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Post by not logged in on Jun 23, 2014 1:44:30 GMT
hi all
im a registered user but im to shy to log in because of the nature of the question id like to ask.
does anyone else get infatuated with people? ive got a significant other whom i truly love v much. but i find i get kind of obssessed with other people.
someone at work at the mo, i cant stop thinking about him. hardly even know him. but hes sweet and funny and theres chemistry. i dont want to like him. i dont want to think about him. i dont want to hurt my S.O.
but i feel like i want to be close to this guy at work. i feel like i want to kiss him and hold him. ive never cheated, ever. and im not going to now. but it feels like electric when hes near me.
is it just the excitement? the newy newness of someoene.... new? all mixed with my add. or am i a really crappy person....?
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Post by Bee on Jun 23, 2014 13:32:30 GMT
I'm trying to guess who you are now! I expect it's just similar to having a crush on someone, but maybe the ADHD magnifies it somehow? I've always felt really intense crushes. It's like I can't just fancy a person, everything they do is brilliant! A bit like what you describe I suppose. But I haven't really felt like that for anyone new since my teens. I do get thoughts stuck in my head. It could be »anything«. Sometimes paranoid; 'everyone at work hates me really and I should just quit' Or happy; 'I've got holiday in 2 weeks!' Usually it's something emotional I think. Not always though. I'm trying to avoid saying "It's just a phase", but that's kinda what I'm getting at. And if you're not pursuing this guy at work, no, I don't think you're a crappy person. A crappy person would be the one who cheats.
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Post by nemo on Jun 23, 2014 19:09:32 GMT
Sound to me like a combination of the inevitable attraction towards someone outside of a relationship that *everyone* experiences + an ADD brain craving novelty and excitement.
I get rapid, intense infatuations too so I understand what you mean. Excitement aside, I felt a lot of guilt even though as, like yourself, I've never cheated on a partner. So yes, I've felt like a crappy person too because of it. Also, I found the infatuations subsided rapidly after a varying amounts of time, often after some time away from the person in question (i.e. out of sight out of mind).
At the end of the day though, I suppose it's how you conduct yourself whilst experiencing these infatuations that counts, not the feelings themselves, because those can't be helped (i.e. you're human). Sounds to me like you're conducting yourself fine.
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Post by danherts on Jun 23, 2014 22:35:48 GMT
I recently found out that a member of my family who I would have put down as ADHD has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. One facet of BPD is idealisation/devaluation, part of that being infatuation and it's a trait I share to a lesser extent.
Part of it is a kind of black and white thinking, people are seen as either good or bad with little in between. The idealisation can switch straight to 'devaluation' and someone diagnosed with BPD can go from being infatuated to hating someone in a heartbeat.
From what I've read it's supposed to stem from a traumatic childhood and poor parenting where as a defense mechanism rather than see a parent as bad, a child will seperate the single good and bad parent almost into two different entities as the only way to deal with the situation, the seperation then continues to adulthood and all relationships.
I'm not saying this is the case for you, but 25% of BPDers have comorbid ADHD.
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Post by petra on Jun 23, 2014 23:01:00 GMT
Oh no...I've got a baaad feeling about this....I daren't look it up.....!
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Post by carly31 on Jun 24, 2014 22:38:52 GMT
BDP and ADHD have very similar characteristics. Personally, I don't like the term borderline personality disorder- it's not a very accurate description. It's more like emotional instability isn't it? People with ADHD are very sensitive- probably because we've started off in an education system that failed us and then are expected to conform to societal norms- I learnt from a very young age that I wasn't like everybody else- little wonder I have low self-esteem! I'm really moody, up and down, impulsive, hot-tempered. I do tend to think that I hate my friends sometimes when I feel they're not listening to me. Really I'm just really bloody frustrated that I can't cope with the anger I feel in the moment and carry on politely like everyone else!
I think BDP is to do with childhood trauma/unmet needs. There is a lot of stigma attached to this disorder and a lot of misconceptions even within the mental health system. I have often wondered whether I had this to but I think I was just hanging around with people who didn't care about me. My attachment to my mother was insecure and although she did most things right she was emotionally unavailable and lacked the skills to nurture me. In my adult life I just unconsciously played this scenario out over and over with the people I chose to have in my life. I latched on to people who were emotionally unavailable and when they didn't meet my needs I'd be angry with them. I'm not sure if this is the same as BDP? All I know is that I have worked hard over the last 5yrs to understand why I was doing this.
As for infatuations! Well, I get them really bad! The last one was with someone who was obviously feeling the same way. All we did was blush and stutter in each others company. For me, I think it is to do with the intense focus. I love daydreaming about them for hours on end. It's like a drug- it's addictive. If I feel like that about someone, I just ride it out, enjoy the buzz but realise that getting involved would be like taking up heroine as a hobby!
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Post by nemo on Jun 26, 2014 0:37:30 GMT
BPD is a very particular personality disorder and as such I'm not sure if what the OP describes counts as BPD. As I understand it, what the OP describes is well within ADHD parameters. They are just having a tough time with the current infatuation and I hope they are ok.
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Post by danherts on Jun 26, 2014 21:12:26 GMT
Just putting it out there in case the OP could relate. Sometimes the 'why' can be the most helpful thing.
In terms of ADHD and infatuation, I get it with everything, human or not. It's just a facet of hyperfocus I suppose.
If I need to buy some typically mundane item like a kitchen knife I'll be an expert on steel smelting before I buy the thing and then it's forgotten.
We naturally fixate on anything that provides stimulation. 'I get what I want and then never want it again.'
Just if it's particularly problematic, BPD is a consideration.
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Post by nemo on Jun 26, 2014 23:26:22 GMT
We naturally fixate on anything that provides stimulation. 'I get what I want and then never want it again.' Ha ha! I absolutely can relate to that.
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Post by stevie d on Jun 27, 2014 13:06:44 GMT
I think the Adhd causes you to overly fantasize about things I don't think you should worry about it. Try to transfer though thoughts to your partner. I get all sorts of strange fantasies about women all the timeout pin reality it downtown mean anything
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Post by contrarymary on Jun 27, 2014 18:03:29 GMT
If I need to buy some typically mundane item like a kitchen knife I'll be an expert on steel smelting before I buy the thing and then it's forgotten. thank you danherts - so true - and made me laugh out loud today i have become an expert on growing mint and on removing chemical smells from plastic (tho actually that was part of my previous hyperfocus on 101 uses for bicarbonate of soda). yesterday it was removing black mould from shower curtains and making cordials. it is a weird thing about hoovering up knowledge. it seems completely and utterly life-savingly necessary until it doesn't - "how can i decide until i know all about it?" - and then it's move on time..... some of it sticks, but usually i'm bored with it, delete it from my memory banks or assume i have now caught up with everyone else and it is the most common of common knowledge. weird. glad it's not just me tho
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Post by carly31 on Jun 28, 2014 13:28:34 GMT
Haha I was just thinking about that! I started to build a bike from scratch, so spent weeks researching everything you need to know about bikes- measurements for bottom brackets, head sets, wheels, you name it.... I bought half of what I need. Built the wheels but got bored half way through truing them! I just dug them out now to see if I could rekindle the flame... No. Back in the box they go!
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Post by blaze on Jul 1, 2014 15:11:38 GMT
hi op
I went through stages of infatuation when younger despite my current 12 yr v stabel and compleately faithful loving relationship
I found the voice dialogue literature on relationships and why we feel attractions to others v useful. If you can get past the hippyish feeling of its origins the ideas of how we become attracted to dominant characterists in others that are dormant in ourselves and how that signifies a need to address these more submissive parts of ourselves helped alot. It also helped me understand alot of other relationship stuff like how the things we find adorable in oh to begin w drive us crazy in the long run etc etc and ofcourse gave me ideas to cope w this stuff also. Id recommend the uk based sites/articles over the us ones. Hope it can help sm. Gd luck w it all
quote author="not logged in" source="/post/81436/thread" timestamp="1403487870"]hi all
im a registered user but im to shy to log in because of the nature of the question id like to ask.
does anyone else get infatuated with people? ive got a significant other whom i truly love v much. but i find i get kind of obssessed with other people.
someone at work at the mo, i cant stop thinking about him. hardly even know him. but hes sweet and funny and theres chemistry. i dont want to like him. i dont want to think about him. i dont want to hurt my S.O.
but i feel like i want to be close to this guy at work. i feel like i want to kiss him and hold him. ive never cheated, ever. and im not going to now. but it feels like electric when hes near me.
is it just the excitement? the newy newness of someoene.... new? all mixed with my add. or am i a really crappy person....?[/quote]
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Post by chickster on Jul 7, 2014 14:31:18 GMT
Firstly, totally know what you mean about these infatuations. I think a lot of people feel like this & its completely natural, as probioticgirl says. Your hormones are pretty powerful things & they want you to do things that might not be a good idea. I do it if Im single or my sex life is rubbish & as long as you dont act on it then it doesnt matter. Maybe its a signal that you need more 'private time' with your OH?
Secondly, re BPD, I asked an experienced psychiatrist a few years ago if he thought I had BPD (he treated a lot of people with it, privately) as Id made the mistake of reading the symptoms online & thinking it sounded like me a bit. He didnt even blink when he told me there was absolutely no way - and after talking to him (& a couple of other people in that field) I know that its a matter of degrees. Most normal people are a bit sensitive, idolise people that have just met etc etc etc. ADD people might be a bit more so. But BPD people are off the chart. If you had BPD believe me, you would KNOW. It is a lot more serious than ADHD. Apologies to anyone struggling with it, & I know some people do manage to treat/control it. But the symptoms are like ADHD x 10 & add some new & exciting ones in for good measure. Not fun.
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Post by OP not logged in on Dec 7, 2014 4:14:23 GMT
ok so 6 months on im still feeling the same.
went to a party and he was there and i wanted to dance with him.
i felt ridiculously jealous that he was talking to another girl most of the night - im still in my relationship with my S.O. it should make no difference to me.
i dont see him often at work.
i try to avoid him but i also want to see him.
i want to tell him. i want to just pause things with my S.O so that i can get this other guy 'out of my system' without hurting anyone.
its not love, and i know that. but it IS intense. and as far as i know nobody else knows. just me.
well. and you lot!
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Post by OliverTwist on Dec 16, 2014 1:15:08 GMT
There are two very real and competing issues here.
1. Life is for living; picture yourself waking up, age 75, still thinking about these things having never acted on them. How does that make you feel?
2. There is an unseen power of being in a stable relationship for an ADHDer. The elevation it provides in baseline security and wellbeing is probably comparable to medication. Picture yourself, waking up tomorrow and realising it's evaporated, leaving you with that hollow, empty feeling; how do you feel?
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Post by Doc999 on Dec 18, 2014 1:37:41 GMT
Crushes are common
Older you are less frequent they become, sadly.
Lots of infidelities are secondary to a romantic crush, but of course you never really know what a person is like, until you get to know them better.
There is nothing wrong with fantasies though.
I think you sound sensible - good luck.
DOC999
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Post by Doc999 on Dec 18, 2014 1:39:08 GMT
My post didnt work
this is a test
Doc 999
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Post by mypoorbrain on Dec 20, 2014 20:24:43 GMT
BPD can vary in severity, they categorise it from low to high but anyone can pass certain criteria.
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Post by op not logged in on Feb 24, 2015 8:52:24 GMT
i think im finally over it.
thank god.
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Post by rhiannon on Feb 24, 2015 10:52:09 GMT
Yay that's good news I would say I probably have the same thing, I am quite infatuated with a guy I have only met once and only been talking to for just over a week! He just sort of seems so perfect that I can't help myself, I am trying to play it cool as I'm aware that needy is not an attractive trait but I literally have to talk myself out of overly texting him and usually end up giving in and probably looking like a needy weirdo haha hopefully he doesn't think that though, things seem to be going well so far at least
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