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Post by tink on Sept 13, 2014 20:50:55 GMT
Any1 have probs with starting and maintaining friendships? I've always had difficulty with this... Prob coz I never felt I fitted in. However, anytime I have had friends in my life and then finished that stage of my life (e.g. School, college, jobs etc), I move on and just leave them behind, not keeping in touch or whatever. It's not that I don't care (well, maybe I don't??), it's more a case of out of sight, out of mind. I also have real problems with the commitment aspect of having friends and of what might be expected of me, which is why I mostly keep away. Does any1 else experience this kind of thing? Hope to hear back... Tink
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Post by petra on Sept 13, 2014 23:06:51 GMT
You are definitely not alone!! ..... link
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Post by Lesley on Sept 14, 2014 13:53:39 GMT
I've done exactly the same. I always hoped when I moved on that this time we'd keep in touch, but it never happened. (With one exception - and that's down to my friend doing all the hard work).
When I first read about ADHD in adults, it was the social aspects that rang a loud bell first of all.
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Post by contrarymary on Sept 14, 2014 14:50:51 GMT
thank you for the link petra sometimes this forum feels like Groundhog Day - which is one of my favourite films - and i'm desperately trying to remember whether we talked about something or i was just thinking a bout it...
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Post by tink on Sept 15, 2014 21:33:35 GMT
Oops! Sorry, I didnt notice this had been discussed before... Guess I need to get the hang of things here a bit more. Thing is, if I could just nip round to a friend's (if i had any) house for a cuppa when I felt like it (obv at a convenient time for them, of course), and then leave when I wanted - that would be fine. But then the prob is they might want to do the same and pop round to mine... And that is a total NO NO for me - apart from the fact that I'm ashamed of my dishevelled home, it would feel too intrusive for me and I would feel pretty distressed. But then this makes me feel afraid, mean and selfish, so I tend to keep away from making friends. Im convinced other non-adders must think I'm a freak. OR I assume they reckon I have a "normal" social life, and I let them believe that (by not saying to the contrary) which makes me feel like a fraud. Dunno if this makes any sense... Seems like rambling to me.
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Post by petra on Sept 15, 2014 22:42:54 GMT
Oops! Sorry, I didnt notice this had been discussed before... Guess I need to get the hang of things here a bit more. Probably everything has been discussed before - it doesn't matter - I just happened to remember posting recently about this and thought the thread may be of use to you. And you make perfect sense - I can't stand people 'popping' round to my house bar about 3 people who I've known for years, and even then not without a phone call first...that's if I even answer the phone! The few people I do see socially occasionally - none of them truly know how I live or how dysfunctional/ disabled I actually am. I don't really see how they could understand without an in depth knowledge of adhd and I can't be bothered even beginning to try and explain - I don't even want to. This is is one of the great things about this forum - you can switch it of and on at will, you are amongst your own, you can talk or not talk and there are no guilt trips if you don't show up for a while. You can simply be. Suits me down to the ground!!
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Post by tink on Sept 16, 2014 7:27:33 GMT
I wholeheartedly agree... It is brilliant here! I feel very comfortable.
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shrew
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Post by shrew on Sept 19, 2014 21:34:36 GMT
Yup! i agree with all of the above - maintaining friendships is hard work!! i am so envious of people who are able to have a large social group - i have been accused of being 'cliquey' before because whenever i have friends, it's always with a 2-3 people at a time who i form an intense bond with and find it hard to include others. i have an intense need to feel like part of a group (probably because i was always the outsider growing up) but i'm terrible at keeping in touch - the sound of my phone ringing sends shivers down my spine!!!
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Post by tink on Sept 21, 2014 10:41:07 GMT
Ha! Re the phone ringing thing - exactly the same with me. Oh the fear of friendship commitment!
I am friendLY (with people I 'take to'), but don't have friends as such. I have my husband, who I work with and is my best friend, and my daughter, and my parents... But that's it really.
Dont fell I could "juggle" any more really!
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hai1988
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Post by hai1988 on Oct 15, 2014 13:44:51 GMT
Totally get where your coming from, I thought it was just me being selfish and not caring but it is really hard for me to make an effort and it's definitely the case of out of sight out of mind as I can go day without contacting anyone then I'm like crap :/
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itwayne
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Post by itwayne on Oct 15, 2014 14:48:21 GMT
I'm the same. Had one friend really since leaving school but I let that drift. I know it's my fault - there are people I get on with, but I just never follow it up
I now live in Scotland and my family live back in England. I dont even call them, including my poor mum! I put it off and put it off, and it ends up a year or 2 between calls. I finally bit the bullet and actually visited only a few weeks ago. She was thrilled, but after the first evening, we sat pretty much in silence
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juliet
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Post by juliet on Oct 17, 2014 19:55:44 GMT
I've just moved to a new place and am really struggling to make friends. I'm fairly certain that everyone else thinks I'm weird and are avoiding having to spend any more time talking to me than necessary.
However, I'll admit it's possible that I just have a complex about that because that did happen a lot when I was a child...
I definitely avoid starting relationships of a romantic nature because of the commitment thing, but for me I think my problems with friendship come more from other people not 'getting' me (whether real or a figment of my insecurities), and from not remembering to follow things up.
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fuzzybee
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Post by fuzzybee on Oct 27, 2014 22:31:52 GMT
I can relate to everything you've said 100% I think it's a very distressing if not the most distressing part of having add/adhd. It's not that I want to be friendless and isolated I just don't know how to do the social friend thing
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d
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Post by d on Nov 1, 2014 21:11:13 GMT
I find that I can bump into someone that I havent seen for ten years and I wìll genuinely act as though we are still best friends and as though we saw each other 2 days ago ! My wife is allways saying that im to stuck in the past ?
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 1, 2014 21:35:03 GMT
i wonder if it's also to do with viewing time differently.... i mean the living in the Now, the future being non-existent and the past eternally present sort-of thing that is my Normal i feel towards people the same as when i last saw them, so if we were really good friends but haven't seen each other for ten years (unless we had a big bust-up or something) i'll still be in Really Good Friends mode, and the ten year gap doesn't exist. interestingly i was at a memorial service today and saw some friends I hadn't seen properly for years and years. Perhaps it's because it was a memorial service, but unusually (in my experience!) most of them were lovely and seemed happy to see me too
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Post by JJ on Nov 1, 2014 23:08:34 GMT
Thing is, if I could just nip round to a friend's (if i had any) house for a cuppa when I felt like it (obv at a convenient time for them, of course), and then leave when I wanted - that would be fine. But then the prob is they might want to do the same and pop round to mine... And that is a total NO NO for me - apart from the fact that I'm ashamed of my dishevelled home, it would feel too intrusive for me and I would feel pretty distressed. But then this makes me feel afraid, mean and selfish, so I tend to keep away from making friends. Coulda written that all myself I like people and being social, but only when I want / only occasionally. Rest of the time, I'd rather not - it's too stressy, too much hassle and I have too many hours / days / weeks / months / years doing nothing on my own that I need to do... contrarymary - that's an interesting point about time perception / living in the now - I think that's really valid
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2014 10:25:55 GMT
Yes to all of this - it's def a regular topic!
I too have always had a very small circle of close friends whom I rely on.
I also do that 'take up where we left off' thing, irrespective of the gap in time.
I do little to maintain 'remote' friendships - if contact isn't absolutely simple and immediate, I do nothing.
I've also relatively recently changed locations and am struggling to form new, viable friendships - I can see opportunities, but don't feel confident exploiting them (moderate social anxiety).
No solutions! Just how it is. Hey ho.
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