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Post by addam on Feb 15, 2013 16:14:29 GMT
I have ADHD(inattentive), and severe social anxiety. I'm trying to separate the social problems caused by the two things.
Something I've never really been able to do is small talk. It feels pointless and a bit irritating. That is beginning to change though, as I'm starting to see past the words as a way of connecting with people. Looking at it that way makes it more interesting which relieves much of the irritation caused by trying to force myself to participate in an uninteresting activity.
Another problem I've had is that politeness, small talk and social conventions have always felt very 'fake' to me. Again causing irritation. When I have attempted to conform to these conventions, I feel like I'm being insincere, and 'acting'. I've felt that I would much rather people would say exactly what they think at all times. Rationally I know that social 'niceties' are essential, but that hasn't changed the way I've felt.
Like I said this is changing as I am beginning to see past the surface, and learning that everyone has a certain level of anxiety and guardedness in social situations.
Can anyone relate to the 'fake' thing?
I know it's ADHD driven, I just can't quite join the dots...
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Post by li0nberries on Feb 15, 2013 17:07:45 GMT
God yes!!! Lies, false petentions, duplicity, anything like that does my head in! Small talk I can now do, providing there's no bullshite :-)
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Post by claudhopper on Feb 15, 2013 19:41:36 GMT
I find small talk impossible so I avoid people who do it. The conversation has to go into orbit or be on something new for me to maintain interest. I think people then think I'm uninterested or aloof but I just can't maintain interest if it isn't moving apace or interesting.
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Post by addam on Feb 15, 2013 20:31:08 GMT
Ha! Yes to preferring to cut your tongue off to small talk, and to seeming aloof. Coming across as aloof is a very common thing with social anxiety, it's a safety behaviour to put people off talking to you. I know I do seem that way a lot of the time, but it's difficult to separate it from just not having enough interest in what's being said to get my attention. The reason I'm trying to separate the two things is that I'm getting a private assessment on Friday, and don't want him to get too hung up on social anxiety, which has undoubtedly had a devastating effect on my life. I think the intolerance of social niceties is probably an impatience thing, just wanting people to get to the point as quickly as possible.
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Post by addam on Feb 16, 2013 20:03:51 GMT
Just spotted this, from the propsed DSM 5 changes:
(k) Is often impatient, as shown by feeling restless when waiting for others and wanting to move faster than others, wanting people to get to the point, speeding while driving, and cutting into traffic to go faster than others.
It's progress, but there's still so much more that isn't in the criteria yet.
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Post by mizmog on Feb 17, 2013 9:09:00 GMT
I am renowned for being impatient and often have to bite my tongue to stop me saying "get to the point" .... I often stop ppl mid sentence if all I hv asked for is simple yes or no and they feel they hv to ramble on first! "Don't beat around the bush" or "go straight for the jugular" that is what others say about me but what's the point in wasting time with irrelevant bit! I really don't care what colour the car was I asked how long it took you! He he
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Post by Kathymel on Feb 17, 2013 12:24:46 GMT
I can manage to put up with the ramblings of people I don't know very well, though I do glaze over and will leap on any passing distraction as a way of escape.
My son, however, is a terrible rambler and I frequently ask him to get to the point. His rambles are usually about whatever computer game he's currently obsessing over. He can talk non-stop for hours and in the past I have often asked him to stop as I'm not interested. Now, he knows he's got a finite amount of time to talk, so he refines what he has to say and we're both happy.
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Post by Guest cb on Feb 19, 2013 12:44:11 GMT
My partner never pays me a compliment because he says men only say nice things to women when they want to get them into bed. I've tried to explain that most people don't think like that, but he just says it feels fake and superficial and like some sort of play-acting and so he won't do it. He also finds "small talk" banal and tedious and will do anything to avoid being in that situation. So no, it's not just you!
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Post by li0nberries on Feb 19, 2013 16:37:37 GMT
If he means the nice things then surely it's just appreciation and affection? Surely honesty works both ways ie positive honesty as well as negative honesty, or does he not criticise either? God, if that's the case how on earth does anyone know what he's thinking or feeling? I already want to get him in a dark room and shine a spotlight in his eyes :-) I HATE not understanding anything I want too
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2013 21:56:25 GMT
I have ADHD(inattentive), and severe social anxiety. I'm trying to separate the social problems caused by the two things. Something I've never really been able to do is small talk. It feels pointless and a bit irritating. That is beginning to change though, as I'm starting to see past the words as a way of connecting with people. Looking at it that way makes it more interesting which relieves much of the irritation caused by trying to force myself to participate in an uninteresting activity. Another problem I've had is that politeness, small talk and social conventions have always felt very 'fake' to me. Again causing irritation. When I have attempted to conform to these conventions, I feel like I'm being insincere, and 'acting'. I've felt that I would much rather people would say exactly what they think at all times. Rationally I know that social 'niceties' are essential, but that hasn't changed the way I've felt. Like I said this is changing as I am beginning to see past the surface, and learning that everyone has a certain level of anxiety and guardedness in social situations. Can anyone relate to the 'fake' thing? I know it's ADHD driven, I just can't quite join the dots... You sure? Has anyone looked at you for ASD/Aspergers?
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Post by addam on Feb 25, 2013 12:39:37 GMT
Good question, and yes I have spoken to 2 psychiatrists, both of whom said a definite no to Aspergers. I think it's been the combinantion of social anxiety(SA) and ADHD which has made me not very 'people focused' and impatient, which I can see could be easily mistaken for Aspergers. For example SA causes you to focus inwardly, causing reduced processing of social cues, difficulty with eye contact etc, which overlaps with Aspergers. Like I said it is changing, which wouldn't happen with Aspergers obviously.
btw - Had my assessment and it went really well. Really good to speak to someone who understood, not just ADHD, but how it fits together with SA and chronic fatigue. Going back in a couple of weeks to start meds for the first time at the age of 34!
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SHAFCB
Member's not posted much yet
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Post by SHAFCB on Feb 25, 2013 20:36:42 GMT
Can totally relate to this.
I have been in a few meetings where I have turned to my manager and asked her to get to the point. She normally makes a comment along the lines of me needing to wait and she needs to explain in more detail and I have been known to tell her I am bored!! She actually doesn't know about my ADHD yet but she has a surprising level of patience with me....so far! I think her patience is fading actually!!
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