Post by eddieauburn on Nov 7, 2014 21:47:32 GMT
OK, hi, I recently posted in the welcome area with a brief little thing about me, but it wasn't particularly explanatory so I guess I'll write as much of a condensed form of my ADHD/mental health life story here as can willfully be observed without boredom, and then presumably either someone will reply, or I'll come back to find "300 views, 0 replies" and conclude that I probably waffled for too long.
When I was younger I remember being pretty hyperactive for a short while up until about Year 2 or 3, I was always running around, jumping from one activity to the next, but whilst my brain kept cycling thoughts ever more rapidly, I gradually became more quiet and withdrawn physically - probably because my mum used to scream insults at me, make me feel like nothing and beat the crap out of me every day for about 10 years - usually to the point I would be screaming out of the window for someone in the street to help me, then thrown around some more after someone had rang the bell and been told to leave.
I think most kids only become self aware/guilty/shameful further down the line, but I was, grossly so, from about the age of 4 - which has probably helped me regretfully remember it all. During this point I closed down emotionally and socially too. I include this only because I used to mentally close down and block things out as a child, and I don't know how much this could contribute to my current state.
Throughout primary school I used to daydream a lot and be almost completely unable to concentrate or pay attention - and if I did (as my reports state) Id shout out random things unrelated to the discussion accidentally, earning me a lot of hate from both the kids and the teachers there (one teacher in primary school actually said to me in front of the class "are you retarded or something"). I used to have problems completing any form of homework or classwork, sometimes Id just suddenly come back from a blank out to find everyone else packing away or a teacher yelling my name and everyone looking at me and finding out they had been for some time.
I also used to wander about a lot during lessons, escaping from the classroom at least once a lesson. Sometimes I would walk around the school buildings, gaze into the fishpond or sit and read through every book in the school library - I think I was slightly insulted at the thought of drawing pictures and writing about what I did at the weekend when there was so much more to be doing like building the universe. Later on I'd often sit and marvel at the school's Victorian architecture, wondering what the school was like in those times, and wishing I could climb up and sit on the roof (I fulfilled this particular dream years later during a refurbishment, climbing up scaffolding with a friend whilst drunk and smoking a joint on the roof).
I also wasn't particularly good socially. I rarely had any friends at the time, usually ending up saying something vastly inappropriate or naive, leading to a promising career in being chased around being told I had rabies and having my shoes thrown into trees.
A lot of the ADHD-related stuff continued into secondary school, with the wandering around, the inattentiveness, the missed deadlines, the blanking out mid-conversation or mid-lesson as well as starting to be chronically late to things. Socially I began to improve somewhat - I quickly realized I was somehow able to make large numbers of people laugh or be entertained for long periods of time. After some refinement I became better at this, and every day at school felt somewhat like going to a gig to perform.
I think I started to be less tense as I began roaming the classroom more often, seemingly for no reason, I just felt like I could bounce of all the walls. I remember one time in lower sixth my English teacher groaning at another missed deadline and telling me that nothing I did would surprise her now; the next day I jumped out of the cupboard wearing a long coat and the doctor who theme playing on my phone, announcing "Dont worry! I'm the Doctor!" before running out of the room.
Unfortunately, I also developed a deep depression during school which would "peak" somewhat, several times a year and would always be worse on each episode. I've never found the exact cause, although its certainly influenced by my growing up and failure to achieve. As school wore on I began to self harm and attempted suicide at 17.
Nonetheless I was also periodically very creative and spontaneous at the time. I learned to play five instruments, started a series of bands, recorded a lot of music (writing about 30 pieces a year every year from 2005-present), wrote comedy, film scripts, made short films, a play and did public speaking competitions - although many of these were either started but never finished or set back my numerous missed deadlines.
Despite all this, I managed to leave school with some alright GCSEs and A levels (although not as good as I could have done, they were A-Cs and with an IQ of 130 I should have easily got 100% in everything bar Maths which Iv never managed to finished listening to or working from for a single lesson ever) and I went off to the University of Liverpool to do a degree in town planning (oh the irony) in 2009.
Away by myself, my organisation got even worse. Deadlines and extensions were missed and often failed or with vastly inferior grades. I often missed lectures accidentally from being up all the night before reading into hundreds of other subjects (I only got the internet when I moved to Uni, prior to this my only source of knowledge of new things had been a CD of Encarta 1996, a small amount of mainly fiction Id been given by relatives and what few programs were on the 4 Tv channels we had at home, so naturally I went a bit mad, getting heavily into science, astronomy, history, social,health and equality issues, and politics as well as opening new doors on music and comedy).
My depression and anxiety also spiraled out of control and I became increasingly socially withdrawn, barely leaving my room and avoiding my department at all costs. I also developed a debilitating widespread muscle pain problem, leaving me constantly in pain, weak and often unable to get out of bed. Some time after my 2nd suicide attempt, my girlfriend at the time suggested trying to find some help. The university health system was useless, and for five years I was bandied around between councilors, doctors and psychologists who prescribed me anti-depressants and CBT but said they couldnt make a firm diagnosis - I still knew nothing about the ADHD at this point, although my last psychologist suggested it to me just before he went on permanent sick leave (his last email to me was "Im sorry, I cant keep up with your metaphors and analogies, please dont contact me again").
I eventually left University mid-way through my third attempt at final year after having something of a breakdown, and having lost two 2 and 3 year long relationships down to ADHD and muscle weakness making sex tiring, painful or embarrassing from having random blank outs or washing machine brain. This was in back in March of this year.
Since getting back home, however, Iv made some considerable steps (mostly through the doors of various NHS centers). Doctors appointments in March and May eventually led to a mental health assessment with a psychologist and psychiatrist in September. After a second appointment last week I finally got diagnosed with ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder. Iv been prescribed 20mg Citalopram for the depression which I have started, although I wont get any ADHD meds until my next appointment at the end of this month - they havent discussed anything specifically with me yet, but they said there would be a number to consider - if anyone has any advice on meds, itd be great to hear! Iv also been referred to a rheumatologist about the muscle pain. I'm also on a 12 week waiting list for further CBT on other issues.
Currently Im unemployed (can I get sickness benefits?), trying to get a band off the ground, I write a blog and Im working on more writing material. Im afraid to look for another relationship until I feel Im well enough to be fair to the other person. Hopefully by the start of 2015 I will be starting the road to getting better, although I dont know how effective the meds are going to be or how long it will take to take effect.
Sorry about the really long post, but I really had to get it all out in text form and stop getting down about it all. If anyones got any comments on things or suggestions, Id love to hear them.
Thanks.
When I was younger I remember being pretty hyperactive for a short while up until about Year 2 or 3, I was always running around, jumping from one activity to the next, but whilst my brain kept cycling thoughts ever more rapidly, I gradually became more quiet and withdrawn physically - probably because my mum used to scream insults at me, make me feel like nothing and beat the crap out of me every day for about 10 years - usually to the point I would be screaming out of the window for someone in the street to help me, then thrown around some more after someone had rang the bell and been told to leave.
I think most kids only become self aware/guilty/shameful further down the line, but I was, grossly so, from about the age of 4 - which has probably helped me regretfully remember it all. During this point I closed down emotionally and socially too. I include this only because I used to mentally close down and block things out as a child, and I don't know how much this could contribute to my current state.
Throughout primary school I used to daydream a lot and be almost completely unable to concentrate or pay attention - and if I did (as my reports state) Id shout out random things unrelated to the discussion accidentally, earning me a lot of hate from both the kids and the teachers there (one teacher in primary school actually said to me in front of the class "are you retarded or something"). I used to have problems completing any form of homework or classwork, sometimes Id just suddenly come back from a blank out to find everyone else packing away or a teacher yelling my name and everyone looking at me and finding out they had been for some time.
I also used to wander about a lot during lessons, escaping from the classroom at least once a lesson. Sometimes I would walk around the school buildings, gaze into the fishpond or sit and read through every book in the school library - I think I was slightly insulted at the thought of drawing pictures and writing about what I did at the weekend when there was so much more to be doing like building the universe. Later on I'd often sit and marvel at the school's Victorian architecture, wondering what the school was like in those times, and wishing I could climb up and sit on the roof (I fulfilled this particular dream years later during a refurbishment, climbing up scaffolding with a friend whilst drunk and smoking a joint on the roof).
I also wasn't particularly good socially. I rarely had any friends at the time, usually ending up saying something vastly inappropriate or naive, leading to a promising career in being chased around being told I had rabies and having my shoes thrown into trees.
A lot of the ADHD-related stuff continued into secondary school, with the wandering around, the inattentiveness, the missed deadlines, the blanking out mid-conversation or mid-lesson as well as starting to be chronically late to things. Socially I began to improve somewhat - I quickly realized I was somehow able to make large numbers of people laugh or be entertained for long periods of time. After some refinement I became better at this, and every day at school felt somewhat like going to a gig to perform.
I think I started to be less tense as I began roaming the classroom more often, seemingly for no reason, I just felt like I could bounce of all the walls. I remember one time in lower sixth my English teacher groaning at another missed deadline and telling me that nothing I did would surprise her now; the next day I jumped out of the cupboard wearing a long coat and the doctor who theme playing on my phone, announcing "Dont worry! I'm the Doctor!" before running out of the room.
Unfortunately, I also developed a deep depression during school which would "peak" somewhat, several times a year and would always be worse on each episode. I've never found the exact cause, although its certainly influenced by my growing up and failure to achieve. As school wore on I began to self harm and attempted suicide at 17.
Nonetheless I was also periodically very creative and spontaneous at the time. I learned to play five instruments, started a series of bands, recorded a lot of music (writing about 30 pieces a year every year from 2005-present), wrote comedy, film scripts, made short films, a play and did public speaking competitions - although many of these were either started but never finished or set back my numerous missed deadlines.
Despite all this, I managed to leave school with some alright GCSEs and A levels (although not as good as I could have done, they were A-Cs and with an IQ of 130 I should have easily got 100% in everything bar Maths which Iv never managed to finished listening to or working from for a single lesson ever) and I went off to the University of Liverpool to do a degree in town planning (oh the irony) in 2009.
Away by myself, my organisation got even worse. Deadlines and extensions were missed and often failed or with vastly inferior grades. I often missed lectures accidentally from being up all the night before reading into hundreds of other subjects (I only got the internet when I moved to Uni, prior to this my only source of knowledge of new things had been a CD of Encarta 1996, a small amount of mainly fiction Id been given by relatives and what few programs were on the 4 Tv channels we had at home, so naturally I went a bit mad, getting heavily into science, astronomy, history, social,health and equality issues, and politics as well as opening new doors on music and comedy).
My depression and anxiety also spiraled out of control and I became increasingly socially withdrawn, barely leaving my room and avoiding my department at all costs. I also developed a debilitating widespread muscle pain problem, leaving me constantly in pain, weak and often unable to get out of bed. Some time after my 2nd suicide attempt, my girlfriend at the time suggested trying to find some help. The university health system was useless, and for five years I was bandied around between councilors, doctors and psychologists who prescribed me anti-depressants and CBT but said they couldnt make a firm diagnosis - I still knew nothing about the ADHD at this point, although my last psychologist suggested it to me just before he went on permanent sick leave (his last email to me was "Im sorry, I cant keep up with your metaphors and analogies, please dont contact me again").
I eventually left University mid-way through my third attempt at final year after having something of a breakdown, and having lost two 2 and 3 year long relationships down to ADHD and muscle weakness making sex tiring, painful or embarrassing from having random blank outs or washing machine brain. This was in back in March of this year.
Since getting back home, however, Iv made some considerable steps (mostly through the doors of various NHS centers). Doctors appointments in March and May eventually led to a mental health assessment with a psychologist and psychiatrist in September. After a second appointment last week I finally got diagnosed with ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder. Iv been prescribed 20mg Citalopram for the depression which I have started, although I wont get any ADHD meds until my next appointment at the end of this month - they havent discussed anything specifically with me yet, but they said there would be a number to consider - if anyone has any advice on meds, itd be great to hear! Iv also been referred to a rheumatologist about the muscle pain. I'm also on a 12 week waiting list for further CBT on other issues.
Currently Im unemployed (can I get sickness benefits?), trying to get a band off the ground, I write a blog and Im working on more writing material. Im afraid to look for another relationship until I feel Im well enough to be fair to the other person. Hopefully by the start of 2015 I will be starting the road to getting better, although I dont know how effective the meds are going to be or how long it will take to take effect.
Sorry about the really long post, but I really had to get it all out in text form and stop getting down about it all. If anyones got any comments on things or suggestions, Id love to hear them.
Thanks.