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Post by jan on Jan 23, 2013 11:01:35 GMT
I'm cracking up - don't know what to do or who to ask for help. Feel frightened to post this cos feel adder's on this site will be offended, i have posted different things few times and havn't had much response - feel like everyone on here thinks i talk shit!
I have 18 year old daughter with (severe) adhd, she wasn't diagnosed until she was 14 and we didn't get much help after that! her diagnosis doesn't seem to be as detailed a process as people talk about on here - maybe thats cos she was still child? we started seeing family therapist at chams because of problems at school and home and after few sessions therapist says think she's got adhd made us appointment with pshyciatrist , saw her, given medication (concerta) and brief leaflet about adhd and that was it!
suppose i should of prob started researching it myself but I didn't we had so much going on at time truanting, exclusion, involvement in gangs, police, leaving house in middle of night and going out, getting drunk all usual deviant teen behaviour i suppose, then a violent relationship, I was run ragged with it all and am lone parent as well, dad never been in picture and no family around either. I did try few times but was so bad at computers and got completely confused going from one site to another so much information i just couldn't take it all in. left 2 messages at numbers for support groups but at time they didn't get back to me and i forgot all about it i was suffering badly with depression and anxiety by this time as well. Of course now i have realised that i have it also and that has made things so much more difficult, with the memory and organisation etc.
god this is getting too long now isn't it . she wouldnt take the meds she has fear of swallowing tablets and basically she does nothing to address her condition! I have been trying to support her for so long now I feel like i've had enough! basically i have spent years running around trying to sort all her mistakes, find info to help her ie spent 2 years nagging my doctor to refer her to homeopathic hospital to see adhd specialist managed it went to appointment with her got the med - she took it once -that was it!.
Honestly it would take forever to list all that i've done while she constantly does nothing or verbally attacks me for nagging her or blames me for everything that goe's wrong in her life. she's coming to the end of a very basic college course now her attendence has been less than 50% and she only has to be there 2 and half days week. she has a disciplinary meeting coming up because of her attitude with teachers (iv'e arranged representation about that) i don't know if everyone with adhd also has oppositional defiance disorder (i don't) but i wonder if she has that as well?
She's constantly swearing at me and kicking off, thank god she's in bed most of time or out, I dread her coming home I understand she's depressed but is only addressing this with alcohol and skunk! I just can't parent her anymore I really can't but what do I do? where can she go? we live in london, does anyone know of any housing schemes for vulnerable adults? surely thats what she'd be classed as.? I can't just kick her out with nowhere to go but I just can't keep on living like this! I know it sounds selfish but I just want my life back, we are going to end up hating each other if we go on like this I just don't know where to go from here.
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Post by DKL - darkknightslover on Jan 23, 2013 11:45:31 GMT
Go back to your GP. It's not a homeopathic hospital you want, it's a psychiatric referral. If GP refuses to play ball, see another GP and/or get in touch with Patient Advice Liaison Service.
Have a sit down discussion with your daughter if you can, or write her a letter that she can take her time digesting. In it do not nag or lecture. If she feels part of the decision making she will be far more likely to take part in her own treatment. Do read up on ADHD. There are a number of books on it. I personally have Dr Edward Hallowell's Driven to Distraction and Answers to Distraction books. Encourage her to read them too, but don't thrust them down her throat. They are good at explaining what ADHD is, some practical advice, and other conditions that are common "comorbidities" (conditions that often occur together - not anything to do with death!) With ADHD, such as Oppositional Defiance Disorder, dyslexia (and other dys's), anxiety, depression and others.
You will need to explain to your daughter that however she feels about the past, it is important but you can deal with that at some later point. First the best way you can deal with the current situation is to get expert help - this will most likely involve drugs but there might be alternative methods to tablets. Even NICE who don't like to involve drugs if they can possibly help it, have looked at all the evidence and say the best way to help an ADHDer is to medicate them and then to look at other therapies. No point in helping a brain until it's in a condition in which it's easier to help.
Explain to the college what you are doing. Try to get them on board, they might be able to help with counsellors.
If your daughter starts to feel threatened by feeling she is being told what to do, back off a bit on the actions and ask her how she feels about what is going on at that time. The more on board she is, the more successful any journey is going to be.
A vulnerable adult can only be given that status by a healthcare professional. With ADHD the most important thing is setting up a structure - something which is easier to do when living with other people, but especially in your case must be freely agreed upon by both parties.
Feel free to PM me if you wish to talk further over skype. I'm not a parent but happen to be good at explaining things and have easy access to medical information.
Sent from my GT-I9000 using proboards
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Post by Kathymel on Jan 23, 2013 13:09:57 GMT
Hi Janev.
You sound completely run ragged. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, it's hard enough managing your own life with this disorder, let alone having to cope with someone who's completely out of control.
Don't blame yourself for this situation, it just is what it is. I am only recently on the path to my own and my son's diagnosis (nowhere near as extreme as yours), so my ability to support/advise will be limited, but please feel free to get in touch if you want to chat. Kx
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Post by jan on Jan 24, 2013 8:47:17 GMT
thanks for reply darknightslover and kathymel. I was really down yesrerday as she'd kicked off again night before, feeling more togethet today but really helped reading your replys last night, always feel so alone with all this as friends that have just don't get it really and think add is load of bollocks (even though they don't actually say that).
I have tried to educate her as i've been going along educating myself, took her to the addis confrence in october, bought loads of books (which she hasn.t bothered reading ) including succeeding with adult adhd - (abigail levrini) and delivered from distraction (edward hallowell) add frindly ways to organise your life (judith kolberg) amongst others. Got loads news letters from addis and have taken her to addis office to talk to them there few times (its them that are helping to represent her at college disciplinary next month
Have also taken her to few of the simply well being expert adhd talks that are on once month in london and have had meeting in college. explained add to them especially difference with girls, as they didnt have a clue which resulted in the college giving whole dept training in add which doesn't unfortunately seem to have made any difference to the teachers understanding and i think they all think its bollocks as well and now i have made a complaint that the training was not comprehensiive enough and am waiting to hear their response. Have also got her a mentor from sen dept at college and she is supposed to see her at end of every day when she's there but she just forgets and doesn't go. Have emailed the mentor and explained that she will forget and could she go to her but she hasn't done so and hasn't replied'
.And have got her someone who is paid to sit with her in class and help her with her work although understandably they are getting pissed off as they are paying this person and then a lot of the time my daughter doesn't turn up!
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Post by jan on Jan 24, 2013 9:14:25 GMT
dint know what happened then must of pressed something and hadn't finished' as was saying re homeopathic med tried that as would be easy to swallow but she wouldn't take it anyway. I understand that she needs to be on meds I have bucketsfull of it here but she wont take it.
She has appointment coming up at complex care team as when she was discharged from cahms there is no adult adhd service in our area and her psychiatrist said she thinks that would be best option but its with a psychologist not psychiatrist so am preparing to go to that with her and insist on refer all to the maudsley. (unfortunately after months of phone calls trying to sort that appointment i got day wrong and we missed it!!!! so waiting for another one now! but then i think whats the point if we sort counseling out from it she wont go! am just hoping by the time she gets seen at the maudsley once i nag them into the refer all she'll be going on 20 and hopefully will have started to take responsibility for herself by then!
I am just exhausted with it all I really don't want to live with her anymore its not even all the sorting i do for her that have just talked about as well as lost phones lost oysters lost money lost student id cards - i understand all that have had all those prob myself and still do sometimes its the constant arguing and personal attacks and shouting and swearing at me and blame that she puts on me saying all that i just couldn't kick her out - without me she's got no one. when she sees the psychologist can they say she's vulnerable adult? i have no idea how to Skye by the way.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2013 1:05:05 GMT
What a nightmare. I am a parent too but I have no idea what I'd do in your situation. Absolutely no idea. I hope the day never comes.
Looking at it objectively for a moment, it sounds like she doesn't want to be helped? Maybe she doesn't believe she has a problem? Sounds like you have the patience of a saint though and maybe she doesn't realise how lucky she is sometimes. I dunno if you've tried it but would some sort of mediator help her to talk to you, perhaps?
As an aside, I happened upon a short story called 'Father Forgets' by W. Livingston Larned earlier. It's about a father's realisation of the way he treats his young son. Here's a snippet which made me stop and think for a sec:
What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding - this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.
Although I've worked hard to give my daughter the freedom to make her own choices and tried to 'coach' the right way forward, I do sometimes forget and slip back into authoritarian mode or worse, into fault finding mode.
'BRUSH YOUR TEETH' 'CLEAN THIS MESS UP' 'GO TO SLEEP'
She's only 8 and she deserves better from me sometimes - I just forget.
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Post by jan on Mar 10, 2013 10:11:42 GMT
michael, was really touched by your post and am keen to reply but can't get my thoughts straight around what i want to say yet *(nothing negative about you ) am working on it (together with other million things buzzing around in my head )
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2013 22:27:43 GMT
We're all here to help each other but I often forget the mission so please feel free to tell me to STFU occasionally
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Post by Kariijude on Mar 19, 2013 22:23:41 GMT
My son is now 22 and he has had all the behaviours that you talk about. Diagnosed at 13, not much info given just meds and with 3 other children no time then to do much research. Thought he would grow out of it. Got to 16 and went completely off the rails, drugs, police, alcohol abuse, all sorts of trouble, every time he swore it would be the last. What has happened is a complete downward spiral from 16. We don't know what's going to happen to him, we are riddled with anxiety and over the years have taken him to various doctors, he seems to be in denial, is completely oppositional and won't get help. His self esteem is rock bottom and his friends are now people I don't know, but they are not good for him. He abuses our love and support and I am seeing less and less of that lovely boy with his sherbet smile, I want him to still be in there so much and I am sure he is depressed but there is nothing I can do. I am having counselling, so is my husband but he will do nothing. He is currently spending his way through his baby savings, no job,can't do job seekers as he doesn't go to his sign on appointments and reckons its all going to be ok at some hazy point in the future. Like you, I want desperately for him to move out but where can he go, I couldn't just throw him out even though most friends think I should. I am a mess and work very hard at keeping a lid on it for my husband who is not as strong as he was. I have started to meditate and find it really helps calm me down. I wish I knew what the answer is but I don't.
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Post by jan on Mar 21, 2013 9:23:04 GMT
:)only just noticed your post, missed it somehow or would have replied sooner. I feel for you, as you read in my post i know what your talking about and where your at. Funnily enough things are much better with my daughter at the moment (keeping my fingers crossed as it always tends to be 2 steps forward then 3 staps back!). She has stopped using skunk for nearly 2 months and that has made a huge difference and i have managed to get some help from a few diffferent agencies that have found out about lately. I think what really started the ball rolling in a positive direction was when over the space of a few days she kicked off on a sat night and kicked a hole in my bedroom door (because i wouldn't give her a cigarette!) and a few nights later she came home drunk with a friend and was very verbally abusive and agressive and refused to leave! I realised that things could not continue like that anymore and after going to a families anonymous meeting decided she's got to go! I went to a local service for youth and found out what the process is if i ask her to leave and met a really helpfull guy who has been supporting us ever since. Its not simple when they are over 18 and it also depends where you live. I think me taking this action shocked her a bit, it wasn't done in anger and she could see that I was dead serious. I think this has contributed to her change in attitude and improvement in her behaviour. I'm still in process of sorting it out - I havn't decided if am going to follow through with it yet as her attitude has changed so much and ideally she's better off living at home at her age but even if I do I will still support her as much as poss. All i've ever wanted is for her to take responsibility for herself and her condition I don't expect her to be perfect. Do you live in London? If you do can put you in touch with few agencies/projects that are really helpfull. Please P.M. me if you would like to talk more I would be pleased to help in any way if I can even if you just need to sound off (with no judgement) it always helps to talk to people that been there. xx
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kari
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Post by kari on Apr 3, 2013 15:34:44 GMT
Hi Janev, I am Karijude guest (forgot what my name was as not been on for a while !!). I am really pleased to hear yr daughter is feeling more positive, sounds like the idea of having to leave has made her think about her behaviour, I know it's a couple of weeks ago now but would be interested to know how things are going for you both. I didn't know there were places you cd get advice from like that, do you think they deal with 22 yr olds? Any info you can let me have on agencies/projects would be great, we are in south west London and We are desperate. He's got even worse in the last few weeks, we had a horrible incident last weekend when he turned up at midnight with a whole bunch of people wanting to drink the night away etc, I told them they couldn't and he got really nasty (already drunk) told me he wished I died of Aids in front of everyone and then crossed another line by hitting my arm. Really upset by this as he's never done anything physical to me before. We have told him unless he gets his act together he will have to go. Wish this was just a bad dream. Thanks for listening. X
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Post by jan on Apr 4, 2013 7:29:02 GMT
hi Kari so sorry to hear things are getting worse with your son its so hard when our kids behave like that i know, thankfully things are still going well with my daughter (touch wood) . i'm going to pm you my tel num when i've finished this post, unfortunately the project that i have got her involved in has had their funding cut and i don't think they are taking anymore referrals now but i will ring the guy today to double check and to see if he knows of any services in your area so if you read this message today then text me which borough you live in as that can make difference to projects available.
the other guy that's helping is from our local youth service which was what was left after they cut all the connexions services in London I'm seeing him this afternoon so hopefully if you have text me by then i can ask him if he knows of any help in your area in terms of projects and stuff and also in terms of getting your son housed as its different in each borough but in general they are considered to be youth until they are 25 i think.
the other project i have found is called yuva and its an umbrella organization of the domestic violent unit and is for kids up to age 18 who have displayed violent, abusive or controlling behavior towards their parent or siblings - so sorry seems like he's over the limit age wise for that but it may be worth ringing them to ask if they know of anything for his age or in your area the num is 0208 2228281 they are based in hammer smith i think but visit other boroughs.
also i would rec commend trying a families anonymous meeting - check the web for your nearest meeting - the one in harrow on a Sunday is very strong - there's also a forum but I'm bit of technophobe so at the time i couldn't work out how to get on it.
I know this is prob not what you want to hear but maybe the time has come to let him go - if you help him find somewhere if we can find you help for that in your area then maybe it'll be the making of him as none of the above stuff will help if you let him stay but he refuses to engage. The skunk just makes everything worse for adhd - my daughter has been using it regularly for about 2 years (and intermittently since she was 12 ) till she stopped and she's a different person now and much easier to communicate with. I hope all this is some help maybe speak or text later bye for now j xx
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Post by jan on Apr 4, 2013 10:12:04 GMT
ooops sorry its not harrow its swiss cottage (the families anon meeting)
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Post by jan on Apr 11, 2013 10:14:35 GMT
thankfully things are still going well with my daughter (touch wood) - - - maybe it wasn't wood!? she has been better and she's still off the skunk so thats good but we're at the 2 steps back stage again at the moment !!! as was saying before managed to get her onto a (potentially ? - you never know sometimes these things turn out to be shit from past experience) hopefully really good project with a mental health charity - she's lucky to get on it as they don't usually consider taking kids with adhd and also they have just had their funding cut and so she's the last referall they are taking on!!! she will get 6 weeks of cbt 6 weeks of anger management and 8 weeks of life coaching, the cbt should be in a group but as she's in college on the day its on she will get hers 1 to 1. The workers are all people who have had life problems themselves in the past so thats another bonus to it she supposed to meet him yesterday and go to caff for a chat but she wouldn't go as she wanted him to come here, which bless him he was prepared to do but couldn't as i had to go out and he didn't feel he wanted to be in the house with her alone which is fair enough. so that didn't happen!!! now she's supposed to go to one session of the group as she's off college this week and has to be there by 12 and has only just got up and its half eleven and her excuse is because when she woke up at half ten i wouldnt make her a cup of tea in bed as i needed to go up the shop (i was stressing as i'd been overcharged £7 last night and couldn't relax till i got that sorted and turned out was actually over £8.20 !!!) and now she's moaning that she had to go back to sleep asnd its my fault she is going to be late!!!! I feel really stressed when she does this stuff as when she says to me how horrible i am that i wont do a simple thing like bring her a cup of tea in bed when after all i'm already up it makes me feel like i am nasty cos i know she does have really big problem waking up and getting up in the mornings and i've read on here that others have this part of adhd too but today i just think for fu*ks sake just get out of bed and do it yourself and then you will be up!!!! i'm not a person who allows people to walk over me in general but she just seems to play me like a violin!!! i feel so pissed off today oooh well rant over better get on with my day
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2013 16:56:10 GMT
Oooh wish I hadn't written that now am stressing that she's going to go on my lap top and see it or that she'll start using this site some time in the future and troll through old posts and see it - she'd be do hurt - shit does anyone know how I can delete it? In the top right corner of each post there are modify and delete buttons
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Post by jan on Apr 12, 2013 13:26:55 GMT
thanks dave sorry to be pain - ive deleted bits don't want her to see now would you mind deleting your post above telling me how to do it cos if she sees it she will nag me to death about what it had said and i'm useless at lying thanks
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Post by jan on May 1, 2013 8:01:31 GMT
i'm so fucking pissed off my daughters come so far the past few months and now she's fucking it all up just cos she can't be bothered to get out of bed aaaaaaah she drives me mental!!!!!!! all time and effort have put into sorting college getting her help etc and she's been doing work experience once week for about 6 or 7 weeks now - missed the first week but she got away with that and they accepted she was ill been great for next few weeks she really likes it there and they like her and have agreed to take her on as an apprentice for a year which is great as she could finish whats left of her level 2 and go on and do her level 3 by working and doing the work on line so she wont have to go to college anymore - she just doesnt function in a classroom enviroment. the nursery is very near so she'd have no travel expenses (since she been doing work experience i have been getting her a cab too make it easier for her to have more time to get up in the morn as she has such problems sleeping and getting up. all been put in place and what does she go and do - FUCK IT ALL UP!!!!! she's lying in bed - ive been calling her since half 6 - made her tea in bed - and warmed it up again as she didn't drink it - she should be there at half 8 its now quarter to 9 and she wont even just phone them to explain why she's not turned up !!!!! their hardly going to take her on now are they and this apprenticeship is only available till shes 19 which is in august so had to sort it quick finalised everything on phone yesterday - she didnt go last week either but at least she managed to ring and tell them she was ill. i'm thinking i should maybe ring but i cant keep saving her all the time can i - shes got to start taking responsibility - she got the energy to scream abuse at me all morning but can't get herself out of bed its insane and worst part is when she finally gets her arse out of bed which when shes like this will prob be about 5 or 6 o clock she'l blame me and genuinely believe that its my fault and say its because i didn't wake her up in the right way !!!!! i've had years of this school college its so frustrating when i feel like great for a few weeks she's finally getting herself sorted and then she does something like this again!!!! i'm so fucking angry i'm just gonna have to go out and stay out all day and try and let go its so hard watching your child fuck up and being powerless to stop them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what doyou people reckon - should i have phoned the nursery and made some excuse? god i'm starting to feel like its my fault now and if i had just done that maybe could have salvaged this but they wouldnt believe me anyway or maybe they would - i just hate lying it makes me feel really uncomfortable oh god maybe i should have - there's so much at stake here!!!!!! oh fuck i feel like shit now sorry for all the swearing
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on May 1, 2013 8:49:58 GMT
OMG I could be reading about my Daughter (16 this month) We have major battle each morning ( unless its a rare occasion that ages actually excited about something happening then she will be up far too early & waking me to help her find this or that.. I get peeved with ppl saying yeh teenage hormones!!! Doh I've had 4 kids I know the difference my daughter has ADHD also Autism though high functioning its a ruddy hindrance has NO real concept of TIME Management I scream her up from 7 each morning taxi for school comes at 9.30 yep she's never ready i get the hurling if abuse the slamming of doors Then she comes down like nouts happened and then say WE don't understand her!!! One specialist explained that Em has a slow processing speed so if I say Get your shoes on it takes a while to register but because I know she will forget I go on auto pilot and keep repeating it which in turn winds her up as ages still in process mode ? If I just say it once and leave her be she would just forget altogether its so hard .. Ppl dint get it at all only those that have a child like this.. She wants for example a gaming pc your talking £300 she wants it for her birthday I'm trying to get her to see that's more of a Christmas gift she won't except it and I will have this nagging everyday till she gets it its mentally draining x
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on May 1, 2013 8:52:40 GMT
Sorry I meant to say I totally get where your coming from and the guilt for all the shouting but if she like my daughter it tends to be over the head and age doesn't really hold the grudge but just as well as its a daily thing x
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2013 9:54:41 GMT
It aint your fault but remember, it might not be hers either. I am finding myself much less tired in the morning on meds - is she still taking hers? I can't really imagine the kind of frustration and stress this must be causing you. Do you think you can find a way of making it matter less to you? I know this sounds utterly bizarre. How can we possibly allow ourselves to not care if our kids are throwing their lives away? We probably can't but there must come a point where self-preservation kicks in. You can't allow her to destroy two lives. If she won't get out of bed - so be it. If she spends the rest of her life on the dole - so be it. Try and accept it and try and show her your love anyway. Maybe gently remind her that her actions impose certain hardships on you. You didn't envisage having to support her forever but you will anyway. At least this way you might feel you have regained control of something. After typing all this I realise I have probably fallen into the trap of trying to solve your problems when you just needed to vent. Sorry, can't seem to switch it off!
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Post by jan on May 1, 2013 11:21:45 GMT
oh god michael dont be sorry thats exactly what i want someone to suggest things to do - thanks so much - everything you said makes total sense and i already knew it, it just needed someone else to bring it all back to the front of my mind cos was crowded out by the anger and fear thanks again gonna get on with my day and reflect xx J
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Post by DKL - darkknightslover on May 1, 2013 13:10:10 GMT
White board lists. Clocks everywhere. Get your daughter to figure out the best sleep routine and wake up strategy. If she needs caffeine, getting a machine for her room might be a good plan. By the sounds of it you are doing a lot for her. She needs to start taking responsibility for her inabilities and learn to recognise when she needs and then ask for help. ADHD coaching is very likely to help with this. Am I remembering correctly that she doesn't "do" tablets for some swallowing related reason?
Sent from my GT-I9000 using proboards
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