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Post by tessaract on Mar 6, 2015 2:47:25 GMT
Guess its time to leave the safety of the introductions thread. Going through the stage of "do I, dont I?. Do I?, Dont I? have this disorder or not. So I read a few posts and its, yip think I do.
No getting away from it.
Feel like crying right now because it feels so hopeless. I feel like exploding with frustration.
I hate being poor.
I have a private app on Mar 30th, have no money to pay for this appointment.
I thought I could ask my mother but when I told her I had a private app, she asked how I was gonna pay for it. Might ask my dad, but its like trying to get blood out of a stone, and he'll be like ADWhat?
I'm scared and just want to get on with my life.
I want to study, be reliable, have money, keep a job for longer that a few months. Be successful in my life (for me, not money, power etc)
I have this wierd knack where I end up hating someone in work, it becomes unbearable and I make it into this massive deal where I cant work with them anymore, the boss usually gets involved, I tell another co-worker, they get involved, sh!t hits the fan and somehow I have caused a major sh!t storm and then I leave HAHA! GOD! I'm great to have around....NOT!. This is not normal.
I was out at the weekend and I started blabbing on about how I was going to get diagnosed for ADD and everyone started saying: why do you want to do that? Oh but I do that all the time............why do you want to label yourself?
Well maybe because my life is a giant bloody lump of underachievement. I have brains, lots of them but whats the point if you cant bloody use it properly?
Oh ya.......................I forgot my mothers birthday! it was a month and a half ago and I remembered two days ago. FUC*!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm great me! Tragic comedy. UUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
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Post by tessaract on Mar 6, 2015 16:34:43 GMT
So my private appointment is on the 30th. ITs gonna cost 350euros. The catch 22 is that I just cant get the money together.
My boyfriend came home and I told him I was thinking of not paying the rent that week so i could go to th appointment. Of course he wasnt very happy about that at all. I went into more detail about how I thought this was affecting me and I asked him if he thought I had it. He said- everyone has those problems dont they?
I asked him what he thought and he said he doesnt know what to think. I tried to explain how this was affecting me and I saw his eyes glaze over. I asked him if he just wanted me to shut up about it and he said yes and started laughing. I started crying.
So now i feel like he thinks i'm being dramatic, looking for a reason to explain away my underachievment as a functioning person in the world. Looking for an excuse to be a loser. Wasting money on some stupid idea I just dreamed up. I told him to forget about the idea of not paying the rent, I know its stupid but I just feel like I have no other option. But forget about it, its just gonna cause tension and resentment between us.
He's sitting across from me now and I really want to cry again but I'm not going to, fuck him. Looks like I'm on my own with this one. Just gonna have to suffer on. If and when I get the diagnosis I'm gonnna throw it in his face. So bloody upset and angry right now. I want to punch something.
From now on I'm keeping my mouth shut.
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Post by tessaract on Mar 6, 2015 18:03:35 GMT
calm again, told my OH that all i wanted from him was for him to believe me. Turns out all he's thinking about is how much its gonna cost. He believes me.
Said I'm not gonna talk about it again and I'm just gonna carry on and go to my appointment. I told him that if I'm diagnosed I'm gonna spend at least a week saying I told ya so! He laughed.
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Post by tessaract on Apr 3, 2015 10:36:32 GMT
Does anyone even read these?
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Post by JJ on Apr 3, 2015 13:15:53 GMT
I've read your thread I totally hear what you're saying and the "we all do that" comment is soooooooooooo exasperating isn't it? The answer is, we all cry sometimes but it doesn't mean we're all depressed or we all get drunk sometimes but it doesn't make us all alcoholics. The point is that if we're crying / drinking lots of times on lots of days and it's having an impact on our ability to function then those diagnoses are brought into play. There's a thread on here from a year or so called 'but we all do that' (or v similar) - go and have a read - there are some useful answers to the 'we all do that' comment Did you go and get a private appt? How did it go if so? Are you abroad? Xxx
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Post by tessaract on Apr 3, 2015 17:07:02 GMT
Hey JJ, just realised that this thread is for a diary and not for advice or whatever.
Told my dad and he said, "I have that too, everyone has it!" GRRRRR
I had to cancel the appointment because I didnt have the money to go, made a new appointment for the 27th of april, opened a post office account so trying to save whatever I can and my dad said he'll help me out.
Both my parents read the symptoms and I think they both realise that I probably have ADHD.
I met my mum a while back, she said: "I read up on ADHD online......you're f*&ked!" She has a a dry humour so it was funny I assure you.
Today has been really really hard. I feel hopeless, a waste of space, a burden, pathetic. I fel like my family keeps me at arms length. I feel like my boyfriend just sees a lazy lump who sits around all day doing nothing. I feel like he might dump me soon.
This diagnosis and help I'm looking for needs to happen yesterday.
I said this in another thread but for the first time since I was a teenager I have thought about leaving this earth.
All day long I have felt sheer desperation, I want to cry but I cant because I just feel so frustrated its like theres a blockage and I cant cry.
I'm thinking of getting speed and taking a little bit every day and see if it helps. stupid i know, just desperate.
My stomach is in knots. I feel sick and dizzy and I'm hoping writing this will help me.
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Post by JJ on Apr 4, 2015 14:24:15 GMT
So sorry you're feeling so low tessaract, I really know where you're coming from. There's nothing that can make that feeling go at will, but something that helped me a lot was reading about or listening to stuff on You Tube about adhd (esp Prof Russell Barkely's lectures). The more I read authoritative info on adhd, the more it helped me accept it wasn't MY fault I'm like this - and this helps with not being quite so hard on yourself. Despite all the crappy things about adhd and how it impacts every area of your life, you are more than an inability to be organised, pay attention, be motivated etc, that's not the sum of you. There are good qualities too - kindness, depth, intelligence, your sense of humour etc - those are the things that are more defining as a human being, even if the adhd stuff seems to cloud them all out in your self perception. I'm not being blithe or flippant, I know exactly how bad things can feel, I'm just gently reminding you of the whole picture and not just the adhd part. I hope you can get a diagnosis / medication soon. Have you looked on the search function here to see if there is any other info on getting diagnosed in Ireland. It just struck me that if you have to go private, and there's a choice of doctors, it might be a good idea to find our what medication they would normally initially prescribe and go for the one that tries the cheapest meds as a first line. (This would almost certainly be methylphenidate btw) How are things today? Xxx
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Post by tessaract on Apr 8, 2015 22:20:47 GMT
Strange life/brain. The day above I fell asleep for a couple of hours and when i woke up I felt much more positive. Just like that! Maybe this is the extremes of emotion and inablilty to control emotions. I wonder.
My life is at a standstill at the moment. Since I realised I might be ADD and now think I'm ADHD I'm quite afraid to start something, sign up for anything, do a course, volunteer or look for a job because I will just mess it up like I do with everything else. I freak out, walk out, dont get on with colleagues, blurt things out in frustration, I dont turn up, decide on a whim that I'm not going to work that day or I'm 2 hours late and I make up some story about the bus when in reality I didnt get to sleep til 4am and when the alarm goes off at 7am I've slept through it.
I'm so sick of fucking up and just want to wait until I know for sure if there is anything wrong with how my brain works before I leave another job. Has/Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
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mc1250
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Post by mc1250 on Apr 8, 2015 23:28:49 GMT
Hi. Just read up here and thought I'd weigh in a little especially about your idea for self medicating with speed!
As I went down down that dangerous route pre diagnosis and guess what?.....I ended up being an even bigger mess then I was before. It took one of my mates who saw me one day to call me up and say "you looked a complete f**king mess, what's wrong with you!?" For me to realise I need to knock that one on the head straight away.
Anyway bottom line is that, that brief moment of clarity you may get out of it will be dwarfed by the anxiety, paranoia and sleepless nights which could easily lead to phycosis!
I understand that once you realise you have adhd nothing else matters other then getting it sorted! That hyper focus that makes you chase a diagnosis like your life depended on it! It doesn't! You've survived this long without it you can easily survive a few more months going through the long winded and frustrating nhs route.
This is turning into a bit of an essay!
Anyway I'll try be quick. .....knowing I might not get help or that it could take a year or so to get it, actually helped the most! Because it meant I had to help myself. So I did. Started exercising, taking supplements omega 3's, l-theanine etc building and sticking to routines and by the end of it when I got my diagnosis and medication. I didn't even end up taking the medication at first or wven that rwgularly cos I was in such a good place already. Sure I still had the symptoms but I felt like I could cope with them better or at least not let them rule me Like before.
Could go on forever but I'm not sure if you've fallen asleep or started day dreaming About other stuff.
So I'll leave at this ..... Help yourself first as the primary option to getting better and the external help as the back up plan ....or something along those Lines....I'm sure you get the jist of what I'm saying.
Good luck and don't give up!
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mc1250
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Post by mc1250 on Apr 9, 2015 0:48:09 GMT
I've only just read your latest post. As I started writing my previous one before your one a couple of hours back But due to the joys of parenthood I had to stop mid sentence and deal with nappies, bed times and usual parenting stuff.
Anyway I know exactly how you feel. Especially about being to afraid to look for work or try new things in case I mess it up.
Finding out and being diagnosed with adhd was a blessing and curse for me.
Blessing - I stopped hating on myself! As now I realised that the things that I messed up wasn't because I was a sh!t person but there were things which I had little or no control over. Impulses foe instance! So beating myself up over things was and making myself depressed stopped. And obviously started to help myself to deal with it.
Curse - 'self full filling prophecy' ... now by trying not to let the adhd get the better of me and constantly worrying about it, actually made me mess up more and blame things that might not have been a result of it on it.....which I've sort of calmed down on now.
The worst part was the work thing as I came to realise I had adhd after I got made redundant now I was terrified of getting another job and thought I can't go back to work, I won't be able to cope (Forgetting that I'd been working fine for the past 10 years. Didn't do great but was still working). Felt like giving up and hiding away from it all. But like I said once I started helping myself it gave me the confidence to get back out there and I did. and the two jobs I've had in between didn't go particularly well and had knocked my confidence back a bit again and I went through the whole "I'm sh!t and worthless and shouldn't even be working coz I'll just f**k it up again" thought process. luckily gets superceded by "You know what, so what if I screwed this job up. I'll just keep trying till I finally find a job I fit into, because I've done it before so it'll happen again!" And at the end if the day being broke and living off benefits will destroy anyone more then falling at a job.
Again another essay sorry. But the things you said I did relate to quite a bit and felt I needed to say something about it.so if you can stay awake for a little longer or harder still.... stay focused! Then i'll carry on.
Anyway my biggest issue was anxiety which I've had over !5 years which was the biggest barrier to things especially getting a knew job. As anyone with anxiety knows it create some pretty big walls that only you can see that are stopping you from a potentially normal life.
Anyway the l-theanine pretty much dealt with that. It got rid of my anxiety by about 90-95%. So where as before it I was like "I can't get a job because I'll be Sh!t at it and be ridiculed by my colleagues" but now that walls down I'm like "the chances are I might not be very good at this job but I'm going to do it anyway and hope for the best!".
You mentioned about staying up till the early hours then sleeping through the alarm and having to make up Bullsh!t exuses for being late! Snap! Story of my life and many others! How did I get over this. Routine/exercise - before bed 45 mins exercise tire me out and get me to sleep ( lost a stone and half over several months as well so felt even better).
Anyway I'm probably painting myself as super sorted but in truth this all lasted for about 6 months and I've fallen back into old bad habits. Plus all routines and stuff have gone out the windows due to new baby And losing my way as many do by being a lazy bar steward...not a great point to leave with I know.
The actual point is You can be a better person and not be governed by the condition you can have control over it I know as I've done it and i will do it again once things have settled down at home as in truth when I had been doing all the exercise/routines/vitamins etc (without the diagnosis and medication) I'd never felt better And more in control as I did then. I'll get it back as I miss the regular good sleep the not having to lie to the manager etc....Anyway I've done it am going to do it agian and I think you should give it a shot to. put the diagnosis and med's idea in second place For now and see how it goes.
I should be asleep right now!! So bye for now.
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Post by tessaract on Apr 9, 2015 10:39:23 GMT
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I think speed idea was just a stupid thought made out of desperation. All I think about all day long is ADHD. I keep lookng back at my life throught the prism of ADHD and everything makes sense. Unfortunately I have never been able to hold down a job. The longest I have ever lasted was a year and I left that job too in a blaze of controversy (hated by the girl I worked with and I never spoke to half the staff as I was paralysed with social anxiety.) So one day it all got too much and I was told by my colleague that I moved to fast and I was really moody! I couldnt deal with it anymore and walked out one day. It was a good job with good pay and about 5 mins from my flat Lots and lots of those stories, in another couple of jobs I asked to use the toilet and never came back! Another job I went on my lunch break and never came back, endless list. I worked for my boyfriends mother (she is a complete nightmare of a woman, everyone agrees) and I was made a manager, I lost it, couldnt organise myself and kept forgetting orders, it didnt help that the job was a complete disaster due to her inability to run the place properly but anyway one day she shouted at me in front of everyone, I had enough and at the end of the day I sent her a text saying I quit. She hasnt spoken to me since December! THe list goes on and on!
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Post by tessaract on Apr 9, 2015 11:01:40 GMT
find it really hard to stay in top of returning phonecalls and texts. My friend texted me 2 days ago and I just replied. urrrrghh, gets me on all sorts of trouble. Hate answering the phone too.
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Post by millillion on Apr 10, 2015 20:35:22 GMT
find it really hard to stay in top of returning phonecalls and texts. My friend texted me 2 days ago and I just replied. urrrrghh, gets me on all sorts of trouble. Hate answering the phone too. I'm the same, if not, then worse. It causes so much harm. You may find that it is a part of AvPD. For me it is, Try your best to answer and make good habits, I'm likely set in my ways, but I will keep trying when I have strength. I wonder what it would be like to wake up tomorrow to never have mental health problems again
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 10, 2015 22:24:12 GMT
find it really hard to stay in top of returning phonecalls and texts. My friend texted me 2 days ago and I just replied. urrrrghh, gets me on all sorts of trouble. Hate answering the phone too. i think that's pretty common with adhd... i get really behind with emails as well as phone calls and texts, and can only really deal with them when i've got the right sort of energy. but in the right mood it feels painless, which is weird.
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mc1250
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Post by mc1250 on Apr 11, 2015 18:18:41 GMT
Same here I have to be in the right frame of mind to reply. Otherwise usually I force myself to try respond and write out a whole email or text then delete it and maybe do that several times. I waist so much time dithering with things like that. And by the time I am in the right mood to reply, replying seems stupid because of the amount of time that has lapsed and whatever I wanted to say would Now seem pointless and odd!
As for looking back on life now with the adhd goggles on and everything making sense. Yeah done that and think if only I had been diagnosed sooner things would have been different. But all that's doing is beating myself up over things that can't be changed!
People say you should never live with regrets but that's all I've got! Most of them so bad when I think about them I actually physically shiver out of embarrassment!
Oh what a wonderful uncomplicated world we live in hey!
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Post by tessaract on Apr 13, 2015 14:16:22 GMT
^^^^^That is exactly how I feel. Down to a T. I wait and wait, I forget, I remember, I forget and then its been so long that I feel really embarrassed and guilty and then I dont send the text/email. Almost every text starts with an apology. I seem to have to be in the right frame of mind too. Has to be the right moment.
When I think of all the jobs and opportunities I've messed up I feel so much regret. I dont feel too angry about not being diagnosed earlier as I was only diagnosed with dyscalculia when I was 28 so I think all my anger at not being diagnosed and all the hardships in school was dealt with then.
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Post by tessaract on Apr 14, 2015 2:53:12 GMT
Anyone else speed read? Excessive reading. Cant stop. argh 13 days until my evaluation. Been reading about all the different medications, has me quite freaked out because I always seem to have strong reactions to medication. Also had/have an overactive thyroid (Graves disease) which means there could be issues with my heart rate and palpitations. That is such a horrible feeling, dont get them anymore except when I feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack (havnt had one in years though because I understand how they work, so I'm able to fight them off) dont know if I want to feel like I'm gonna die of a heart attack all day every day. Had another blood test today so hopefully the wont be issues with the specialist thinking its all my thyroid causing me to think I'm adhd. I know the difference. Getting ahead of myself of course, has me worried though. Excessive posts too Been sitting at laptop/online for approx 8 hours. Time for bed. Dear God!!
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Post by tessaract on Apr 16, 2015 21:51:02 GMT
Had my appointment with a psychiatrist today but it turns out he is a psychologist.
I told him I thought I had ADHD.
We discussed a few things like my inability to hold down a job and issues with losing my temper and not being able to anwer the phone, hyperfocus, time management and procrastination.
He gave me an excercise, to set a maximum of 5 reminders, 2 being get up and go to bed reminders and the other 3 of my choosing. He said I dont have to do the things on my alarm right away, I just need to get used to thinking about the things I need when the alarm goes off and to not to feel bad. Just to think and not put too much pressure on myself at the moment.
His exact words were: "I'd be very surprised if you didnt have ADHD"
So he thinks I have it just by seeing me for an hour.
11 more days until my assessment. Bring it on!
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Post by tessaract on Apr 18, 2015 21:18:43 GMT
Havent set any alarms yet, monday, monday!
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Post by tessaract on Apr 21, 2015 13:39:46 GMT
Just met my mum for lunch. She's coming to the appointment with me next week. She wanted to know what kinds of questions the specialist would be asking her and I said it would be mostly about my childhood.
I asked her what the the teachers said about me in primary school and get this:
The teacher(s) told my mother that I might as well not be there, that I was there in body but not in mind. That they would call me over and over and I wouldnt hear them or be listening. They thought I night be deaf so my mother had to pay for a private hearing test!!! Obviously I'm not deaf.
This is like a textbook description of inattentiveness.
Quite surprised to say the least, I remember the hearing test but I thought all kids got it.
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mc1250
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Post by mc1250 on Apr 22, 2015 9:16:10 GMT
Not sure if you've had your assesement yet so if you have how did it go? Also you met with the shrink? I thought if you're meeting a shrink to discuss ADHD then that would be the assesment! Or is it in another format.
As for school i don't remeber havng any issues and neither did my friends but thats because at school all the way p to secondary i never gave a sh!t about anything so even though i was falling behind, being disruptive etc i never cared.
It's only in adult life when these issues started bugging me. And luckily for me i found a school report from secondary school and nearly all the teachers said i lacked focus/attention, was always late to classes always forgetting my books and stationary needed for the classes, dissruptive, would alwys need to be brought back mentally to the class as i was away witht he fairys etc and i was like "OH! so it has always been there.!"
To get my appointment for the actual assesment with the shrink i had to fill out a questionaire and so did my wife (it had to be close family member who could comment on your behaviour) and it was like a multiple choice thing, the whole agree, neutral, dissagree to certain statemants about day to day life and your attention. And basically my wife and mine strongly agreed to most of these points that indicated i could have adhd. Anyway have you got that for your mum to fill out as that would obviously help especially as she remembers your troubles from school better then you do.
Also the thing you mentioned about the your mum telling you the teachers said you 'might well ave not been there' as you never listened when called. I'm getting reports like that from my daughters tachers so pretty worried i've passed down my sh!t life to her! I've asked the for meetings with the SENCO (special educational needs cordinator) met with her once for 10 mins and even though i'd only met this woman she completely dissmissed me and told me she didn't think i had it and that my daughter def doesn't have it and it's just that shes young (august child). Anyway i think this is something i need to take to the parent forum about getting kids assesed properly, it's just that you reminded me of it with what you said.
Anyway good luck with assement if you've not had it yet and let us know how you get on.
By the way heart problems/palputations and stimulant meds hmmmmm not sure they'd be keen on giving them ot after they hear that. As before i could be put on meds they had to do a physical on me, blood pressure, ECG etc before thy could offer me the MP.
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Post by tessaract on Apr 22, 2015 9:47:40 GMT
Hey, I have my assessment next Monday. I'm actually really excited because I want to get on with my life as best as I can and once I have this diagnosis I will get the support I need, if not from doctors then just some understanding from family and friends. Hopefully.
The appointment I had last week was with a psychiatrist(I thought) but he was actually a psychologist. There is a place called MyMind(Ireland) where if you are unemployed it only costs approx £15 to see someone so I went there to get his opinion before I spent a fortune on a diagnosis, just to ease my mind and of course he said he would be surprised if I didnt have it.
The guy I'm seeing is THE expert in aspergers, autism and adhd in Ireland so I think his assessment is about an hour long so no forms to fill out, I guess he will just ask my mum about my childhood and then speak to me. The fact that he such an expert and has done hundreds and hundreds of assessments it will be a lot easier for him to figure it out. I'm thinking about asking my boyfriend to come to the appointment with me too so he can ask questions about how I am on a day to day basis, I know he will talk about my quick temper and my harsh words and my inability to stick to anything. Not sure if he's gonna be too happy about going there too.
Also he is the cheapest by half of all the private practices in Ireland, even going through the HSE(NHS) costs 550e which makes me think he is a good person who wants to help people.
Tick tock tick tock!!
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mc1250
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Post by mc1250 on Apr 23, 2015 17:02:02 GMT
I'm glad your on route to where you wanna get to and even better that your seeing an expert in the field. As the first shrink I saw was a general one and it was obvious I knew more about the condition then she did! She was more interested about whether I'd been abused and all that Freudian physco-sexual bullshit he goes on about! Anyway she only asked me two questions on it and then prescribed me strattera! Anyway luckily a month after I saw someone who actually knew about it.
The only problem was he said all he can do is dish out drugs and couldn't offer any other alternative treatments like CBT etc as there wasn't enough adults in my borough for them to justify the cost of offering these other services and a referral to the mauldsly centre was out the question as it was to expensive.
So although it's good you're heading in the right direction don't expect to much. Expect bare minimum help and anything else is a bonus or else you'll feel worse coming out of it.
Anyway good luck with it and hope it all goes well.
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Post by tessaract on Apr 27, 2015 13:53:11 GMT
Not very happy today. Got my diagnosis. I have ADD, ODD and Aspergers.
I really do not relate to the aspergers at all.
I was prepared for the ADD and guessed a few days ago that I had ODD but aspergers?? I'm reading up on it now and I'm sorry to sound like a dickhead but I'm finding this particular diagnosis hard to deal with. Why? because its seems like a much more butt of a joke disorder. Sorry if anyone has it here, I'm not happy about it at all.
On the plus side he recommended strattera and I'm just waiting now for the report so the doctor can take it from there.
grrrrrrrr
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 27, 2015 15:42:44 GMT
Hi tessaractwell done on getting through the appointment and Sorry you're not happy. i think it's hard to get any labels and it takes time to learn, process, understand. Tho maybe worth remembering that unless eg you are after particular treatment, then it's for you to accept or reject labels and decide how to label / name yourself. there's a lot of overlap between ADHD and Asperger's or ASD; it comes up regularly and there are a fair number of threads on the subject which it might be helpful to read. (I recall that PD recently linked to something that suggested something about inattentive adhd and asperger's actually being different points on a spectrum and the label depending on who was doing the assessing) there's also a lot that's been written about how very different asperger's is in women compared to men. a lot of that is because herr asperger didn't actually include any women at all in his studies. i've done a fair bit of reading on this because my GP doesn't "believe" in adhd apart from hyperactive small boys. as a result i saved for a private ADHD assessment and then went back to the GP with the diagnosis and report. he still didn't believe in ADHD but agreed to refer me for an ASD assessment with the understanding that they may choose to also do an ADHD assessment. that's all that was on the table so I agreed. after a bit of a battle to sort out funding i'm now on a waiting list. like you, i was initially slightly horrified at the idea, but realised that probably said more about my understanding of ASD than anything else. I decided to do some reading and work out for myself whether there was any truth in it. So i've been ploughing through academic papers, online tests, forums blogs from psychs who specialise in HFA or ASD or Apsperger's in women, and blogs written by aspies, particularly women. it has opened my eyes and my mind and completely changed my head. not least because in these tests i alwasy seem to score at the other end of the spectrum from what i might have expected. and i recognise myself in some of the blogs, in others' responses, gifts and struggles. my reaction has been, bloody hell, who knew???!!! i'm not there yet - and i'm still on a waiting list for assessment! - but i've certainly learned a lot, and if not in a place of happy acceptance i'm a lot less visceral in my response to the idea
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Post by Foxtrot on Apr 27, 2015 19:52:55 GMT
That's an awful lot to take in. It's going to take time to process it all. you may find as you move forward, that some aspects of one or more of those conditions seem to fit more so than others. Any one of those conditions is a huge thing to come to terms with. Take some time, learn more about them and continue to work with your psychiatrist. The important thing is that you find the right treatment that helps you.
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Post by tessaract on Apr 28, 2015 8:14:10 GMT
Thanks contrarymary for your informative post. I was very ignorant to what aspergers actually meant. Because of your post I was able to look at how it affects women in particular.
Still very depressed about it all and quite teary eyed since I woke at 6am this morning. Just thinking about what kind of life is in store for me. I dont want to spend the rest of my life being socially inept and the reality is I always thought that I had some issues with trying to maintain friendships. But I have some really great friends, I love to go out, I have no issues with chatting to people and small talk although I had to teach myself that small talk is nescessary, when I realised this I became quite good at it and I enjoy talking to people. In my jobs in cafes I enjoyed talking to customers, I found it very hard at the beginning but now its no problem at all.
My main issue is dealing with the stresses of a job, being on time, being properly dressed, dealing with co-workers.
Thanks Foxtrot for your calm words. Its very true, just need time to process. Will be spending the day finding out how I can live the best life I can and see what support is available to me. One thing I do well is advocate and demand help and support I'm entitled to. At least I have that.
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 28, 2015 8:42:52 GMT
Hi tessaracti think where my head is at - eventually, so far - is that any of these labels aren't "giving" me anything, but describing reasons for why something might be difficult for me. it's not my fault, it isn't that i'm failing in some way or not trying hard enough, but that my brain is wired differently. in a sense they are simply naming something of my experience, and my hope is that the naming of it will help understanding and acceptance to grow - both my own and other peoples'. the fact that you are good at things like small talk and have some great friends is testament to who you are. the labels don't take that away but simply describe that you have learned to be good by a different way to other people. you are still good at it, and will continue to be. and it hasn't come without any effort or thought, but is a chosen, skilled behaviour which you have developed. i think the point of labels is to grow understanding for and of ourselves, and to be able to access support or expertise or adjustments. i don't feel that adhd completely describes my experience, and am hoping that if i do collect an asperger's label that there may be some sort of support and learning that goes with that which helps me to understand My experience. xx
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Post by tessaract on Apr 30, 2015 0:25:50 GMT
You make so much sense contrarymary, another part about ASD apparently is above average verbal/writing skills, you certainly have that. Thank you for your logic and wisdom. I've calmed down a bit and obviously decided that I'm still me, that has not changed. But to be perfectly honest I do not relate to most of the ASD descriptions. The things I relate to are: Sensory issues: always freak out over noise, loud noises, beeping sounds, crying/screaming children. I hear sounds that others dont hear and they bug the crap out of me and I actually get the feeling of just wanting to get away fast, its such a strong reaction that I cant even control it. Strong sense of justice/morality to the point where I gave up watching the news because at times I would bawl my eyes out to see suffering. Gut wrenching. Artistic. etc etc. Goddamit! Probably need to join an ASD forum too Note to self, Stick to the ADD stuff. Thanks to everyone for the support. There are a lot of wise, clued in, thoughtful souls here. And if that is the trade off for ADD, to be wise, kind and articulate instead of being organised and being NeuroTypical then I'll gladly take ADD. XXXXXXX I ain't going anywhere (looks like a goodbye post up there lol, its not!)
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 30, 2015 1:28:44 GMT
(i'm hoping that's the winking smiley - i have no idea where my glasses are!!!) xx
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