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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2012 12:55:02 GMT
Hi all, I'm new here and I have only just in the last few days discovered about Adult ADHD and feel like it explains me. I'm 38, male, above average intelligence and did OK in school, and college (although I was always being described as not applying myself) and dropped out of Uni twice after just not attending lectures or doing assignments despite feeling really low about this. I was addicted to base speed for a while but managed to stop before I ruined my life, then addicted to fruit machines and had to move back in with my parents in my mid 20's in order to get some control over my life.
I have a history of leaving jobs and relationships for reasons I feel passionately about at the time but can't remember now, but despite this I have been married to my lovely wife for 5 years and have been together for 10. We've been through relationship councelling due to my temper and frustration at what I saw as her not putting in enough effort to get our lives on track, I have been feeling upset and in turmoil for at least 5 years as we just can't seem to get on top of things; and have a failed business which plunged us into £58k of debt and I am eternally grateful to my parents for helping me with this situation and we have been on top of interest repayments etc for 2 years now. I have a job which I'm excellent at, but terrible at the simple paperwork bits. Last year I got an 18 month written warning as the result of carelessness in posting something with data protection implications. My team leader was fantastic as he knows I am one of the most valuable members of the team. Despite this any small incident could have resulted in my losing my job, and I think I'm lucky to have found a job I enjoy and can focus on. We've put off having children as I have been terrified of not being able to cope. We are now trying for children and I'm still terrified.
Basically I feel certain i have ADHD, and so does my wife. I was so emotional the day after I found out I took a day off work to go and speak to my family.
But I'm functional (kinda), I was suicidal with depression in 1999 and I look back and see how much better off I am now.
So is it worth seeking a diagnosis? I feel I need one, I'm diabetic on insulin and I now realise for the first time in my life why I only ever achieve short term control of this condition when I have a period of super focusing on it.
I'd love to be able to stop procrastinating, I have to re-apply for my driving license every two years and once drove without one for 6 months because I couldn't fill in the form (hating myself all the time).
I once turned up for a court hearing that I had brought against a third party 30 minutes late (they found in his favour because I was absent) so this does effect my life but I realise others are worse off.
I feel like I have a reason, or an explanation for so many events in my life and hopefully this understanding will help me going forward; but I also feel that if I could get a diagnosis meds may be the thing that makes me more normal.
But it seems so hard to get diagnosed, and stimulants would be problematic due to my previous addiction and blood pressure problems.
Then after 3 days of never feeling so clear about who I am in all my life I'm now doubting myself, am I looking at an ink splot and seeing a butterfly? I scored very high on an online ADHD test, but I know this isn't conclusive; I actually feel like I want to be ADHD as it gives me hope because I've been trying to just try harder for 5 years and it just doesn't work.
I'm sorry for the long post but your thoughts and input would really be appreciated.
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Post by Lesley on Nov 10, 2012 20:52:12 GMT
Is it worth seeking a diagnosis?
Yes, definitely.
Reason number 1 - there is more than enough in what you have written about your life to make ADHD a very real possibility and to justify seeking a diagnosis.
Reason number 2 - the diagnosis in itself makes a difference. I was diagnosed 5 months ago and am yet to start medication (that will come next month, I hope), but I have found the diagnosis in itself a great help. (A), because I have been able to stop blaming myself and feeling shame about the things I do or, more often, don't do (not completely, but once you know there is a reason, you can start working towards getting rid of the shame). And, (B), because I now know for certain that I need to look for ways to organise my life which will actually work for me because they are designed for the way my mind works, not some super-organised normal person's mind.
... I realise others are worse off.
If you're struggling, which you clearly are, then you are entitled to seek help with your struggles. My diagnosis is of mild ADHD, I'm also of above average intelligence and had a good, if not outstanding, work record (I'm recently retired), and just about everyone else I meet or read about (including you) sounds as if they are worse off than me - but my struggles are still real and, as I said above, the diagnosis has helped - and I'm hoping that medication will help even more. And diagnosis and treatment will make a difference not just to you, but to your wife, your parents ...
I suspect that the "I'm not worthy of help" reaction is itself an ADHD trait - others on this forum may know if that is the case.
But it seems so hard to get diagnosed.
It may well be, unless you are very lucky with your GP and your PCT. Link up with a local support group, if there is one, read the advice on this forum and ask for any other advice you think you need, and go to your GP well prepared. And be prepared to fight. It sounds like you will have your wife as an ally in that, which is a great plus. (But equally don't assume you will have to fight. You don't want to alienate your GP if they are open-minded and inclined to take you seriously).
... I'm now doubting myself, am I looking at an ink splot and seeing a butterfly?
Probably something most, if not all, of us have shared on the way to diagnosis. Again, find a support group and go along and meet other people with ADHD. And read everything you can about it, online and in books - especially those that talk about what it's actually like to live with it i.e. personal accounts and case studies rather than more theoretical discussions. If you keep recognising yourself, that will strengthen your resolve and give you ammunition.
... I actually feel like I want to be ADHD ...
Well, why wouldn't you? It's got to be better than having the problems you describe and not being ADHD. This is blame and shame creeping in again - "I'm making excuses, I'm really just lazy/careless/whatever". No, you're not - there's a reason for the way you are, and you are on your way to finding out what it is.
Good luck.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2012 23:06:13 GMT
Thank You.
I only found out less than a week ago that I may have ADHD and I needed to hear exactly what you just wrote. I just cried reading a reply from someone who understands, a big deal. I'll get to a support group, and speak to my GP and or Diabetes Nurse about a referral.
Thanks again, that reply meant a lot to me.
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jdog
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Post by jdog on Nov 12, 2012 23:09:24 GMT
Hi Peekay, Good reply already but thought I would add my experiences. I am 41. My wife said to me in February this year that she was concerned about me. This followed recent work, business and personal problems there was a pattern of procrastination, frustration, depression, underachievement and a chaotic lifestyle (list goes on ;D). She actually said that she had been looking things up and thought that I had ADD (mentally but not physically hyperactive, hence no H). I also did the online tests and scored very highly. She was worried that I would be upset but actually I was relieved. I bought ADD books from Amazon and then looked up as much stuff as possible. I also found this website and forum, which has been very helpful. I contacted my GP and explained that I thought I might have ADD. She didn't believe me and said it was very "nebulous". (Vague/airy fairy). and sent me away. I then wrote a letter to her asking that she help me by referring me to an ADD specialist. In the end my wife also came with me and laid it on thick about how frustrated I was and that the ADD tag would make so much sense. To be fair the GP then referred me to the local Psychiatry clinic. I went in (6months after) and talked a lot about things that had happened, relevant to ADD, including my creativity and positive things that had happened. The first diagnosis was not ADD but Bi-Polar 2. There was a lot of questioning about my bouts of depression (life events - post divorce, bereavement, career changes etc). I wasn’t comfortable with the Bi-Polar 2 dx but went away and again looked it up so at the next appointment I knew what I was talking about. This time it was a different specialist and she was a bit more open to discussion. A lot of the adult ADHD patients that the psychiatrists see (at least those local to me) have severe social problems and have been in trouble with the police, drugs, addiction etc. So they do see ADHD patients but not airy fairy nebulous ones…..like me. When I questioned this (with a lot of info from this website) we discussed that Mental Health issues are not as simple as a strict diagnosis. The idea of “Mild” ADD would have been dismissed even 10 years ago and then there was only 1 level of Severe Bi-Polar (classed as Severe Mania). Now they are looking at it that there is a “spectrum” of Mental Health Issues and ADHD and BiPolar are both along this spectrum. The idea of “Mild” ADD is quite new in the UK and I discussed (rightly or wrongly) with the specialist that the books and research I had read were all American. Perhaps some of the distrust with the British NHS over ADHD is that the American ADHD treatments are seen as a money making industry for the drug companies with private ADHD counsellors/Psychiatrists/Doctors over prescribing. For better or worse I did get an understanding that all Mental Health issues and the symptoms/causes are complex and possibly interlinked. Certainly the understanding of the way that the brain/mind works is evolving all the time. My next appointment is in December and I have more questions and thoughts. What I have found is that there is a journey and I now rationalise to myself if I am doing something "crazy" and am aware and stop myself. I have probably compensated for many years for the shortcomings in the way my mind works. At least now I can understand why I have felt there is something wrong and try to adapt myself accordingly. (This is a good website on the Bipolar Spectrum. www.psycheducation.org/depression/02_diagnosis.html)Going back to your own post and questions then you too have to go on that journey. Like me you have a loving and supportive wife and that will help hugely. I do suggest that you see your GP and ask for a referral to a Psychiatrist. If you look through the posts on this forum there is huge disparity around the country between ADD understanding and treatment options despite the NICE Directive. AND A LOT OF FRUSTRATION from the forum users. BiPolar 2 is more “mainstream” and as such is treated more quickly. It is also more scary. That is because it is linked to bouts of depression and increased potential for Suicidal thoughts. You mention in your post that at a time in your life you have been low and felt Suicidal. That is very honest and I both sympathise and empathise with you, hence the in depth post but be aware that it will probably push the clinical thinking towards BiPolar even though you might not feel like that now. BiPolar v ADD is perhaps not the best way to look at it but the way it has been explained to me is that there are great similarities in symptoms but also differences in the causes and the Chemical Imbalances in the brain. This leads to differences in treatments and individual coping mechanisms. You have already tried and been addicted to Speed and treatment for ADD for kids (not readily available to adults) is Amphetamine based such as Ritalin. There is anecdotal evidence of it switching the brain into gear, projects line up ready to be completed and the chaos calms down. For BiPolar 1 and 2 the medication (eg Lithium or Quitapeine) seems to slow the brain down and limits the heights of the highs and depth of the lows. There are also side effects for medications for both disorders and they can be severe. Taking an Amphetamine for BiPolar is supposed to be very damaging, whereas it is helpful for an ADD mind. I have never taken Speed or Cocaine so I don’t know. For both there is talk about coping strategies and nutrition but being aware that there is in fact a problem with the way your brain works is in itself helpful. I now accept that I light up like fairy lights with praise and criticism affects me very badly. I also worked through a project by using a kitchen timer to work in short bursts and cut out distractions like the internet on my computer and even a window to look out of I hope that helps. It is strange how life works and about 2 weeks into my own journey by chance I was listening to Radio 4 programme Medical Matters and heard people with ADD being interviewed and I found myself crying because it made so much sense. I managed to find it and have copied the link. www.podcast-directory.co.uk/episodes/medmatters-inside-health-aspirin-sick-on-hols-adhd-17756057.htmlGood Luck
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2012 14:06:19 GMT
Thanks again for the very detailed reply, I appreciate your time and effort in replying so fully. I think you're quite right about bipolar being a possible reason, and when I was depressed (nearly 13 years ago now) there was elements of bipolar disorder at the beginning; however having been there I can say that although that may be something I have sufferred from and maybe still have to a degree if the potential never leaves you the symptoms I have currently feel different; and having spend the last week researching (read a couple of e-books already) i believe strongly I have ADHD, with a small 'H'. I'm very fortunate in that we have an excellent support group here in Liverpool, and I have made contact with them and have an appointment next week; they are more than a support group actually they have said they can send someone to accompany me to a GP appointment to ensure my GP is aware that a referral is possible. I feel I am able move forward and try to work with this condition and find solutions rather than just beat myself up and 'try harder next time'
I am aware about the abuse potential of stimulant based meds (Read Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation and Sequel when I was depressed, for some reason it helped a lot) but I honestly do not think I would be tempted to take in any way other than as intended; I may have been an addict but I stopped using altogether before many of my friends stopped using recreationally and have been around them at parties etc and never been remotely tempted.
A bigger problem for me IF I ever get a DX in terms of meds would be my diabetes and the retinopathy which is being heavily monitored at the moment and although not an issue it could be with an increase in blood pressure.
Meds aren't the only option though so I still have decided to move forward without expectation to try and get a diagnosis, for one thing it's been hard to try and explain to people that this is something I have but have no diagnosis of.
I will certainly listen to the podcast, I'm in work currently so can't right now, I presume you are aware but I too am 'emotionally open' and cry more frequently than any man I know, and I'm quite sure this is also a symptom, known as emotional impulsiveness.
Until I read about ADHD I would never have linked my short temper and propensity to cry at the drop of a hat when the heart strings are being pulled at by even the most cheesy stuff on tv!
thanks agaoin for the reply, in terms of your own dx don't forget it's quite possible to have both ADHD and bipolar disorder! Although the idea of degrees of these conditions is certainly a very valid point
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jdog
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Post by jdog on Nov 15, 2012 18:29:31 GMT
Cheers Peekay.
I agree with the ADhD. There is a lot that I empathise with about the mind racing and being hyperactive rather than the body and then getting tired, running out of energy. Then the more you read about it other moods and parts of your personality also slot into place linking to the ADD.
This Spectrum Band of BiPolar and with ADD being interlinked does make sense to me and is part of whatever journey I am on. As I said the realisation and acceptance that there is something wrong was a relief.
The treatment with Meds or Counselling is obviously different. Like me you have learnt to compensate and it sounds like you have come through a lot before realising there are reasons for the way life events have gone. So in a better place than you have been. I know I am.
It is great that you are in a place with such a strong support network. I am actually from Liverpool but moved away about 6 years ago. So make the most of that.
Good Luck
J
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jdog
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Post by jdog on Nov 15, 2012 18:37:53 GMT
Here is another link for you. I watched this with my wife and then my mum. It is the "American" way but a good way to describe things.
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azz
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Post by azz on Nov 20, 2012 12:37:07 GMT
Just logged in for a rare look at the forum (I surf soooo much less now that I have a diagnosis and meds).
Please, DO NOT let anyone diagnose you for depression who isn't also qualified in ADHD. They tried to tell me I was depressed, which was ridiculous. I get depressed because I'm a failure, not vice versa. The depression is a symptom for me, of the fact that I can't sort my life out.
The best thing I ever did was say, 'no, I want to see a specialist'. I mean someone with ADHD on their CV, not a general psych. The Psych I saw basically diagnosed me on the basis that it was statistically unlikely that I would have it.
If your parents have been helpful before, discuss it with them- about £500 should get you a private diagnosis from a specialist (I recommend Dr Sally Cubbin) and then you'll know for sure whether it's ADHD.
I have still not fully sorted my life out but in 18 months I have done more than in the previous 10 years with the help of ritalin.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2012 20:44:37 GMT
I could have written every word of that.
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mary
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Post by mary on Dec 9, 2012 15:14:06 GMT
Just logged in for a rare look at the forum (I surf soooo much less now that I have a diagnosis and meds). Please, DO NOT let anyone diagnose you for depression who isn't also qualified in ADHD. They tried to tell me I was depressed, which was ridiculous. I get depressed because I'm a failure, not vice versa. The depression is a symptom for me, of the fact that I can't sort my life out. . hi i know this is not my post but i just wanted to ask a question. my GP delayed my refferal because he thinks i could have depression. how do i convince him i don't have depression. he seemed to think the fact that i don't live with my dad has anything to do with my symptoms. which is crazy since i hardly think about my dad
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2012 21:23:43 GMT
If you are showing enough symptoms to justify an assessment, he must refer you. It's not his job to assess your ADHD symptoms and decide they're due to depression.
Most of us have suffered some kind of anxiety/depression comorbid with our ADHD. When I finally 'decompensated' in my 40s after having a child. I suffered a series of stress meltdowns and had a succession of therapies and spells on anti-depressants. I was beginning to think seriously about suicide when I finally had my lightbulb moment - I found my life of failure and stress intolerable - and since that lightbulb moment, I have never been depressed again. I've had periods of low mood, yes, because my personal life has been tricky, but I haven't ever felt that bleak emptiness where I couldn't look forward to a time when things would be better.
For most of us, having undiagnosed ADHD is pretty depressing. Nobody wants to spend their life failing and not understanding why it happens. Feeling that if we just worked out how, we could do better. That's torture.
Get him to give you your referral. What's he going to lose?
This is your life he's messing with.
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