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Post by redneck on Sept 26, 2011 18:56:07 GMT
Does anybody else have problems with ppl misunderstanding them? It makes me feel so miserable .. I try my hardest to be friendly and empathetc and still all I get is ppl not understanding where Im coming from and get accused of all sorts It's hard when you are already struggling with life and then ppl you think would understand where you are coming from just misunderstand you aswell!!!!!!!!!! Where can you go to find ppl to actually understand wher you are coming from cos I dont know RR
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Post by kakema on Sept 26, 2011 19:07:42 GMT
I've certainly found that I'm not always as clear in writing as I thought I was! I'm too quick to press 'send', and when I look back sometimes, I cringe because I can see, too late, that I've probably come across all wrong...
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2011 19:31:21 GMT
It happens to me quite often too.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2011 21:01:18 GMT
i come across rude when i don't mean to be sometimes. well i think i do/
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Post by random on Sept 27, 2011 2:12:50 GMT
Me too. In writing I either hit send too quickly or I never send. Might be better of sending more from a better keyboard.
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Post by andy12345 lazyass on Sept 27, 2011 13:40:44 GMT
totally, my message is easliy lost in the details.
If you have 2 people that can't get their point across properly it's usually results in a mini nuke in their locale.
I'm better in writing though...... far less reactivity.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2011 14:11:16 GMT
When me and my brother are together it is a nightmare. We are both pretty good at the old DIY (both useless at the getting them finished). I'm a qualified electrician (though don't do it as a job), and he used to fit windows for a living. If we do a job together it normally ends with one of us storming off in a huff. Most of the time we have been trying to work out the best way of doing something, have the same idea, but can't seem to get our points across. Once we didn't speak to each other for two months, even though we agreed on the best approach. We just weren't listening to each other, and spent too long trying to explain a simple concept using a multitude of different analogies. We were too busy trying to speak, and butting in, to realise that we were talking about the same idea. He is not diagnosed but shows significant symptoms.
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Post by twix on Sept 27, 2011 15:30:00 GMT
I think that people with ADHD together is one of those extreme things, often swings from fantastic fun to falling out over nothing and back again in no time cause we are all prone to both misunderstanding others and being misunderstood ourselves, and prone to emotional lability (ups and downs and so on)
The best approach I have found is to focus on the good and try not to let the other get to you, but that's easy to say.
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Post by dizzydumpling on Sept 27, 2011 22:00:11 GMT
Totally totally totally! I have absolutely no idea how I am being perceived by people either in real life or online and although I've been reassured by a couple of kind people that I'm usually well-mannered and inoffensive on here, I know I can come across as stuck-up and arrogant if I'm not careful, or conversely, as grovelly and whiney as I'm trying desperately not to sound cocky and arrogant! I try very hard not to worry about it as I now know there's a reason why I can't seem to gauge these things, but it is easier said than done! In general I trust that here on this forum most people will be tolerant of slip-ups and just accept that I am who I am and they are who they are, as we're all a bit wonky , but I still sometimes find myself pretending to be someone I'm not without even realising I'm doing it. The other day I wrote a letter to my son's teacher about his homework, and I asked my o/h to look it over and check it was appropriate. He read it and said it sounded really confrontational which hadn't occured to me at all - I only wanted him to check that I'd got all my points accross, but found myself having to completely revise it so as to avoid coming across as an aggressive parent! Another annoying thing in the real world is the amount of people (usually guys - I don't know why) who say things like "cheer up love, it might never happen", when I'm perfectly happy (or was until they said that!) Also in my teenage years I used to get accused of giving other girls dirty looks all the time too & got beaten up/punched a few times for it Now I grin at everyone in the hope that I might appear friendly, but I suspect it might just look like a creepy leer! I do find that there are certain people who are just ok communication-wise though who I just 'click' with. These are the people it feels 'natural' to talk to and I don't end up in that sort of stilted conversation where I talk just as they start to talk then have uncomfortable silences that I punctuate with involuntary silly noises from my throat! It's always a relief to find someone like this to have a chat with (but then in my relief I rabbit and rabbit at them until they run away! ) If I've just rabbited on and on here for ages, and what I'm talking about is nothing to do with what you meant redneck, I guess at least we could say "here's a case in point to prove your original post!" p.s redneck, cheer up - it might never happen
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Post by dizzydumpling on Sept 27, 2011 22:02:36 GMT
We just weren't listening to each other, and spent too long trying to explain a simple concept using a multitude of different analogies. We were too busy trying to speak, and butting in, to realise that we were talking about the same idea. Oh dear - sounds mighty familiar!
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Post by redneck on Sept 28, 2011 11:02:56 GMT
"If I've just rabbited on and on here for ages, and what I'm talking about is nothing to do with what you meant redneck, I guess at least we could say "here's a case in point to prove your original post!" " Nope Dizzydumpling ... you understand totally what I was on about .. but yes actually I am rather inoffensive in the real world although Im told I can be totally tactless and maybe this is part of the problem?? And yes I have cheered up a bit, thank you for asking RR
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2011 11:23:36 GMT
I'm constantly told i'm bossy, overbearing, know it all and rude. which i'm pretty much the opposite and it hurts me to know that I upset them so much that it makes me try harder which just makes everything worse!! LOL it's a vicious circle for me really. I tend to think out loud and when working with others it sometimes comes out as me telling them what to do when in fact i'm asking them if i have done it and if we are doing it together.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2011 11:29:37 GMT
I find when i meet new people that i know i want to have a good relationship with i explain this to them and tell them about my disability so that they better understand me and have a little more understanding. some are ok with it and some just dont have time to care and they fuck off. better off with out them!
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Post by andy12345 on Sept 29, 2011 8:03:06 GMT
Shut up yo bitches, I don't understand a word yo is saying right like? During my petrol station years, some people hotwired me straight away. I said I was a behavioural mirror..Don't like shit....Don't throw it in my face....... llolllllllllllllllllllllllllllll I'd have killed myself if it was possible.
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Post by mizmog on Sept 29, 2011 20:10:09 GMT
Redneck, just found your post, completely understand never more so than now - plz see Re: being too upfront and honest at work?
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Post by redneck on Sept 30, 2011 13:21:30 GMT
Thanks Miz .. will go look at your post. Hopefully I wont go rambling off on it and give the wrong impression, I'm a bit wary of posting much now!!!! RR
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Post by mizmog on Sept 30, 2011 16:51:48 GMT
Redneck plz do, ramble on however much u like on my thread cos thats all I do when I write them!!! and its good to ramble sometimes, cos it helps put things into perspective!
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Post by redneck on Sept 30, 2011 18:23:08 GMT
OMG have I done it again? ?? I didnt think you were an offensive person .. I didnt say that did I?? Oh FFS shall I just switch my laptop off forever? ? I think I said that people think I AM offensive ... oh dear ... Im logging off know and if apologies are required ten they are here in multiple quantities ... RR
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2011 21:50:13 GMT
I'd say it's not always about an understanding. Some people want you to think about understanding while they let you down so you would be distracted by thinking about it. Some people may just not want to understand you. And asking yourself this question might only help them not to. Sometimes you have to 'bite' to help them with understanding. And often, I'd say, it's smarter to just try other people.
I think ADDers often focus too much on wrong people. There's a lot more people who might understand you, if you try to find them. Don't focus on a few who don't. 10? 100? Keep looking. As an experiment, try doing a search on Facebook for some interest (page) that you really like (as Machinae Supremacy, in my case). Then try to do the same with something not only you don't like but most people with your interests wouldn't like (Britney Spears). Look at the counts of likes those pages have. Britney has over 14 million likes. Which means that 14 million people right there will not understand me no matter how I'd try. And I don't want to shave my head. So, MaSu has only 19 thousand likes. In comparison it's nothing. Don't try to get those 14 millions to like you. Look for those among 19 thousand and try them instead. It will be so much more productive!
Working hard to make others to understand me never worked. Never. I did it recently. Failed again. Bad feelings again.
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Post by Mouse on Oct 6, 2011 0:03:25 GMT
I'd say it's not always about an understanding. Some people want you to think about understanding while they let you down so you would be distracted by thinking about it. Some people may just not want to understand you. And asking yourself this question might only help them not to. Sometimes you have to 'bite' to help them with understanding. And often, I'd say, it's smarter to just try other people. I think ADDers often focus too much on wrong people. There's a lot more people who might understand you, if you try to find them. Don't focus on a few who don't. 10? 100? Keep looking. As an experiment, try doing a search on Facebook for some interest (page) that you really like (as Machinae Supremacy, in my case). Then try to do the same with something not only you don't like but most people with your interests wouldn't like (Britney Spears). Look at the counts of likes those pages have. Britney has over 14 million likes. Which means that 14 million people right there will not understand me no matter how I'd try. And I don't want to shave my head. So, MaSu has only 19 thousand likes. In comparison it's nothing. Don't try to get those 14 millions to like you. Look for those among 19 thousand and try them instead. It will be so much more productive! Working hard to make others to understand me never worked. Never. I did it recently. Failed again. Bad feelings again. Was that bad feelings on their part, or was it that you felt bad? I now view being 'understood' in the same way as I've regarded being 'liked'. Not everyone is going to like me or find me their cup of tea, but then I don't like everyone I meet, so why should they like me? It stresses me less if I accept being misunderstood as 'just the way things are' (sometimes / often / always -depending on my degree of personal perssimism!). Then half my battle is won - I won't waste mental energy vexing myself over it. I can think about whether it is necessary or useful to make myself understood and try again, or give it up as a lost or unimportant cause. Now, I don't always get that decision right.. I've still got plenty of other things I beat myself up about endlessly. My OH calls me 'Timothy' as I say 'sorry' so often. I like watching how people operate at work. We have one 'saint-like' person who assumes her message is always perfectly understood - never crosses her mind that it could ever be anything else! We've another person who might 'get it' that their message is not being got but just says it a bit louder.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2011 0:18:43 GMT
On my part. Which only proves my point that no matter how good you are, the more you try to convince others, the more value you lose.
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Post by redneck on Oct 12, 2011 17:57:00 GMT
Why would you need to convince others???
After a life of totally being misunderstood Im getting to the point where Im thinking .. who cares? Am I bothered if Im misunderstood, well, yes I am inside but outside Im thinking I couldnt care less .. life's too short to care about what other people think of me.
A few people love me, they think Im the bees knees. Loads of people think Im a total waste of space. maybe I should just be grateful for the few and just ignore the loads. RR
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Post by redneck on Oct 12, 2011 18:01:58 GMT
"We've another person who might 'get it' that their message is not being got but just says it a bit louder. "
Mouse I have read this over and over and it stll doesnt make sense to me? Do you mean that the "person" says it louder??? RR
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Post by kakema on Oct 12, 2011 20:28:20 GMT
There is another person at Mouse's work who is aware that they're not being well understood, but (unfortunately) their strategy is to increase the 'volume'.
I think.
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Post by Mouse on Oct 13, 2011 6:15:29 GMT
There is another person at Mouse's work who is aware that they're not being well understood, but (unfortunately) their strategy is to increase the 'volume'. I think. Exactly! re the woman I was referring to - I have told her several times that there can be a delayed response while I 'process' things, but she ain't gettin' the message...
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Post by Mouse on Oct 13, 2011 14:51:03 GMT
Red, As for totally cocking up communication - you've got nothing on me - I'm keeping my trap closed and hiding out of sight!
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Post by redneck on Oct 13, 2011 18:15:47 GMT
Thanks Shiny for sorting thast out for me ... Im such a tw*t at times RR
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Post by redneck on Oct 13, 2011 18:16:40 GMT
Mouse ... me too!!! RR
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Post by kakema on Oct 13, 2011 23:38:29 GMT
Actually, I didn't quite get it right, but if you couldn't tell, I'll just keep quiet and hope no-one notices. Oops
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Post by mizmog on Oct 14, 2011 9:53:18 GMT
On the subject of Misunderstandings - does anyone find it works the other way and sometimes and u find u have completely misunderstood a situation/conversation or do u question that u have because u probably have and wont act on it because u think u might hv got it wrong... again!? if that makes any sense! lol
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