mrsh
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Post by mrsh on Apr 13, 2013 15:08:33 GMT
I am a parent of 2 children, one is 6 and the other is 2. I am really struggling to be a good parent. Most mums cannot understand the feelings I have. My eldest just drives me nuts, everything she does irritates me and I can't switch it off, all I ever do is shout and I have no idea how to switch it off. Sometimes I catch myself but by that time I just can't stop. I am so ashamed and want to just feel like other parents. Proud and happy. Truth is I am bitter and resentful. My youngest is very hyperactive and I struggle. Leaving the house is a nightmare. My mood swings, low tolerance and impatience are worse than ever. I shall be telling the psych about this on Tuesday, but I was wondering, am I alone in this? Thank you for reading :/ Em x
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2013 16:23:54 GMT
You are not alone! My kids are older now, but as I wrote in my thread in introductions, and another mum did, I found it rock hard and far from a joy.
Try not to blame and beat yourself up. Is there anyone who could look after them for you on a weekly basis, so you can have some guaranteed time out and me time? Your health and well being is top priority, so you can look after them.
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mrsh
Member posts quite a bit
Posts: 106
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Post by mrsh on Apr 13, 2013 16:35:36 GMT
Well my husband is very supportive and lets me have time to myself, I am so lucky there, but when it comes to returning the favour, I become so anxious and therefore lash out verbally at him. Something else I am so not proud of. My eldest goes to school during the week and youngest is at nursery Monday and Friday so I can sleep as I work nights. Every other week Mondays and Fridays I have to myself. Right now though I am off work due to side effects from different ADHD meds and well, to be completely honest..stress. Not sure how long I can juggle nights, meds, 2 kids and a house before I have a meltdown....again. I was only diagnosed a month ago, no time at all really. I thought knowing why would help, but to be honest it has only made me more aware of my faults and my current inability to fix any of them. Thank you for your reply x
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2013 16:46:24 GMT
To me, it sounds like you have far far too much going on. There is no way I could work nights and juggle all those things. Sometimes I think you have to be ruthless and radical. Could you manage on one wage till your children are a little bit older? Any pressures you can take off yourself the better. You need some time and space to heal and recover. Little wonder you lose your temper with your husband - you are being pushed beyond what you, or anybody else, can cope with.
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Post by twix on Apr 13, 2013 21:59:03 GMT
Take care, a month is no time at all, it will get easier. There is probably some behaviour management stuff that will help when you feel up to it, but for now just get through this.
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Post by jan on Apr 14, 2013 18:19:36 GMT
hi sorry to hear your having such a hard time at mo - its hard enough being a mum (i think - i'm not your earth mother type unfortunately ) never mind being a working mum with adhd on top!!! try not to give yourself a hard time about how you feel about your daughters - its not surprising when your under so much pressure and the effects of stress are massively understated!!! I have described in another post how i feel -( i think youve answered there - and petra) we are only human - saying all that i would give my life for my daughter in a heartbeat if it was needed, no question, as i'm sure you both would too. what proves that we are great mums (even though we don't believe it) is that we are doing our best !!! we don't have to be perfect mums - just good enough mums and i'm sure thats what we are xxx
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2013 20:08:44 GMT
Totally agree with what you say janev.
It is healing to have found 2 other mums in this world who are like me!
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Post by cheekybuddha on May 13, 2013 8:22:31 GMT
Hi, I know this is an older thread, but I just want to join you guys in saying phew it's so hard to get through the day sometimes. I have a 3 yr old boy, he is full of life and beans, very tricky to be out with, seems to be constant challenges to me, while my friends kids walk alongside holding their mums hand. It's very isolating, my own life has been full of struggles and broken dreams, I read about ADHD after a couple of people joked/suggested my LO had it. I dismissed what them said as ADHD isn't real right?
So one night I googled it and my jaw fell open as I read through, skimming, jumping, thinking. Hang on that's me they are describing.
All these traits and quirks I thought were my failures and strangeness alone were shared by others! Why had I never known of this before! The jigsaw flew together and clicked in my mind.
And so on I find it hard looking after my son, he has just started nursery thankfully. I snap at him and feel irritated by his constant incessantness. I just want a minutes headspace and when he jumps in I can be startled into shouting. It never lasts long and I have lots of fun with him most of the time. I can feel so much love for him, along with feeling intensly irritated at other times.
But I worry my inconsistent way of being is hard on him, I worry how it will affect him, a lot. Having a child shines a massive spotlight on your symptoms, looking back I can see how I learned to self manage, but with a small child there is nowhere to hide.
I have issues with my mood and mood changing, I feel it's depression and adhd related Mrsh perhaps depression is something you could talk about with psych sometime?
All best It's nice to know I'm. Not alone.
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on May 13, 2013 8:51:07 GMT
Cheeky I can so associate what you mean!!! I've been like that with my 4 children often questioned was my parenting enough did they feel loved ect ect ... Tomorrow we go to Fostering Panel to start fostering I've raised my 4 to be Respectful Honest Adults and stopped chastising myself over my faults because its just my inner thoughts telling me I was this or was that .. All my kids felt loved felt protected and support my chance to Foster .. Don't beat yourself up for ADHD weaknesses you are doing your best like I did mine!! I had no meds whilst raising mine and yes I got moody n stuff luckily my other half was a great support .. I think had I had the diagnosis a lot sooner I would have perhaps been alittle less over protective of my babies but have no regrets I was just determined to be there for them as I'd had an I secure childhood xxx
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Post by Kathymel on May 13, 2013 9:43:22 GMT
I have often despaired that I am failing as a mother. My worst moments are when I have completely lost my temper and screamed dementedly at my son because nothing else was having any effect. Sometimes it would happen several times a day. These days (he's now 14) it rarely happens at all, though I did lose it once last month.
I didn't really enjoy much of motherhood early on. My son felt like a steamroller sometimes and I didn't have any coping mechanisms. We would just lurch from one chaotic day to the next and occasionally I would get it together enough to provide a balanced diet for a day or two (failing completely there at the moment). He was also bullied unmercifully almost from day one at school and underachieved badly. I had no idea why and couldn't find a way out of the mess for him. It has been stressful at times.
When I tried to explain to other mums just how difficult my son was to manage, I'd be told, 'Oh, they're all like that, don't worry.' It really didn't help. It just made me feel even more of a failure that other mothers thought I was making a fuss about nothing.
If your kids know you love them, if you show affection, if you support them when they struggle with things, if they know you are there for them - those are the things that matter. We are allowed to have failings and they won't harm our kids so long as the other things are there. Despite all mine, my son is growing up to be such a lovely, caring, thoughtful young man that it makes me well-up with pride just writing this.
Hang in there, do your best and try not to beat yourself up.
(And don't talk to Supermums.)
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on May 13, 2013 10:29:13 GMT
Super mums made me giggle!!! They like to think they are!!! No such thing I fear !! We are Non of us perfect xx
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Post by simonwgill on May 13, 2013 15:01:12 GMT
Who are Supermums? Probably not the legion of mums wandering around with their underwear on the outside and giant Ss on their chest that I'm imagining...
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Post by Kathymel on May 13, 2013 15:35:06 GMT
They are the ones who are always on time, always perfectly dressed, hold down full time jobs and still have time to take daughter to the pony club and son to scouts, put a nutritionally balanced meal on the table every night, have their children's uniforms washed and ironed every Sunday night ...
Anyone like that on here?
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on May 13, 2013 16:08:02 GMT
NOPE lol x
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mrsh
Member posts quite a bit
Posts: 106
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Post by mrsh on May 13, 2013 16:49:34 GMT
Hmmm, they are probably on some meds too LOL
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Post by cheekybuddha on May 13, 2013 17:47:35 GMT
I don't understand these people and how they do it. I think they find 'us' just as mystifying! My mother is so straight someone parked parallel to her the other day...
Bless her, she tries though. I like the theory that AdHD has Neanderthal origins and that the NT's are more DNA based in homosapien sapien. Like there all from the Germanic lands and the north and we are mad passionate spaniards gesticulating and havin a mid day beer and that the NT's make up 90% and we 10%. Aha but this was the key to mans success! The mix was creative powerful but sustaining and maintaining enough to flourish into the dominant group (is that a theory, some of it is, anyway It is now
So yeah There are these freaky people out there doing that stuff, like folding and organising. Wierd
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Post by cheekybuddha on May 13, 2013 17:52:00 GMT
Btw I found the words of Kathymel and notsolonelyinacrowdnow genuinely reassuring and comforting. Thanks
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jansson
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Post by jansson on May 13, 2013 19:12:01 GMT
Ok, so here's an interesting thought: I am a mum with ADHD to a son who has Asperger's Syndrome - not the best combination. He craves structure, and I am constantly beating myself up as I send him off to school with half of his stuff, pick him up late, etc., etc.
However, just heard someone speak on Asperger's Syndrome who said that kids with AS often have difficulties with planning, organising (in brief, executive function issues, just like us!), and that their mums usually pick up the slack, sorting out, planning and organising everything for their AS children. That's great, until they're in a situation where Mum is not there and they can't fend for themselves. So he suggested that Mums should back off a bit and let the children start to take on those roles.
My new (positive) view is that maybe we're inadvertently doing our kids a favour and making them more independent - certainly better than constantly berating ourselves!
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Post by jan on May 13, 2013 19:52:01 GMT
completely relate to all thats been said (p.s super mums always have perfect make up hair and nails as well - don't you just hate them ) my friend told me that she reckons i come from neandethrols (sorry can't spell it - but you know what i mean) cos i have red hair and apparently so did they!!! is that why my add is soooo bad then cos i havn't evolved much?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2013 23:44:37 GMT
My new (positive) view is that maybe we're inadvertently doing our kids a favour and making them more independent - certainly better than constantly berating ourselves! I kinda follow this mantra or something similar. I always thought it was correct to micro manage now I try and let her decide the outcomes of stuff that affects her. Started with pocket money. Once it's gone, it's gone! Used to be: 'Daddy, can I have this, this and that??' Now, it's: 'this item is three pounds, I will have two pounds left...' It works when she remembers to bring her purse anyway On top of this, I have to wonder whether kids can thrive in an environment when they want for nothing*; necessity is the mother of invention, right? I suppose getting the balance right is the tricky bit but I will continue to muddle through *Not that I could even give everything but my natural response before was to simply get everything she asked for on a whim, even if it meant bankrupting myself. Really need to introduce the concept of checklists next. What's a good child friendly way of doing that without her forgetting the checklist? Coz I won't remember it
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Post by cheekybuddha on May 14, 2013 5:29:35 GMT
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Post by cheekybuddha on May 14, 2013 5:32:26 GMT
Or this one as a serious read www.neanderthalproject.com/?p=32When I go festivals and see the people with wild tribal hair, tattoos, making music, making fires, drinking and laughing...these are my people....I wonder!
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Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on May 14, 2013 6:27:46 GMT
Checklists oh tell me about it M.. My teen constantly forgets I guess I must have been the same ( but learned to remember lol ) She leaves the house each day followed by a rushed return as remembered something she forgot ( at least she remembers sometimes ha ha or the worst thing is TIME I can start shouting her now 7ish am she's in at 9.30 will still be getting ready when school taxi arrives always behind schedule no matter how well I try to organise !! But we love them all the same!! Xx
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Post by jan on May 14, 2013 8:06:44 GMT
Further Reading Some portions of this theory have been omitted for brevity. The reader is encouraged to read the source material directly for more details. Ekblad, Leif. “The Neanderthal theory of autism, Asperger and ADHD.” www.rdos.net. N.p., 24 Apr. 2001. Web. 4 June 2010. <http://www.rdos.net/eng/asperger.htm>. wow cheekbuddah if what you posted is the short version !!!!! see that petra - have copied a link and done some text in red
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mrsh
Member posts quite a bit
Posts: 106
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Post by mrsh on May 14, 2013 10:53:44 GMT
Well, I started off this thread with such a defeatist down trodden tone and now look what you all did! I have laughed, cried and felt very comforted. Thank you all so much xxx
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Post by a1975 on Jun 4, 2013 21:12:14 GMT
This was great to read - Thank you guys! I too wonder how some mother's 'seem' to have the art of perfection, but I guess they don't let there children make a move, play or get dirty.. they must get up at 5am to be able to look spick and span! and yes definately on some form of anti depressant, which seems so easy to be prescribed! My Doctor wanted to prescribe me PROZAC! For PMT, I must add..... obviously I declined... Going back to the begininng of this thread... I too have suspected ADHD (self medicating has crossed my mind more than once!!!! but I am sticking to the natural way for the time being),I am a single Mum, with a 9 year old ADHD daughter and a very lively 3 year old son, running 2 businesses in a foreign country - as I write this I do think- oh my god girl what are you doing..... Of course we get metdowns, normally menstrual ones.. I am also irritated by my daughter, I think it is mostly to do with the noise level and silliness, she can't even concentrate to get dressed or brush her teeth in the morning, when her meds kick in she is like a different little girl.. I too worry about the effect mine and her behaviour is having on my 3 year old. I would love to have just ONE FULL calm day with no noise, shouting, feelings of anger, panic, frustration or any awkwardness...to try and get my own head together, just for a moment..... :-)
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Post by jan on Jun 5, 2013 9:22:45 GMT
hi saying that though you know i have heard that prozac helps for pmt for some people - i used contraceptive called cerazette (may have spelt it wrong) and that helped for long time though what always happened to me was i would build up a resistance to stuff and would usually stop working after about a year. i was referred to pms clinic. the cerazette was great as its 28 days safe for older smokers and you don't get any periods - result have you looked into the online diagnosis - i think its by skype - the details are on here somewhere - look up posts by kathymel. sympathise and empathise with all your saying about your daughter - i always say that i'm amazed my daughter lived to become a teenager - she drove me absolutely mental !!!! and even more so in different ways once she became a teen much as i love her (she's nearly 19 now ) small doses suit me best its great when we're both in the same mood though - crazy girls together
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Post by JJ on Jun 5, 2013 20:39:23 GMT
Mrsh - how you doing with your strattera ? X
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mrsh
Member posts quite a bit
Posts: 106
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Post by mrsh on Jun 8, 2013 17:30:18 GMT
Hi, sorry not replied sooner, just getting my head around this new site - well more having lack of patience. Still up and down like a yo yo. So obviously not working, I will ask them to up it on Tuesday and see how I go. Looks like I maybe leaving work for now, the stress and anxiety is too much to bear. I know that it isn't all ADHD, some of it is anxiety and depression and learnt behaviour too. I just need to figure out which ones are which - hopefully the relief of some ADHD symptoms with medication will help there. Finally though due to my moods - I have a CPN and mental health social worker coming out to do an assessment. After 11 years of begging for help, my husband and psychiatrist together have got somewhere for me. I feel sad for people who don't have such great advocates in their life. I have been on the edge of giving up as nothing has seemed to help. Hopefully the ball is rolling and in the right direction xxx
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Post by jan on Jun 8, 2013 18:18:08 GMT
thats great news - i'm sure time off work will really help and you'l start to feel less stressed and anxious and be able to focus on getting the meds sorted and make use of any support you get offered. if cash an issue when your off work have a look at the jack monroe i think it was if thats wrong its on a recent post frm me its blog on how to feed yourself healthily and tastily for a tenner a week xx
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