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Post by lostinteachin47 on Sept 8, 2013 9:01:01 GMT
Hello, I am new to your forum and could really do with some advice as I feel so isolated and alone.
I am 47, married to a fantastic bloke, we've been together 27 years and we have 2 children.I am a teacher, hence the guest name , a returning teacher but feel a combination of things(possibly ADD related )ultimately cost me my job and it's these, plus other things I'd like to discuss with you here.
O.k, where to begin, this is part of what is becoming a huge problem for me.I have felt that something wasn't right for a long time if I'm honest.I shouldn't be so forgetful, I am embarrasingly tardy.I ALWAYS think I have longer to do things.It is causing me such stress it is starting to really impact on my life.I am finding it increasingly difficult to focus and maintain attention, when I was working I would often joke " when was this discussed?" as I would be in a meeting, thinking I was listening, but not.It became my catch phrase but soon wore thin.I knew that going back into teaching(I'm early years trained) would be hard after a gap of 13+ years but I had no idea how hard.I struggled with so much, a lot of it organisational and prioritising time and meeting deadlines, I would say that was the worst I got in soooo much trouble over that.I have always been a doodler but my head teacher, I had a lot of respect for him, I would really try and listen.I would make notes, copious notes but then I would lose said notes.I've just remembered another HUGE thing was losing/misplacing things.I can't tell you how many hours of my life I have spent looking for things.My life seems so chaotic, I used to be able to live like this but now I can't I really can't.I really feel like I have something wrong with me, why can't I just keep at something for long enough to complete it? Why do I find things so boring? Why are people so boring? Why can't I keep friends?
I had a real problem with my line manager in work, I think she felt she would tell me to do things and I would be like "yeah, yeah" and then I'd go off and do my own thing but that wasn't how it was I was trying, I was really trying.I was always the last one out of our team of 4 to hand in data/reports and they would always need redoing.I became so stressed with it all it was making me physically sick and I couldn't sleep.One of my colleagues would show me how to do something on the computer, I'd write it down, then I'd lose it and have to ask her again.I just felt so crap at what I was trying to do all the time.In the end I felt I had to leave, after only one year because they (my managers) spoke to me about my behaviour.I was not consistent enough, I wasn't managing my time effectively, I wasn't being pro-active enough, I wasn't being a team player.I can see all of these things were true but at the time, I was in the midst of it and really wasn't seeing what needed to be done. I am now scared to look for another job because of this experience.
It's really hard to put into words just how much of an impact this is having on me.My house is a mess, it has always been a mess.I try but lose interest so easily.I get easily sidetracked and its not fair on my husband or my children who can't have friends over.I will start with such good intentions, I am fit, there is nothing physically stopping me from a bit of hard graft .I feel I must be lazy and selfish.I can't go to my drs because I wouldn't know where to start.Everything I have read around this subject seems to focus on obtaining family history and whether you had it as a child.In my heart I feel I may have ADD but none of the hyperactivity traits.My memory is so poor, I don't read for pleasure anymore as I can't remember what I have read.I have often bought the same book twice! Other things I do is ask my husband how his day was/if he wants tea more than once.It's embarrasing, he thinks I am not listening to him.
I don't know what I want really, I suppose someone to say they recognise my symptoms/have them/had them.
I am really frustrated with myself as this job was my dream job and I just made such a monumental hash of it.I can teach, the teaching aspect was fine, it was everything else! I forgot what day it was once, I kid you not.The kids were meant to be in assembly and I let them out to play, my manager was so angry with me over that.I think my manager and head just thought I was incompetent, I really wasn't.I think they felt I didn't care but I did, I do.
Does this ring true with anyone? Any advice would be greatly received, thank you, and I'm sorry it's so long.
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Post by lostinteachin47 on Sept 8, 2013 9:57:34 GMT
Just wanted to add, to fill in some background.I truanted a lot from school because of bullying.what exams I did sit, I struggled with revising.I was one of those that found it hard to retain facts.I didn't do so well.I studied for something vocational and bumbled along in quite menial jobs for about 10 years.I never stayed in a job for longer than 2 years as I would get bored.I trained as a teacher as a mature student.I found this incredibly hard.I could manage the academic side of it, I liked structuring and writing essays it was the deadlines I found impossible.I would, and still do leave everything to literally the last minute.I would and still do, procrastinate so much.I would be throwing up in a bowl, next to my word processor from stress, sorry for the TMI but that is what I am like/was like.Even today, I have something to do and I am not doing it. I am late for nearly everything, I hate the way I am, I really do.My husband is so tidy and organised and I know I get on his nerves, he can't understand why I leave things to the last minute.I can't understand.Because of this there is never time to make adjustments which creates even more stress so invariably what I have submitted is wrong.the most recent thing I have started doing is reading instructions wrong! What is all that about? I know I need to get some help with this but I don't know how.
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Post by supine on Sept 8, 2013 20:25:03 GMT
Oh boy, you really need some friendly advice - you appear to have emotionally backed yourself in to a corner. There is a lot of what you've written that I can identify with, not much point highlighting which because I would be pretty much copying your post I have been through what you are going through (I'm still going through it to be honest) and it does get easier - I promise! Well, not easier as such, but more manageable perhaps. Ok, first thing you really need to do is forgive yourself and stop beating up on yourself so much. Sure, other people will be feeling the effects of what you are going through, but you are the one going through it in the first instance. Secondly, (pause to remember what I was going to type ) secondly.... oh yeah, girls exhibit ADHD symptoms completely differently to boys, especially at younger ages - so the absence of hyperactivity doesn't automatically mean you don't have ADHD. No-one on this site can tell you whether or not you have adhd, but it's clear you have issues that need to be resolved. The fact that you have come on here and openly admitted it, but also that you want to do something about it is a *major* step forward to a better life for you and your family. IT may not feel like it just yet because it's just the first step in a process, but the first step is the hardest. You aren't lazy. This is something I have really had trouble with in my life. Trust me, you're not - I can tell from the way you write that you aren't lazy (don't ask me how - I just do ok ) The best advice is that which I received when I first came on this board a little while ago. You need to arm yourself with knowledge about the condition. You need to write down which aspects of ADHD you think are affecting your daily life in a negative way. Writing all this down is crucial, because when you go and see a Dr. your mind can go blank, you can feel nervous - you wonder if they are just going to say 'get off your arse you lazy sod - there's nothing wrong with you'. If you arm yourself properly you will have all the answers. Once you have all the info together, go and see your GP. They cannot tell you if you have or haven't got ADHD - but they can, and should, refer you to a specialist in ADHD who *can* diagnose you. If they don't, get a second opinion. If that doesn't work - write to the practice manager, or even your MP. (If all else fails there are private options but that can be a problem if it would cause financial hardship). The specialist should be a psychiatrist with *experience* and knowledge of ADHD. If they aren't - there's no point in them seeing you is there? Make sure that they are and don't take no for an answer - this is your life and you'd bloody well better be ready to fight for it. Sorry to be blunt, but the NHS is stuck in the dark ages and most of them don't give a toss. You have to make sure they take you seriously, hence the arming yourself with info. If you go to your GP with a reasonable approach and tell them you think you might have ADHD, and present them with the info as to why - they simply cannot refuse. Now the bad news. The NHS is monolithic and beauracratic - it is rarely easy.. but it _is_ possible. When you get stuck, or pissed off, come on here and tell us and we will do what we can to help. We're all going through this, albeit at different stages. Last of all, smile. It isn't really as bad as it feels. I know it can feel like the worst thing in the world and completely frustrating and infuriating. The lack of knowing exactly what it is really does make it worse, so make it your top priority to follow through and talk to your GP. We're with you. Oh, no need to apologise on this site it's just understood.
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Post by Lesley on Sept 8, 2013 23:10:35 GMT
Supine's said everything that needs saying, really. Just wanted to add a personal note - I also never showed any sign of hyperactivity as a child. And by the time I went for a diagnosis (at 60+) there was no-one around who could talk about what I was like as a child - only my own memories. But I still managed to get the diagnosis.
I also identify with a lot of what you've written. For years I called myself lazy while knowing I wasn't really, but not understanding why I couldn't get things done.
Having the diagnosis makes such a difference in itself, even before any treatment starts. Do go and see your GP - once you've got the information together - and get the process started.
Good luck.
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Post by JJ on Sept 9, 2013 0:31:43 GMT
I can't add much more either - except to underline what lesley and supine have both said about hyperactivity - no one needs to have hyperactivity to have adhd. There are 3 types ADHD PH (primarily hyperactive/impulsive), PI (primarily inattentive) Combined (self-explanatory!) - secondly, I don't know the stats but I would have thought that more boys are diagnosed with hyperactivity than girls, so you're definitely not outside of the norms for adhd. I would definitely recommend you read a bit about adhd so that if your GP tries to tell you you can't have it because of any number of reasons that fit the generally percieved stereotype but that are nonetheless completely inaccurate, you'll know how to respond. The DSM criteria on wiki of course gives an overview, a bit more indepth and particularly to do with adults is Thomas Brown Executive Functions / Adhd - google it - it's only a page or so, so an overview, but a good one that you will relate to and that will give you confidence to move forward. I would also look at the NICE guidelines (CG72) - they're on the aadduk homepage - they validate that adults have adhd and say what your doctor should do (what supine said). No one here can diagnose you of course, but for your reassurance, everything you say sounds like adhd - and certainly enough to warrant your GP sending you for a proper assessment. Have a look round more on this forum - I suspect you'll feel gob-smacked by the number of posts written by people you don't know, but that you could have written yourself - it's a real eye-opener at first Lastly - every one of us has judged ourselves to be lazy and selfish and stupid ..... and so on..... You're not any of these - adhd makes keeping up with life's demands and performing on the same level as everyone else impossible and it's as real a disability as physical one - except it's hidden...so we blame ourselves... but it's not in our control to be everything we want to be and feel we should be - if were as easy as pulling your socks up or just sorting yourself out you wouldn't be writing this post now. xxxxx
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Post by lostinteachin47 on Sept 9, 2013 9:57:00 GMT
Oh boy, you really need some friendly advice - you appear to have emotionally backed yourself in to a corner. There is a lot of what you've written that I can identify with, not much point highlighting which because I would be pretty much copying your post Hi Supine, thank you for replying.I think it may have sounded like I wanted a diagnosis, I know I can't expect that, just someone to say, yeah, that sounds like me (kinda). I have been through what you are going through (I'm still going through it to be honest) and it does get easier - I promise! Well, not easier as such, but more manageable perhaps. This sounds reassuring as something else I wanted to talk about at some stage is that it feels like it is getting worse with age, or maybe I am not coping as well, or both! Ok, first thing you really need to do is forgive yourself and stop beating up on yourself so much. Sure, other people will be feeling the effects of what you are going through, but you are the one going through it in the first instance. I do still feel bad, really bad, as I think I have fudged things up for my family.It was so lovely earning again but I was becoming so stressed with it all it was really making me ill. Secondly, (pause to remember what I was going to type ) secondly.... oh yeah, girls exhibit ADHD symptoms completely differently to boys, especially at younger ages - so the absence of hyperactivity doesn't automatically mean you don't have ADHD. No-one on this site can tell you whether or not you have adhd, but it's clear you have issues that need to be resolved. The fact that you have come on here and openly admitted it, but also that you want to do something about it is a *major* step forward to a better life for you and your family. IT may not feel like it just yet because it's just the first step in a process, but the first step is the hardest. Yesterday, I felt relief after I had posted and the most positive I have felt in weeks. You aren't lazy. This is something I have really had trouble with in my life. Trust me, you're not - I can tell from the way you write that you aren't lazy (don't ask me how - I just do ok ) The best advice is that which I received when I first came on this board a little while ago. You need to arm yourself with knowledge about the condition. You need to write down which aspects of ADHD you think are affecting your daily life in a negative way. Writing all this down is crucial, because when you go and see a Dr. your mind can go blank, you can feel nervous - you wonder if they are just going to say 'get off your arse you lazy sod - there's nothing wrong with you'. If you arm yourself properly you will have all the answers. Once you have all the info together, go and see your GP. They cannot tell you if you have or haven't got ADHD - but they can, and should, refer you to a specialist in ADHD who *can* diagnose you. If they don't, get a second opinion. If that doesn't work - write to the practice manager, or even your MP. (If all else fails there are private options but that can be a problem if it would cause financial hardship). The specialist should be a psychiatrist with *experience* and knowledge of ADHD. If they aren't - there's no point in them seeing you is there? Make sure that they are and don't take no for an answer - this is your life and you'd bloody well better be ready to fight for it. Sorry to be blunt, but the NHS is stuck in the dark ages and most of them don't give a toss. You have to make sure they take you seriously, hence the arming yourself with info. If you go to your GP with a reasonable approach and tell them you think you might have ADHD, and present them with the info as to why - they simply cannot refuse. Now the bad news. The NHS is monolithic and beauracratic - it is rarely easy.. but it _is_ possible. When you get stuck, or pissed off, come on here and tell us and we will do what we can to help. We're all going through this, albeit at different stages. I will do, thank you x Last of all, smile. It isn't really as bad as it feels. I know it can feel like the worst thing in the world and completely frustrating and infuriating. The lack of knowing exactly what it is really does make it worse, so make it your top priority to follow through and talk to your GP. I think this is what it is all about, ultimately, I'd like to know , but wouldn't IYKWIM. We're with you. Oh, no need to apologise on this site it's just understood.
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Post by lostinteachin47 on Sept 9, 2013 10:00:42 GMT
Supine's said everything that needs saying, really. Just wanted to add a personal note - I also never showed any sign of hyperactivity as a child. And by the time I went for a diagnosis (at 60+) there was no-one around who could talk about what I was like as a child - only my own memories. But I still managed to get the diagnosis. I also identify with a lot of what you've written. For years I called myself lazy while knowing I wasn't really, but not understanding why I couldn't get things done. Having the diagnosis makes such a difference in itself, even before any treatment starts. Do go and see your GP - once you've got the information together - and get the process started. Good luck.
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Post by lostinteachin47 on Sept 9, 2013 10:04:06 GMT
Supine's said everything that needs saying, really. Just wanted to add a personal note - I also never showed any sign of hyperactivity as a child. And by the time I went for a diagnosis (at 60+) there was no-one around who could talk about what I was like as a child - only my own memories. But I still managed to get the diagnosis. I also identify with a lot of what you've written. For years I called myself lazy while knowing I wasn't really, but not understanding why I couldn't get things done. Having the diagnosis makes such a difference in itself, even before any treatment starts. Do go and see your GP - once you've got the information together - and get the process started. Good luck. Thank you for replying to my post Lesley, I did just try and reply to you but I think it, or I may have just reposted your reply (sorry)
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Post by lostinteachin47 on Sept 9, 2013 10:07:16 GMT
Thank you JJ for replying to my post and supplying me with such useful information.I will come back and post some more if I can.It's been such a relief to find this forum.
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Post by contrarymary on Sept 9, 2013 12:20:23 GMT
hi there. welcome to the forum!
i joined only a couple of weeks in advance of you, but am learning fast and feeling the huge sense of relief and sadness that everyone talks about - a realisation that it isn't just me and permission to put down the burden and simply be myself, and gently trust that i will be enough. it is so weird. but mostly good!
you have already had some amazing replies from lovely people who know far far more than i. when i first read your post (i'm sorry, it took me quite a few goes to get my head round) the thing that pinged into my head was a book which i have read bits of called "You mean I'm not Lazy, Crazy or Stupid?". it's about adults realising they have adhd and was specially written for women.
(i ordered a couple of books already and have partly read one and abandoned both - edward hallowell's acclaimed "driven to distraction" and one i can't even see now - something to do with organising myself, written by an adhd coach, but i've lost it!! even tho i couldn't keep up the attention to read them, i'm not letting myself get the far more comfortable read of YMINLCS until i really have "properly" tried to read the ones i've got.)
but there was something in your post which reminded me of the bits of YMINLCS which i've already read, so i wondered if you might appreciate it.
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Post by Kathymel on Sept 9, 2013 14:26:35 GMT
Hi Teach. Just wanted to say welcome to the forum.
Not much I can add to what's already been said, but I will say that arming yourself with information is one of the best ways to both start to understand why you are the way you are (and why this stuff isn't your fault) and to inform yourself in order to do effective battle with the NHS. Good luck. x
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Post by lostinteachin47 on Sept 9, 2013 15:16:46 GMT
Hi Kathymel, thanks for the welcome.I'm just beginning to start to think about really trying to do something about this and its both liberating and terrifying in equal measures!!!!
My heads been pretty buzzing today with stuff I'm more all over the place then usual.
I will come back and chat some more and try and read some more x
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Post by lostinteachin47 on Sept 9, 2013 15:19:45 GMT
Hi ContraryMary(love the name BTW) thanks for those book recommendations.
I know what you mean about my initial post it is quite hard to understand in places, I'm not sure what I was trying to say in parts of it.
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Post by contrarymary on Sept 9, 2013 16:13:43 GMT
"I know what you mean about my initial post it is quite hard to understand in places, I'm not sure what I was trying to say in parts of it." i do exactly the same myself when writing while tired or struggling or beginning something or doing it for the first time - lots of words, long paragraphs (or zillions of one-line paragraphs that are equally hard to follow) - i think it is actually symptomatic of adhd, or at least executive dysfunction. and when reading, my brain needs to have a break between paragraphs, but not to have had to concentrate on the paragraph for too long. so that's why i struggled to follow what you'd written. and that's why my posts are nearly always followed by about 5 trips back to edit. and that's usually when i realise that my three-sentence paragraphs actually have the three sentences in completely the wrong order. getting back to your original question - advice/perspective on what to do....as i said previously (i think) i'm only a couple of weeks ahead of you on this forum. i think i remember doing some reading around in the month or two before, falling across adhd and then books and then this forum. if i hadn't read a bit before arriving here i would be far more whizzed out by this forum than i actually am.... and almost addicted to that sense of uncovering and laying down burdens which for the first time in my life lets me truly go "phew" and feel relieved and accepted (me! who knew?). what i have decided to do is to get my ducks in a row before going off to talk to my gp.... i think i need to have a sound understanding, a good persuasive argument and an idea of what i would like him to do. so i'm hanging fire and gathering info slowly, so i can get my head round it, have a chance to think about childhood experiences which fit under the various symptom headings.... otherwise i know what happens when i get asked questions by doctors (or indeed by anyone where the answers are inside me or about me rather than factual or about something outside me) - i bat them away because i have no idea of the answer and the harder i try to hold onto the question the more i feel it floating away like a wisp of the wispiest cloud. so i roll up to my gp and go blank when quizzed, or start talking about asthma.... i am learning that my communication is generally like decorating - all in the preparation! hope there's something helpful in here - i can't actually remember that that is what i had intended to say. but welcome. breathe. take it a little slow. read and think. join in some of the lighter-hearted stuff. and don't worry - knowledge is power.
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Post by Kathymel on Sept 9, 2013 19:20:19 GMT
what i have decided to do is to get my ducks in a row before going off to talk to my gp.... i think i need to have a sound understanding, a good persuasive argument and an idea of what i would like him to do. so i'm hanging fire and gathering info slowly, so i can get my head round it, have a chance to think about childhood experiences which fit under the various symptom headings.... Excellent decision and wonderful metaphor. Not heard, 'get my ducks in a row' before.
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Post by jan on Sept 9, 2013 21:41:04 GMT
hi teach -( I like that abbreviation kath ) just another little welcome message - no more advice to add - all been said above really - good luck with the books - I've got all those mentioned (and a stack of others that bought at addis conference last year ) havn't got to the end of one of them yet so hope you do better than me
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