Post by shinjiikari on Mar 9, 2013 18:30:30 GMT
After about 3 years of asking, sometimes begging, the NHS for help, I recently got a private diagnosis. I wish I'd done it 3 years ago, but ... hindsight. It was so straightforward and efficient, the doc was supportive, sympathetic and understood how ADHD had and was affecting me, and how it interacted with other problems as well. He was the first person to ever understand that although I am capable of doing things, the effort required is so great that it simply isn't sustainable.
I'm really nervous about starting the meds, because if they don't work, I'm not sure what else I can do. I've been wrestling with my brain for most of my life to try and do all the right things without success, and ended up exhausted and isolated. I simply can't control my focus. There have been occasional short bursts of productivity, but 99% of my adult life has been drifting around in a very unfocused state. Unable to sustain focus on the things which I know will lead to a happy life, and a lot of time wasted hyperfocused on the wrong things. A lot of lost time.
I've had the usual inattentive comments, like I'm 'not switched on', I need to 'come alive', that I'm 'out to lunch', lethargic, etc. Hopefully those comments will stop soon. I don't blame people for making them, they are accurate observations from the outside, and I'm sure it must be frustrating for people to see me not achieving my potential. What people don't see is the endless struggle beneath the surface.
I took my first Concerta XL 18mg this morning. An hour later, I was in the pool for my weekly swimming lesson. The first change I noticed was I would usually let the other 2 people in the lesson set off down the lane first, but not today. I led the way without any hesitation. I’ve been struggling to get the hang of the breathing, but today I just carried on even though some water was going up my nose and in my mouth, usually I would stop and start again.
I recently did a short introductory mindfulness session. It was just 10 minutes or so, and the therapist talked me though things like being aware of the feeling of my feet on the ground, and the sounds around me, without taking any action. On the walk home from the pool I was very much reminded of that feeling. I felt a calm awareness of the sound of traffic and birds singing, it was quite nice actually, quite soothing. I felt more connected to the present moment. My usual feelings of stress and urgency were gone. Mindfulness in a pill? Maybe.
I also found that as I was walking, my thoughts were projecting forwards onto what I was going to be doing for the rest of the day and beyond. Some planning was happening. This doesn’t usually happen and is encouraging.
I find there’s a distressing sense of uncertainty that comes with being unfocused and unable to organise your thoughts. Those feelings of stress, urgency and lost time combined with exhaustion, depression and confusion has led me to make a lot of mistakes lately. I’ve been getting drawn into a downward spiral of hating myself. Today I feel a bit more forgiving of myself. Just a bit.
When I got home from the pool, I immediately got on with clearing some of the washing up backlog, a task that I would normally avoid. I felt slower, but that I was getting more done. Next I sat down to start writing this while it was still fresh in my mind. I felt like my mind was a bit clearer, less chaotic, like some of the background noise had gone.
About 4.5 hours after taking the pill, I felt the restlessness beginning to return. I’d had a cup of tea about half an hour before after agreeing to abstain from caffeine, so maybe that was a factor. I was still getting more done, but in a much speedier way. Then I started to crash at about t+6h, which I’m not sure was the drug wearing off, or just that I am extremely tired today after a very long day yesterday and swimming this morning.
I suspect that a higher dose, and possibly some extra IR MPH will be needed for later in the day, but I’m sticking with the 18mg XL for the next month to give it a proper trial.
So that’s Concerta day 1 then. In summary; it made me a bit better at swimming, less hesitant, more mindful, calmer, less anxious, less stressed, less depressed, and it did the washing up for me. Not a bad start.
Shinji
I'm really nervous about starting the meds, because if they don't work, I'm not sure what else I can do. I've been wrestling with my brain for most of my life to try and do all the right things without success, and ended up exhausted and isolated. I simply can't control my focus. There have been occasional short bursts of productivity, but 99% of my adult life has been drifting around in a very unfocused state. Unable to sustain focus on the things which I know will lead to a happy life, and a lot of time wasted hyperfocused on the wrong things. A lot of lost time.
I've had the usual inattentive comments, like I'm 'not switched on', I need to 'come alive', that I'm 'out to lunch', lethargic, etc. Hopefully those comments will stop soon. I don't blame people for making them, they are accurate observations from the outside, and I'm sure it must be frustrating for people to see me not achieving my potential. What people don't see is the endless struggle beneath the surface.
I took my first Concerta XL 18mg this morning. An hour later, I was in the pool for my weekly swimming lesson. The first change I noticed was I would usually let the other 2 people in the lesson set off down the lane first, but not today. I led the way without any hesitation. I’ve been struggling to get the hang of the breathing, but today I just carried on even though some water was going up my nose and in my mouth, usually I would stop and start again.
I recently did a short introductory mindfulness session. It was just 10 minutes or so, and the therapist talked me though things like being aware of the feeling of my feet on the ground, and the sounds around me, without taking any action. On the walk home from the pool I was very much reminded of that feeling. I felt a calm awareness of the sound of traffic and birds singing, it was quite nice actually, quite soothing. I felt more connected to the present moment. My usual feelings of stress and urgency were gone. Mindfulness in a pill? Maybe.
I also found that as I was walking, my thoughts were projecting forwards onto what I was going to be doing for the rest of the day and beyond. Some planning was happening. This doesn’t usually happen and is encouraging.
I find there’s a distressing sense of uncertainty that comes with being unfocused and unable to organise your thoughts. Those feelings of stress, urgency and lost time combined with exhaustion, depression and confusion has led me to make a lot of mistakes lately. I’ve been getting drawn into a downward spiral of hating myself. Today I feel a bit more forgiving of myself. Just a bit.
When I got home from the pool, I immediately got on with clearing some of the washing up backlog, a task that I would normally avoid. I felt slower, but that I was getting more done. Next I sat down to start writing this while it was still fresh in my mind. I felt like my mind was a bit clearer, less chaotic, like some of the background noise had gone.
About 4.5 hours after taking the pill, I felt the restlessness beginning to return. I’d had a cup of tea about half an hour before after agreeing to abstain from caffeine, so maybe that was a factor. I was still getting more done, but in a much speedier way. Then I started to crash at about t+6h, which I’m not sure was the drug wearing off, or just that I am extremely tired today after a very long day yesterday and swimming this morning.
I suspect that a higher dose, and possibly some extra IR MPH will be needed for later in the day, but I’m sticking with the 18mg XL for the next month to give it a proper trial.
So that’s Concerta day 1 then. In summary; it made me a bit better at swimming, less hesitant, more mindful, calmer, less anxious, less stressed, less depressed, and it did the washing up for me. Not a bad start.
Shinji