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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2011 22:12:41 GMT
This is a diary of ADHD, meds, and I. Today was my first experience of meds. I'm in my mid 40s, came across adult ADHD symptoms last month, and finally went "that's what's up!" Did a load more reading, no question in my mind. I had all the usual questions about meds, effects, etc. Read more. Found the NHS would take months to deal with me. Did not want my life on hold that long so I begged/borrowed the cash for a private psychiatrist opinion till the NHS could kick in. So here we are, a month later, learned a lot, and just started meds today! I would be very glad if this helps anyone - although every experience is different - and to hear if you have comments. Feedback welcome and very appreciated. You're getting this here, bare minutes or hours after I get it myself
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2011 22:16:28 GMT
I was very bright ("profoundly" which means IQ tested at 180++ as a kid) and that has its own issues, one book describes it as one of the hardest adjustments to make; you are sensitive and aware of everything (it seems) - pretty much every voice tone, every implication, every hurt someone else feels - at an age where you have no coping mechanisms, you feel things you can't make others understand, you find everything fascinating, you have insane energy, and that's normal and healthy for that condition. If I'd been assessed 20 years later I would have been written off as ADHD or Aspies, but this was before then, so I got all the rough times of hidden ADHD (self blame, inability to plan, social impact) but I didn't get medicated out of my natural "bounce" and the tenacity to face problems and not run from them. Pros and cons. Very heartbreaking, but long term may well have saved an important part of me.
I sought psych help again at around 30, dealt with a lot of the self-blame, found what I needed to change in me - but it wouldn't change. We took years but all the CBT type stuff, it just didn't work. I would try to make a decision to do XYZ and I just wouldn't, or would find myself doing whatever else instead. In retrospect, classic ADHD issues. I'd have a date at 6 and phone at 8 to say I wouldn't be able to; I'd have cheques to bank and forget them for a year; I'd know what I had to do round the house and never do it. Sometimes I'd flip into a focused state and I would do things, I lived for those times. They never lasted long enough.
As an adult I could hold down a job and manage my emotions, but I came over as restless and quirky (sounds all too familiar?) but when I wasn't working trying to consistently do the job hunt - forget it. I started this January (2011) and by October I reckon I'd done one good week job search. Why? I can't put it into words except impersonally "It didn't happen".
That's what ADHD feels like. You press the brake and the car keeps moving, you put down the phone and it doesn't cut the line, you try to do things and you don't have the control button that actually does the job. I totally take personal responsibility and hate the blame shifting of "it didn't happen" but that's what it was like - almost every day for life. Whether it was something I was doing wrong, or something I wasn't doing.. I couldn't find the control switch. It felt out of my hands. I'd know stuff was needed doing, and yet ... over and over next day and it hadn't been done.
My ADHD life. Sucks doesn't it.
I'd heard of Ritalin but didn't know much about it, heard it could help me concentrate, didn't know more. Did not want to go to my GP because frankly, I didn't have a specific issue to tell any psychiatrist, and did not want them to jump to the wrong conclusions or pigeonhole me for life wrongly. Which is exactly what was likely to happen.
By November 2011 I got desperate, started to wonder if I could somehow get Ritalin illicitly or without needing to spend months with my GP trying to untangle what hadn't untangled under other therapists. Just to try it, see if it would help as I was running out of hope and ideas. Then somehow I found two web pages that changed everything. The adult ADHD symptoms page on Wikipedia, and somehow from that I found a page that went into the psychology of profound IQ and what that affects. Wow! I never knew that lot!
I read for 24 hours solid, and it was like "so that's it!". One thing profound IQ does is you're a natural for (accurately) seeing connections and patterns. I always have been, I read and I saw it suddenly all fitted. The confusions were because very bright kids can use their minds, to work round some issues (but not others) and so nothing had quite fitted -- and profound IQ consequences aren't in any standard psych textbook, it's a 1 in 30,000 condition, so nobody I saw had a way to pick up on it. And amazingly there was something that could be done:- ADHD could be diagnosed without any other confusion in the scene, it was a "stand-alone" issue for me. Wow!
I wanted the best care I could, due to the risk of uninformed psychs getting it wrong as this would be a long term mental health issue. I found the Maudsley (national adult ADHD centre) and spoke to a clinician. They had the knowledge of my situation. They also had a 7 month waiting list for assessments, and even then who knew how long until they find meds that work. I want my life back now, not some time nearly a year later. What to do??
(See next post for the "what next", and the post after that for my 1st day on meds which was today!)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2011 23:08:48 GMT
What I did: I approached my GP, told him I was certain beyond doubt I was clinically ADHD and asked for a referral to be assessed. I told him the Maudsley had said it would be 7 months and I couldn't wait that long, nor did I have cash to do it all privately. I asked if I got a private prescription would he be willing to fill it on the NHS. Turns out the doctor on the prescription is legally responsible for the patient and answerable for the decision to prescribe so he said no... but if I was prescribed it and it was stabilised, then after 3 months when it was no longer "new" and was just maintenance, he would consider it. So all I have to pay is a private psychiatrist to assess me (1 - 2 hours, £200 - 300), private prescription for the meds (£50 - 90/month for 3 months) and if it works, then the NHS would cover me however long until their assessment took place. I phoned up a few private psychiatrists, explained the reason (needed cover, no income, desperate to get on with life), one of them agreed to do it at a discount of £250 including the next 2 repeat prescriptions if all went well. Steep, but for not wasting 9 months of my life, worth it. Promised to keep him posted via email how it was going. Also phoned up a few pharmacies, explained I was expecting a private prescription and asked for prices on Ritalin. Now this is important: a psychiatrist prescribing privately needs a "Controlled Drug (CD) prescription issuing number" from the NHS, to issue class 2 meds like Ritalin/Concerta. It starts with a 6. That's due to the Shipman murder cases, they tightened up a lot. This doctor didn't know he needed one because he usually prescribes within the NHS. So check first that he/she has one and he can prescribe, and that he/she will prescribe if he agrees with the assessment. He can get one via his local PCT's pharmaceuticals and medicines management team or their prescribing services. He can ask them to expedite it. I was told 2 weeks and it took 10 days. Then again I phoned the PCT myself, found the right person there, explained I was desperate to get my meds, asked if they could expedite it from inside the NHS, then put the psychiatrist in touch. That might explain it Some chemists will accept handwritten prescriptions on headed notepaper, others will insist on a proper non-NHS prescription form. My local chemist was fine with a note but couldn't release the meds till the CD prescriber number came through. You need to chase. I finally got the call about 2.30 today that it was ok, and 3 mins later I was on the way to the pharmacy who'd had the meds in for a week waiting for the number to come through. I paid for a month's supply of Concerta (1 a day 18mg for a week to acclimatise, then 2 a day 36mg afterwards). I also picked up a heavy duty Omega 3 + vitamin E capsule, very heavy duty one, "health aid" brand, 750mg, containing 750mg EPA/DHA, as a supplement. I couldn't wait to get home to see if this was a dead end hope or going to help me, and there wasn't much point waiting. I took my first of both at 2.40 pm at the chemists, and my life on meds began.....
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2011 0:19:27 GMT
Things I thought about before meds: - I do have a naturally high energy level, so I don't want to lose that in dealing with ADHD.
- I metabolise drugs well, no allergies or sensitivities I know of, good internal systems, and zero reaction or "pick-up" from caffeine, the most common stimulant. So it's up for grabs what my metabolism will do with meds.
- I haven't told the folks I live with or my family that the meds arrived. I don't want to feel others silently judging, assessing, having expectations, or commenting (even if they aren't). This is my stuff, it might work or might not. I explained that when the meds arrive, if they do work they might notice before I do, and if they did please keep it to themselves as I have to figure where I'm at for myself. I told them I will raise it with them when the time's right, and will ask for feedback when I feel ready.
Diary time! Remember everyone is different!! This is copied almost exactly from notes I made during the day. Lots of diary notes for today (1st day)! probably less as it settles into a routine and not much needs saying. But I want to capture the first day or so fully including how I felt at the time, because the experience of starting meds isn't well described on the web. 2.30 pm (T+0)Meds arrived at pharmacy 2.30pm. At last, and please gods let them work! The first week you take 1/2 dose to acclimatise. That's 18mg for now. I also bought a bottle of heavy duty omega-3 at the same time and took them at the pharmacy. Pharmacokinetic charts say it takes about an hour to reach appreciable blood levels. 3.30 pm (T+1:00)I tell my closest friend online, then tell him I have stuff to do. Cannot tell if this is psychological (I have meds so I feel empowered to do stuff) or the meds actually helping, but even with meds you have to actually do things, so if it is just a psychological placebo effect I still appreciate it as it helps me. I get going doing some tidying up which is what I need to. I felt I was typing fast to him, I don't think that's mania or obsession, but jury's out on that. 4.00 pm (T+1:30)I don't do drugs habitually but once or so a year I did. There's that brief feeling you get of "something kicking in", and I just got similar now, it was brief, but noteworthy. I do feel very slightly calmer inside, at some level. We'll see. The proof isn't in one day, it's in whether the old cycles are consistently broken. In other words, I could misinterpret a day or 2's events, but over time I'll know if a genuine change has happened. And with that, I go back to sorting papers - which is itself a switch I normally would find hard...... 4.30 pm (T+2:00)I decide I'm going to keep a record of this. That's not a novel decision - first time I took other mind-altering stuff I did, to track my own experience. Plus it will probably help others, there aren't so many records like that and I'm good at self-observation. It could help. I feel two symptoms that I do think could be related to the meds. First is a very slight headache. It's slight enough I am guessing most people wouldnt notice it, it doesn't actually hurt or anything, but I can feel the slightest sensations of it. Ignorable as it stands. Second is I do feel I am slightly ... I don't want to use the word "manic" but I am moving fast. When I hyperfocus or I'm "in the flow" (rare but lovely!) I do move fast so in a way that's natural for me when ADHD barriers are removed. Cannot tell right now if what I'm experiencing is "good" or "bad", it just is, as with everything else time will tell what is a med effect, what helps, and what doesn't. Not going to judge right now, and this sensation is surely not harmful. Partly also typing fast because I feel I can get going, but I want to document this as well, so I am doing this fast to get back to other stuff. That slight manic feeling, I think I associate that with the amphetemine-like qualities of meds, although I'[ve never done speed this is a bit like what I would imagine it to be (my closest experience is watching Spud's job interview in "Trainspotting"!) I feel an urge to be going, to move quickly, the thing is, I probably am moving a bit quicker and feel that slight edge inside (it's not unpleasant and I suspect I'll get used to it) but from outside it probably just looks purposeful and busy. I don't feel much like being talkative or talking fast though. Hard to tell. We'll see, early days yet. 5.00 pm (T+2:30)I can still feel the pull to be distracted or switch to distracting activities, but I'm definitely not being so strongly pulled in to them. It still takes some willpower though, but the sense of "irresistible pull" is less. This is definitely where I would stop and lie down to read or rest or revisit the kitchen or pace or find some distraction normally, no question of it, if I hadn't done so already. I can feel that. And it's not automatic and irresistible this time, for the first time I can remember. I feel a bit scared (in a good way) knowing I do have the choice to pick a "next job" and just get on with it... but the "lie down and read/do distraction" feels more like a choice, I am feeling the learned habit of it rather than the neurological drag of it, so let's see if I can use that productively..... 5.05 pm (T+2:35)Well, I did check out the kitchen (habitual distraction behavior), but sooner than usual I went back. I looked at the room, and picked something next to do there. I could feel the temptation to distract, but usually it's not a "temptation" so much as an irresistible "how it's going to be". I was able this time to resist it. Again I have no idea how much of this is psychological (placebo effect of having meds now) and how much is meds themselves. It felt different. I felt it as temptation (that I could make a choice about if I really wanted), or something I could decide about, rather than something that carried me along unable to much fight it despite me. 5.10 pm (T+2:40)Something else new. I came across a receipt and couldn't remember if I'd been paid back for it. we agreed what do to and she said "You must remember to settle these at the time" -- and I didn't feel "pushed". I didn't feel I *had* to reply or I was being challenged. I felt comfortable agreeing and moving on, it didn't feel as heavy an impact as normal. I felt almost no pressure to respond - and that felt a lot healthier. 5.20 pm (T+2:50)I am sure I must look calmer (although busy) from the outside. Im sure the restless mannerisms are less. The big realisation just now was, the incessant inner dialog/commentary is gone. Or dimmed, or something. It's calmer inside, less distraction. Less of the inner voice chattering or reflecting non-stop (as it sometimes seems). I am tempted to phone up the psych and tell him, it's working (words cannot express my feelings at having hope nearly drowned in problems perhaps on the verge of being fulfilled). But if it really is working, then time'll tell. This is just day 1. I'm naturally going to be hopeful and open to a placebo effect or a random "good day". I'll know more what's what in a while. I'm also tempted to hold it at 1 capsule (18 mg) if this turns out to be enough. But I would want to check out what the "correct" maintenance dose feels like at 36mg, which is what's prescribed, and this may not be enough. For example, the blood levels fall after some 10 hours and it might need a 36mg dose to ensure the rest of the day is functional. But impressions right now are that if the last 2 hours are anything to go by, it's moved the issues in my life from the realms of "unbeatable" to "beatable". I am so grateful and ... not sure the word. What's the word when an unprecedented change happens you had given up hope for, and you have a minor urge to kiss the ground or something and thank the gods for having freed you? It's a bit like that feeling. Sorry for overdoing it but you get the idea. It's not a panacea. Having done that bit of clearing up, I do feel the "let's distract" urge, but this time, it's just one choice out of a few, the others being take a short break then carry on (no need to be hard on myself), or look round for what's next. To have that be a choice or temptation, and not a simple compulsion... that's all I have wanted in a way. I could cope, listen, take stuff in, be less restless, more focused, at this level. It's early days so no assumptions. I hope this diary helps others who are facing what I was. (cont...)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2011 0:36:58 GMT
6.00 pm (T+3:30)Okay, the speedy "rush" feeling has gone although the calm sensation remains. I remember some websites said this was what happens and it's a bit like the 2 - 3 times in my life I have taken **** - a peak in the first while, which then passes after a while, leaving a longer calm plateau. It's a bit like that so I'm familiar with the idea. It's not a "drug" high, but there was definitely a feeling of "rush", and as I said, that scene from Trainspotting captures how it felt (though obviously very exaggerated, this isn't amphetemines or in "street" doses, but only a mild cousin of them and in a clinical long-release dose) Just had a drink. The forums say you can get dry mouth, I haven't so far. The simple act of hearing something on the raido in the other room, going in to listen, having a drink at the time, then coming back to carry on stuff... if I say that's new to take for granted, does that give an idea what ADHD can do? Part of me wants to lie down, I'm going to take that as habitual, I think I'll pick up the next stack of papers for sorting instead. I've always, like a surfer, waited for that wave of motivation and hyperfocus and tried to seize it and ride on it as long as I can, this doesn't feel like that but given my history if I can, I probably should. I probably have habits from ADHD that I need to shake, and "go have a lie down every few minutes" is probably one of them. At worst I'll seize a moment where I have motivation to kick-start doing things, at best I'll be letting go of habits once they arent compulsive any more. So whatever the reason, it's probably best to do it. Even if it is "just another compulsion" or a productive phase (I've had them) it's still worth trying to make the most of it and hope it "sticks". It rarely does... maybe this time it might? 6.30 pm (T+4:00)I'm also speaking more softly, dialogue more than monologue. I am sure that will be noticed by others. Discussion of stuff needing doing feels more like I'm working with others now, not pushing at them, as a result. A few minutes later someone said something I'd normally react to sharply or "full on", this time I didn't react the same way, it felt a lot better. 6.40 pm (T+4:10)Just taken rubbish down and hoovered - and when I missed a bit I just redid it, no big deal. Room looks better now, though I could do more if I took a few moments to think about it. I might, you know, I know the paper cupboard was on my mind before, I feel I could choose - chill, be with family, or do that. And I want to be productive and I feel now, I could be if I chose. A big albeit subtle difference. I feel I can be productive if I want - and I am now free to see what I want to live. So it's not like I'm now driven to do stuff. I just looked round the room, thought "nah, let's leave it there, take that bottle in when I go". Much more balanced and open to making the choice; I'm experiencing temptations and ideas not magnets, and a lot of the background "stuff going on" is gone. This feels how ordinary life should feel, no sense now (4 hours from taking) of being "on speed" or "rush" or anything else. This plateau feels completely normal - except for me, it's not normal, or its a normal I rarely have. 6.50 pm (T+4:20)Much calmer socially with family (it feels). I feel like I'm much less likely to react harshly or overly, I never realised really I was over reacting until now, when I can feel less pushed to a particular reaction style. I thought before taking the rubbish out to ask if anyone else wanted something taken too, and that felt much more "normal" in how it happened. (I might have asked otherwise but less gently or more abruptly). For the first time I can see how an underlying impulsive "pushiness" and "edge" was buried my speech most of the time. Perhaps others felt it was very prominent, hard for me to judge. Either way, if that goes (and about time too at this age!), I wonder how long before people feel the improvement. Very fast I suspect. Worth noting. And with the room now done enough for the time being, I think I'll go have a shower - and that's something I have almost never done at this point in the evening, and usually at the last minute or beyond. Just came naturally, I decided (or want) to do it, so it happened. Imagine a life where you can't assume that'll happen. There is no question this is meds working, as that is something that is not at all in my "usual way of being". But I would have wanted it to be (or for the freedom to choose it and think of it, to be). Now it is. I feel like I can actually make plans, in some meaningful sense where they might get carried out and not just be a brief flicker before the grey comes back. I feel like "can this really be what my life will be like?" I'm not euphoric, but I can see so much hope now, I never had that, not really, except a vague "after many years effort and therapy just maybe I'll find out at some time why I can't." Goal of my life, just to understand. I didn't even much hope to * change * it, I hoped, but I didn't know if that would be possible. I just told a friend, "What a difference. It's not overdone, I'm on 1/2 dose and the changes are not small. No adverse effects I can detect. I feel like I'm freed up to live how I want to, not limited by wihat I'm pushed into." It's been 4 1/2 hours and the measure of how much it has changed my life in that time (if that's not too short a period to describe something tentative as being a "change of life"), is, I feel confident enough that I could tell family what's happened, whereas 2.30 pm I had no thought of doing so as I didn't know if it would do anything. But I think I'll still leave it the week or so, see how it goes when it's more than just a few hours or new, see what acclimatisation does, see what I feel or they feel. Summed it up again to a friend, "You know that scene in "trainspotting", where spud does speed for his job interview? I did feel something like that briefly. But it doesnt feel like a rush, so much. Just..... like one has a choice instead of a compulsion. The incessant inner chatter/reflection got quieter. I was able to look at "done that, let's lie down and read/take a break" and it was just a temptation, not an irresistible drag. I just feel very grateful, a sort of 2nd cousin twice removed to kissing the ground and thank the universe. I was able to hear a criticism and not feel driven to respond to it, it felt more "right". It's very early days, but wanted to say." If this feels like you could do with it - get it checked out. It's a change you'll like. 7.30 pm (T+5:00)I should add a bit about how it affects thinking, creativity etc. I know as someone bright with good self-awareness this was a worry for me, so it might be for others too. I feel more able to focus on and consider ideas at a graceful pace, rather than "brain-spasming" full of ideas. It's too soon to say if I will feel or be less cognitively fine-tuned or quick to spot ideas and stuff. That's a feature of intelligence and ADHD and I haven't really had enough times today to see how it goes, so it's hard to tell. I imagine I'll get impressions on it over the coming week. What I do feel is, I don't feel less bright, and if I *do* have ideas I feel I will consider them more and therefore be more productive and effective with them. I will watch this over coming weeks. I will also at some time take a meds holiday to see if I notice any adverse effects from the perspective of being off them. I also notice I seem to be typing quicker, but the inaccurate finger placement I've had the last 10 years - that's not there. I'm typing more accurately too. That's unexpected, I'll watch that to see if it's illusionary or not. And I just caught myself contemplating going to bed at a "usual" time, ie not 3 - 4 am after I have finally tired myself to sleep. Undecided on that one though :-) 8.30 pm (T+6:00)Supper was nice. I didn't rush eating (I usually enjoy doing so), so I felt more able to eat at the pace others were, less like I needed to be on the next mouthful and the next mouthful and the next mouthful. It felt a lot better, more "natural" to me or less "pushed". No effect on appetite as such, but less inclination to rush. Sweet. Not sleepy after or in between either, as usual. 11.30 pm (T+9:00)Slight "rush" sensation comes back, wondering if it's starting to wear off. It's only been 9 hours so it should be good for another few on average, say the charts. First day, and I only took them in the afternoon. I guess we'll find out how they work for me over time and how they last, during the next week. Still seem to be typing quicker and more accurately, that's good. 12.30 pm (T+10:00)Caught my legs/knees jittering an hour or so ago, ("fidgeting" behaviour). It stopped when I noticed and though I've felt the temptation to restart a bit, it's just shifted from "need" to "temptation" enough to decide no. Probably just enough meds to shift this thing that way. I do feel slightly "ADHD-ey" at the moment (you'll know what I mean), I wonder what blood levels and stuff are doing. I've written up 1/2 my diary on the forum. I feel like I could break and not "need" to do the rest now, that's a big change. I yawn. I realise I'm in a very natural way, tired, and I can actually pay attention to it. I could even choose to go to bed. Wow! Normally I can't till I've worn myself down a lot more, 3 or 4 am. I know I've had a good day, i don't feel obliged to do the night too. I'll do what I have to do, then go to bed (I hope!) If this works, and if so, see you tomorrow! (PS I did decide to post up the 2nd part of today, also a bit of a dry mouth but only very slight.) 1:00 am (T+10:30)Late update, mouth a bit dry-ish, and (slight though it is) an elevated heart rate. Both not uncommon with meds, not worried, good general health, took a sip of olive oil to keep the dry mouth at bay. Will look up dry mouth tomorrow, and for the long term may not be a bad idea to get a BP/heart rate monitor in the house for general health too. (I'm in good health but my dad had high BP and only found out by accident, now has a pacemaker too, so there's reason not to assume). They should be cheap, I'll look what's available online then hit the sack. Night!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2011 9:28:05 GMT
Thank you fo rthis aren.....im contemplating taking my meds for the first time today.....bit nervous......your post really helps. My first dose for the next 7 days is 10mg.....
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2011 9:48:07 GMT
Hi Aren,
Thanks for the diary, very informative.
Two questions: Can you provide a link to the article on psychological affects on profound IQ that you alluded to earlier in the diary? And, explain the reasons why you are taking Omega 3 and other supplementary vitamins?
Regards,
BEnd
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2011 13:56:31 GMT
Two questions: Can you provide a link to the article on psychological affects on profound IQ that you alluded to earlier in the diary? And, explain the reasons why you are taking Omega 3 and other supplementary vitamins? Yep, let me get back on those later. Basically - I'll upload a zipped file of pdfs and other sources to mediafire or something, then you can read for yourself. I'll post the main links/source titles, and a link to it, here. As for Omega-3 and their EPA/DHA, they're good for quite a few major health areas anyway (wikipedia's got an article on Omega-3 fatty acids) and people reckon we don't take enough, I bought them 5 years ago and - you guessed it - never used them. ADHD killed that idea too. Then read somewhere they are suggested by some people as a natural substitute for ADHD meds for the uninsured overseas, the poor, or those who don't trust meds. May do nothing in reality but like I'm going to turn down taking every chance I have So Omega-3 joins Concerta, it can hardly hurt and even without ADHD it would be likely to help.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2011 17:48:44 GMT
Feedback/input requested on this one. 3.00 & 6.00 am (written up 7.30)Went to bed 1.30 am. Woke up after 2 hours sleep. That's not a problem, it often happens that way if I got to bed early. I'm reckoning my body will take time to adjust to a different sleep pattern (if I choose one); in retrospect it's not that surprising and I'm not really surprised. Still feel that sense of calm quietness which is nice. So I got up, did a few things, went back to bed. dozed some more, then finally at 6.00 decided I was going to wake up and get up. Got going on a few jobs continued from last night. It is hard to tell how much of that is psychological, as in, having "caught the flow" I do hang onto it a while, Perhaps, having been kicked into that state by the meds, will mean even when they leave the bloodstream I'll hang onto the state a bit. It's hard to know for sure at the moment. Like a lot of this, right now, time will tell. As long as I find a way that works I don't much mind. I'm still somewhat able to make choices and do things. That's a bit in-betweeny, but it was a bit in-betweeny yesterday too, mainly I guess as I'd only had a 1/2 normal dose (18mg), So it hasn't pushed the balance completely over, just enough that I have some hope of making decisions. I also had a slight body tingle when in bed that made it less likely I'd sleep. I wondered briefly if I'd have insomnia for the first time in my life. Not worried, sleeping patterns and body senses have to be expected to change a bit and it's no different than normal sleep when I go to bed early. Today's thought:- I can meaningfully make plans in my life, for the first time in 40-odd years. Just think about that, and what it says to be a source of happiness to be able to take that for granted. of course I could make plans before, but with luck now I can make plans and have a hope they will happen. And not just once, but for the rest of my life, if lucky! That means so much, I had all but run out of ways I could see to doing more than hanging on by fingernails. Even for a natural optimist, that's not easy to deal with. I dealt with it, to be brutally honest, by ending up with a world-view that jettisoned the bit where one attached huge emotional weight to it, which helped me to live with it. 7.30 amI sorted out a paper stack just now, I will admit I am waiting for meds time. Not due to dependency I don't think, but to feel more in a place I can decide my day/life, curiosity, experimentalism, and wanting to be "that way" more completely in my life. I'm pretty sure it's not dependency. I feel no psych pull to them. It's more just the poor mental state I want to avoid. Frankly once the meds and my state on them are stable, I want to experiment a bit, find out how meds interact with me, for example I want to see if I do need 36mg or if 18mg makes just enough difference (I suspect I'll trial 27mg some time). I want to find the minimum I need to get me back into the "normality" zone. I also want to see if I really need them every day or if they have a lingering "hang-over" effect that means once I'm in the flow, I can hold myself there the next day. Being bloody tenacious and stubborn might have left me with that sort of outlook. It's not the usual brain so the "usual rules that everyone else swears by" and the usual warnings everyone else finds necessary, have never been the best guide how to make use of it or what is right for me. Who knows. Careful trial and testing is the only sure way to get a real answer I can rely on and form reliable intuitions to guide me in future. Of interest, judging by yesterday/today, there is some possibility that I might notice when I need meds, and try taking them when that "ADHD-ey" feeling comes back, or when any hang-over effect dissipates and I notice I'm not handling stuff right. It would not surprise me. Though it's unorthodox, I've usually found my instincts about myself are accurate. I already do know it can interfere with sleep so that will have to be taken into account as I can't assume taking them after about noon or early afternoon would be sensible if I found I needed them late in the day. For now I plan to follow the stipulated clinical regime strictly, to see what that's like, before assuming I know enough to self-test variant regimes, or lessen the meds or whatever. I am definitely a bit less focused and more inwardly distracted at this time, than during yesterday afternoon/evening. No dry mouth though. They haven't completely worn off but the effect seems a bit less, I am inwardly more easily distracting I think, or less easy to make choices, but the quietness and settled mood is still somewhat with me. I think if I was socialising I'd be seen as calmer than usual. That's good, as it's 17 hours since taking them. I had figured to take today's meds at 8 - 8.30, it's 7.35 now. They do take 1/2 - 1 hour to kick in. Start early in the day (ie now) and see what I'm like by evening? Not sure. I think I will find something to do for 1/2 - 3/4 hr then take them. 8:10 am (T+0) - ReflectionsI took a 1/2 hr walk. I noticed myself saying random stuff to myself, a pattern I know is my ADHD-ey mind. With insight from yesterday I could differentiate between two functions it serves. One is stimulation (something going on). The other is a habitual workaround for working memory issues, hearing myself say stuff helps it to have a chance of being remembered when I get home to write it down, because I can forget that sort of thing in minutes when something else comes into my mind. So I learn that my chattery impulse kicks in, while my "started a task so carrying on with it" side and calmer side is still helped chemically or psychologically by the meds or the placebo effect or the habit of the last while. It's worth being aware that's where ADHD kicks in for me. The next 2 days will be the acid test. By the end of the weekend I should have enough experience to have a good idea what they do for me and how I am on them. It would not surprise me if, in a week's time, I'm actually asked "did they turn up" or (when I discuss it) family tell me they had wondered if I'd started them privately. I might leave meds a short while to take them. Partly that's because I want to start from a "clean baseline", to know what their effect is, how it works and kicks in for me, so I want yesterday's pretty much out of my system before taking todays. Actually though, I don't feel like I need/want to wait. I'm mostly back to baseline anyway and feel slightly ADHD-ey. Let's go for it. And yes, part of that is "I want to be back on my meds". I'm aware of it, and will watch out for it. I do not want to buy into a belief in dependency. Usefulness when needed yes. Nothing more. I'm confident I can trust myself on that so the odd thoughts that come across that way don't worry me. I can tell sense from stupidity when it counts. There is though, that feeling of hard-to-believe relief, that maybe from now, I can get on. I think part of it is novelty of having that belief that something's turned up that helps me, a bit like the excitement of a birthday or something. As such I'm prepared to tolerate some self-indulgence. I've waited long enough for the hope of a life back on the rails. I imagine I'll start to accept it as "normal" and not new and temporary in a while, if it works and continues to work. No need to worry over the gladness of it while it's a novelty. 9.00 am (T+0:50)I bought a blood/heartrate meter online. I looked for a proper arm not wrist one and also decided to get one having an "irregular heartbeat" detector, don't know if those work or are a gimmick but it's relevant. I looked them up on Google to identify a model and confirm they were listed by the British Hypertension Society as decent quality goods ( sample web page, look for "A/A" under protocol, hope I got that right!). I found two relatively cheap ones, the HL868ZA/HL-868ZA (£18 ish), and a Homedics unidentified model (£25) that looked okay so I got the former. 10.40 am (T+2:30)This is quite different from yesterday. I expected a peak, a slight rush, or a sensation of change. What I have is more quiet inside, easier to do stuff than usual, but some things like restless pacing are hanging round. It doesn't really feel like anything except inner quiet is different from normal - which is good if I do actually get stuff done today, and bad if I don't. 13:50 pm (T+5:40)No change since the above this morning. Inside is fairly quiet-ish, outside I've been sorting papers and sorting out a network issue. To be honest, today feels like I never took meds at all, but that I'm still in the flow I get now and then. In other words I am unsure if I feel I have choice as much as yesterday, and other meds-like feelings aren't there. But I am at least being productive though possibly because once I start and I'm in the flow it tends to keep going till derailed. Cannot tell if meds are doing anything today - knowing my metabolism it's quite possible I digested the damn things, though unlikely as Im pretty sure I responded to them yesterday. I did expect to feel something from taking them in the morning. Have I adapted in 24 hours to the point of not feeling them? Again, time'll tell. First yawn of the day. I'm thinking that's a slightly ADHD-ey yawn, daytime sleepiness style. We'll see what happens. 17.30 pm (T+8:20)I spent the afternoon productively. Papers sorted, computer fixing mostly done. Just now I came to a natural pause point and went to the kitchen and grabbed a biscuit or two (or 3 or 4). I am bothered though. I've felt nothing meds-ey all day. Head has been calm, day's been productive, I even multitasked the 2 things I was working on (!) But I've had days like these, once I'm in the flow they can last a day or two. I was expecting to feel the meds and some effect of them, even if subtle, judging by yesterday. I didn't, unless the effect has been no internal chatter. I can feel the restlessness round the corner inside, stuff like that. Not worried, I felt them yesterday and had enough evidence that convinces me it was meds, not placebo - stuff happened that completely surprised me when I noticed it, which is unlike placebo that works mainly on things you anticipate it working on. So I am fairly sure they did have an effect and there is no denying today I was productive and calm inside. I can feel the subtle differences, this feels more like the purposeful inner calm I'm used to from being "in the flow" (rare to get into!) than calm from meds. I didn't assume anything yesterday, I'm not going to today. We'll see what happens the next few days before considering what patterns are showing up. But this isn't how I expected to feel on my first full day, after yesterday. Let's see what tomorrow brings. The acid test will be when things happen where I don't feel I had choice or I can feel the push to be moving, and it's an ADHD-ey kind of sensation. I now have a relatively fresh memory of what "not feeling like ADHD" feels like, and that's going to be very helpful as a comparator. Not sure what I'll do now. a bit tired, 1/2 minded to eat, I think taking stock and relaxing might be good. A movie or a nap, maybe? Back later and - feedback please!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2011 17:53:37 GMT
I'm so confused... i couldn't dream of doing a post/diary/blog like this...
much less READ it all!!!
*tucksheraddselfbackinthecorner*
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2011 18:34:42 GMT
I'm so confused... i couldn't dream of doing a post/diary/blog like this... much less READ it all!!! I don't completely understand which aspect you mean that you couldn't dream of, but if you clarify or genuinely want to know, I'll try to answer you. I don't plan to keep it up at this level of detail in the long term. It's useful to do it short term though, whether for myself to reflect on and have accurate memories to consider, or more, on the chance of others who might find it useful somehow.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2011 19:52:22 GMT
I'm so confused... i couldn't dream of doing a post/diary/blog like this... much less READ it all!!! I don't completely understand which aspect you mean that you couldn't dream of, but if you clarify or genuinely want to know, I'll try to answer you. I don't plan to keep it up at this level of detail in the long term. It's useful to do it short term though, whether for myself to reflect on and have accurate memories to consider, or more, on the chance of others who might find it useful somehow. Hi, I'm Steph, I have ADHD, have done since i was a child. I couldn't sit and write all this in detail at once, or even remember to stop and remember to write it down... BECAUSE I HAVE ADHD. even with meds it makes my eyes hurt. I have heaps of diaries. they are in a drawer or two or under a bed or in a car, bin? someone elses house... i donno... BECAUSE I HAVE ADHD. There is no way I can read all of this...BECAUSE I HAVE ADHD. clarified?
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Post by Lesley on Dec 17, 2011 20:33:50 GMT
Hi Aren
I read your first three posts - may or may not read the others, they're probably beyond my levels of concentration! BUT the first half of your second post is probably the best description I have read of what life is like for me (barring the super-high IQ).
I've tried the NHS and didn't get very far - I'm going to try the private route - my doctor is open to the idea of shared care - but it will have to wait until after Christmas now.
I'm impressed you've got this far so quickly. It's now 20 months since I read the article that opened my eyes.
Good luck with the meds.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2011 20:52:30 GMT
I couldn't sit and write all this in detail at once, or even remember to stop and remember to write it down... BECAUSE I HAVE ADHD. even with meds it makes my eyes hurt. I have heaps of diaries. they are in a drawer or two or under a bed or in a car, bin? someone elses house... i donno... BECAUSE I HAVE ADHD. There is no way I can read all of this...BECAUSE I HAVE ADHD. Yeah. What's unusual is I have an unusual 2nd condition along with ADHD. So I can get caught up by interesting insights very heavily if they do catch my attention, which means I can sometimes concentrate. But that's not the gift it sounds like. The curse of ADHD means even when I do find myself concentrating, I have no reliable control where that concentration goes or how long it hangs round for, and I can't shift focus between tasks or remember time. I might spend 3 hours on a puzzle and not think of the family dinner. I can write an essay over the course of 2 weeks but forget the doctor's. I might stay up till 5 am researching something online that really isn't important because it catches my mind, and just not manage to remember to sleep. I might do something trivial until the deadline for something else has come and gone and I'm f***d. Or I might just have ADHD symptoms all by themselves and my mind flickers from here to there and does nothing whatsoever and I look round and it's 3 weeks later and nothing's got done. In this case starting meds is emotionally very significant after 40 years. It's important for me to remember this brief time for future. It's important (empathic felt sense) to capture it in case it helps others. It's very immediate (*now*) and not in some vague future. I can latch onto a "project" and focus on long texts if something catches my immediate interest. It's very short term. Above all I'm doing it on meds which means ADHD can't undermine it or create neurological distractions. So writing this diary up is a result of factors that mattered to me plus meds plus other conditions that made it easier. If you asked me to keep a diary generally, not a hope in hell, I would be as lost as anyone with ADHD. But unusually the other condition just sometimes, can and does override it and I switch from no focus to very focused - and I'm also writing this on meds.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2011 2:32:23 GMT
I couldn't sit and write all this in detail at once, or even remember to stop and remember to write it down... BECAUSE I HAVE ADHD. even with meds it makes my eyes hurt. I have heaps of diaries. they are in a drawer or two or under a bed or in a car, bin? someone elses house... i donno... BECAUSE I HAVE ADHD. There is no way I can read all of this...BECAUSE I HAVE ADHD. Yeah. What's unusual is I have an unusual 2nd condition along with ADHD. So I can get caught up by interesting insights very heavily if they do catch my attention, which means I can sometimes concentrate. But that's not the gift it sounds like. The curse of ADHD means even when I do find myself concentrating, I have no reliable control where that concentration goes or how long it hangs round for, and I can't shift focus between tasks or remember time. I might spend 3 hours on a puzzle and not think of the family dinner. I can write an essay over the course of 2 weeks but forget the doctor's. I might stay up till 5 am researching something online that really isn't important because it catches my mind, and just not manage to remember to sleep. I might do something trivial until the deadline for something else has come and gone and I'm f***d. Or I might just have ADHD symptoms all by themselves and my mind flickers from here to there and does nothing whatsoever and I look round and it's 3 weeks later and nothing's got done. In this case starting meds is emotionally very significant after 40 years. It's important for me to remember this brief time for future. It's important (empathic felt sense) to capture it in case it helps others. It's very immediate (*now*) and not in some vague future. I can latch onto a "project" and focus on long texts if something catches my immediate interest. It's very short term. Above all I'm doing it on meds which means ADHD can't undermine it or create neurological distractions. So writing this diary up is a result of factors that mattered to me plus meds plus other conditions that made it easier. If you asked me to keep a diary generally, not a hope in hell, I would be as lost as anyone with ADHD. But unusually the other condition just sometimes, can and does override it and I switch from no focus to very focused - and I'm also writing this on meds. Bingo. I came this close to yelling TOOO LOOOOOONG when I started wading through all your stuff (some of it chimes hugely for me, but like kameel, there's just too much detail for me to stay on track), but then I thought that it mattered to you to post it; it doesn't matter at all that I can't read it. So you keep posting, mate (but don't take it personally if you don't get many comments ). And I've sat doing puzzles - jigsaws were a particular passion at one point - for hours, too, unaware that I haven't eaten, used the loo, or even physically moved much, not noticing that everyone has gone to bed. Hyperfocus - it's a bit of a madness for me. Even now, wtf am I doing reading the forum at 2.30 am, when I'm knackered and know I'm not getting enough sleep? As a mate said recently; I just don't want to stop doing what I'm doing.
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Post by boo on Dec 23, 2011 1:08:31 GMT
i dont normally comment on long posts, if they are too long i skip them and know that others may be able to reply, cos we all seem to have key points that for whatever reason we are able to home in on, pick out, and then reply to....... but JEEZ!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2011 12:15:09 GMT
Ok ok, short this time Concerta is making a huge difference when it works, but so far hasn't been completely consistent. Some days the effect has been much less. The 2nd day on full dose 36mg it had almost no effect even at peak time (2-4 hrs after taking). I am hoping that's rare, or to do with getting used to it, sleep patterns, etc. The morning dose always wears off by 4 - 6 pm, by evening ADHD issues returned really badly. The difference almost makes me ashamed to socialise off meds, it's that big. Psych was a hero, he agrees a morning dose hasn't been covering me, so he's changed me from 36mg in the morning, to 36mg morning + a 2nd topup dose 18mg about 3 pm. That's made a very big improvement, suddenly my days have felt more "normal" start to end. Huge for me. I might be able to semi-cope like this. (My family are also in the loop so he's getting their feedback too.) I've had zero negative effects at all, the only issue has been when I haven't had enough positive ones. Incredibly grateful he is willing to allow that and doesn't say it's "wrong" - but I put effort in to work with him on it too. Hope to god I don't develop tolerance, I need this to keep working. Keeping dose as low as I can. See how it goes and Merry Christmas!!
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Post by boo on Dec 26, 2011 11:31:15 GMT
Aren thats sounding really positive so far eh.... happy christmas to you too, and wishing you a bright & shiny happy new year for 2012
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