|
Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on May 30, 2013 8:51:01 GMT
Are we?? Is it just Moi???
Ok ADHD lets face it we all struggle with friends!! But I'm asking myself I'm a too Boring .. I'm quick witted and always put on a cheery persona even if deep down I'm miserable but maybe my Conversation skills are Boring!!!
No one ( friends or family ) rarely comment on my Twitter or Facebook my phone never rings or bleeps with chat lol I'm asking myself now is it Just ME!!! Maybe I need to invest in a How to be an interesting person manual or Get a life coach ha ha., maybe I just need to relax and maybe pull myself away from my Geet... And start interacting ?? NAH. Can't be A***** think ill just carry on me and me .. Just curious xxx
|
|
|
Post by JJ on May 30, 2013 10:16:10 GMT
If it means anything, I've never read your posts and thought you were boring I know exactly what you mean about feeling like that though. I've always felt slightly on the outside looking in. My phone did used to ring quite a bit etc but its largely stopped now - and it's my own fault (or rather adhd parts of me's fault) I think. I couldn't keep a proper job (lateness, boredom etc) so work for myself at home. This has masses of up-sides but also means I'm completely isolated by default, which means that if I want contact with the world I have to make the effort, remember and then keep to the plans - 3 things that are so hard of course. Then even if I do get it together enough to meet up / go out, I'm all pleased with myself that I've managed all that but then there's no follow through from my side and there's only so much effort other people make before ignored texts/calls etc become too much. I've definitely lost 2 long term friendships in the last 2 years because of this and they've specifically told me the reason.... It didn't matter how much I said I couldn't help it, it doesn't ring true to someone who doesn't know cos after all 'its only a text' or only a call or whatever... Those people to whom it seems to just all fall into place are constantly engaged with others and so they get it back. Then of course because I haven't done much/seen anyone etc, I do feel like I have less to contribute and do feel less interesting - so then I avoid contact even more.... I wish I knew the answers to it, but you're not alone in feeling the way you do xxx (even if its just me and you!)
|
|
|
Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on May 30, 2013 10:41:11 GMT
Wish I could have articulated as well as you., you hit the nail on the head.. I don't do it deliberately I just seem to be mega busy doing nout lol I don't know we're the hours go in a day!!! I find I'm a loner in the fact that I like my own company and whilst I wish I had a vast amount if friends I know I couldn't cope I forget to make contact again or make arrangements then talk myself out if going.. I've met up with long lost relatives on day only to find months have past age I haven't bothered since I don't know why it just gets complicated.. I've missed out on lots of various opportunities in my life because I talk myself out I find fault before its happened its like this mini me goes before me to check things out and comes back to report 'don't do it negatives' I find I forget time in itself months even years and yet to me it was yesterday Doh.. Funny in one way but quite sad in another .. We all want these perfect lives well maybe just Normal but I've no idea what's normal normal lol xx
|
|
shrew
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 39
|
Post by shrew on May 30, 2013 11:07:00 GMT
You guys sound exactly the same as me! JJ i work from home too, it works so much better not having to be on time or stick to a schedule, but it's so easy to become a recluse. i love being around people and am sad not to have a big group of friends, but whenever I have more than a few close people to focus on i get overwhelmed and always end up having to make excuses not to see people because i have arranged to meet someone else, and then worrying about offending someone! how do people manage it? also it takes me about 2 hours (at the least) to psyche myself up to pick up the phone, and when people ring me unexpectedly i usually panic and ignore it, even to my own parents! whhyyyy! xx
|
|
shrew
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 39
|
Post by shrew on May 30, 2013 11:13:03 GMT
...also, back to the topic of the thread, i always feel boring in social situations too – more often than not i can never think of what to say and i feel braindead and stupid, sometimes it feels like i just end up laughing or agreeing with people in the right places but not properly being part of the conversation... but then sometimes if there's someone i haven't met before then for some reason my brain goes a million miles an hour and i can't stop joking around and being the life and soul of the party!?! which probably makes me seem really shallow or a show off but i really don't have any control over when i can be the exciting version of me! stupid brain!
|
|
|
Post by abracadabra on May 30, 2013 11:49:46 GMT
wow shrew i thought i was the only one like that. i feel so comfortable around strangers but then as soon as they stop being strangers i become so awkward around them and hardly say a word. this is one of the reasons i find it hard to make friends. i also feel boring compared to people who seem like they have ADHD, you know those ones who are loud, always on the move are seen as fun, interesting, life of the party.
while a space cadet like me is seen as boring, lazy and annoying, i fell out with friends because of my inability to pay attention during conversations and i isolated myself from other because of this.
|
|
|
Post by claudhopper on May 30, 2013 12:25:57 GMT
Sometimes I can't get into a conversation because there are too many thoughts going on that I can't stop long enough on one of them to talk about it and even if I do it's so off the wall that no one understands.
Normal people seem to be able to talk about the same old trivia and themselves for hours which I find impossible without moving on to wild associations from what's being talked about to new and newer subjects. So I spend hours and hours on my computer and lose contact with some good people.
|
|
|
Post by dizzydee on May 30, 2013 13:55:32 GMT
wow shrew i thought i was the only one like that. i feel so comfortable around strangers but then as soon as they stop being strangers i become so awkward around them and hardly say a word. this is one of the reasons i find it hard to make friends. ;D I agree totally!! I normally get over this by drinking far too much and then flitting from person to person normally interrupting their conversations. This normally ends badly for me though as I always seem to go that one step too far!!
|
|
|
Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on May 30, 2013 14:03:29 GMT
I find I get stuck for convo and rather than keep quite I say something stupid rather should I say OTT I can't keep on topic and example will start a topic and while peeps are still talking about said topic ill blurt out 'Nice weather? Or BB is back In June ? Totally random and off topic lol xx
|
|
|
Post by simonwgill on May 30, 2013 15:05:39 GMT
I think there's two parts to us finding other people so hard.
One is remembering to get in contact with and be around people. I definitely feel the isolation of working from home and the lack of people to do things with. Just how often should you talk to people? When are people ignoring you because they are busy and when is it because you're talking too much? When do people think you don't care because you don't talk?
The other is actually being around other people. Knowing when to talk is really hard. I'll either leave it too long and let somebody else fill in the space or try to override somebody else who's talking. Since I self-diagnosed, I've been paying attention to the latter. And then there's the distractions that attract the eyes (breaking eye contact) and attention (keeping the subtle signals of body language in the fog of war).
Soooo many questions. This would be a lovely training course if someone could put it together. Conversations (and dating) for ADHDer.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 30, 2013 15:06:48 GMT
I can so relate to all of what all of you have said. Such a relief to hear that other people struggle with the most basic elements of having relationships like me.
I hardly have any friends left, which suits me on one hand, but feels sad on the other. My life has forced me to be a loner.
I get so anxious on the rare occasions I do start to have a new friend. I feel like from early on I need to educate them as to how I am, so that they don't get hurt or offended, or, what I absolutely can't cope with, become clingy. Have had a few clingy friends in the past where on answering the phone to them I have become physically shaky - they had to go! I am very territorial over my personal space.
I will give to people when I can and want to give - that probably sounds selfish, but again, life has made me how I am. I don't say that with bitterness or self pity, it's just how it is.
|
|
shrew
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 39
|
Post by shrew on May 30, 2013 16:06:43 GMT
wow shrew i thought i was the only one like that. i feel so comfortable around strangers but then as soon as they stop being strangers i become so awkward around them and hardly say a word. this is one of the reasons i find it hard to make friends. ;D I agree totally!! I normally get over this by drinking far too much and then flitting from person to person normally interrupting their conversations. This normally ends badly for me though as I always seem to go that one step too far!! yup – that's exactly what i do too! i am inattentive and usually when sober am quiet and stare-y, but alcohol turns me into a hyperactive kid, especially red wine for some reason! i always go a step too far as well, and end up crossing the line between being amusing to annoying and innappropriate.
|
|
|
Post by manson88 on May 30, 2013 18:52:44 GMT
Funny guy's I can relate to a lot of what's being said here the one I hate is when you're in company and you can think of something funny or smart to say & your social anxiety holds us back the fear of insulting or offending offers or making an arse. Then if you do say something your anxious in case you came across as an arse lol its mad:-*
When I first came on forum I was afraid of this but you have accepted me as one of the rest. But that's all we want is social acceptance cause we all know we're different.
#lovetheforum Sent from my GT-I9300 using proboards
|
|
|
Post by abracadabra on May 30, 2013 20:05:53 GMT
maybe its the normal people that are boring?
|
|
|
Post by JJ on May 30, 2013 21:47:33 GMT
I find if I allow myself to get involved and therefore interested in a conversation then I get carried away and talk over people so I try and keep myself from saying anything and engaging too much - then I get bored and struggle to find anything to say. I can't seem to find the happy medium... And shrew - I used to be completely like you especially when was at university and surrounded by people and things to do - I'd make 5 different arrangements to meet people at the same time (actually knowing I was doing it but still carrying on for some reason) then I'd spend the next couple of weeks completely stressed out about how I was going to blow 4 people out - really doesn't help to keep friends of course! Now I don't make any plans at all cos I'm too unsure about how I'll feel on any given day and in any case, even if it was the most exciting thing in the world to do, once it becomes a fixed plan I completely don't want to go And I wonder why I have few friends and no social life ;D
|
|
|
Post by jan on May 30, 2013 21:54:19 GMT
there is soooo much in all your posts that i want to reply to but can't slow down to think and do it
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 30, 2013 23:50:25 GMT
I wonder how much anguish we cause ourselves having these internal battles? Constantly fight the urge to look at things whilst people are talking or having to feign interest in a conversation with subtle body cues and a slightly strange fixated stare However, it makes me cast my mind back to good ole Barkley: "ADD is not an attention disorder, but a disorder of impulse control. ADD children do things other kids think of, but don't actually do. The urge to act is not being inhibited. The first response is the immediate response. People with ADD have trouble resisting the attractiveness of things other than that immediately before them. The observed hyperactivity is not independent from, but born of, the impulse control problem. To be ADD is to be hyper-responsive, not hyperactive. Failure to inhibit is at the core of the problem." The thing is, I can and do, inhibit myself. Shall I speak now? No, wait. Now? Still talking, it'd be rude? Now? Er, WTF was I even going to say... *dazed look, moment has passed* Although that quote does specifically mention children, I wonder where the rest of us fit in this 'lack of inhibition' theory? Does it even apply to adults? Actually, it was covered lower down the page. Doh. "Barkley suggests that while people with ADD continues to improve with age, their level of self- regulatory behaviors is 30% below that of their non-ADD peers." So the reason NTers don't like us is because we don't humour them as well as their NT friends do Here's the link: www.pendulum.org/related/related_add_barkley.htmlDid I read it all...? AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! I suppose we need to learn to humour our NT friends better
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 31, 2013 0:31:34 GMT
No impulse control: that's me.
And barely any self discipline to get stuff done.
Perfect characteristics for a high flying lifestyle. Not.
|
|
|
Post by jan on Jun 1, 2013 11:05:35 GMT
I can so relate to all of what all of you have said. Such a relief to hear that other people struggle with the most basic elements of having relationships like me. I hardly have any friends left, which suits me on one hand, but feels sad on the other. My life has forced me to be a loner. I get so anxious on the rare occasions I do start to have a new friend. I feel like from early on I need to educate them as to how I am, so that they don't get hurt or offended, or, what I absolutely can't cope with, become clingy. Have had a few clingy friends in the past where on answering the phone to them I have become physically shaky - they had to go! I am very territorial over my personal space. I will give to people when I can and want to give - that probably sounds selfish, but again, life has made me how I am. I don't say that with bitterness or self pity, it's just how it is. concentration warning - this is a marathon not a sprint ----there's sooo sooo much on this thread that i identify with but especially petra's post (times like this a girl could do with having the multiple black box talent ) i do exactly that - explain to people how i am and can't always answer the phone or go out or help with their problems as even though do care and would love to i need every single ounce of energy i've got to deal with whats going on in my own life!!! people always praise me for my honesty when first meet but soon get pissed off when realise i mean exactly what i said !! don't find many people who can accept me exactly as i am' and thats another problem - i think i'm too honest and people aren't in general !!! if someone asks for my opinion i will tell them the truth - not what they want to hear (at least these days i wait till i'm asked now -well - nearly all the time - still have odd blip ) as notlonely -etc said i also do my best to be witty and put a brave face on - even when sometimes i'm dying inside and am absolutely devoid of joy and as jj said and others have always felt like on outside looking in - even with my own family - especially when i stopped drinking and was the only one - it was like i was always the black sheep and the scape goat because i got myself into so many scrapes because of my drinking and then when i stopped i was the odd one out and not accepted because i didn't drink! weird well not weird really - after more than a decade of therapy understand exactly what was going on there!! and as manson says i felt like that when i came on here as well and still do a bit as my concentration and memory make me feel like the dunce of the class!! drink helped for years with all this - i'd of never got through my adolescence and 20's without the aid of alcohol - its the only thing thats ever worked to take away the anxiety - i started drinking when i was 11!!! was such a shock when it stopped working!!! i didn't really have a problem with drink - i had a problem with living!!! even in aa didn't feel like i really fitted in!!! once stopped going there last decade my answer to my problem with life has been to just take part as little as possible i've spent about 90% of my time on my own the past ten years. i'm not looking for sympathy - just a fact - sick of looking for the answer and have got to the point now where people in general just get right on my nerves - even my own daughter a lot of the time its just easier to be alone. god this is getting well morose in it better shut up before we have a mass suicide on the forum sorry
|
|
|
Post by Notlonelyinacrowdnow on Jun 1, 2013 13:37:13 GMT
Janev
Sympathise and at same time feel same in some aspects I find myself opting out of Family at the moment I just cba at all., I'm best in my own company my own warped thoughts and I get agitated if peeps tryn bring me back to reality I feel like there trying to help but in essence they can't as it gas to be help from within myself... I have good days but not many lately I'm so messed up head wise make decisions then wonder why I did and change my mind do often it ruddy annoys me too!!! I keep expecting some kind of cloud to shift & to be back to my old self but I fear this is the new me Feeling Anxious Menopausal Abnormal Unsocial Agitated Lonely Miserable lol that's a good day xx
|
|
|
Post by jan on Jun 1, 2013 22:02:47 GMT
yep - the joys of living through the menapause and having adhd only good thing about it is my memorys so bad i can't usually remember how i've been feeling from one day to the next so don't tend to dwell on whats gone before just wish i could procrastinate over eating chocolate though - like i do with everything else!
|
|
|
Post by DKL - darkknightslover on Jun 11, 2013 8:14:53 GMT
All of this is me!!! This is exactly why most of the friends I make on my own are social outcasts themselves in some way. They also have problems with "norms" in that they don't get us, and while we might get them (after all we've been beaten about with a 6 foot, yard wide hard wood beating stick around the head with what "normal" is all our lives, it's impossible to escape!) We can't interact with them using their rules. We can't play their games. So we loose. A lot.
For instance at work, there is no way I could ever move up because I don't hold back and I speak my mind and am too honest. If I were in America, this is exactly what they seem to like, according to my dealings with American staff in the company. One guy actually said when I called up to share some information "X Y and Z are working now - and this is how we're dealing with Alpha" he said that that was the sort of behaviour they looked out for and for that reason he was going to keep a look out for me in the future. How lovely! However back here that phone call and the actions I took were seen as me trying to get some attention and to be "seen", rather than in my view trying to fix a problem in the limited circumstances I was given with the extensive knowledge and problem solving skills I had, which actually benefitted the company by preventing a hold-up in the whole manufacturing process. You just can't win!!!
Now that I'm leaving in a while, I'll be taking this huge bank of knowledge with me. I always tinker and play with processes and have made some interesting and useful time and resource saving changes. They want a robot. I am not. I was told that the role would not be changed to take advantage of my talents because they needed someone who could be a robot. I have also been left with the impression that I might have been moved to a different team if there was the budget/ability/space to do so, but that the likelihood of that being so was slim. I could be totally wrong with that impression.
But it doesn't matter here anyway because unless something goes completely tits up, I'll be moving area anyway. However I won't be surprised if I come across a similar situation. I don't like keeping improvement ideas to myself, because they benefit others. If I'm working with patients, this will be ever more the case. But norms in big corporations in my experience don't like being upstaged, their routines changed, or to work beyond what's asked of them. It's all top down, which is endorsed and demonstrated by govt. Bottom up doesn't exist.
Sent from my GT-I9000 using proboards
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2013 0:37:38 GMT
Zzzzzzzzz....
;D
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2013 0:40:02 GMT
Lol!!!
|
|
|
Post by manson88 on Jun 13, 2013 6:10:06 GMT
Love that word "norms" they just don't get it do they? I had a mental health nurse one time telling me I was a "norm" ha lol If I was a "norm" I wouldn't be sitting in front of you. They are some enjoyment to work with Sent from my GT-I9300 using proboards
|
|
|
Post by DKL - darkknightslover on Jun 14, 2013 10:47:04 GMT
Hmmm yea I did got off on one for a bit didn't I... Sorry!
Sent from my GT-I9000 using proboards
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2013 11:05:59 GMT
wow shrew i thought i was the only one like that. i feel so comfortable around strangers but then as soon as they stop being strangers i become so awkward around them and hardly say a word. this is one of the reasons i find it hard to make friends. ;D I agree totally!! I normally get over this by drinking far too much and then flitting from person to person normally interrupting their conversations. This normally ends badly for me though as I always seem to go that one step too far!!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2013 11:36:24 GMT
Hi just had to comment about the above (those responses are sooo me) and @ Mike re impulse control.... yesterday at sports day (I was late!!) I got there just as my daughter was winning a race (she has just discovered her competitive side!) I actually BELLOWED my ds name as she ran in the following races and cheered as she won again...only to realize that it was the half way mark and the race was still going... and my daughter paused too, thinking she had won...aaarrrrr, a parent that i know(ish)-but don't ask me who their kids are, if they aint been to mine for tea I have no idea!- just looked at me with a look that quietly stated "You f**kwit" I actually feel like I develop tourettes at these sort of events! Then its just a blur of trying to work out who won, if it was my child, trying to make small talk which doesn't make me appear to be such a socially inept freak and creating chat where I don't have to use names that I will undoubtedly will have forgotten, whilst behaving as though I'm at the sidelines of my ds Olympic debut. Then I scuttle off before I have to engage in any "real" conversations. I've had a bit of an awkward day, I had to ask a relative if anyone was available (paid) to support/kick my ass into getting my paperwork done next week, before I face court proceedings! I also had to give a quick insight into ADD, which always makes me feel a complete pillock anyway... so sorry if this makes no sense. I m hoping as I'm on here it'll be OK
|
|
|
Post by jan on Jun 14, 2013 20:02:52 GMT
Hi just had to comment about the above (those responses are sooo me) and @ Mike re impulse control.... yesterday at sports day (I was late!!) I got there just as my daughter was winning a race (she has just discovered her competitive side!) I actually BELLOWED my ds name as she ran in the following races and cheered as she won again...only to realize that it was the half way mark and the race was still going... and my daughter paused too, thinking she had won...aaarrrrr, a parent that i know(ish)-but don't ask me who their kids are, if they aint been to mine for tea I have no idea!- just looked at me with a look that quietly stated "You f**kwit" I actually feel like I develop tourettes at these sort of events! Then its just a blur of trying to work out who won, if it was my child, trying to make small talk which doesn't make me appear to be such a socially inept freak and creating chat where I don't have to use names that I will undoubtedly will have forgotten, whilst behaving as though I'm at the sidelines of my ds Olympic debut. Then I scuttle off before I have to engage in any "real" conversations. oh gremico thank you so much for this post i came in from work knackered and feeling down , house mess everywhere then came on here and read your post and cracked up laughing and have been having good old giggle every time i think about it ever since sooooooo funny and laughing with you not at you as have done similar myself many times soooo funny
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2013 20:20:31 GMT
Haven't heard the word pillock for donkeys years - something about that word just makes me laugh.
|
|