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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on Jul 19, 2012 12:18:14 GMT
I used to be Confident ( or was it just not being switched on to Elements around me?)
I'm struggling big time with People !! & Social Places .. I worry about everything smallest detail .. My Neice is getting married tomorrow I've stressed so much wouldn't mnd it's prob only an hr but fear will be such a Nightmare for me and it spoils my Quality of Life!!! Stops me doing things I'd like to do alone & with family it's ridicules My hubby thought it could be depression as at times I refuse to even go to local shops. But I'm beginning to think its possibly part of ADHD just more prominent of late as my Teens with ADHD are the same around Sociability..
Do you?? Have you found ways to combat it xx
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daisypink
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Post by daisypink on Jul 19, 2012 12:52:06 GMT
Hi - when I go through a spell of depression I feel unable to go to places and be with people - yet when I'm not depressed I love company and going out. Withdrawal is a significant symptom of depression - and depression goes along with ADHD for many of us!
For the wedding tomorrow, maybe try and focus on what you're going to wear - spend time thinking about accessories and make up , and try and enjoy making yourself look nice. I know that's hard when you're feeling low. And when you're at the wedding, and with other people, get them to talk about how they're doing - as has been said on here before, people like to talk about themselves, so that's a way of not having to say much yourself!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2012 21:52:42 GMT
Yep - I've concluded that much of my social anxiety is because, in addition to not enjoying frankly boring small-talk and being all too familiar with the embarrassment of zoning out of conversations or putting my foot in it...I have (like many ADHDers) a powerful ability to imagine out to the worst case scenario, which is that nobody will talk to me when I try to break into a group.
I got trained in 'networking' in a previous job (seriously! They paid for that sort of thing!) and while I still hate social things, I now know that professionally, if you warn a grouo that you want to join it by smiling engagingly and making eye contact with someone in the circle before you break in, they will either open a space to let you in or send you a clear signal that they're having a private conversation.
The rest is, as daisy says, about looking interested and affable, and asking lots of lovely open questions.
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on Jul 19, 2012 22:00:32 GMT
I think it's not fear of Conversations it's the just not liking meeting the New Peeps .. Crazy I know how stupid I sound but it's serious enough to eat away at me today that I've decided not to go tomorrow it's just ton stressful .. I guess if your a close family it's fine but I've never felt in the Firm so to speak I can't do Falsy False and pretend Alls Rodney when I will feel like a duck out of water and like the Lottery Finger is pointing at me ITS YOU!!!! But I won't have won lol xx
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2012 22:14:34 GMT
There's no rule that says you have to like people! It's ok to be how you like - only becomes a problem if it's a problem for you!
Sometimes, I really don't want other people, too.
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on Jul 19, 2012 22:35:54 GMT
Thanks Shiny Yes I think it's a problem for me I think I need to step back and do what I want not stress over feeling I have to do what others expect .. To be honest I wouldn't be missed anyways so not that I'm upsetting anyone it's my own guilt at being so Socially inept that's causing me stress .. I think I shall spend tomorrow doing my thing and others will just have to deal with it in there own ways .. Even if I tried to explain my Social issue I'd still be the bad guy so .. I'm doing what I feel is best for me!! Xx
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2012 5:42:57 GMT
I am not the person I was before I was diagnosed.
I don't think I am hugely more unpleasant; I just do what I want to do more. I'm comfortable with that.
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daisypink
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Post by daisypink on Jul 20, 2012 7:49:48 GMT
I think I need to step back and do what I want not stress over feeling I have to do what others expect ..I think I shall spend tomorrow doing my thing and others will just have to deal with it in there own ways .. Even if I tried to explain my Social issue I'd still be the bad guy so .. I'm doing what I feel is best for me!! Xx Good for you - hopefully you'll feel better now for having made that decision and taken control. Your 'duck out of water' quip reminds me of difficult family gatherings in the past. I'm talking about my husband's family - who are even more dysfunctional than mine My two sisters-in-law (husband's sister & husband's brother's wife) could reduce me to the shy, awkward kid I used to be. No matter how hard I tried to get on with them and fit in, I knew they didn't like me! Brought up to be a people pleaser, I spent years putting up with them - until I decided enough already! Helped by my son, who aged about 15 said to me 'Mum, why do you care what they think of you? They're horrible people!'... Have a good day doing your thang! x
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on Jul 20, 2012 9:01:06 GMT
Thanks Daisy!!!
Well I decided I'm going to 'Show My Face .. I've told myself it's just an hour of my life it's more a challenge to Force myself to Face My Fears .. Go Smile .. Leave .. Relieve .. & then say to myself a Hirdle Conquered xxx
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Post by lambylottie on Jul 20, 2012 9:16:48 GMT
Good luck at the wedding Lonely, I feel exactly the same! Particularly with my husbands family. His sister is the worst she has to be the centre of attention and is super organised and trys to hard! People like that aren't worth your time.
Stick with the people there that you know or just do your own thing. If a conversation gets awkward make an excuse to leave it " bathroom break", " just need to call my friend who i'm worrying about" or something along those lines :-)
It's finding ways to cope and being who you are, not what people want you to be. They can like it or lump it! xxx
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2012 13:07:06 GMT
Do it on your own terms, missus, for what you want to get out of it! If you have a bit of fun, it'll be a bonus!
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on Jul 20, 2012 16:03:24 GMT
I went was ok I didn't feel too overly awkward just stuck to ppl I felt at ease with so 2 hrs later back home.. But in not going to the Evening Bash that's pushing it too far lol xx
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Post by 16stonepig on Jul 27, 2012 8:24:46 GMT
I look back on my life and realise I used to be much more socially confident than I am now. It's sad, but it's down to all the years of being disconnected, losing track, perceived social failures.
I think it's reassuring to actually look back at the times I was more confident though - it reminds me that I do have the social tools to actually get on with people, and gives me a bit more strength when I make the decisions to force myself out into the world and be with people.
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on Jul 27, 2012 8:59:18 GMT
16stonepig Yes I totally agree and I've done a lot of Remembering how I used to be.. Maybe I was trying to live in the last or rushing towards the future these days I tend to Stick to the Now it's the now that matters and I've learned to let go of the past hurts n stuff and each day I face in the Now it's great as I don't have to worry about stuff that depressed me each day is a new day I feel I'm on a new path and my confidence will just get better & better xx
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lisablue
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Post by lisablue on Jul 27, 2012 11:37:46 GMT
Hiya lonely, Gosh...I am with you on the socialising issues! Until I started meds I wouldnt even walk shop for the things we need for the worry of someone i know seeing me and i having to talk with them! Or i would go in the shop and make a total fool of myself, being silly and hyper, because i'm not sure i can have a decent conversation with anyone i'm not completely comfortable with. If I have to go out (which I hate) i either sit in a corner on my own, or try and join in...but that puts pressure on me and i end up coming out with such idiotic remarks that i'm surprised at myself for them! One example is when my husband and i were out his old bosses wife came over to us...we hant seen her since her husband had died. She was talking to my husband and i sat there all quiet thinking i need to say something and getting more and more fretful over it. Eventually I came out with "how was he, you know, when he died"? her remark back at me was "how the f-ing hell do you think he was? He f-ing died" I was DISGUSTED with myself, really God forgive me, what a TWAT i am!!!!! I've never forgot, or forgave myself for that but I seriously dont know why i said such a stupid thing! It seems I leave my brain at home when i go out and people really do view me as 'mad' I dont know the answer...if you find it please share...but you honestly are not on your own with the social awkwardness issue..i just stay in...not good xx
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jon
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Post by jon on Jul 28, 2012 7:46:05 GMT
Lonely - Urgh. All this is really familiar to me, too. One of the reasons I like being a tour guide is because it gives me a chance for social contact without any kind of two-way conversation, which is something I'm bad at. The only way I can cope is to turn conversations into a 'routine' where I tell stories and act like a standup commedian while minimising the need for actual interaction. My business partner calls it 'holding court' (very charitably,) and I call 'being a twat and monopolising the conversation,' so now I limit my social interactions to directly work based situations.
I've always been bad at social situations, because (like many ADHD people, I suspect) there always comes a time when I still want to talk to someone and I feel that pressure building up as my attention span slips, and I know that it's only a matter of time before my eyes unfocus and I just look at something else while they're talking, or I come out with something inappropriate (or even, once or twice, forget I'm speaking to them and walk off to do something else.) It's made me incredibly avoidant of social situations.
What I can say is this: diet and exercise have both really helped me. I didn't realise it, but if I look back at the time when my blurting and inattentiveness started to get a bit better, it's when I started combining a low carb (ish) diet with cutting out processed sugars and fats. I'm not perfect by any means, but now I get some warning before I say something and that lets me exercise some self control, so maybe that would work for you.
Either way, I hope you enjoyed the wedding!
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