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Post by wiserabbit on Oct 12, 2014 19:30:54 GMT
This is going to sound EMO - prepare for the Emo.
When my husband was going through his ADHD diagnosis process, all of our friends were making comments like" That's interesting - hmm, seems to fit!" and the like. I admit I was more sceptical and was looking at symptoms and saying "But isn't that normal??". I'm now waiting for an assessment appointment myself so perhaps I can be forgiven a little bit, as it IS normal for _me_. I have since apologised to my husband profusely for my initial scepticism.
However whenever I talk to friends about my own possible diagnosis, they all keep saying the same things like "But everyone does that!" or "Oh, I do that too you know, it's nothing abnormal." One particularly hurtful comment was from a dear friend, who said with a sarky grin "Perhaps you should read about lots of other syndromes and make sure you don't have them too."
In short, when my husband broached it they were polite and interested. With me, they imply I'm a hypercondriac. It may be karmic kick back, it may be me expressing myself badly but it's undermining my self confidence massively.
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lfb2009
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Post by lfb2009 on Oct 13, 2014 0:16:34 GMT
Are these friends the same as your husbands or 2 different groups of people? Coz if it was the same group then that's just shitty behaviour on their part!
Anyway I mentioned this in another thread about not explaining your actions to others as the same principal goes for telling people you have ADHD. I've tried talking to mates telling I have it with examples. And had the usual "oh i have that problem" etc etc..... What these people don't realise and never will is that they might have encountered certain things similar to what we have but theirs hasn't made a complete hash of their lives where it has for us. So on that basis they will debunk our adhd.
I'm learning to be quiet about it and just talk to the shrink about it as nearly everyone else I try to talk to about just angers me.
So bottom line is don't talk about it to them and then they can't reply back with their ignorance and wind you up. to be honest it's not third faults as they just don't know any better. As by telling myself I can forgive them easier and carry on talking to them without issues!
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Post by supine on Oct 13, 2014 7:51:44 GMT
One particularly hurtful comment was from a dear friend, who said with a sarky grin "Perhaps you should read about lots of other syndromes and make sure you don't have them too." Are you absolutely certain this person is a friend? Personally I would challenge anyone saying this to me to qualify that statement (without being defensive if I could manage it). I don't know your history, but if I know ADHD then we are all susceptible to coming across to others differently than how we think we are coming across. "It may be karmic kick back, it may be me expressing myself badly but it's undermining my self confidence massively." It could be, but since you sound like you have problems too then you are entitled to be heard and have your symptoms taken seriously. Don't let anyone belittle you to the point where you think this is all your down to you somehow - this is one of the things about how people treat us that makes me want to scoop out their brains and put something more useful in there - like a radish or piece of naval lint. Take yourself seriously enough to put your own health first and go from there. If anyone tries to stop you, challenge them by asking them why they are determined to undermine you when you are attempting to seek help? Ask them if they think that those are the actions of a friend and see what they say. Also, I'm not sure it's possible to sound EMO on here, the baselines are all too similar
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Post by DKL - darkknightslover on Oct 13, 2014 12:41:03 GMT
With regards to friends, like attracts like, because people make friends with people they feel comfortable with. Chances are your friends share similar character traits/symptoms but might have them for different reasons.
See if you can find a local support group. It's likely you'll need support from people who really know what you're going through that you can meet face to face.
Sent from my LT30p using proboards
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buzzy
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Post by buzzy on Oct 13, 2014 14:06:26 GMT
I think the 'Oh, but everyone does that!' is all too commonly said, and often people fail to understand that having ADHD actually means these things that some people do occasionally are actually incessant for us, to the point where they compromise quality of life. It's the result of a failure to consider both the extremity and unrelenting presence of these symptoms where most people usually come a cropper. It can be hard to continue to push for an understanding of your symptoms, especially if the person(s) has already made you feel like a hypochondriac. Many people think when you said 'I find it hard to focus on stuff that bores me', you are just trying to make a deal out of something that, admittedly, a lot of people think they understand the nature of. They might think that 'Yeah, I find it hard to do boring stuff too', but don't really get that it causes people with ADHD an enormous amount of mental effort to sit down and do the thing. It can also be hard when you're a girl because other girls I know with AD(H)D show less obvious outward symptoms than boys I know. And yeah, as you say, you and your husband are both similar enough that the symptoms to you didn't seem abnormal. It might well be, as a poster above has said, that some of your friends might have similar experiences because you naturally gravitate towards people with similarly wired up brains to yourself.
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Post by wiserabbit on Oct 13, 2014 15:03:54 GMT
Thank you all. I'm having a bit of a sniffle here, because I was just discussing this very thing with my Dad, and this is the way it went: Me: [Precis of what I've said above, expressing distress in not being taken seriously]. Dad: Well, you don't strike me as being a person with a serious problem. Me: Dad, I've just had a nervous breakdown and been put on anti-psychotics. What do I have to do to count as having a serious problem? Dad: I can't answer that because I'm not an expert, but my feeling is just that you don't have a serious problem. Me: *Speechless*.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2014 18:13:07 GMT
Seriously hug worthy.
And why we can only rely on each other.
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Post by supine on Oct 14, 2014 14:38:21 GMT
"Dad: I can't answer that because I'm not an expert, but my feeling is just that you don't have a serious problem." To me this reads more like "Dad: I can't answer that because I'm an insensitive selfish ignoramus." I actually edited that to be less inflammatory, but a response like that makes my blood boil on your behalf. PM me his phone number if you want and I will put the guy straight in a way he can't dismiss. Grrrr.
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Post by Bee on Oct 14, 2014 15:19:53 GMT
Wiserabbit, I had a similar experience in the beginning.
Being female, and with very little hyperactivity, people couldn't get their heads around me having ADHD.
"It's only for boys."
"You don't »look« like ADHD."
"Well, AD-whatever didn't exist when I was a kid.."
It was infuriating and all I could think to say to "Everyone does that!" was "Yeah well it's so much worse for me..." And then abandon the conversation feeling like I was making a big deal out of nothing. (Adding to how crap I already felt from trying to deal with an undiagnosed condition all my life and feeling like a failure as a result)
My parents were no help, telling me I don't have it, it's normal (it's normal for you because you've bloody got it too!!).
In the beginning it was only my NT Other Half who stood by me, after reading about the symptoms and traits with me and knowing full well what I am like.
10 months on, I tell anyone I want about my ADHD. Only when it kind of comes up in conversation. If someone tells me they're disorganised, I'll agree and shower them with sometimes humourous stories of my own horrendous disorganisation (almost out-disorganising them but without making a competition), and then at some point I'll say 'but I was diagnosed with ADHD last year'.
I've found that works pretty well. People still say 'but everyone does that...' But with time I've got better at handling it. I know so much about my ADHD and myself now that I feel I can finally explain it. Unless I get flustered. Then I make a hash of it!
My best friend, a Psychology student at uni no less, was the one who said "You don't look like ADHD." And she just stared at me when I explained why she was wrong. She told me she didn't think I had ADHD.
Now she sends me PsychCentral ADHD Newsletters to help me!
Given time, and gentle prodding, I think most people will come around to it. Sadly the ones who matter the most seem to take the longest to adjust.
My parents don't embrace my ADHD (or theirs!) but they don't argue with me either. I think they've accepted it.
My point, buried in all this waffle, is that hopefully things will get better for you as your own self knowledge grows and you can really stick it to the people who were nasty.
That's a thoroughly satisfying moment!
And we're always here to understand in the meantime
xX Bee Xx
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