Post by shiveringsky on Oct 2, 2014 11:44:06 GMT
I am drowning. Floundering in this futile rage. Crowded out by too many thoughts, too little action. Surrounded by chaos and questions which just go unanswered and create more questions till I feel like the world around me is a blur and I the pinpoint of nothing.
Continuing on my tale I STILL havent managed to speak to the doc who diagnosed me and I am so beyond p***** (justified swearing I tell you) that I dont know what to do or what the damn point in trying is. It is nearly 3 months now since my diagnosis. THREE months and in that time despite calling and leaving countless messages (the majority of which I am almost certain are not being passed on or are just lost in the admin black-hole at the Maudsley) nothing has happened. Nothing. And all I want is a damned conversation with the doc, over the phone. Five minutes to see if it is possible that he can send word to my GP about meds while I wait and wait and wait to see if the CCG will even approve my treatment. (My GP at last check had sent her letter to the board. 2 months ago at that.)
On the few times I have actually managed to speak to anyone in this period I've been told that he is on annual leave but they will ask him to call back when he returns. I wait. Nothing. I call again. Now he is on study leave. They will leave another message. This time the man who answered was a little more helpful and at least looked me up on the system and confirmed that they havent heard a peep as yet from the CCG or my GP regarding referral. Presumably the jury is still out? And these instances do not include the times a very bored sounding woman has half-assedly and allegedly taken down my details (tbf... and i am really trying to be fair here, perhaps she is simply overwhelmed by how much work she has to do. I dont know. But either way... 12 weeks is a bloody long time to go with radio silence) and promised to do something with them. Maybe I am being unfair. Maybe when I heard pass along, I wrongly presume she meant to the man I am looking to speak to while she was referring to the nearby bin. Or perhaps it isnt that sinister because ultimately yes... human flaws all round. I am not perfect at my job. I dont really expect anyone else to be.
Now, on an even keel. He did ring me back once about 2 months ago and left a voice message. But that is almost more annoying because I missed it and I am back in the same circuit of nothing again.
My hours in work have doubled as the woman I was job-sharing with left to work somewhere more organised and less negatively impacted by the gaping hole left by redundancies earlier in the year (I am a new recruit. I hear a lot about the glory days but they only serve to make the present even more baffling and my job of modernising communications and presentation is that old nutshell of pushing a rock up a steep slope. Oh and on the rock all my colleagues stand, hands on their hips and frowning as they dont like change. Guess what, neither do I. But suck it up. I am.)
And actually, considering everything going on around me, I am coping well, generally speaking. But when I get home I am so traumatised by the day that I cant even listen to music anymore. I have to curl up into a cocoon of vacant mindedness. My housemate's mere existance does my head in which is so unfair as he is my best mate in the world and a real support. But he comes in chirping about his day and all I hear is white noise. My head hurts, my heart is tearing itself out of my chest at regular intervals. I just want HELP. WHY IS THAT SO DAMNED HARD?
Sorry.
Continuing on my tale I STILL havent managed to speak to the doc who diagnosed me and I am so beyond p***** (justified swearing I tell you) that I dont know what to do or what the damn point in trying is. It is nearly 3 months now since my diagnosis. THREE months and in that time despite calling and leaving countless messages (the majority of which I am almost certain are not being passed on or are just lost in the admin black-hole at the Maudsley) nothing has happened. Nothing. And all I want is a damned conversation with the doc, over the phone. Five minutes to see if it is possible that he can send word to my GP about meds while I wait and wait and wait to see if the CCG will even approve my treatment. (My GP at last check had sent her letter to the board. 2 months ago at that.)
On the few times I have actually managed to speak to anyone in this period I've been told that he is on annual leave but they will ask him to call back when he returns. I wait. Nothing. I call again. Now he is on study leave. They will leave another message. This time the man who answered was a little more helpful and at least looked me up on the system and confirmed that they havent heard a peep as yet from the CCG or my GP regarding referral. Presumably the jury is still out? And these instances do not include the times a very bored sounding woman has half-assedly and allegedly taken down my details (tbf... and i am really trying to be fair here, perhaps she is simply overwhelmed by how much work she has to do. I dont know. But either way... 12 weeks is a bloody long time to go with radio silence) and promised to do something with them. Maybe I am being unfair. Maybe when I heard pass along, I wrongly presume she meant to the man I am looking to speak to while she was referring to the nearby bin. Or perhaps it isnt that sinister because ultimately yes... human flaws all round. I am not perfect at my job. I dont really expect anyone else to be.
Now, on an even keel. He did ring me back once about 2 months ago and left a voice message. But that is almost more annoying because I missed it and I am back in the same circuit of nothing again.
My hours in work have doubled as the woman I was job-sharing with left to work somewhere more organised and less negatively impacted by the gaping hole left by redundancies earlier in the year (I am a new recruit. I hear a lot about the glory days but they only serve to make the present even more baffling and my job of modernising communications and presentation is that old nutshell of pushing a rock up a steep slope. Oh and on the rock all my colleagues stand, hands on their hips and frowning as they dont like change. Guess what, neither do I. But suck it up. I am.)
And actually, considering everything going on around me, I am coping well, generally speaking. But when I get home I am so traumatised by the day that I cant even listen to music anymore. I have to curl up into a cocoon of vacant mindedness. My housemate's mere existance does my head in which is so unfair as he is my best mate in the world and a real support. But he comes in chirping about his day and all I hear is white noise. My head hurts, my heart is tearing itself out of my chest at regular intervals. I just want HELP. WHY IS THAT SO DAMNED HARD?
Sorry.