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Post by carly31 on Jun 9, 2014 22:45:43 GMT
I've been reading quite a lot about ADHD since making my first post about having difficulty with my diagnosis. It's fair to say I've got a hyperfocus on! I'm currently reading the driven to distraction book which is proving to be quite soothing. I'm identifying with most of the stories in one way or another. So I understand now that ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, more like a disorder of self-control and self-regulation. This makes more sense to me. I've always known the things I need to succeed but never really understood why I needed them. I like boundaries. If you want me to fail at anything just give me free reign. I like consequences, immediate consequences. Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it well. Let me figure it out by myself and you'll be waiting a long time! I spoke to my mum about ADHD in a roundabout way and she said had the same issues as me- although not as physically hyper- she is restless and she hyperfocuses and loses interest in things before she's finished. My sister is a SENCO and she said she wouldn't be surprised if I had ADHD. So the whole family thing went much better than anticipated. It makes sense now why I was labelled the naughty child. Why everyone had low expectations of me, why nobody was surprised I got into drugs, alcohol, extreme sports, why I never reached my potential etc. My self-esteem issues started when I was about 4-5yrs old in primary school. Everything else I experienced just layered on top, slowly building up the idea that there was something wrong with me. I was punished for being myself. Punishments didn't work because I didn't know what I was doing wrong! My anger at being misunderstood was punished, everything I did was apparently wrong and I grew up being ashamed of myself. I never learnt that it was my behaviour that people didn't like because I never meant to behave in a bad way. That's still true to this day. That's not to say I can't be a handful, because I can, but that's because I feel let down by people and quite frankly I'm a little bit resentful about it. I'm currently in a hyperfocus about this so it's nice to have something to focus on. That's why hyperfocus is so addictive for me. It's the one time I feel in control. Sometimes it's productive- like mastering skills- but sometimes it's destructive. The worst hyperfocus I get is falling in lust with people. They're always emotionally unavailable people but I spend every waking hour daydreaming about the possibilities. I am more aware that it is a hyperfocus now. It was very destructive before, I just hadn't learnt the art and game of flirting, now I'm better at treading carefully but no better at resisting limerence . The next thing I need to decide is whether I want to try medication. I don't, because I'm against putting chemicals in my body (now that I'm an ex: smoker, drinker, drug taker I've taken up fascism against these vices JK) I think that there is still part of me resisting psychiatry. On the other hand I am really miserable with my life and my inability to reach my full potential. hmmm I guess there's no harm in trying. Has anyone else had difficulty with trusting doctors?
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Post by contrarymary on Jun 10, 2014 7:12:52 GMT
well said. keep reading - many of us find it really helpful to understand at some depth before we seek any medical input.
and yes to difficulty trusting doctors. they have a lot of power in our society and they get things wrong but this is only ever acknowledged in extreme cases. some are - at best - careless of the power they wield. it can be difficult to withstand the opinions of medical professionals, and worth being well-informed beforehand.
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Post by carly31 on Jun 10, 2014 21:51:54 GMT
I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way.
I pushed for a diagnosis but then felt like a fraud once I was told that my symptoms are clinically significant.
It was a bit of strange assessment. It didn't help that I got really cross because I found the nurse rude- or maybe it did help?? I saw a nurse for the first half who took a life history. He said he thought I was hyperactive and impulsive type. He then met with the consultants for half hour. Then I had another 1.5 hrs with another man- who may have been a student doctor or nurse- who was with another doctor who didn't speak at all. I was there a good 4 or 5 hours in total. I have to wait a couple of months now before they start medication because I'm currently in a relapse of PTSD.
I still feel anxious that I'm a fraud though. I can't really explain. I keep thinking that maybe I have borderline personality instead. It's almost as if I believe that there is something wrong with me, with my personality, rather than it being a neurodevelopmental thing. Hmm well, that's something I could do with addressing in therapy!!
That fraud thing is common though isn't it? Like a secondary symptom of never being good enough growing up. One minute I'm coming to terms with it, the next I'm convinced it's all in my head.
Did/does anyone else feel like that?
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Post by inca on Jun 10, 2014 22:01:54 GMT
Definitely. Would like to say it Will pass, but over a year on i still get days that i feel the diagnosis was incorrect and i just need to try harder to be like everyone else. think maybe that would be the case for any long term thing you've never known about, cos you learn to live with it, so it becomes just another part of you - even if it is self destructive and annoying!
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Post by carly31 on Jun 10, 2014 22:17:44 GMT
Ye I guess old thinking habits take a long time to undo :/
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Post by nemo on Jun 10, 2014 22:43:41 GMT
I find that just when I doubt the most, something comes along to remind me there's a reason 3 psych professionals have all confirmed my dx.
To doubt, to a certain extent, is healthy. In general terms, being a sceptic is a good thing, I think.
But when the the evidence becomes overwhelming, like the hyperfocus problems you mention (which I can really relate to), there comes a point where you have to have to acknowledge the dx despite what your self esteem wants you to think.
It is hard to break those negative thought patterns though. Keep at it
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2014 9:43:28 GMT
The 'fraud' feeling dissipates with time.
I had it for several years and needed to 'rediagnose' myself to be comfortable again. I think I had my last 'crisis' nearly five years in, though it was definitely the end of it tailing off.
If you have a local support group it might be worth going along to that just to remind yourself that 'this is what ADHD looks like'.
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Post by carly31 on Jun 12, 2014 10:04:41 GMT
I suppose the diagnosis is bringing a lot of things up from the past. It's almost as if I have to change my entire internal dialogue, changing the whole story I had about myself. Suppose the angst is because it's painful to think that there was a reason yet liberating to learn that I'm not a bad person afterall.
I've found a support group and going tomorrow eve.
Thank you all for sharing with me, it's really helped to know I'm not alone cx
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2014 12:34:46 GMT
There's a lot of self examination required to understand what is desirable and what you see as issues to address.
The more aware you get the more you realise that it's normal to live in denial of some unsavoury behaviors that you've been able to sweep under the carpet and ignore.
And after diagnosis there is the potential for this awareness to increase - I realised what a complete arse I'd been and that I'd wasted 45 years of my life.
You can't go back to apologise and you might start to grieve over those lost years.
That might sound awful but it's better than living with unfettered ADHD.
I wouldn't go back.
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Post by carly31 on Jun 13, 2014 13:32:50 GMT
I'm a firm believer in grieving planetdave. A lot of the self esteem issues I feel come from childhood. Im not depressed, but I feel totally miserable and responsible for everybody's suffering. That's from having grown up with adults who were unhappy and transferring all of their shit onto me. Ive got to rethink these beliefs from an adults view point now. Gotta be the parent to myself. Talking to my mum, she said I was a difficult child, I have difficulties as an adult, so I don't doubt that she's wrong but I guess the child me grew up thinking I was a bad person. I feel like this diagnosis has really helped me process things. I'm going to a support group later, bit scared, but equally excited
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2014 14:40:59 GMT
Grief is never pleasant.
A fascinating part of the process for me was understanding that although the ADHD is built in it isn't 'me'.
It's a thing and I can separate it from 'me' when my mind and meds are combining well.
It's a bit odd at first because I'd never separated them before, and I thought the entirety was me, but it turns out I'm carrying a burden that we call ADHD.
Once you get your head round that idea it's a lot easier to separate the grief for the past from the present. Although I take full responsibility for my past a lot of it was due to the ADHD, which isn't me any more - it's the ADHD which is disabled, underneath that is a normal person* who deserves to be set free from the things it was made to experience.
There's shades of concepts from Dr Jeckyl, Pullman's Dark Materials trilogy and the Go'a'uld from Stargate - anything which encourages an honest appraisal of self, without getting stuck in what can't be changed, is good.
* I'm not making any claims for the 'normal person' being perfect in any way
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Post by carly31 on Jun 14, 2014 22:06:48 GMT
Grief is necessary isn't it, I'm not afraid of grief, I try to embrace it because it is the opposite of being content. We can't have one without the other they're part of the same thing. Although grief is very painful, if it's not processed it only builds up in other ways doesn't it. When my cousin died I made sure I took time each day to cry. As a result I don't get to upset about it anymore, he's gone and there is nothing I can do about it. He's in my heart and my memories. I guess that's similar to processing hurt feelings. If you don't cry for them they get stuck. I know I couldn't express my feelings, I couldn't even tell what emotions I felt until a couple of years back, it all just felt like one massive storm- scary and confusing. I still find it difficult to name my feelings but I think that is to do with ADHD. It hinders my PTSD recovery because I can't visualise or focus in a logical order inside my head. I have a white board with the words "Name it" written on it. Every time I get the stormy feeling now I write about it and the answers usually emerge. I went to a meeting last night and I have never felt more at home in my life. I've always felt that nobody understood me. I've always felt so incredibly lonely and last night that went away completely. People not only listened to me but actually identified with me! We had fun talking about our similarities and empathised with our shared pain and nobody got offended or looked at me as if I was from another planet!! Half way through the session I kept looking at people and getting a sense that I had known them all my life. It was quite a peculiar feeling. The people I met not only had ADHD but they were really beautiful characters. I found something inspiring about every single one of them. There really was something glowing and special about them. It has made me view myself less harshly. If I feel like that about them, then they must feel the same about me. The low mood I had been harbouring went away and I actually slept peacefully knowing that I really am not the only person who feels this way. I truly believe that this is the first time I have felt a sense of belonging and what a magical experience it is. I feel so lucky to have found an answer and so privileged to have these discussions with people who actually understand
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Post by petra on Jun 14, 2014 22:15:00 GMT
Hi carly31. Hope you don't mind me saying, but you are a gifted communicator! Some of the things you have written have really helped me - thank you!
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Post by carly31 on Jun 15, 2014 0:08:30 GMT
Thank you, Petra, I'm touched, I don't usually hear kind words about my communication skills. I'm better at writing than in real life I think! You've really helped me to, it's nice to hear we have mutual understandings :-)
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Post by stevie 1968 on Jun 15, 2014 8:41:21 GMT
There's a lot of self examination required to understand what is desirable and what you see as issues to address. The more aware you get the more you realise that it's normal to live in denial of some unsavoury behaviors that you've been able to sweep under the carpet and ignore. And after diagnosis there is the potential for this awareness to increase - I realised what a complete arse I'd been and that I'd wasted 45 years of my life. You can't go back to apologise and you might start to grieve over those lost years. That might sound awful but it's better than living with unfettered ADHD. I wouldn't go back.
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Post by stevie1968 on Jun 15, 2014 9:11:21 GMT
Hi carly I'm amazed at how close you feelings week to mine about attending the support group some of things you said we're spot on. I've been attending a monthly support group since April 1st and I can say it is the first time I've felt I can be myself in a group where I dint get that feeling of loneliness because I was unable to collect the conversation. I also had that peculiar feeling know people I'd just met my whole life but I always used the word surreal. Did you also recognise so much in the other people that you see in yourself like the little lapses in memory forgetting words every so often the constant distracted look . It's these things that gone on to confirm my suspicions about my condition. I've spoken to a couple of other people in the group who have came there for some sort of validation of the condition and I could see the expression of shock on their faces when realised that theres someone who knows them that has only just met them. I think your right I also feel lucky to have discovered this group.
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Post by carly31 on Jun 15, 2014 19:00:54 GMT
Hi Stevie 1968,
Yes I noticed other people doing what I usually do and it made me feel comfortable with myself. I didn't feel awkward moving about in my seat or looking about the room when I was meant to be listening, nobody was glaring and tutting at me! Having really struggled with my diagnosis for a few weeks it really was what I needed to validate it. The more I talk and share the more it seems that I'm not alone :-D
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