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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2012 13:09:56 GMT
I'm in a job where I struggle massively with doubts in what I can and whether I'm any good. Can anyone help with giving me ideas of how to cope with anxiety and negative thinking? I'm struggling someone help please
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on Aug 7, 2012 13:50:33 GMT
I struggle in this area and have looked into CBT & NLP lots of good books & CDs on the market may help xx
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2012 23:22:10 GMT
What can I do now whilst I wait for the cbt referral. I'm struggling and have no one that understands I can talk too. I just want the answers to enable me to cope. I don't want books I don't want CDs I just want help to get clarity on coping with the Nxiety and all this negative thinking as I'm yet to see any sight of a silver lining.
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lisablue
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Post by lisablue on Aug 8, 2012 12:08:12 GMT
Hi Timbo,
First of all there will be no 'quick fix', it takes quite some time to address well established anxiety...first piece of advise is 'don't beat yourself up about it'!!!
Right...I will use a good analogy regarding your anxiety and work so you can actually 'picture' what is happening!
Imagine, at the end of your garden is a big field, the grass is above waist height as the field is neglected and unused. At the other side of the field is a shop which you want to buy things from. When you first walk through the field it is quite difficult and it takes quite some time to get across to the shop. However, you have used the field quite some time now to get to that shop...and the more you trod the same path...the more the grass has flattened and the easier the journey. Now, instead of taking half an hour...your path is so well used it only takes 10 minutes...that path is well established. Yes, of course you could walk all the way around...but that is the longer route...the path is so much quicker now it is well trodden that it is instinctive to go that way.
Your anxiety related to your work is that path! It is a well established connection (path) linked with your work! For you to be able to overcome this you now have to make a 'new' pathway that, in the end, will be just as established as the old one! Trouble is you have to start from scratch and walk through that difficult tall grass to make another path! Your brain will always want to use the established connections...that connection is the feeling of anxiety that is linked in with your work. The field and grass are the connective neurons in your brain...the more they are used the stronger they become the more firm and established that 'anxiety' pathway has become...the more readily those neurons will fire. CBT helps you strengthen new connections and associations, which render the older ones less likely to 'fire'.
So you can see...this will not happen overnight and there is no one piece of advise that will make it all go away immediately!
Until you get some CBT my advise would be to acknowledge and accept that 'for now' this is how you will feel...but also acknowledge that this is TEMPORARY and CAN BE CHANGED! Just the knowledge that it can be dealt with and it's not forever will take some of the pressure off you and, just a tad, ease that anxiety! Secondly, you would not have been employed in that job if they did not feel you were capable!
Is it a new job? How well do you get on with your superiors? A good idea is to ask them to give you feedback at the end of your working week. What have you done well? What can you improve on? Them telling you what you have done well will improve your self-esteem and what they say you need to improve on will give you some 'control' over the situation. You know where you need to improve and you will work out steps to address that. There is nothing worse than 'not knowing' if you are doing well or not...how can you improve if you are not sure what you need to improve on? One of the biggest cause of anxiety is the feeling of loss of control...you can take steps so that you gain that control back!
Before you go to work tell yourself that you feel that today you are going to have a good and productive day. It may go on to be a bit shit...but still the next day tell yourself the same thing. One day you will turn up and the day will be better...this can then be linked with the 'positive' morning chant...so the next day you say it you will start to have belief that the chances are the day will actually be better!
Biggest thing though is to accept and acknowledge your anxiety...accept and acknowledge that it is only temporary...it will move away!!!
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on Aug 8, 2012 13:22:35 GMT
Well advised Lisa I'm currently reading Get The Life you want by the Co founder of LNP Richard Bandler really works x
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Post by cleverliteral on Aug 8, 2012 16:49:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 19:53:21 GMT
I was diagnosed a short while ago after living life of thinking that this is normal and since being diagnosed I feel as though all my thoughts and feelings have been heightened. I feel trapped and fairly low. I have been prescribed methylphenidate 5mg and it feels at times like an anvil is suppressing any good little bit of happiness. I hate it! My anxiety is spilling out into day to day life sitting at my desk at work. I have been in post at my job for 2 years and at times wish I was better off not finding out about the diagnosis as I am anxious ALL the time. I am effectively an event planner for a management training company. I have told my immediate manager, a director and also another colleague. Since telling them I feel I can just go and blow off steam. I also feel once I have done it that I am going to labelled as ‘the guy that fell apart’. Their support is a relief once I told them. I am in two minds about being vocal in the company as I don’t want peoples pity, but as much as I don’t want it I do want it to be an excuse for all of the little mistakes I make (can’t remember the mistakes. I just have the on-going feeling I have made them). Has anyone else been in that position? What happened? My job requires me to have attention to detail skills, but also to be creative. So a day is full of swings and roundabouts. I have to cater to the needs of the office as well so I never seem to sit still. It’s a bad job for an ADHD sufferer and yet the environment I work in is supportive. Unknowingly looking back at the last two years I have somehow instigated coping mechanisms to help me perform and work with others to make sure that the customers we facilitate get what they want without a hiccup. My mum has taken it pretty bad and doesn’t seem to like to talk about it and instead seems to ask my fiancé if she answers the phone how I am doing and if there has been any change. I tried to force the conversation a little by updating her, but she gave me the impression she felt awkward and tried to discreetly change the subject. I don’t want to accept anything about this and currently hate everything about it. I just cannot see how it can get better and wish I was stronger to cope. Am I just in a phase of denial that will clear once the medication is on track? Will I lead a successful life that I want so badly? I have so many stupid little questions that to me make perfect sense and yet if I was to be vocal to my fiancé or to the small amount of people I have told will not make any sense and be brushed off with a pat on the back. Thank you to all of the above that have responded and realise what I have just typed is most likely mass amount of confusion and will lead to some questions. If you can help I really do appreciate it. (Thank you Lisablue, Lonelyinacrows and cleverliteral – I will try to take your help on board and really appreciate all your help. Lisablue – that was a lot to read and absorb and will read it over and over again until it sticks )
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Post by prunesquallor on Aug 8, 2012 20:09:47 GMT
Hi Timbo;
I agree with "don't beat yourself up"; the doubts you describe seem to be very common for people with ADHD;
1) What is your evidence that you are not doing well in your job? Is it feedback from your boss? Are you comparing yourself with colleagues? Are you able to ask your manager for feedback outside of formal appraisals? (Not always possible, I know). I think it is necessary to check the negative thoughts against reality as far as possible. Be careful to make fair comparisons - e.g. your performance compared to someone of similar experience rather than someone who has been in the job for years.
2) If the negative thoughts are not based in reality, then they are just thoughts. They cannot be suppressed but they can be allowed to flit through the mind and then pass. Just watch when they occur and let them go - described to me by a Buddhist as like watching the traffic from a road bridge. Don't be distressed that the thoughts occur, just move on to the next, which will probably be happier and more constructive. I used to be a chronic ruminator - still am sometimes - but it is possible to do this.
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Post by prunesquallor on Aug 8, 2012 20:13:10 GMT
Sorry Timbo - didn't see your last post before I posted (browser glitch?). Reading it now.
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Post by prunesquallor on Aug 8, 2012 20:34:58 GMT
Hi Timbo;
now I've read it:-
It's good that you seem to have a supportive management. As well as blowing off steam, you should be able to ask them for more frequent feedback on how you are actually doing. Think about "accommodations" that could reasonably be provided. That you have "unknowingly" invented coping strategies is greatly to your credit - perhaps they can be a basis for showing your management what else you may need.
If you cannot remember mistakes you may have made, then you are likely to be overestimating them due to anxiety.
It's a tricky call whether to tell others in the company. I've not told any of my colleagues, though I suspect that there are a lot of people with assorted hidden disabilities in the workplace who would be relieved to be able to be open about them. FWIW I think it's may be bit early for you to do this in your situation.
5mg of MPH is a "starter dose" as far as I know, so I guess you are in the early stages of sorting out the best meds regime with your Dr. He/she should be able to help you find the best med and dosage over a few weeks or months - so I'd hang in there.
And you are not the "guy that fell apart" - you are the guy who faced up to a problem that many ignore in the hope that it will go away.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2012 6:12:23 GMT
Timbo, if you have a support group near you, get along to it.
And have a think about coaching - if cost is an issue, Phoenix regularly comes on looking for volunteers for free coaching to get her trainees qualified.
Lisablue mentioned CBT and NLP - these techniques are all about listening to our 'internal dialogue' - the way we talk to ourselves. Start listening to the way you talk to yourself - we tend not to listen actively to that, but react to it all the same, and we are generally our own worst critics. For an ADHDer, it can be like having a really negative person following us around dripping poison in our ears. It can get you down...
If you hear a negative message - like 'I make mistakes all the time' - listen to it more actively. Challenge it - ask yourself whether it's objectively true. Do you really? All the time? Always your fault? Important mistakes? Ones you never detect? And you do that more than you get things right? - that sort of thing. Get a better sense of proportion about the scale and significance of your problem.
If you do conclude that there's an area where you are cocking up more frequently, think carefully about where, in the process, your ADHD is causing you to trip up, and spend a bit of your creativity coming up with controls that address that weak spot.
And sometimes, it helps, with anxiety, to get the fear out and think coolly about the worst case scenario. When I worry about cocking up at work, I go into 'so what?' mode. So they sack me. I'd quickly run out of cash and have to sell the house and find rented, or worst case, move back to Scotland and live at my mother's. The wee one would have to go to a state school. I might not get such a well-paid job, so won't enjoy the same standard of living. But I'll still have my daughter, who is my sun and my moon, and nobody dies. So...I might get sacked. Fine. Worry about that when it happens, but for now, must get this latest cock-up sorted...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2012 23:14:45 GMT
Well advised Lisa I'm currently reading Get The Life you want by the Co founder of LNP Richard Bandler really works x Is it easy to read?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2012 23:24:02 GMT
I know I need to man up and move past the anxiety, but at times I just clam up and my mind panics. When I look to of made a mistake I think of every single possible outcome. As my manager knows it has helped the working relationship I have with her. It also does make it easier to ask her questions about anything and everything if I need too. With my parents being rubbish and my fiancé having such a busy career I don't want to rely on work being my outlet for these thoughts I go through. The couple of mates I have told don't know what to say. So, I feel lonely and back where I started. My only outlet for these thoughts and moments of anxiety is either this forum or myself!
Thank you to everyone that has given me advice in response to my thread. I really do appreciate it as I need someone to listen. If I can return the favour then let me know
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bobjones
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Post by bobjones on Aug 10, 2012 10:59:49 GMT
Again, your not alone. A couple of weeks ago I was shocked when a lecturer praised me for having a good idea.
I'm never happy with anything I do, I've taken to not doing things in place of producing something which I feel is substandard. Not so great in the world of work or academia.
Even in the face of compliments from clients, well executed jobs, good reviews and professional qualifications I still put my self down. I've even gone so far as to attempt to refuse a bonus because I felt the work I had done wasn't good enough. Yep I'm crap!
The only thing I can suggest is to define an acceptable outcome before you start a piece of work and monitor yourself against this. The response shoud be a yes or no. Did I achieve this?? Then give a reason, worked late, poor planning, started too late, etc. Record separate yes/no lists and stik them either side of your monitor. Over time you'll find it easier to identify what you need to do to create a posative outcome, yes list grows, no list shrinks.
This week I have actually considered making my self a star chart !!!!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2012 19:19:56 GMT
^ I have a sort-of-star-chart system, mostly just involves writing the tasks in a few words on bits of paper in bright colours and getting to stick them into my book of "look at all the stuff I did" if I do them. I did rescue all my star stickers though, they may be more suitable to my new system.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2012 15:41:58 GMT
I had a follow up with the Dr regarding my medication. She has increased the dose and am unsure whether it is making a difference.
After reading everyones response I think I need to find a support group/coach to keep in contact with to share how people coped.
Every time my mind wonders I come back to the same thing. Nothing has actually changed, but to me alot has changed and that is what I am struggling with.
How do people cope with anxiety or organising themselves? do you find that there is a particular person you struggle to communicate with?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2012 6:31:47 GMT
How do I cope with organising myself? Badly! I'm still chaos on legs, despite taking a fair whack of dex. It just fixes my emotional instability (last night's steam-out-of-ears post is what you get when I'm off my meds).
Anyone I can't communicate with? My current boss, for sure. She hates my 'challenging' behaviours (being massively last minute, forgetful, not delivering on things I can't get excited about) and she's unreasonable, and when I'm faced with her unreasonableness, I am always dumbstruck. In my half-year review, she asked me if I thought I'd made a contribution, and I just stared at her - because at the start of the year, my work had saved the company millions - literally, millions - in system change costs. Just for a start. But I didn't say that, and couldn't think of anything else to say, because it was clear that she thought I'd been sitting on my hands, rather than working my butt off.
I've had a couple of bosses like that over the years - people who got worked up about my inconsequential failures (one told me, after I'd worked into the small hours to deliver a blinding piece of work, that I'd failed to number the paragraphs; the other asked my two administrators, when I'd gone to lunch, to remove the staples from a stack of papers we'd put together, because they were brass and she thought silver looked better - and they had to make sure they lined up with the old holes!). I can't ever manage a relationship with someone who behaves like that, so I move on - and I'm about to do that again. Their loss.
More generally, I struggle with email communications - I don't always 'hear' how I'm coming across. I do hate reviewing what I've written - I'd much rather press 'send' and move on - but I've had to learn to do it when it's something I want to make sure hits the mark.
The time available when writing does help in some ways, though - I've had to work hard at not just saying the first thing that comes to mind when I'm angry - actually thinking about my mental state to see when I'm angry, or resentful, or being needy, or selfish - so that I can stop myself making the situation that's got me feeling like this worse, and instead of clattering on, I apply myself to the puzzle of how to express myself fairly but without complicating things with my emotional response. It's much harder when in a face-to-face environment though, coz you can't just park a draft while you simmer down.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2012 10:17:05 GMT
How do I cope with organising myself? Badly! I'm still chaos on legs, despite taking a fair whack of dex. It just fixes my emotional instability (last night's steam-out-of-ears post is what you get when I'm off my meds). Anyone I can't communicate with? My current boss, for sure. She hates my 'challenging' behaviours (being massively last minute, forgetful, not delivering on things I can't get excited about) and she's unreasonable, and when I'm faced with her unreasonableness, I am always dumbstruck. In my half-year review, she asked me if I thought I'd made a contribution, and I just stared at her - because at the start of the year, my work had saved the company millions - literally, millions - in system change costs. Just for a start. But I didn't say that, and couldn't think of anything else to say, because it was clear that she thought I'd been sitting on my hands, rather than working my butt off. I've had a couple of bosses like that over the years - people who got worked up about my inconsequential failures (one told me, after I'd worked into the small hours to deliver a blinding piece of work, that I'd failed to number the paragraphs; the other asked my two administrators, when I'd gone to lunch, to remove the staples from a stack of papers we'd put together, because they were brass and she thought silver looked better - and they had to make sure they lined up with the old holes!). I can't ever manage a relationship with someone who behaves like that, so I move on - and I'm about to do that again. Their loss. More generally, I struggle with email communications - I don't always 'hear' how I'm coming across. I do hate reviewing what I've written - I'd much rather press 'send' and move on - but I've had to learn to do it when it's something I want to make sure hits the mark. The time available when writing does help in some ways, though - I've had to work hard at not just saying the first thing that comes to mind when I'm angry - actually thinking about my mental state to see when I'm angry, or resentful, or being needy, or selfish - so that I can stop myself making the situation that's got me feeling like this worse, and instead of clattering on, I apply myself to the puzzle of how to express myself fairly but without complicating things with my emotional response. It's much harder when in a face-to-face environment though, coz you can't just park a draft while you simmer down. I've told my immediate boss and she is understanding in what I am going through. As I work for a training company my top boss/trainer is just the same as yours and feel as though if I was to tell him joined with my lack of being able to explain would sink like a lead balloon. I have the support of a couple of work colleagues that if I want to sound out then I can. I work as an event organiser so being creative and thinking outside of the box is part of my job. The other half, which is working to deadlines can be challenging. Like you typing whats going on in my head has been a massive support that others cannot provide as they cannot comprehend all that goes on in our heads. What were other peoples thoughts and feelings they went through when they were diagnosed?
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