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Post by contrarymary on Nov 16, 2013 8:44:34 GMT
been here long enough to need to find a corner i can call my own and chill out in and set my own rules for clutter and focus...... hello contrarycorner.
i need a to do list today - or at least a Done list - too many days have slipped away with no idea where they have gone and had that annoying sense of being busy all day but nothing to show for it.
i hereby declare that today will be different!! having had almost no sleep and with a quiet catch up, chill and rest day planned i will monitor my day and see how much of what i had hoped to do actually gets done, and where my day goes... starting NOW (well, starting at 5 bloody 30 when i woke up after 4 hrs sleep, but hey... hopefully productive day and early night and LOADS of sleep tonight... or even an afternoon snooze...)
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 17, 2013 18:06:20 GMT
writing (and stationery)
i had an urgent need to delete the previous two posts... i am hoping to work out why, and if other people struggle with this. i wonder if it is me, or adhd, or something else.
when i write reactively - eg in response to someone else's post - i can organise my thoughts, think what to say, and am relatively clear, cogent, fluent. unless i am having a bad day i will only edit when i see typos or if a paragraph has the sentences in the wrong order or if i see it could be said a lot more simply.. or for other reasons that i understand and can live with.
but when i am writing "fresh" so to speak - ie not responding to something - i struggle to work out what i am saying, what the shape or style is or how to express myself to the point of grinding to a halt, if i ever get going at all. it is as tho i need the hook or the framework of reaction in order to act. (in some senses it reminds me a little of the way in which i struggle with open questions, or getting information that's about me out of my brain in order to communicate it.)
most of my writing in the last year or two has been short pieces or articles or talks in response to a theme or brief i have been given, for a particular role or event. or inspiration has come from a seemingly unconnected series of events and i realise that tying them together in a short piece will illustrate a need or a consolidate a learning objective, so i work on something until it fulfils that role.... and then i will forget it, and not even use it, and move on.
so most stuff tends to be written because of burning issues or tight against pressing deadlines, last minute and the equivalent of writing a first draft - as tho it has all happened in my head already and my role is to write it down, or at the very last possible minute... adrenaline fuelled by the need for action or to meet external demands. left to my own devices, without external accountability, it gets procrastinated and then disappears.....
................
i love stationery. i have some wonderful notebooks, writing journals etc around the house. i used to fall in love these hard back books or journals or notebooks and buy them. but most of them are unused. i always struggle with knowing how to begin, or having too many ideas about how i will use them, or worrying that when i begin to use them i will somehow "get it wrong" and "spoil them".
indeed, the few books i have begun to use i have abandoned after a few pages because i am no longer happy with how/what i was doing/writing and don't want to have to keep going in the same book which has already been spoilt. and at the same time there is something in me that resists tearing out the pages and starting afresh. in case i need them, or forget them, or because it has already been used - i don't know.
i wonder if that is what i have been doing with this thread - struggling to get going, not liking what i have seen, tearing out the virtual pages in order to begin anew. and is this me, or adhd, or something else?
i would so love to understand - and even begin to find a way around or through this. any ideas?
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Post by petra on Nov 17, 2013 20:38:08 GMT
For me, its just not knowing where to start, and being totally overwhelmed by the possibilities of where I could start, together with wanting and expecting complete perfection with a good dose of procrastination all mixed together.
I've got a lovely notebook for a specific purpose, and am really excited by all the things I want to write in it - it's been in my drawer for months now. I honestly don't know how to break the barrier to begin writing in it. Am hoping a wave of inspiration just hits me at some point...that or medication!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2013 21:22:52 GMT
I used to do all these things, just as you described contrarymary, for the same reasons as petra. I don't do it anymore though. I really can't explain whether that's the result of meds, or if it's also related to confidence which I've gained through therapy. I bought a beautiful book earlier this year, to write a diary as part of some self-help stuff I was doing. I just started writing. It's ruined now because my writing changed with my mood, and I crossed a lot out, but I'm quite comfortable with the idea of tearing the pages out and using the rest of it for something else. I would not have felt this way a few years ago. I'll mull this over and try to work out what was at the heart of it x
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2013 9:59:10 GMT
I think I know what was at the heart of my never-used stationary. Procrastination was a big part of it and just an ADHD thing. But the perfectionism was a bit more complicated for me. I had that feeling petra mentioned recently in the mindlessness thread - not wanting to start something I wouldn't finish. I also think (just my opinion) that ADHD perfectionism is related to our disliking of chaos - we may create it, but we don't like it! A messy, ruined book represents a lack of organisation, and becomes another bit of clutter. If we don't use it, it remains something useful (at least that's how I'd rationalise it!). If that makes sense I also used to have a fear of making mistakes, combined with wanting to avoid anything that would draw attention to me and my lack of perfection. (I also used to buy clothes I really liked, but didn't wear because of this). A ruined book is a reminder of 'not being good enough'. I overcame this in 2 ways. Firstly, I was asked to keep a log of my therapy sessions. My therapist advised buying a small, attractive book. So this was relatively easy because it served a purpose, and someone else had prompted me to do it. Therapy helped with the lack of confidence. Secondly, I needed to get more organised with getting coursework done. I had bits of paper everywhere, and notebooks I couldn't make sense of, or find the info I needed. So I started buying those ring-bound books with perforated pages. These have been an absolute godsend. I can tear pages out, keep using the book, and keep what I've written stapled together in a file. I sometimes buy ones with sections, so I can use one for multiple ideas at the same time. Once I got into the habit of using my books, it was fairly easy to buy the book I mentioned in my last post and start using it. Hope that helps! x
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2013 16:16:12 GMT
For me, its just not knowing where to start, and being totally overwhelmed by the possibilities of where I could start Story of my life. Today, I've realised that when I wake up and I don't need to go to work, I run through the things I have planned, then try and work out the thing which must happen before I can do them. I then dismiss most of the plans and choose the one which absolutely must happen. After working out about five things in the prerequisite list for this thing, I kinda give up and amuse myself for a bit before finally completing item #1. Item 1 is usually something inane like... eating food/showering/shaving. Item #2 does not commence until I've entered the 'I am definitely now late' window, along with #3, #4 and #5. Somewhere in between #1 and #2 my brain gets a few sips of medication which makes me realise things I completely forgot and didn't even write down. Like paying a 50 quid fine from 3 months ago which some debt collection agency has been ringing me about. I dread to think how big the fine is now (wasn't even a fine, I cancelled a direct debit too early and just kinda forgot about it ever since). The window of cognisance isn't long enough to crack my entire list and I wonder how much medication it would take to get to that point
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 18, 2013 17:00:14 GMT
organising, and balancing
all of what @michael just said is exactly me, which is why i have two sheets of flipchart paper bluetacked to the wall of my hall.
one has a list of priorities and reminders for the week. i try to work it out at the beginning of the week. how well my week runs seems to depend pretty closely on how well i do this. if i don't think it through or do it just to get it done it isn't a useful tool so i pretty much ignore it. it generally takes me most of the week to realise i'm floundering because i have nothing useful or relevant to follow. and that's another bit of life gone. and i'm in more of a mess than i had thought. but on a good week it steers me and reminds me and gives me a sense of achievement. i don't know why i can't do it sometimes and can at others.
in one corner it has a small green list of all the balance / health activities i might try to include in a good week.. i keep a tally system so each time i do an activity i put a mark next to the thing... getting to bed on time/getting a good sleep, or doing yoga, or meditating or exercising, eating well for a day, having social time or creative time or time for greenness /natural things ... again, a good week is one which has been balanced, and when i am struggling i try to remember to come and look and make myself choose something from that list to do for an hour to find a sense of balance/wellness.
last week i eventually realised that if i meditate regularly but don't exercise, or sleep well but don't eat well my week still doesn't feel particularly good, so the secret really IS in the balance of it all, and trying to include as many things from the list as possible.
the second piece of paper is simply a hand-drawn schedule of this week and next week, and i slot in things from the priorities list - strangely things don't get done unless i find a time to do them. and if i seem to be running out of time then it helps to be able to see what i am spending my time on and where there are gaps.
apparently i have inadvertently stumbled into doing steps 3-5 of a copyrighted organising system, and the reason it might not work is because i expect to do steps 1-2 in my head. but i don't remember where i read that or what they were so i'm stuck with the middle to the end, which works suprisingly often for something that's not all there.
it sounds really organised i know but it is simply the latest in many, many different systems i have tried over many years. it seems to work for now because i use colours and it is big and on the wall. and it makes me accountable, somehow....
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 18, 2013 17:20:04 GMT
stationery (again) and re-fried brains
i had to buy stationery today - a very particular project and had actually given me a stationery budget! i found myself being directed round Staples by a very kind, thoughtful, amazing friend who had helped me work out the shopping list last monday and took me shopping today. (it would be huge and overwhelming were i to go on my own, and i'd probably have to live there for a few days before making any decisions.)
but my friend kindly pointed me from one relevant display to another, focused my attention on the things we had agreed i needed, and answered my sometimes inane questions with great patience. after 30 mins i found myself hugging a ring binder that had rubbery edges and came in great colours, mostly because i could open it with one hand and it made me feel good. (i don't mean hugging as in carrying, i mean hugging as in cuddling)
self control r us - i only splashed out on one packet of very colourful clips, rubber bands, pins and paper clips. and one A4 hardbacked, ringbound notebook of the type @dizzynerd describes for coursework above. ( i loved its recycled, brown paper, sepia-coloured lines of gentleness. and again, it was good to hug.) one hour, shopping all done. result.
when we got back we actually had to do the work i'd bought the supplies for - sorting, filing, archiving, listing then photocopying stuff. not much fun, even with bright and huggable folders. my working memory didn't work and i was really stressed by having lots of steps to get through, setting up and learning a new system. a few times i found myself at screaming point because of really stupid things, eg when i couldn't manage to get the papers over all 4 holes to go in the ring binder, or remember which papers went behind which coloured divider.
for the fourth time in three days i felt like someone with a serious learning disability - i couldn't concentrate for long enough to get my head round what i was doing and wanted to scream/give up/run away.
i know i'm not doing so well just now because of a failed medication experiment last week - trying to control tics enough for dental treatment. good old benzos didn't work at all - all they did was remove my ability to suppress tics, and took away my self-consciousness about verbal and physical tics. result - i have been really loud and very twitchy, but didn't mind!
but sadly it's also re-fried my attention, focus, concentration, communication, social skills....... hopefully it'll wear off really soon and Normal Me will be resumed, but sometimes i do worry about my brain.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2013 22:54:47 GMT
My brain is also fried today, so I can't say anything helpful So instead - *big hug* xxx
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Post by petra on Nov 19, 2013 1:06:25 GMT
Ditto xx
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 20, 2013 8:15:04 GMT
inflexible brains, and new thingstoday is a day of big deadlines. i have to write a short article and a short report. both around 800-1000 words, on the same subject, but for two different organisations and different styles. i haven't written anything for a month or so and didn't realise both the deadlines were today until yesterday, but couldn't make myself start yesterday. (tho, to be fair, i did feel pretty ill. today i don't feel much better but i have 8 hours to be finished. but it's due to be cold and grey with no sunshine yesterday was sunny , but i was defeated by online supermarket shopping. my first attempt in two months and the buggers had changed the website from something i could do quite easily to something i couldn't understand, was thoroughly confused by, couldn't follow.... the "basket" had become a list of pictures and i found myself struggling to name what i saw, as tho my visual processing had switched off without the words. which was scary in itself. without the constant script errors on top..... within 5 mins i was yelling at the computer and eventually - after 2 hours to get 18 things in my basket - cut short my shop, tho couldn't do without some stuff. strangely tho, when i went back to amend the order with stuff i had forgotten, it seemed to have got easier... or at least, marginally less impossible. what on earth is it about things changing, or being new, and me not understanding them instantly that is so bloody impossible to get my head round. at the mo it seems that my brain is simply rejecting the situation rather than learning. and what's with this visual processing thing? there is a flexibility missing in my head. except perhaps with crisis or really shiny things.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2013 11:19:33 GMT
Your first paragraph makes me uneasy before I've even started reading the rest. I'd be neurotic about which of the two to start, then procrastinate into a mindset for the first, eventually get going and then find another style really difficult to focus into and be totally exhausted. Or, as was prevalent in my University days, have a drink and flit between the two like a maniac. Really important projects were started last minute and I'd work through the night for the deadline, hand in, come back totally exhausted but still wouldn't be able to sleep because my head was spinning. Then I'd eventually sleep for two days making me totally unproductive until the next deadline or panic. How can that sort of life be useful to anyone? Well come work life, it wasn't was it Yep, know that one really well!! See above
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2013 16:56:12 GMT
I have zero flexibility in my head I don't know why this is, but I cannot 'translate' visual stuff to words without tremendous effort. I've always had this issue that I need incoming info to be in the exact format I'll be using it. I've always hated shopping and rarely use lists. It's only now I've read your post that I realise I visualise the shops I go to and literally see in my mind the things I buy as images, not a list. My local supermarket had a complete refit recently, moving everything around. I hate it, am still not used to it. I get quite wound up when I shop there.
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 20, 2013 20:45:40 GMT
Yep, know that one really well!! See above i think i'm talking about an extra lack of flexibiity which i've noticed more, more recently. i think - i'm hoping - it may be a drug thing and my brain may regain - something, soon. but i'm a bit worried that this is how i used to be when i was taking all these meds... no wonder i lost a lot of friends. as opposed to that normal lack of flexibility which i had previously begun to have some insight into. btw thank you So Much for not using blue in this msg - i can't focus properly on that colour against the grey screen so i keep having to skip most of your posts.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2013 21:02:11 GMT
Yep, know that one really well!! See above i think i'm talking about an extra lack of flexibiity which i've noticed more, more recently. i think - i'm hoping - it may be a drug thing and my brain may regain - something, soon. but i'm a bit worried that this is how i used to be when i was taking all these meds... no wonder i lost a lot of friends. as opposed to that normal lack of flexibility which i had previously begun to have some insight into. btw thank you So Much for not using blue in this msg - i can't focus properly on that colour against the grey screen so i keep having to skip most of your posts. Sorry about the blue. I do it because I can't often distinguish between the black of OPs and replies, and think that others suffer in the same way. I suppose the flexibility is a matter of degree in all of us, but there are times when I just cannot switch at all - especially during high stress levels. But I take your point about a personal to you effect possibly caused by meds. One thing I used to do was pretend I was someone else and act them out in calmness. That way I'd reduce my symptoms somewhat. Bizarre really. But as soon as the pressure was on, I'd return to type.
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 21, 2013 16:54:03 GMT
doing things differentlytoday was the day of the overtired hangover feeling, the fell-asleep-sitting-up stiff neck, the supermarket delivery fiasco, the endlessly ringing doorbell and the teeming inbox. and that was all before 10 am. and then i realised that i don't actually have to struggle. i don't have to be beating myself up to get stuff done just because it's on my to do list or in my intray or inbox but can - for once - choose to take things gently and have a nice day. sadly it took me until after midday to work this out, but half a nice day is better than none so i let go. i let go of the difficult supermarket delivery and the strange substitutions which weren't what i asked for and thought instead how lucky i am to have food, and to have it brought to my house i let go of all the things i'd thought were crying out for my attention. instead i thought how how great it was that the winter sun was shining so brightly, and took a few moments here and there to watch the squirrel digging for seed, or the robin flexing his legs before jumping off the fence rather than focussing on the delayed delivery, inadequate postage and enormous unexpected customs charges of my brother's birthday present which had taken six weeks to arrive from the states, i laughed at the calendar (from despair.com) and enjoyed wrapping it and making a bow out of scrap paper and packaging it up for him to get in a day or two i wrote a couple of very short howru emails to friends who are struggling at the moment, and a couple of hello! texts to friends/family members who popped into my head. i re-read yesterday's pieces i'd written and, whilst i could see where they couldn've been polished, let go of perfectionist me and thought they were good enough i had a shower and washed my hair, put on clean PJs and caught up with the forum. (and So Amazing to see the well done shouts - thank you, kind & lovely people ) it'll wear off, of course. i'll most likely be stressed again before the end of the day, or by the time i get woken at 5.30 am by my upstairs neighbours, or some other time in the very near future but, for now, i'm doing things differently, i'm letting go of stress and the need to react to stuff and just going with what feels ...good. not in a procrastination way, but in a what actually feels good way. and it's GREAT
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Post by Kathymel on Nov 23, 2013 15:20:50 GMT
Hope the feel-good feelings continued beyond Thursday.
It sounds like you got a fair bit done once you relaxed and stopped stressing. Keeping in touch with family and friends is something I fall down on all the time. Well done.
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Post by JJ on Nov 24, 2013 17:05:14 GMT
I'm really enjoying your thread CMary xxx Am impressed you got that despair calendar - I saw it in Petra's post - looked on it and thought it was soooo fab . Decided to order one, looked through all the options, got overwhelmed, so left it . Well done for making it past the choosing stage
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Post by Kathymel on Nov 24, 2013 17:35:59 GMT
I hadn't looked at the calendar until now. How much was the customs charge, Contrarymary?
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 24, 2013 19:17:30 GMT
the customs charge was a BUGGER. well the customs charge was about £2 but the royal mail handling fee for when there is a customs charge is £8!!
and there wouldn't have been one at all had i not "efficiently" ordered a t-shirt for my brother for his christmas present at the same time!
but, learning from my experience, the smart way to do it is to order posters or calendars or any printed stuff on one order, and non-printed stuff (eg t-shirts) separately. there are no charges on paper/printed goods and thus no royal mail handling fee!
new customs rules are something like, if a package comes to the UK from outside the EEA then anything over £15 value and up to £30 has one charge (i think a couple of £s) and then there is a sliding scale up. When it gets to a couple of hundred £ it becomes more serious money.
they are seriously seriously cool calendars... i am trying to remember that rather than focussing on everything that went wrong!!
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 24, 2013 19:21:26 GMT
I'm really enjoying your thread CMary xxx Am impressed you got that despair calendar - I saw it in Petra's post - looked on it and thought it was soooo fab . Decided to order one, looked through all the options, got overwhelmed, so left it . Well done for making it past the choosing stage i ws feeling a bit self-indulgent here, and had decided i should wipe it out and start again (again) so thank you for that jj and thank you too for reminding me where i'd heard of despair (so to speak) and Thank You petra for telling me about despair.com - brilliant!!! that's a salt pipe and my brother's presents i've been influenced into on this forum .... both excellent
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Post by Kathymel on Nov 24, 2013 20:11:12 GMT
Thanks for that info, Mary. I think I shall get one for S. Ex. He does management training for a living so it will go down a treat.
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Post by JJ on Nov 24, 2013 20:28:12 GMT
Tish-tosh about self-indulgent - I get the self-consciousness thing of course - but absolutely, you shouldn't let that stop you The thread is appropriately entitled and your first sentences explain the content - no one has to read it if they don't want to and, even if no one benefitted from yr thread at all aside from you, that still makes 1 person with adhd that's gaining But actually, it's very enjoyable reading (so a tick from me) and now Kathy's going to get a calendar too - so she's got an Xmas present sorted (tick her), her ex is getting a cool calendar coming (tick him), the despair company's business is being helped (tick them) - everyone's a winner - and that's only analysing one sentence
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 24, 2013 22:37:50 GMT
But actually, it's very enjoyable reading (so a tick from me) and now Kathy's going to get a calendar too - so she's got an Xmas present sorted (tick her), her ex is getting a cool calendar coming (tick him), the despair company's business is being helped (tick them) - everyone's a winner - and that's only analysing one sentence wow! welcome back JJ!
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 29, 2013 20:20:19 GMT
om, flexibility and routine
recently one of my friends in the states sent me details of a free online 3-week meditation course. today is day 18 and, altho i am running a day behind, i have meditated every day for the last 18 days, sometimes twice in a day.
it is seriously strange to me that i have been consistent, albeit in an inconsistent way. and interesting to see how far my pattern (because i cannot for the life of me call it a routine) has been seriously thrown by adding in this new thing. i have found myself utterly unable to work out how it fits in in a way that makes sense to me. in fact it has not "clicked" into place but made a place by dislodging everything else.
in order to consistently do the meditation of this course i have let go of yoga, abandoned exercise, given up tv, stopped reading, changed my sleeping pattern (indeed, given up having enough sleep), spent less time in the shower and curtailed the meditation i was already practicing. i've even changed what i am eating. in short, in order to take up this short course i have had to prioritise it above all the other activities i normally do to give myself some sort of balance and consistency.
i have had a fair amount of activity on recently, which may have something to do with how exhausted i am just now. and i still haven't recovered from the conference activity of mid october, where i over-rode my normally careful pacing. then of course the clocks going back and adjusting to life without enough daylight is always pretty knackering too. but something tells me taking up meditation - or taking up a fixed routine - has exhausted me too.
i think it has something to do with the transitory nature of the meditation. not in any very deep and meaningful sense, but the fact that this course was 21 days and it was use it or lose the opportunity meant that i prioritised it above pre-existing activity and my customary patterns. and made me realise that the way that i live my life is actually pretty flexible and reactive, because that works for me both mentally and physically.
when i have one sort of energy in the morning i will usually meditate, with another sort i will do breathing exercises and gentle yoga stretches. sometimes i will begin my evenings on the laptop or the phone, emailing or texting or posting on the forum. i unwind towards the end of the day by watching tv, or listening to music, or reading. i am guided by preference but preference is usually guided by capacity, and what i am capable of usually has some sort of good sense at the base of it even when i have absolutely no idea why one activity appeals more than another. when i pick the wrong thing, because i had planned it rather than because it feels right, i have to overcome procrastination and physical resistance and invariably regret it.
what i have done these past 18 days is try to make something routine which doesn't fit with my ever-changing capacity, but done it whether it felt right or not. meditation is not exhausting in itself, obviously, but the effort in making myself stick to a fixed practice "for my own good" has been strangely mentally and physically exhausting. i feel centred, clearer, have new insight and perspective that i cannot easily explain and i wouldn't change the experience for anything, but i am knackered.
i have absolutely loved the meditation itself, but as usual found that i cannot do things because of time pressure, no matter what the activity or the motivation. i would generally rather miss out that have to stress to fit something in, i cannot speed up to get the train or cut to the chase in an explanation or rush around to get out the door. or meditate 21 days in a row because it's free.
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Post by JJ on Nov 30, 2013 23:22:30 GMT
How much time per day did you devote to this meditation - my impression is it sounds like a lot.... I read about meditation and listen to you and others here, but I just can't see how you do it - how you sit still and take control of your thoughts.... I did do some meditation of sorts once - for a couple of months I think - but my motivating factor was overwhelming and immediate (it was to de-stress in order to maximise my chances of conceiving and maximise my chances of IVF if it came that and I was told it was literally my last chance cos of my age) - so I did it, but it was v hard. It made me feel better, I'm def not dissing the benefits - they were significant and tangible - (and I fell pregnant ) - but I don't know how you motivate yourself without an overwhelming need....
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Post by contrarymary on Dec 6, 2013 20:03:52 GMT
external accountability, being sick and being tired
on the procrastination thread i talked about how i look for external accountability with as much as possible in order to overcome procrastinations. in writing that it made me realise that this is what i have always done - for years and years and years. possibly for ever. and i hadn't ever realised that before.
when i was first ill i had an illness that was one of pain and exhaustion.... some months were Bad, and i couldn't do anything. i was thus out of the pattern of going out of the house to go to work. even when "better" (aka less bad) i used to struggle to get myself to leave the house because i was simply exhausted all the time. and i would start off with enough time but not be able to get myself together, and unable to imagine being able to actually walk to the bus stop. and i would run out of time to get to where i needed to go by public transport and would either have to not go or go by cab.
so i would book a cab for the last possible moment and then get ready at the last possible moment, thus making the taxi driver (and the fact i would have to pay "waiting time") my external accountability. once i was out of the house i was on a roll and could keep going and keep engaged and motivated and be excited by the activity and the interaction and ignore how exhausted i was or how much pain i was in.
but once back home i would switch off and allow how i was feeling to catch up with me and collapse. and it would take me two or three days before i could even think about getting dressed again.... and then i would do it all over again.
now i wonder. was an illness of physical pain and exhaustion the worst to have alongside adhd? or is it actually a part of adhd? perhaps something co-morbid or commonly occurring or connected in some way? is it to do with the fact that i'd worked so many zillions of hours for such a long time? now even tho i've had other symptoms and other diagnoses since then, i still wonder, how far might the fatigue be a part of the adhd? or simply feed into the adhd symptoms so that things spiral....?
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Post by contrarymary on Dec 6, 2013 20:10:09 GMT
How much time per day did you devote to this meditation - my impression is it sounds like a lot.... strangely it was only 20 mins - but somehow i needed to wind myself down to be able to get ready for it, and that took another 20 mins or so. and before that i would procrastinate preparing to prepare, and that might have taken a few minutes more.... but it was only a 21 day course, and i finished it (even tho i procrastinated doing the last two days until they had nearly expired! but 21 days is astonishing for me. don't know if i'd manage every day - think it was shiny becos it was time-limited... but now i'm procrastinating my four-month habit of early morning yoga, because i can't decide whether to do yoga first or meditation first, and since the clocks went back i don't want to do yoga until the day is light, but it feels "wrong" to do meditation if my body isn't stretched out and relaxed.. so i'm not doing meditation because the course is over and i'm not doing yoga because it's dark in the mornings, and now i can't work out how to start the day so i stay in bed and procrastinate getting up ... aaggh.
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Post by fuzzywuzzy on Dec 7, 2013 1:38:53 GMT
writing (and stationery)i love stationery. i have some wonderful notebooks, writing journals etc around the house. i used to fall in love these hard back books or journals or notebooks and buy them. but most of them are unused. i always struggle with knowing how to begin, or having too many ideas about how i will use them, or worrying that when i begin to use them i will somehow "get it wrong" and "spoil them". indeed, the few books i have begun to use i have abandoned after a few pages because i am no longer happy with how/what i was doing/writing and don't want to have to keep going in the same book which has already been spoilt. and at the same time there is something in me that resists tearing out the pages and starting afresh. in case i need them, or forget them, or because it has already been used My apologies CM for having only just seen this.....I'm still playing catch up..... As I read it I felt total shock and utter relief.... That yes it may be a bit nutty but hallelujah I am not the only one I would never, ever be able to admit to such nuttiness anywhere else, except for on here....it really is a form of therapy....and a feeling of like- albeit it mad- mindedness..... I know that doesn't help give you any solutions but I'm truly grateful to you for bringing it up....otherwise I might never have known that these weird, seemingly trivial conflicts were not restricted to my club of one! Like both you and Petra I get excited by the purchasing of all these lovely items....and excited by all the things I might write or record in them............but I also think that most of the time once I've bought them, the mere fact that I have them in my possession means that my mind actually convinces itself that it has already accomplished whatever it was for which they were needed
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2013 1:46:51 GMT
the mere fact that I have them in my possession means that my mind actually convinces itself that it has already accomplished whatever it was for which they were needed Quite
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