mizmog on Sept 5, 2011 0:00:45 GMT
Skapel?? I don't understand ur point either I am afraid....
Mouse I totally appreciated ur comments... It really made me think from another point of view... Think it might just hv made a difference as we hv both been a lot nicer to each other since and I hv kept in mind that he may feel undermined and it's working.... So far lol so thank you both x
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Post by redneck on Sept 5, 2011 17:08:53 GMT
So anyway miz I now understand it was you who called yourself a retard not your o/h. Maybe a bit like me oversensitive and not really stopping to think how other people feel? But yeh I think Mouse says what I thought and that person skalpel .. he sounds a bit like somebody i don't really wanna talk to .. maybe he has a low iq and has a bit of a chip on his shoulder? Im happy to read that you are being nicer to each other. It's hard I know RR ps Plus you know I sometimes can't read the whole of a post and sometimes read so much and get the wrong end of the stick and then I wish I had persevered and read the whole thing and then I wouldnty look so stupid
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kreate
Member posts quite a bit
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Post by kreate on Sept 6, 2011 17:43:58 GMT
Hey guys, lets not use this R***** word please, its offensive to people with Learning Disabilities, ta.
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Post by mizmog on Sept 6, 2011 18:05:40 GMT
Kreate of course u r completely right.. In hind sight, it was a completely insensitive thing to say with very little thought due to my over reactive bad mood !!
I sincerely apologize to everyone as it's no better than any other any other racist or discriminative remark SJ x
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Post by Mouse on Sept 6, 2011 18:17:14 GMT
It happens - mainly when we are using words to apply to ourselves - we completely forget the wider context - so, there but for the grace of the higher beings go I (well, I have had my own moment on another forum as recently posted!).
Also loads of us read the post and obviously never really thought about the word, or, if anyone did, they never thought to PM you, or do anything about it, until Kreate raised the matter.
I was thinking that we could all go in and change the wording in our posts, including the title line, not just the bit 'what we writ'.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2011 19:25:57 GMT
hmm im sorry if i sounded confrontational.......wasn't in the best of moods.
What i meant was you can't gauge your "intelligence" by an IQ test. intelligence is much more complicated than just a simple IQ test.
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Post by mavster on Sept 8, 2011 18:36:26 GMT
Hey guys, lets not use this R***** word please, its offensive to people with Learning Disabilities, ta. No it isn't . Its usually found offensive by lentil munchers on others behalf
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Post by dizzydumpling on Sept 11, 2011 0:47:18 GMT
Hey guys, lets not use this R***** word please, its offensive to people with Learning Disabilities, ta. No it isn't . Its usually found offensive by lentil munchers on others behalf Not entirely true - I used to work with a guy with severe learning dis who had spent many years in hideous institutions where the staff routinely called him 'retard'. When I worked with him he lived in a supported living scheme, and was one day prescribed a sustained release medication for his heart condition called something-or-other retard (obviously it wasn't actually called something-or-other as that would just be silly, but I can't remember what drug it was) Anyway, all I was going to say was that it really upset him as he thought he'd been prescribed this because he was a retard - and that's actually very sad! Anyway, IMHO, it's not words that hurt people so much as the intention behind the words - but where words have been used cruelly before, I guess the same might trigger upset again - that's why we don't use the 'N' word anymore isn't it! But I'm sure no one would have taken your use of language personally mizmog. I would never call someone else a retard now since working with that guy, but I call myself a 'social retard' all the time. (Because I am.) By the way, as an idiot, I am deeply offended by the new name of this thread
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Post by mizmog on Sept 11, 2011 7:56:31 GMT
Ha ha ha.... Dizzy u make me smile!!
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Post by mavster on Sept 11, 2011 18:06:00 GMT
the whole thing with adhd is that we are usually emotionally retarded . I am surprised that someone with severe learning disabilaties would know what the word actually meant than something bad because thats what others told him . My sister is quite advanced for downs and wouldn't have a clue . The best way to defuse a word is to use it in every day use . Like the way black people call each other n*gg*r in every day use now look at snoop dog for example
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Post by kakema on Sept 11, 2011 20:14:23 GMT
a sustained release medication for his heart condition called something-or-other retard (obviously it wasn't actually called something-or-other as that would just be silly, but I can't remember what drug it was) My nana used to get a drug called Voltarol Retard for her arthritis...not sure if they still call it that. As for the rest....while I agree that intent is important, and I get that some people think it's OK to call each other names, just like I don't take offence when Goosey calls me a biatch...I don't think I'm brave enough (or have a saintly enough reputation to get away with) trying to lead a normalisation programme for words like retard by repeating them in a light-hearted, 'no offence' sort of way with my fellow sufferers of mental illness. Nor, frankly, can I see any point in trying to. There are plenty other words around.
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Post by dizzydumpling on Sept 13, 2011 20:46:11 GMT
I agree with what you’re saying shiny – I would hate to cause anyone else to be upset or offended because of my own careless use of words. However, in the true meaning of the word, my social development is retarded, and sometimes a flippant approach is necessary in order to deal with the reality of what this actually means for me! If I can’t laugh about the difficulties I have, there’s a danger of crying instead. That doesn’t mean that I’m advocating a crusade to reclaim a bunch of words that vast numbers of people would feel upset or offended by, but it does mean that I might sometimes use un-PC words in relation to myself or in an ironic way amongst people who‘ll understand what I mean. One of my only other forays into the world of forums ended with my getting into a debate with a bunch of people who couldn’t understand the insidious ‘normalising’ nature of offensive humour in reinforcing prejudice and hatred. I understood that they were unable to see my point of view probably due to cultural/social/educational differences etc – and they called me something to the effect of ‘lentil munching liberal’ or whatever it was......which is fine with me as I love lentils and am pretty damn liberal However, the fact of the matter was that I could understand why they didn’t see my point of view, and believe that they were in no way deliberately reinforcing prejudice by posting their original jokes (like people who say, 'some of my best friends are pakis'), but I still maintained that this is what their use of humour was doing – and that was all I wanted to point out. Just because I thought they were mistaken in their attitude to something, didn’t mean I had a problem chatting with them about other stuff – but they didn’t want to chat to me after this. (so f*** 'em! ;D) . I am surprised that someone with severe learning disabilaties would know what the word actually meant than something bad because thats what others told him . My sister is quite advanced for downs and wouldn't have a clue . The best way to defuse a word is to use it in every day use . Like the way black people call each other n*gg*r in every day use now look at snoop dog for example The guy in question probably didn’t know what the word technically meant – that’s kind of the point! He just knew it as an insult that had been applied to him– a word that differentiated him from other people. As such, he felt that he was being prescribed a different type of medication from that which other people would be prescribed. Also it was probably a word that would have had frightening connotations for him as he had been abused by his so-called carers in the past. Re. Snoop Dog – I used to love Doggystyle (It's an album you filfthy-minded buggers! ) and played it to death when I was younger. But then, as I got older, I started to read a bit of psychology, sociology, politics etc etc.....and then I realised just how damaging the attitudes portrayed on an album like that are for women. I never questioned the Doug E Fresh original of La Di Da Di as a teenager (in fact I thought it was genius), anymore than I questioned Snoop Dogg’s cover of it on Doggystyle in my 20s, but now I’ve a broader understanding of things, I can recognise how it’s perpetuating sexist attitudes and undermines women. It doesn’t mean I don’t still enjoy listening to it sometimes – I can still enjoy the music – but I wouldn’t be encouraging my son to listen to it without a social commentary to accompany it! I can’t really comment on race issues as I know little about it, but If Snoop Dogg is being held up as an example of what it is to be a black American, I wouldn’t say he’s doing them many favours as I’m sure there must be plenty of black Americans who don’t advocate sexism, drug use and rampant materialism! Now if you’ll excuse me my lentils are going cold, and I’ll be late for my PC Brigade meeting if I don’t get a budge on!
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Post by mizmog on Sept 14, 2011 20:32:21 GMT
just a little foot note - sorry to hv caused such a debate, I still maintain my use of the word in question was insensitive
However I hv just been on my sisters facebook (who i hv not spoken to for 6 yrs) to see how her little one is getting on, and was confronted with a conversation between her and my other sister calling me an 'attention seeker' (serves me right for looking)
once again proving the naivety - it was a name i came to know well from my parents and has continued down the line from parent to child to term misunderstood ADHD
I suppose its no different from using the word Retard
Offensive Slang 1. Used as a disparaging term for a mentally retarded person. 2. A person considered to be foolish or socially inept.
... aimed at someone else its very hurtful indeed, but aimed at ones self in a descriptive context if it is believed others are implying the person to be foolish or socially inept, is freedom of speech?
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Post by dizzydumpling on Sept 15, 2011 12:16:47 GMT
Tell ‘em the only attention that your seeking is your own, but you seem to have misplaced it! This is kind of what I mean by it being the intention behind the words. In this particular instance, the seemingly innocuous phrase ‘attention seeker’ cuts like a knife. As though seeking attention is some kind of crime anyway ! A lot of people are accused of attention seeking for a variety of reasons, but in general, if their behaviour could be described as attention seeking, I’d say there’s probably something going on that either requires or deserves attention – whether it’s ADHD, ASD, mental distress or genius! And Mizmog –don’t be apologising for causing debate – it’s when people stop debating you need to worry! Anyway, this wasn’t so much a debate as Dizzy once again becoming a one-woman thread-killing machine by donning her megaphone & climbing astride her high horse! Really, take no notice – whenever I do this, I end up looking at my own posts a couple of days later and thinking ‘what a twat’! (Sorry if I've offended any twats here ;D) I love a bit of a moral dilemma, but perhaps I should just keep my internal battles between Mrs Ernest & little Miss Flippant to myself. I just find it hard to stop them leaking out sometimes - sorry! x
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Post by mizmog on Sept 15, 2011 16:57:34 GMT
Dizzy as a 'twat' i am offended!!! ;D You are right, Debate is healthy..think i was having a bad moment (feeling sorry for myself! ) I enjoy reading your posts, and the bit about 'attention seeking' is so true and as for posting then re-reading, I try not too as I might actually realise how stupid they sound (see above title thread ;D ) SJ x
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