Post by Babble on Feb 16, 2015 13:01:15 GMT
Getting into a dark head-space at the moment.
I had the week from hell last week - my manager constantly on at me for making mistakes (one colleague said she was acting like a bully, and I can't disagree) and feeling like crap. Last Thursday was the first anniversary of a friend's suicide, and my manager chose that day to really lay into me. I was nearly in tears, and I'm not exactly one for outward displays of emotion. Friday was the last day on my contract, and I was very nervous all week about whether it'd get renewed. The meeting that was supposed to happen on Mon got pushed to Wed, then Thurs, then Fri. I got dragged aside 20mins before leaving and was told that it'd be renewed, but that I'd only be working 3 days a week. Cue half relief, half shame. I'm pretty sure my manager is sick of the sight of me.
Today I had my first panic attack in over a year. I actually dreaded going to work this morning. I'm constantly on edge because I know that I'll have screwed up again somewhere, and my manager is getting more and more annoyed with me. Every time she says I have to pay more attention/ focus more/ double check my work I just feel worse and worse about myself because I'm trying. Yet still failing. I feel like I'm doing twice the work for half the gain, if you get me.
Add onto that family illnesses, my best friend crying on the phone to me, and my Mum getting annoyed because I was useless all weekend and I'm just...
I don't even know. I feel very empty and sad, and I kinda want a big ol' hug from anyone at this point. I'm trying to keep myself from falling into the Bad Place I was in for the first half of my uni years, but it's blummin' difficult. I'm clutching at straws now.
I just needed to get this out of my head, otherwise it'd just keep on nagging at me. D'you think anyone would mind if I just hide under my duvet until summer?
I had the week from hell last week - my manager constantly on at me for making mistakes (one colleague said she was acting like a bully, and I can't disagree) and feeling like crap. Last Thursday was the first anniversary of a friend's suicide, and my manager chose that day to really lay into me. I was nearly in tears, and I'm not exactly one for outward displays of emotion. Friday was the last day on my contract, and I was very nervous all week about whether it'd get renewed. The meeting that was supposed to happen on Mon got pushed to Wed, then Thurs, then Fri. I got dragged aside 20mins before leaving and was told that it'd be renewed, but that I'd only be working 3 days a week. Cue half relief, half shame. I'm pretty sure my manager is sick of the sight of me.
Today I had my first panic attack in over a year. I actually dreaded going to work this morning. I'm constantly on edge because I know that I'll have screwed up again somewhere, and my manager is getting more and more annoyed with me. Every time she says I have to pay more attention/ focus more/ double check my work I just feel worse and worse about myself because I'm trying. Yet still failing. I feel like I'm doing twice the work for half the gain, if you get me.
Add onto that family illnesses, my best friend crying on the phone to me, and my Mum getting annoyed because I was useless all weekend and I'm just...
I don't even know. I feel very empty and sad, and I kinda want a big ol' hug from anyone at this point. I'm trying to keep myself from falling into the Bad Place I was in for the first half of my uni years, but it's blummin' difficult. I'm clutching at straws now.
I just needed to get this out of my head, otherwise it'd just keep on nagging at me. D'you think anyone would mind if I just hide under my duvet until summer?