infidelle
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 7
|
Post by infidelle on Mar 10, 2012 22:55:23 GMT
Im putting this new thread out there in the hope I can get some conversation going about the problems ADD/ADHD sufferers and their spouses have come accross - and tools/tips for over coming them.
I am in a loving -fairly new- relationship...I can't help but feel there are aspects of my ADD that really hurt him.
Even when I explain that the things that upset him are my ADD he still get's upset (of course).
These are things like: I zone out of conversations, figet with my android phone when we are spending time together, I get restless, unable to control my emotions, etc etc
Care to share?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2012 9:52:06 GMT
Not right now, I'm afraid (not in a relationship)! But there are already a lot of threads on relationships, from both the ADHDEr point of view and the 'neurotypical other half's, including the things you mention. Have a search and see if there is something you'd like to pick up on?
Sorry to be bossy - I just get bored when we go back over old ground....
|
|
|
Post by Mouse on Mar 11, 2012 10:25:00 GMT
I don't mind this sort of question!
Even if there are older threads out there - which it is a really good idea to read - with people moving on and not returning to the board we get new imput / views experiences and maybe a new 2-way discussion can be started - whereas adding your twopence ha'penny to the older threads won't always get a response if responding to a reply by someone who has moved on. Sure there was a shorter way of saying that... maybe that 'conversation' was the key word for me in that post!
And speaking of conversation... I find I need communication but can't always communicate myself.. as sometimes I really cannot work out what my problem is... So when I am asked 'what is the matter???' my brain doesn't always know.. Sometimes it does ...othertimes I offer another ongoing issue in the meantime, as a stop gap. My OH finds it impossible that I don't always know what is wrong with me.
But it was made clear to me yesterday that even other adhders can expect you to be able to know what 'the matter' is !
'Unable to control my emotions' is a definite issue because there are not the same brakes on my behaviour that there are at work...tho even then I don't always manage my emotions as well as I should at work (that is 'should' by NT standards of course).
I get v stressed v quickly and end up aggravating OH. I will not often dwell on the issue that caused me the stress or even think about the stress I passed on to my OH, because for me, and usually very quickly, tho sometimes not so quickly, it is all forgotten and I have moved on. But for OH the residue of the outburst remains in his mind, for ever, it seems, all accumulating to create a mountain of resentment and just waiting to be recycled when 'words are exchanged'.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2012 14:55:31 GMT
Yeah, I was just being crotchety... ;D
|
|
infidelle
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 7
|
Post by infidelle on Mar 11, 2012 16:52:26 GMT
I appreciate the input S.G
And I totally related to the inability to contain emotions, then when it all blows over for us ADDers, the neurotypical OH harboring resentment. Now that I have read your words, its now engrained in my mind to consider as and when it happens, if that makes sense?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2012 17:53:19 GMT
'Emotional lability'. It's all part of the ADHD self-management issues. We can't ignore our emotions any more than we can other distractions. And we respond to them impulsively, just as we do any other thought that comes into our heads. Like blurting things out - we don't self-edit our emotional content enough. It's why I have a 'leaky face' as well as 'foot in mouth' syndrome.
|
|
|
Post by sherry on Mar 11, 2012 23:10:00 GMT
I guess I am lucky because my better half has taken the time to understand me. I have been with him since before my diagnosis, which was a bit dicey. After a couple of years I came by ADHD (a bit of a fluke) and I realised what was wrong with me. I then explained what it was to him and he came on board straight away. We have worked together to overcome the difficulties and work out how to deal with them. I still annoy the hell out of him, but he says I am a laugh and good to him. If someone really loves you they will do their best to work with you.
|
|
|
Post by Mouse on Mar 12, 2012 12:10:32 GMT
My OH seems to have forgotten what he might have learnt initially about adhd when I was first diagnosed, and I have asked him to buy the 'Is it Me, You or the adhd' book - can't remember exact title - but he hasn't done so yet and I have mentioned this three times to him so far.. not that I am really counting lol.
|
|
|
Post by sherry on Mar 12, 2012 22:24:27 GMT
Typical bloke, never do what we want lol, best get the book for him and put it in the bog!
|
|
|
Post by mccutcheon on Mar 13, 2012 14:16:39 GMT
I guess I am lucky because my better half has taken the time to understand me. I have been with him since before my diagnosis, which was a bit dicey. After a couple of years I came by ADHD (a bit of a fluke) and I realised what was wrong with me. I then explained what it was to him and he came on board straight away. We have worked together to overcome the difficulties and work out how to deal with them. I still annoy the hell out of him, but he says I am a laugh and good to him. If someone really loves you they will do their best to work with you. Similar story here. My wife has been with me since way before my diagnosis and before things got out of hand. So she knew she wasn't in a relationship with a general twat who doesn't listen but that something was off. She's read the "Is it you, me or the ADHD" book and it has apparently helped her a ton. Now things that drove her mad don't anymore because she knows I'm not doing them to be an ass. It sure helps that I've been very receptive to getting treatment and that my treatment seems to work pretty well. So my zoning out/dropping things moments and all that have gotten a lot less frequent. And when they do happen we can laugh about them because they're not dominating our life anymore. For us the key really has been 1) medication because it is making the "hurts" I inflict on her a lot less frequent and 2) her understanding what happens in my brain. Because if there's science in something she's game
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2012 21:42:26 GMT
My OH was very supportive etc. Still is, actually. Couldn't wish for better, really.
Unfortunately, in the process of learning about my ADHD and finding out who I really was, I worked out that I'd been bored rigid but procrastinating ending my marriage for years, so I left him.
|
|
|
Post by twix on Mar 14, 2012 9:36:26 GMT
I can't decide whether to say I'm sorry to hear that, or I'm happy for you!? Anyway you know what I mean I guess....
|
|
|
Post by Mouse on Mar 14, 2012 10:49:39 GMT
My OH was very supportive etc. Still is, actually. Couldn't wish for better, really. Unfortunately, in the process of learning about my ADHD and finding out who I really was, I worked out that I'd been bored rigid but procrastinating ending my marriage for years, so I left him. Can understand this completely... procrastination caused me to put off thinking about how things were.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2012 18:46:35 GMT
Ive been with my partner 10 years. Pre and post diagnosis. Ive had umteen jobs, emotional outbursts, panic striken moments. At first it used to annoy him and wed argue and we both would get stressed. But the love has always been there. These days he understands me more and just lets me get on with it, or goes along with things even when he is shattered to help me. It can be infuriating at times for him. I know he cant fix me and I am the way I am, I also now know after all we have gone through that he loves and accepts me or he wouldnt be here. Im learning all the time about my adhd and ways to help myself. With that understanding comes calm, I also try to step back to appreciate how he feels. I am on the positive side bubbly and can chat for Engl;and which he loves so there is good and bad in everything.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2012 18:18:44 GMT
I can't decide whether to say I'm sorry to hear that, or I'm happy for you!? Anyway you know what I mean I guess.... I do! Don't worry, though - I did it a year ago. I just didn't say much about it at the time.
|
|