bobjones
Member posts quite a bit
Posts: 103
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Post by bobjones on Aug 3, 2012 14:40:44 GMT
When it comes to mental illness I'm firmly in the closet !
Nobody knows everything ! I just don't talk about things, not even to my parents. I have no friends who I feel I can be 100% honest with (and I don't want to burden them anyway, they have lives of their own).
Only 11 or 12 ish people know about my depression, only a handful of them know it's lasted more than a decade.
Only 4 or 5 know about my ADHD, as I was only diagnosed last week, thats's not surprising.
How would you suggest I should come out to my friends and family or more importantly, should I ?
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Post by odat on Aug 3, 2012 16:49:20 GMT
Tell who you need to when you want to. Some of my friends know about my depression and ADHD but I don't talk much about either. The only exception is a few of my friends that have also been through periods of MH probs themselves so I've been more open with them. My family know I was depressed but that's it and I doubt I'll ever tell them more. They don't need to know.
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jon
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Post by jon on Aug 5, 2012 22:04:08 GMT
Bob - I have to agree with Odat, tell the ones you need to tell when it becomes important. I told my mother and brother, and that was quite traumatic for a while, especially as my mother went into denial and took it very personally. My brother is a scientist, so looked at the evidence, and concurred that I was probably right. I'm quite lucky that he's open minded. Out of friends... I work in the arts, so my work colleagues were quite supportive with me (at least to my face, arts people can be bitchy upon occasion) and my wife is great... but there are people who I will never be able to tell, particularly two people, one a close friend, and another a family member, both of whom work in mainstream mental health and both of whom have massive issues with the idea of ADHD. I can be quite bloody minded about things in a 'take me or leave me' way, but I've decided to neither specifically mention it or to hide it. I don't put the ADHD books in a special closet when my friend comes by and I haven't sworn my mother to secrecy... and if either person does find out and have a negative reaction... I'll have to deal with it when I come to it.
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Post by cleverliteral on Aug 5, 2012 22:16:19 GMT
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2012 9:12:39 GMT
In my opinion it would be much easier for someone with obvious hyperactive ADHD (I presume this is what you mean each time you go on about "severe") to come out.
Most neurotypical people I have told, don't think there is anything wrong with me, as they see no obvious physical impairment. If I was predominantly hyperactive, they would be able to see my disability much more easily, and be more likely to accept that I have it.
Bobjones, I would concur with the others, and only tell people that you feel comfortable telling, or people that need to know. I would disagree with the post above, and say that the biggest benefit (to me) from telling people, is that I can be myself, rather than having to struggle to act more "normal".
John
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2012 10:00:39 GMT
I've always been quite circumspect about it in the "public world". When I did my undergraduate degree, it never occurred to me to tell the university and I'm not sure they had much official support back then anyway. Some people in my department were aware of it though and the department was quite flexible about allowing me to create some self-directed research topic courses, overseen by computing faculty. I even did a self-directed reading course that other people joined in Germanic studies. That flexibility enabled me to finish my degree. I'm betting I would have had trouble at my original university which wasn't as flexible.
My PhD university knows I have ADHD although only my supervisors knew when I started back in 1996. Again, I don't think there was much formal support back then and it didn't occur to me to look for it!
The university I've worked at for the last 12 years didn't officially know until a few years ago--really not until I started teaching on a postgraduate course about e-learning and accessibility. The odd manager or colleague along the way may have been told, but I've generally dealt with or suffered with it on my own, without asking for any support or accommodations.
It makes it sound like I'm only mildly impaired, but there's more to this than meets the eye. I stopped taking medication at 16 be because I hadn't started puberty yet and they believed you "grew out of it.". I left home shortly after that and finished high school by correspondence and night classes. It took me almost 3 years to finish my last year of high school. I started university and I struggled. I studied and studied, but stuff just didn't sink in. No matter what I did, I'd zone out in lectures. Preparing for exams was a nightmare because what I read was going in one eye and out the other.
I wasn't used to this. I'd been an honours student through high school, even in my last, very-drawn out year. At one point, I was on the verge of being expelled because my university grade point average was too low. I managed to appeal and switched to computer science which was much easier for me (having been programming and teaching programming since I was 12 -- this is in the days of the Commodore 64 so 12 was very young.) I eventually realized I still had ADHD as an adult and started taking Ritalin again on an as needed basis and with awareness. I went from almost being expelled to graduating with honours and winning a national scholarship for postgraduate studies.
Sounds good, doesn't it? But I did that with medication, sheer bloodymindedness, intelligence, and giving up on doing it the "normal" way. I didn't bother attending lectures/classes most of the time because that wasn't a good way for me to learn. I worked part-time at a job based at the university on with no fixed hours. I could swap between different courses or work as I got bored. I worked long hours. I was usually stressed (which helps with focussing). I was usually late with my coursework, but the faculty cut me slack. Whether that's because they knew I had ADHD (I hadn't told them!) or what, I don't know, but it made a difference.
The department convinced me to go for an honours degree and then to consider postgraduate studies. I'd had no such plan! I did prove them right -- on the honours degree part. I've struggled mightily and unsuccessfully so far with the postgraduate part but that's a different story.
Mostly I've gotten by at work and study with that combination of medication, tenacity, intelligence, hard work, and flexibility without needing to tell people. Why didn't I tell people if it likely would have made life easier? Probably because I hate being in a position where I can't manage on my own. Showing weakness while growing up resulted in a world of pain. Being obviously different wasn't a good thing. And it still feels like a personal failure not being able to succeed on the same terms as everyone else, even after all these years. I'd apparently rather jeopardise my mental and physical health through overwork and stress than admit I need help, because admitting that says to me that I'm not good enough.
I can't say my recent experiences with disclosure and asking for help with my PhD have been encouraging either. My supervisor doesn't see how/why my ADHD has been causing problems or even believe it has anything to do with things. The person in charge of doctoral studies in my department doesn't see why I can't just do a "traditional" thesis or why I should be allowed to do a collection of published papers instead. We've either forced the issue or sidestepped it (not sure which) as a reasonable accommodation when it looked like I wasn't going to be able to have the department provide that as an option for everyone (it is acceptable in a few other departments at the university already). ADHD, treatments not working, and not understanding how the crazy DSA works (because I never had one until recently) has made my current PhD life a real mess. )-:
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bobjones
Member posts quite a bit
Posts: 103
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Post by bobjones on Aug 6, 2012 19:13:56 GMT
The main reason I'm considering 'coming out' is that I am about to fail my Masters. Everyone I know knows that I've been at Uni. Nobody knows how much I've missed/not handed in due to my health problems (that most have no knowledge of).
Most important of all is my son. He's 6 years only and lived with his mum most of the time. I've absolutely no idea what to say to him. I want to be honest but don't want to put him off education/learning or for him see his father as a failure.
Next there's family and close friends. As a family we just don't talk, never have. Close friends are few and far between, mainly due to years of isolating behaviour and multiple house moves.
Then there's the rest.
Coming out would mean that I could stop lying to everyone, but would inevitably lead to more questions !
(This forum should have procrastination popup every 20 min with the words "You have been procrastinating for 20min, time do do something else!)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2012 19:45:52 GMT
I tell everybody - I'm quite vocal about it. Get the whole range of reactions, same as everyone else - but what's made it worthwhile (apart from the modest bit of general awareness-raising) is the two or three people who've made the connection to what it means for them, personally. Helping a few other people like me understand their lives better makes up for all the incredulity and general intolerance I get from my boss...
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