Post by luddite on Apr 4, 2015 16:33:44 GMT
Taken me 7 weeks to find a therapist. Not good enough.
Have to apologise for everything that I do wrong. Even if I think it's right and it turns out I am.
Have to sit and listen to being told that I am warped, make stuff up/lie, cover up stuff, get defensive. For hours and hours.
Have to address my anger issues - but if I don't lose it then I'm shut down and unresponsive.
It's my ADD - no, it's my passive-aggressiveness - no, it's me being just like my dad - no, it's me not dealing with my ADD.
Was 20 mins late cooking dinner one time 3 years ago - just brought it up again.
Can't face people thinking she's a bad person because they all believe my lies.
I still haven't got a job. Not even bothered looking.
Can't face going into the garden in case she sees some madness I have done. Like sowing carrots and parsnips alternately once.
Uncompromising. Once I make my mind up, that's it. Yes - when it's wiring the house and it's the regulations. No, when you want to spend a grand on a new ceiling because you don't like the exposed beams and you get what you want. And a walk-in shower for another grand.
I am so tired. So down. I wish I'd never met her. I absolutely loved her but this has been too much. She never forgets, never forgives, never relents, never stops reminding me of things even if I've apologised, never hears what I say, constantly worried about what people think of her, wants things now no matter the cost, never believes me, pours scorn on me, boils in rage if I say 'no'. Bakes me cakes, buys me books.
I can't work with her - yes I can, but I thought that if she was collecting potatoes I was digging up it might be safer not to do it under the fork I was using to dig them up.
I never thought I'd think this. She was the best thing that had happened to me and now I wish she'd just go away. When she's not here I feel like a weight's been lifted off. When she's here I'm stressed, feel like I'm a guilty little boy all the time having to explain myself.
I have fucked things up and I am very sorry they happened, and I am working on it, but I must draw the line sometimes, and when I do she boils with rage, doesn't sleep, accuses me of being a cnt and goes and gets drunk next door.
Have to apologise for everything that I do wrong. Even if I think it's right and it turns out I am.
Have to sit and listen to being told that I am warped, make stuff up/lie, cover up stuff, get defensive. For hours and hours.
Have to address my anger issues - but if I don't lose it then I'm shut down and unresponsive.
It's my ADD - no, it's my passive-aggressiveness - no, it's me being just like my dad - no, it's me not dealing with my ADD.
Was 20 mins late cooking dinner one time 3 years ago - just brought it up again.
Can't face people thinking she's a bad person because they all believe my lies.
I still haven't got a job. Not even bothered looking.
Can't face going into the garden in case she sees some madness I have done. Like sowing carrots and parsnips alternately once.
Uncompromising. Once I make my mind up, that's it. Yes - when it's wiring the house and it's the regulations. No, when you want to spend a grand on a new ceiling because you don't like the exposed beams and you get what you want. And a walk-in shower for another grand.
I am so tired. So down. I wish I'd never met her. I absolutely loved her but this has been too much. She never forgets, never forgives, never relents, never stops reminding me of things even if I've apologised, never hears what I say, constantly worried about what people think of her, wants things now no matter the cost, never believes me, pours scorn on me, boils in rage if I say 'no'. Bakes me cakes, buys me books.
I can't work with her - yes I can, but I thought that if she was collecting potatoes I was digging up it might be safer not to do it under the fork I was using to dig them up.
I never thought I'd think this. She was the best thing that had happened to me and now I wish she'd just go away. When she's not here I feel like a weight's been lifted off. When she's here I'm stressed, feel like I'm a guilty little boy all the time having to explain myself.
I have fucked things up and I am very sorry they happened, and I am working on it, but I must draw the line sometimes, and when I do she boils with rage, doesn't sleep, accuses me of being a cnt and goes and gets drunk next door.