nhc001
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Post by nhc001 on Jul 15, 2014 21:26:18 GMT
Hi Everyone,
I'm new to this forum and will post an introduction in the appropriate thread shortly, but wondered if anyone could share their experiences on friend and anxiety/emotional regulation.
1. I have quite a few friends that I talk to at the gym, occasionally go out with etc but I have a real issue with keeping in contact. I never reply to emails, phone calls, Facebook messages and I don't know why. When I receive them I just don't feel like replying. I love my friends but I don't miss them and if they didn't contact me I could probably go months/years without speaking to them. I feel quite detached and I hate that because I don't think I was like it as a child. In fact I think I was the opposite and used to get really attached - if I met a group of friends on holiday I would get upset when we all went home and hated the thought of not seeing them again.
2. Do you get anxious over small things and find the emotion runs away with you? For example, I get nervous checking my work email in case there is a something negative in there from a client (this is rarely the case so I don't know what I am basing the fear on). My heart races and then I feel relieved when all is fine.
Anyway, I'd be really interested to hear what you think and if you are similar/not similar.
Thanks :-)
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Post by petra on Jul 15, 2014 22:15:52 GMT
Hi nhc001Welcome to the forum 1. Same. 2. Same.
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nhc001
Member's not posted much yet
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Post by nhc001 on Jul 15, 2014 23:58:00 GMT
Hi Petra,
Thanks for replying.
How does it affect you or your friendships etc? Are you friends quite understanding?
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Post by petra on Jul 16, 2014 3:52:53 GMT
Well, I have definitely got worse as I've got older, which probably correlates with my mental health and ability to function deteriorating. I've always been a bit of a loner, but looking back I did used to be a lot more sociable. I have lost a number of friends - not through any arguments - just fizzled out due to my repeated lack of reciprocation. If I think about them, I miss the good times, but I don't actually want the relationships back in my life now - I don't have the head space. The friends I've kept/ got now are all very low maintenance. They know and understand what I'm like, don't take offence and tend to be loners/ like me themselves. There are still 2/3 people I feel I 'ought' to keep more in touch with/ spend more time with - and for me that carries a high price tag of guilt - so at the back of my mind I'm kind of thinking - I either need to toughen up so I don't feel the guilt or they are going to have to go.
Also, I only found out about adhd beginning of last year. It's been such a big thing for me to get my head round, and I find it really complex to understand. I've shut off from people much more during this time - I just can't be bothered discussing it/ trying to explain it to people. A few close people understand and 'get it' and that is enough for me.
However, I feel very emotionally attached to my animals and love spending time with them! And if I wasn't married with 3 teenagers, I'd no doubt have more time and energy for other people. Things change don't they as we get older I think.
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Post by shiveringsky on Jul 16, 2014 9:50:55 GMT
I would have to say this sounds a lot like me (and like my father). I love my friends but I don't seem to need to see them and yet... even worse still, if they seem to forget about me I do sometimes get very upset about it even knowing it is unreasonable. Hippocrazy for sure.
When I was younger I used to find that I could only manage maybe 3 good friends at any one time and I was constantly cycling through the people I knew. 6 months with one person as my main focus then... gone and time with the next began. There were always "reasons" and no doubt ridiculous ones too but I seemed to believe in them vehemently. Nowdays most of my friends accept that it's just me and if I actually make it somewhere it's a bonus and never a given. I mean at the weekend I played a gig and one of the other artists/friends on the bill said to me "It is so good to see you! I did not think you would come!" To my own gig! That's some reputation, right? :/ I wish it wasn't the case but I am grateful and lucky to have their support in that way.
The work thing i get in variations. Problem is if someone does give me any critical feedback I find myself almost always in tears even if it something small. It's horrible and embarrassing.
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Post by nemo on Jul 16, 2014 13:04:19 GMT
I was/am the same shiverinsky, though perhaps milder. I have a small set good friends but the cycling through social circles is something I can relate to. It's like some kind of cyclic ambivalence.
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Post by scatterbrain on Jul 16, 2014 18:33:43 GMT
I'm the same
1. I always intend to reply to emails/messages, phone friends etc., just not right now. Why??? Maybe it's 'cos my mind goes blank and I can't think of anything to say. I was better at it when I used to drink more regularly, it could be 'cos I'm so unfocused but I'm hoping the meds will help with this sort of thing. I always feel guilty about it and sadly I often end up losing touch with friends - people that I really care about - the longer I leave it the harder it gets.
2. Get anxious thinking about my post to the point where I don't even open it. I put it aside, it gets moved around, put out of sight to make the place seem tidier, then it's lost. I mean to sort it out (crosses my mind daily) but usually find something more 'important' that needs doing first. Eventually I'll pile it all on to the table and attempt to sort it out (usually when I'm looking for something or I'm short of something to light the fire with). I again feel anxious, not without good reason by this time. I try and deal with the 'beyond urgent' stuff, then put more stuff in my file labelled 'Deal with it' which then gets forgotten about until I urgently need something that I could have last seen in the 'Deal with it' file. I feel an enormous sense of relief when I have had one of these sorting sessions and vow never to leave my mail unopened ever again.................'til the next day when I just have to do something first (and I don't mean super gluing the letter box down, much as I'd love to) and it starts all over again. WHY? WHY? WHY
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nhc001
Member's not posted much yet
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Post by nhc001 on Jul 17, 2014 13:54:13 GMT
Thank all for your responses.
I am glad that my friends are understanding, though many don't know that it's because of my ADHD and assume that it is 'just me', which it is but there is a reason behind it other than me not being bothered. Strangely, like you Petra, I am very attached to my three dogs and the thought of not seeing them is horrible. I miss them even when I go away for the day. But people, nope. And like I said, it's not because I don't like them, it just doesn't feel the same...I know that it maybe should do (depending on your views) but the connection isn't there. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I was bullied at school and had a verbally abusive dad, and as a result spent ALOT of time on my own, and so didn't really develop that part of me. Who knows.
Anyway, thanks again all. I'll post an introduction at some point (it's on my to-do list ha).
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Post by grumpy on Jul 18, 2014 20:39:30 GMT
Hi your not alone
What you said in number 1 , I'm just the same in a very big way I could of wrote that myself
What you said in number 2 , OMG I am so bad at that I have no it spoke on the phone or checked my emails in years I don't bother and letters in the post I'm so bad with. My other half deals with my emails m phone calls and most if all post and bills.
Just something I get to stressed doing it but glad I seen this topic I don't fek so alone on this now ( in a niece way )
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Post by manson88 on Jul 18, 2014 22:06:14 GMT
Has or does anyone build invisible walls between themselves and people?
Family/friends/work colleagues /the in-laws.
There's some people I just can't be bothered with..
Sent from my GT-I9505 using proboards
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Post by petra on Jul 18, 2014 23:58:21 GMT
Has or does anyone build invisible walls between themselves and people? Family/friends/work colleagues /the in-laws. There's some people I just can't be bothered with.. Sent from my GT-I9505 using proboards All the time, and with most people.
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Post by leftbehind1 on Jul 19, 2014 1:27:43 GMT
Yes I am quite similar to u when I was younger I was actually pretty popular I had a lot of good friends had some really great times but as I got older my adhd was really holding me back and things weren't working out for me job wise money wise confidence wise mind u this used to be the opposite but after a while of struggling with untreated adhd
I got really depressed and now I never see old friends over a period of time i drifted away from all my friends and stopped calling or answering texts or Facebook I just wasn't the same person any more and didn't know why it's been a few years and I haven't had much contact with my old friends even though they tried to get the hold of me for ages I think it was the depression adhd and slight anxiety and life changes that did this it's now sort of become a thing with me .
I did this with work colleagues aswell some good guys and I was always out with them after I left my job though I just stopped contact they didn't . I don't know why I do this it's like depression has just sapped my energy for socialising , and a few years back I was the complete opposite with mates everyday after work on the weekends partying had a crackin girl at the time had a big network of mates was good times over time adhd changed me and my progress in life so I suppose it's only natural to get depressed and worry.
so I can relate if I still keep in contact with friends abit I would advice to stick with it u don't want to end up alone and ur perception changes when ur on ur own for a while and it's an ordeal trying to get back into it again and can be very difficult
Take it from someone who didn't keep in contact but within my right it was justifed I saw no other option at the time
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Post by carly31 on Jul 19, 2014 10:01:42 GMT
Yes I can relate to this. Have a read around attachments and broken attachments. The majority of us will have been let down at some point in our childhood for whatever reason. If we learn at a young age that people can hurt us- doesn't have to be full blown abuse, maybe a parent with adhd or school that didn't recognise our learning needs- we learn that people, especially adults, will not meet our needs and that they're not safe. So we find ways of coping to avoid being hurt. The more we were hurt, the more distrust we have. The good thing is if this is the issue then it's already on the way to recovery. We can be less harsh on ourselves and understand why social interaction causes so much anxiety. They say that rejection hurts so much because it reminds us how much we really do need eachother for survival. That helped me understand that if I get rejected from one person, there'll always be somebody else. It's just the way we roll, it's in our makeup!
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lfb2009
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Post by lfb2009 on Jul 19, 2014 23:34:06 GMT
It's absolutely amazing to be reading all these things! Especially when i've only just this year discovered what i have and only finally (friday) been diagnosed and offered concerta to deal with it.
Anyway the reason it's amazing coz most of the above statements pretty much describe me and my behavior and outlook!
So for 1 it's a SAME and for 2 it's a SAME
With the mates thing again pretty social when i was younger parents would complain i've got to many mates and hardly spend anytime with the family. Now it's the complete opposite with some of my mates saying i don;t really make an effort with them or other people these days and truth be told i'm really not bothered about them my thinking is sort of taking them for granted and thinking when i wanna chat to thet they;ll be about (which many aren't now). Plus someone mentioned life changes i've got a family with 2 young kids which pretty much take up all my time as well! But even before they came along i started letting mates go.
Work emails (when i'm working) Before opening any mail i always expect the worse to be written in them and even project these feelings so when reading the mails i end up reading things that aren't there confirming my worst fears!!
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Post by ambivalent on Jul 20, 2014 7:19:39 GMT
ambivalence. what a great word, thank you!
i have this problem too. i think it might be related to 'seeing the end point'. if there is any situation where i can quickly see the end point, it bores me. if i know where a conversation is going, i will defer the reply until doing so provides more stimulation that it does right now. that never happens.
i never think these things through until i read the things i do so often on here and then i have a jolly good think why i might be doing them!
obviously, whilst medicated, i am an instant replier. in fact, i sent the first message as long as i am in a quiet place with nothing else to do. usually, on the bog. going to the toilet in work, take my mobile and if i've taken meds that day i find i will send 5+ text messages. this never happens unmedicated. the 'texting' part of my fone is the most boring place i can imagine at all other times.
this really is a curse, i think. i need people and interaction. i never would have said this about myself pre-meds but i am so much happier with some social interaction, it's actually shocked me.
why does it take so much effort to speak to ppl whilst unmedicated? it's like my mouth or emotional centre piece is a blocked tap. i turn it on but nothing comes out. the obvious answer is anxiety, i suppose but i would consider myself a quietly confident individual who, in the right crowd, becomes that overly excitable type person. i am not the nail biting mouse type person i immediately associate with anxiety?
is it the whole 'seeing the end point' thing all over again? i see a new person, consider exchanging pleasantries/trivia and give up before i start?
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Post by leftbehind1 on Jul 20, 2014 22:04:55 GMT
I think when it comes to social interaction the only reason I'm automatically mentally anxious is because I'm not prepared to digest what they are saying because I'm not focused sometimes They may catch u off guard so I don't slow down enough to think about what they are saying nor my reply so over time u myt say the wrong thing or maybe wat u did not say then I think back on it later so it's an automatic response sometimes which brings on anxiety of how the conversation will turn out I put that down to impulsiveness unfocused and distract ability which may also seem like anxiety to some but is in fact a symptom of my adhd.
But yes if I don't have that engaging momentum with a certain circle of friends it seems almost not worth the effort it all depends.
Old friends I had we were all like brothers we grew up together and were friends for years and had a big group of friends that were all into the same things that were very stimulating so it engaged me to be more social and independent which is how I could function despite my adhd but after a while u grow up and people move on and u have new friends through life mostly work colleagues.
But the engaging momentum with work colleagues may not be the same as people Uve got on with for years so it dosnt engage me as much and my adhd socialising gets worse .
I read adhders are motivated by outside stimulation we don't motivate ourselves like others we need outside ourselves motivation so it takes others personalities or behaviour towards us for us to motivate ourselves into being social it's a strange thing indeed but I believe it's just how our brains function we can function and perform like anyone else we just need the motivators or circumstances for us to attend
That's why we beat ourselves up about not being productive even though we want to achieve it so much but the part of the brain that drives us is under functioning so we have great difficulty getting from a to b unless it's like a last minute deadline then that will motivate us if it's engaging enough we will act it's the same with socialising. U should look up dr Russell Barkley on you tube he has a lot of good insight in how executive functions is a key part of adhd
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Post by shapes on Jul 20, 2014 22:11:43 GMT
I've been like this but have improved lately.
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Post by danherts on Jul 20, 2014 22:57:33 GMT
i would consider myself a quietly confident individual who, in the right crowd, becomes that overly excitable type person. i am not the nail biting mouse type person i immediately associate with anxiety This made me realise something. I don't function well at all with day to day social interaction, I'm anxious but I'm not shy. I handle situations well when I'm dealing in facts or it's something I'm interested in, but generally most situations don't fall under that umbrella. I take the piss out of people a lot, usually way to close to the mark. I don't want to get into arguments but I seem to set myself up for them, sometimes I'll argue for something I don't believe in. I wonder if I'm seeking out conflict for stimulation.
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Post by leftbehind1 on Jul 20, 2014 23:29:44 GMT
i would consider myself a quietly confident individual who, in the right crowd, becomes that overly excitable type person. i am not the nail biting mouse type person i immediately associate with anxiety This made me realise something. I don't function well at all with day to day social interaction, I'm anxious but I'm not shy. I handle situations well when I'm dealing in facts or it's something I'm interested in, but generally most situations don't fall under that umbrella. I take the piss out of people a lot, usually way to close to the mark. I don't want to get into arguments but I seem to set myself up for them, sometimes I'll argue for something I don't believe in. I wonder if I'm seeking out conflict for stimulation. Funny I am like this a lot myself I take the piss a lot I think it is just a fact that everyone takes the piss to a degree but I think because of my adhd I simply don't see the line Its like my mind is just trying to get some sort of stimulation. I'm that anxious guy aswell but not shy I have become some what introvert though because I don't want to say the wrong thing or upset it can be difficult to stay confident when ur mind is allways looking for some sort of integration wether it be a debate or piss taking for stimulation It makes ur character look bad and different to what u would be otherwise. I find I argue a point with family I'n facts aswell even if I am not fully behind it I seem to change my perspective on a matter and try and see different perspectives just because that person said otherwise It must have something to do with stimulation my mother says I would argue red is black I don't even realise I'm doing it I may sub consciously drive up a debate as some sort of forced apon motivator for me to show what I know , my mother allways says this is ODD but I think it is me forcing that motivating situation to get that knowledge out there even if it is not required
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liam
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Only just starting to understand my condition !
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Post by liam on Jul 24, 2014 9:35:25 GMT
1. I love my friends but often prefer strangers lol I know really random - I always reply to messages from them but don't often meet up unless its pre - planned or they catch me on a random day (I have random days where I tend to go with wherever the day takes me)
2. I hate the post coming through the letter box or phone calls from withheld numbers.
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oram
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Post by oram on Jul 27, 2014 21:26:15 GMT
I can relate to both of these. It's a strange paradox i find of getting to know people but then creating a load of expectations i think they have of me. I'm a little better at managing this now but if anyone puts too much expectation on me i crumble, and well then i'm the flakey friend. Also am fear full of mail and calls. The 2nd point about receiving reassurance is massive for me, i drove my friends crazy with all kinds of messages getting them to tell me i was ok, again though i'm a bit better at managing this now.
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