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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2012 18:56:07 GMT
hi, just wanna kinda introduce myself as I'm new to this... i have a husband who has adhd and thought this would be the best place to get some support really and to try and understand what adhd is all about!
If I'm being honest, i didn't really use to believe in adhd...i thought it was an excuse for being unruly. Clearly this is not the case! the reason i have thought this is because i feel my husband uses his ADHD as an excuse...for everything! he said the other day, he ran a red light because of his adhd...?! this clearly is wrong and knows its wrong! but i feel this is an excuse? say he murdered someone...? because he had adhd, that would be okay?! sorry to sound so harsh...im just really trying to understand his thought process!
what i find hard to understand is where the adhd starts and where traits of his personality end?! which is which?
He speaks to me like a complete idiot sometimes...very manipulative, almost preach like and will be very abusive towards me calling me allssorts of names...this he does not apologise for as he says its his adhd? surely he can apologise for speaking out of line to me regardless of having adhd or not?!
sorry for the rant! the bottom line is, i love my husband very much, he has always been diagnosed with adhd so within the 6 yrs of being together i have always been aware of his condition. he has been on concerta for a few months now but as he works abroad he has to stop and start his meds. we have enrolled in counselling which is a great help, as we can really get things off our chests as sometimes at home...when he has his 'episodes' he locks himself in our 2nd bedroom and we barely speak....and this could go on for days/weeks. This hasn't happened since the counselling (which we started only 3 weeks ago) but we both believe that i need to understand the way he is before we can deal with it and live a happy and harmonious life together!
thanks in advance forum!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2012 20:47:48 GMT
ADHD is an explanation for many things (it makes my impulses trump my better judgment sometimes) and can therefore be a mitigation. And it's great to be with someone who can understand where your weaknesses are, and be ready to recognise when we might not be showing the world our best side.
But it's not an excuse.
My ADHD weakens my ability to conquer and control my bad behaviour, it's true - but it's still my bad behaviour - nobody forces me to misbehave but me. My greed, my selfishness, my lack of consideration, or forethought, my anger and intolerance...they win more than I want them to; but I still don't have to be any of those things, ADHD or not. I could be a better person, and I fight to be a better person - I fight my greed, my selfishness, and my ADHD.
We all know it's against the law, and bloody dangerous to run a red, but sometimes, we've made ourselves late and we give in to the idiotic urge to avoid a wait of - what - 60 seconds of a journey? So we run reds. Doesn't make it right, though, and if I ever get caught doing it, I'll take the fine and the points, and hopefully, I'll not have injured someone in the process.
We all know it's unkind and unnecessary to be rude to the people we love. Sometimes, our mouth is moving before we can stop it from voicing the thought that we know, on reflection, would have been better left unspoken - you can't take a hurt back, and if it cuts deep enough, it'll leave a mark where there should never be a blemish. So when my mouth and brain let me and my partner down, I say sorry, knowing the best I can hope for is that by saying sorry, and admitting my fault, I might help the wound heal more quickly.
It's time yer man grew up a bit and started to take responsibility for the whole person he is.
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Post by odat on Sept 17, 2012 5:38:10 GMT
Well said Shiny.
Wifey - your husband is using his ADHD as an exccuse in dangerous and abusive ways. I hope these issues will be brought up in your therapy session.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2012 8:39:53 GMT
Well running a red light, yes I do that, because the red light just doesn´t always register. I see it but it doesn´t always mean anything to me.
It´s good that you are both going to counselling, meds don´t work for everyone, and whilst they can improve some aspects for some people, they are not a cure all, it´s not the same for everyone.
So in addition he needs to learn to modify his own behaviour and accept responsibility for it and apologise when needed.
I hope this helps,
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2012 17:53:16 GMT
thankyou to all the replies! i want to understand my husband more! i just want us to be happy ! if he did apologise more i would be more forgiving! yes , we have brought most things up in our counselling, so hopefully we will get there eventually. we love each other very much, but when things are bad, they're extremely bad, so bad that i consider leaving. this is something i do not want! so all advice greatly appreciated - i understand he's not all to blame,so i need to look into ways of overcoming some situations i could diffuse. although i feel he's allays the one blaming me? is this an adhd trait? or am i just to blame?! thanks to you all!
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Post by boo on Sept 17, 2012 18:53:18 GMT
running a red light... yep, that and sitting at green ones!
running away with your mouth without brain engaging.... yep
being blameless for anything and everything cos of adhd..... no no no no no!
adhd is not a get out of jail free card, "dont blame me its my adhd!"
there are behaviours that are due to adhd, there are things that happen that can be totally out of my hands at times, and there is also an ability to see that sometimes i can act like a complete muppet and apologise......
my partner and i have ups and downs like anyone else out there, my adhd is not something i trump him with to allow me to duck out of the responsibility of my actions and words, no more than it is something i expect him to throw at me as an easy beating stick when things dont go his way....
basically i agree wth the others here, please dont put up with stuff you dont have to, because you "feel you should",
at the end of the day, (in my opinion) you're not going to do yourself or your hubby any favours going down that route..... and it can be a long way back......
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2012 20:40:27 GMT
I used to blame others a lot - it was a deep-seated defence mechanism, because it's bloody painful in the head to have to admit to yourself on a daily basis that you're a systematic cock-up merchant when you're supposed to be ever so skilful and clever. Much easier to make my failures somebody else's fault. I got good at it, too, because I'm clever, and could win arguments by twisting things around.
I still hear myself starting down that route, even now, but knowing that it's what I do has made me more able to spot it and stop it.
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Post by odat on Sept 17, 2012 22:00:23 GMT
thankyou to all the replies! i want to understand my husband more! i just want us to be happy ! if he did apologise more i would be more forgiving! yes , we have brought most things up in our counselling, so hopefully we will get there eventually. we love each other very much, but when things are bad, they're extremely bad, so bad that i consider leaving. this is something i do not want! so all advice greatly appreciated - i understand he's not all to blame,so i need to look into ways of overcoming some situations i could diffuse. although i feel he's allays the one blaming me? is this an adhd trait? or am i just to blame?! thanks to you all! No you are not to blame. I worry about your situation actually. I'd say your husband is to blame for a lot of the abuse - and you've done nothing wrong. Yep, there's two sides to every story but the fact that it's you who has come here looking for support as opposed to him says a lot.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2012 18:47:53 GMT
well my husband used to spend a lot of his time on here, so it was him who suggested i use a forum for support...my main problem i need to overcome is to understand him! and to try and hep our situations, not make them worse, i feel as tho i do make them worse sometimes, and he has said that he is the way he is because of me sometimes. So id like to address those issues...thanks everyone.
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Post by odat on Sept 18, 2012 21:47:33 GMT
Hmm fair enough then but if a ADHDer came on here and said their ADHD was the reason they abused their partner, they'd be given a short shrift. It's inexcusable. It's great you see your part in things but blaming other people for your actions is a somewhat debatable topic. Perhaps if you gave examples, we may identify ADHD triggers but it really depends on the situation and two people being responsible for their own actions makes for a healthy relationship. Good luck to you and your husband
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garys233
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Rules to live your Life by If you dont eat you dont Sh** If you dont SH** you die
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Post by garys233 on Sept 19, 2012 23:50:44 GMT
Does he no that he can take his meds away with him but it's best to check with place he is going it's not an excuse and I wood never say that it was but as sumone woo has or may have and has and maybe do a little again but not as bad BUT HOPEFULLY WON'T tho
But back in the past I never new the words comming out ware having affects on others unless it was ment to
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lisablue
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Post by lisablue on Sept 20, 2012 13:26:00 GMT
Hiya,
Can't say too much more because you have had some well good replies...buuuuutttttt...manipulative I would say does not come under the umbrella of ADHD symptoms! Also not saying sorry is not part of ADHD..trust me when I tell you I am forever saying sorry. I may not be able to control my mouth at times...but when I know I have done wrong I cant be more sorry! I get the jumping red lights thing...and Boo's comment at sitting at green lights (ILMAO). I had to stop driving I was so bad...getting from a to b just was awful...it wasnt unusual for me to jump red lights, cut people up, not indicating, speeding, and hailing abuse at anyone who dare do the same! Sooo I sold my car! Glad your going counselling, but more for him to get in his head HE is responsible for his actions, and he CAN be a loving and supportive partner with or without ADHD! I'd say he's pushing his luck...bad lad!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2012 19:27:05 GMT
Thankyou to all. he was diagnosed at an early age, but i think he is still learning about adhd aswell...so i appreciate it must be so difficult for him. But i do feel as tho he uses his adhd as an excuse for most things. I say to him as a human being, you know how to be nice or not? but he just says that i dont understand, then shuts himself off from me. how am i ever going to understand?! adhd is different for different people right? thanks for all your great replies.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2012 23:18:01 GMT
You could always show him some of our replies...
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Post by Guest on Sept 28, 2012 6:47:20 GMT
I heard a radio programme about ADHD 6 months ago and it was a real light-bulb moment, as it described my husband of 30 years exactly. Since then I have read as much as possible about it. Have you read "Is it you, me or Adutl ADHD?" You can find it on Amazon. It focuses on the partners of ADHD sufferers. I underlined every comment which described exactly how I felt - about 50% of the book is now underlined! The sentence I remember most is - "ADHD is an explanation for bad behaviour - it is not an excuse for it." I have yet to discuss my findings with my husband as he has a huge stigma about any mental health issue. But understanding the underlying problems has enabled me to cope much better with his difficult behaviour. I do not take it so personally now, which stops me getting so upset (most of the time). I would welcome the chance to chat regularly with partners of other ADHD adults. A suggestion: When your husband uses his ADHD to justify/excuse his bad behaviour, perhaps you should use your non-ADHD to justify/excuse your response. Eg, if he starts to verbally abuse you (I know just how soul-destroying this is), you could interrupt and say that because you don't have ADHD you know you don't have to listen to him and walk away. He will hate you for it and explode the first couple of times, but may well then begin to learn the "rules" of living in a predominantly non-ADHD world!
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Post by boo on Sept 28, 2012 15:46:59 GMT
Eg, if he starts to verbally abuse you (I know just how soul-destroying this is), you could interrupt and say that because you don't have ADHD you know you don't have to listen to him and walk away. He will hate you for it and explode the first couple of times, but may well then begin to learn the "rules" of living in a predominantly non-ADHD world! yes...let's all learn to live by the rules laid down to us by the NT world !!!!! sorry, but while i do not and would never condone anybody being abusive, verbally or otherwise/ADHD or not, i think this last comment is really quite insular, and exactly why sometimes, people with ADHD, or similar nero diverse conditions can feel isolated and stigmatised and most definitely on the defensive......
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2012 17:31:28 GMT
I'd disagree with that.
Until an ADHDer manages to see the difference between themselves and themselves with ADHD (usually achieved with treatment) then you never know if it's them or the ADHD talking.
If they're still an arse when the treatment is working then they're just an arse.
Get him treated.
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Post by boo on Sept 28, 2012 18:59:09 GMT
i think i agree with both of you tbh.... if not treating people with respect and civility is "excused" with, "it's my adhd", in any way shape or form*, then personally i feel it is exactly that, an excuse! * edited to add, if its said with absolutely no desire to make changes even if you know your behaviour causes hurt to someone else and there is no remorse or feeling of wanting to make amends or put things right if you are not aware, as adhders often aren't, of the behaviour and just how hurtful and sometimes downright spiteful it can be, then yes, i would agree with PD, and again agreeing with PD, treatment, and a more acute self awareness once recognising the condition, can be of great help... .... however, the OP states (i think) that her OH was dx quite early on, and therefore has had a long time to understand the impact of his behaviour, and yet still feels quite justified in saying, "it's my adhd.... deal with it" (or what seems to be words to that effect) and on this basis, i have to agree with Odat I look back at my younger years and realise there were many things that i would dearly love to turn the clock back on, but i also recognise much of my hurtful behaviour was born out of a lack of understanding, both of me as a person, and what was making me hurt so badly and lash out so terribly i do still take great exception to Guests comments, whereby we are supposed to "learn the rules!" I would also like to point out that only someone with very little understanding of the condition would suggest a "talk to the hand, cos i havent got adhd, and I am able to not listen, and that makes me better than you" approach..... a far better approach (IMO) would be to wait until any anger from the adhder has subsided, and try and talk to them and explain to them about how this affects you as the recipient of such anger and hurtful words and try and resolve them togetherI can honestly say, if i had been "stopped" mid-rant during an adhd "moment", with something along the lines of HA! i can walk away cos i aint got adhd... it would not have served any good whatsoever, and would most certainly have added fuel to my already burning brightly fire i am not proud of some of the angry outbursts i have suffered in my life... yes.... suffered, and it is suffering when you "awaken" from an adhd rant and realise just how off the scale you have been, the shame, guilt, remorse and above all the feeling of not being in control and not even knowing what you might have said and done, is immeasurable... so please please please guest........ do not offer the advice of making sure the adhder learns to live by the NT rules...... cos, as shitty as it may sound, i for one, dont want to live by them..... not when they are forced and thrust upon me, like i am some sort of animal that needs to be tamed and broken I will curtail my behaviour, and i will apologise when i have been unforgivably horrible, or even forgivably horrible, but i will not be told i should live my life as you deem fit!!!!!!
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green
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Post by green on Sept 28, 2012 19:10:05 GMT
I agree with boo, couldn't have put it better myself.
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