Post by hopeful on Apr 23, 2012 20:24:31 GMT
I was going to hold of on posting, for fear of not getting my diagnosis, but here is where I am at the moment:
My ADD Journey
I am about to start working my way through the NHS system to seek a diagnosis of ADD. What has prompted me to try and get myself tagged with this much maligned, poorly recognised and openly mocked tag?
I suppose I’d have to put it down to my friends. For most of my life I made very few lasting friendships. I struggled with maintaining the intimacies of friendships and found it hard, unnatural even to carry out the little rituals that others do to develop and keep close friends.
This rarely bothered me. I was content with my own company and happy to retreat into my own mind for entertainment and occupation. Then through work, I came to make a few good friends. We grew very close, and they were extremely supportive of me as I went through a very stressful split from my ex. I began to understand why others sought out such friendships and valued them so highly. It does feel good to know that someone gets you, and has your back come what may.
Fast forward a couple of years, about 18 months after the split and one day, over a small incident, my friends are pissed with me. I didn’t understand why they were, so I confronted them, and out it came. Since my split with my ex I had changed (the relationship was borderline abusive and it kept me very low), I dressed more attractively, had my hair done and was just so up that it worried them. They also admitted, in the kindest way they could manage, that when I was like this I was hard work. I constantly jump in on conversations, interrupt people and at times had blurted things out that had made them wonder if I was the person they thought I knew.
Now, I have no wish to make them sound like bad people bitching about me, because I genuinely believe their comments came from a place of concern. They voiced a thought that it was my AD’s making me so up.
I took all this away and tried to process it. I started to be more aware and observant of my own behaviour and came to recognise the things they described were so innate in my I hadn’t even realised that I do them. I became more and more aware of it, and began to realise that all the traits I had joked about sharing with my severely ADHD brother, were not me being a little ADHD, they were me being a LOT ADHD.
I work in an open plan office and will often be working (all right procrastinating about working) away, while simultaneously listening to 3 or 4 conversations going on. I can keep track of and jump in and out of these conversations with no effort. As a rule I find it hard to block this out. The exception being when I get caught up in creating something new, or solving a problem for someone, then I can work for an age without even noticing who is in the office.
I think I manage in my job as a lot of it is fire fighting; Things thrown at the last minute with no time to spare to the deadline. This means I deliver beyond what most would. The admin side of my job however, sits gathering dust and being rewritten on my “to do” lists again and again.
I often sit and watch others in my office and I am in awe at how they just sit down and get on with their work. I would guess that if the average person works at about 75% efficiency, I must work at about 25% if that! I turn in work that I have done in a day, after being given a month to complete it. 29 days of procrastination and one day of doing it, or being in so much trouble! Then I get complemented on what I deliver. I feel like a fraud as I know that I could have done so much better.
I think I am all written out for now, but this is how I ended up googling ADHD in women/Adults and reading list after list of symptoms and recognising myself. Not just a little as you often can with various psych lists, but absolutely and completely.
The final clincher for me, was when I very nervously read out the list to my ex. We have put in a lot of work and are now communicating very well. We share a daughter, so learning to talk to each other is very important to us! His reaction? He just said that is you. He never understood my depressive episodes, so I was so nervous to discuss this with him, but he was 100% understanding of how I saw myself in those lists, and when I asked him if he would be willing to speak to someone regarding my past behaviour, he was absolutely willing.
So I am hopeful that I can get a diagnosis and meet my potential. I am hopeful that I will get a diagnosis that will let me mourn for the degree I so desperately wanted, but couldn’t study for. I am hopeful that I will learn to understand my shortcomings regarding personal relationships and improve myself in that respect.
I find that as terrified as I am to put this label on myself, I am comforted in ways I couldn’t imagine that there are all these people out there, just like me.
I know that this journey like every other in my life will be filled with setbacks and procrastination to a degree that it could be an Olympic sport, but I think this is one that I need to see through to the end, because understanding my ADD would give me a perspective on my life, that would differ so much from where I am now. I wouldn’t be the super bright girl who blew so many chances; I’d be the ADD girl who did really well to achieve all she did in spite of her condition.
My ADD Journey
I am about to start working my way through the NHS system to seek a diagnosis of ADD. What has prompted me to try and get myself tagged with this much maligned, poorly recognised and openly mocked tag?
I suppose I’d have to put it down to my friends. For most of my life I made very few lasting friendships. I struggled with maintaining the intimacies of friendships and found it hard, unnatural even to carry out the little rituals that others do to develop and keep close friends.
This rarely bothered me. I was content with my own company and happy to retreat into my own mind for entertainment and occupation. Then through work, I came to make a few good friends. We grew very close, and they were extremely supportive of me as I went through a very stressful split from my ex. I began to understand why others sought out such friendships and valued them so highly. It does feel good to know that someone gets you, and has your back come what may.
Fast forward a couple of years, about 18 months after the split and one day, over a small incident, my friends are pissed with me. I didn’t understand why they were, so I confronted them, and out it came. Since my split with my ex I had changed (the relationship was borderline abusive and it kept me very low), I dressed more attractively, had my hair done and was just so up that it worried them. They also admitted, in the kindest way they could manage, that when I was like this I was hard work. I constantly jump in on conversations, interrupt people and at times had blurted things out that had made them wonder if I was the person they thought I knew.
Now, I have no wish to make them sound like bad people bitching about me, because I genuinely believe their comments came from a place of concern. They voiced a thought that it was my AD’s making me so up.
I took all this away and tried to process it. I started to be more aware and observant of my own behaviour and came to recognise the things they described were so innate in my I hadn’t even realised that I do them. I became more and more aware of it, and began to realise that all the traits I had joked about sharing with my severely ADHD brother, were not me being a little ADHD, they were me being a LOT ADHD.
I work in an open plan office and will often be working (all right procrastinating about working) away, while simultaneously listening to 3 or 4 conversations going on. I can keep track of and jump in and out of these conversations with no effort. As a rule I find it hard to block this out. The exception being when I get caught up in creating something new, or solving a problem for someone, then I can work for an age without even noticing who is in the office.
I think I manage in my job as a lot of it is fire fighting; Things thrown at the last minute with no time to spare to the deadline. This means I deliver beyond what most would. The admin side of my job however, sits gathering dust and being rewritten on my “to do” lists again and again.
I often sit and watch others in my office and I am in awe at how they just sit down and get on with their work. I would guess that if the average person works at about 75% efficiency, I must work at about 25% if that! I turn in work that I have done in a day, after being given a month to complete it. 29 days of procrastination and one day of doing it, or being in so much trouble! Then I get complemented on what I deliver. I feel like a fraud as I know that I could have done so much better.
I think I am all written out for now, but this is how I ended up googling ADHD in women/Adults and reading list after list of symptoms and recognising myself. Not just a little as you often can with various psych lists, but absolutely and completely.
The final clincher for me, was when I very nervously read out the list to my ex. We have put in a lot of work and are now communicating very well. We share a daughter, so learning to talk to each other is very important to us! His reaction? He just said that is you. He never understood my depressive episodes, so I was so nervous to discuss this with him, but he was 100% understanding of how I saw myself in those lists, and when I asked him if he would be willing to speak to someone regarding my past behaviour, he was absolutely willing.
So I am hopeful that I can get a diagnosis and meet my potential. I am hopeful that I will get a diagnosis that will let me mourn for the degree I so desperately wanted, but couldn’t study for. I am hopeful that I will learn to understand my shortcomings regarding personal relationships and improve myself in that respect.
I find that as terrified as I am to put this label on myself, I am comforted in ways I couldn’t imagine that there are all these people out there, just like me.
I know that this journey like every other in my life will be filled with setbacks and procrastination to a degree that it could be an Olympic sport, but I think this is one that I need to see through to the end, because understanding my ADD would give me a perspective on my life, that would differ so much from where I am now. I wouldn’t be the super bright girl who blew so many chances; I’d be the ADD girl who did really well to achieve all she did in spite of her condition.