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Post by Babble on Apr 23, 2015 11:14:26 GMT
I'm having one of those days where I'm struggling not to blurt out everything that comes into my head.
Seemed a good time to start a journal thread on here - hopefully in the process preventing me from weirding out/ accidentally offending any colleagues!
So I'm only just starting on the ADD journey - I haven't been officially diagnosed. Never know, might get half way through this journal and find out that I'm just an oddball!
I've been fairly certain of my diagnosis for ~ 5 years though. Went through a rough time at uni - a tangle of depression, panic attacks and what I'm fairly certain was GAD - and realised that something wasn't quite right. Up until that point the word 'freak' was how I described myself. One internet search into anxiety disorders and a curious click on an ADHD link later (thank you, Wikipedia), I felt like the heavens had opened up, and choir of angels was singing Hallelujah!
Not a freak, just wired differently! Phew! What a relief!
Still taken me this long to get to grips with the whole thing, and I'm only just getting the ball rolling on getting myself an official diagnosis.
I wasn't going to try for it at first, because I thought I could cope without drugs/CBT/ etc. Turns out, the older you get, the more responsibilities you have - so I've gotten to the point now where I'm struggling to keep my head above water!
Unfortunately, part of that is my inability to tackle anything on my 'To Do' list at the moment. Which includes 'Sign up to the Doctors, goddamn it!' (verbatim, because my 'To Do' list is about 80% swear words at this point). I got the forms in early Feb. Filled them in mid-March. Now need to find wherever they've hidden themselves so I can send them back to the docs!
Also on my list 'Tell parents (oh, crap)'. Yeah... I should really get round to doing that.
I'm living up to my username right now. Gonna stop babbling before I end up writing an essay on tetracholordibenzodioxin (that's a legit chemical, I promise) because for some reason I have the subject whirling round in my head. Really going to shut up now, and actually do some work. Probably. May google 'dioxins' first, because self-control is for the weak. (That's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it.)
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Post by Babble on Apr 24, 2015 9:44:03 GMT
Trying to be organized about 'coming out' to my parents (I imagine it to be similar to stepping out from Narnia). Printing of leaflets and questionnaire sheets. Half tempted to print off the whole Wiki page too.
The problem is, I know how they're likely to react. Dad will get all worried, and probably do a load of research, but won't talk about it. Mum will call me 'Nesh' (aka, pansy-ass/ weak/ over-sensitive), tell me dismissively that I don't have it, and then will shrug the whole thing off as 'Abi being Abi'. We don't talk about mental health/ emotional distress in our house - we're more the shut up and put up type - which I, obviously, have a problem with.
So basically I'm trying to figure out a way to get them to see a list of symptoms, and realise how closely they relate to me before the words 'ADD' come out of my mouth. There's a lot of stereotypes about people with ADD, and I don't exhibit the more stereotypical traits of like hyperactivity etc. Kinda worried that they'll dismiss what I have to say because of that.
I've told my closest friends though, and they've been supportive. I saw some of them over Christmas and they gave me a load of sugar 'cause I told them it made me worse (as in hyper as all hell), and they found my reaction pretty hilarious. I'm very bad at resisting certain sweets, so they made sure to have some. Thought my brain was going to explode 'cause I had so much energy - couldn't sit still for anything, and had to physically have my hand over my mouth to stop myself from babbling lol.
Ah, tangent! Stopping now.
This was supposed to turn into a list of the resources I was going to use, partly to help me keep track of what I've been looking at, but I don't have time now. Might do that tonight or tomorrow instead! Want to do some research into the different meds as well, 'cause I'm not sure what's out there tbh.
I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself though. Maybe it'd be better if I got a diagnosis first, and then told my parents?
I don't know. Tailspinning now. Stopping before I get myself dizzy.
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Post by Babble on Apr 27, 2015 10:47:00 GMT
Feel like I need to find a new job asap, before I screw up irreparably at my current workplace. Aka, before they have reason to fire me/ give me a bad reference...
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Post by Babble on May 7, 2015 9:16:50 GMT
Finally got my ass in gear and signed up to the doctors!
Having a 'journal' to be held accountable to is helping with the whole shitty motivation thing.
Part of the delay is down to the fact that I'm kinda dreading the whole 'I think I have ADD, can I have a referral please?' thing, 'cause I'm 80% expecting skepticism and a resolute 'No'.
Or, you know, getting the referral and then being told I don't have ADD, there's just something wrong with me...
That and it puts me a few steps closer to telling my parents. Yuck.
But yeah, I've been printing checklists etc out, filling in forms and all that. Still not convinced I want to be taking meds for the rest of my life. (Getting ahead of myself again)
Also, I've just realised how terrible I am with money. I just spent £40 on Deadpool comics - coulda spent some of that on private assessment (£90 just for filling in a couple of forms at the closest centre to me!).
Rambling because I'm bored. Going to shut up now.
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Post by Babble on May 11, 2015 12:00:56 GMT
Really struggling at work now. I keep seeming to screw up, and I'm so uncertain of myself all the time that I can't tell whether its me or my manager that's the problem.
I get shouted at for taking the initiative, and shouted at when I don't. My head tells me that she's taking her anger out on me, but my heart is telling me that I'm just a screw-up. I'm getting anxious again when I thought I'd beaten it - I can feel the tension permanently in my shoulders when I'm at work, and I'm nervous - which all just makes it harder to think and more likely for me to make mistakes. I'm getting stomach aches all the time, and more than anything I just constantly don't want to be here any more, which is kinda unproductive in the workplace.
I'm getting really impatient to get the whole diagnosis thing going, 'cause I really need the help. I can't talk to my parents about it, and my friends don't really understand. I feel very isolated and 'crazy'.
I sent the forms off to join my local doctors last week, but I haven't had anything through in the post yet. When i do I'll be booking an appointment asap. I'm hoping they don't focus on the anxiety thing too much - they put me on propranolol last time, but it seemed to make my Adhd worse. Very light headed and much more trouble keeping my mouth shut. Was thinking of not mentioning it, but I realise it'll be in my medical record now.
Meh. Anyway. I need to get myself out of this rut. Try and be happier. For now though, lunch break is over and it's time to get back to work!
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Post by manson88 on May 11, 2015 22:25:13 GMT
Dnt feel isolated, at least here anyway we are all peer support!!
Just ask any of the senior members they are willing to give you support.!
They always been good to me...
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Post by tessaract on May 12, 2015 0:39:53 GMT
Welcome and from my own experience when you read something that sounds exactly like someone is making a description of you it probably means its true. On a side note, I told my mum over the phone...... me: "I think I have ADD" mum: "What!? Aids? " Me: "no ADD!" haha! At least she was relieved it was just ADD.....score!
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Post by Bee on May 13, 2015 11:20:02 GMT
Babble, that's how bullies work sometimes. They do it in such a way that you begin to believe that the problem might actually be you.
Saying things that have got just enough truth in them to make it believable. I've experienced this myself. 2 years I worked with this asshole. Making myself sick because of it.
My diagnosis came about because of him and his nasty little girlfriend.
It was my diagnosis that gave me the strength to finally say enough's enough! And make a change. I wish I'd done it sooner.
Don't let your manager make you feel like it's you that's wrong. It's her. She's the problem. She's the one who needs to put someone else down to feel better about herself.
ADHD or not, you don't deserve to feel like that any where or any time.
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Post by Babble on May 16, 2015 23:18:10 GMT
Hello all, sorry its taken me so long to reply. I've just gotten back from a short holiday up in Lancashire visiting family, so I'm only just getting round to proper internet usage again. Thank you so, so much for messages of support. Seriously, you've helped me feel better about the situation, and certainly less isolated. tessaract Lol that's certainly one way to do it! I'm glad she took it so well Bee Thanks for saying all that. I'm sorry you went through a similar situation, but I'm glad you came away from it on a positive note I really needed to hear that last bit actually. I need the reminder occasionally.
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Post by Babble on May 21, 2015 9:10:08 GMT
Finally signed up to the docs! Gonna book myself an appointment today hopefully (or tomorrow, since I've forgotten to bring my paperwork with me - genius). Feeling kinda nervous about it! Will have to figure out what to say beforehand, else I'll be a babbling wreck. Nothing new there though, I guess
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ladybug
Member's posted somewhat
Posts: 75
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Post by ladybug on May 21, 2015 13:31:56 GMT
Hi babble,
I lucked out and got a super chilled locum GP who just happily referred me and said 'oh, yes that does sound a bit full on' when i waffled on about my adhd symptoms!
What did help was that I took a printout of the details of the local adhd clinic that I wanted to be referred to and gave that to her. I also went armed with a printed list of symptoms and wrote down some examples of how they manifested themselves both now and when i was growing up. Oh and I printed out the NICE guidelines too but didn't need them.
I felt a bit better though having all this back up stuff...!
Good luck xxx
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Post by Babble on May 21, 2015 14:31:52 GMT
Hi Ladybug Sounds like good luck indeed! Hope I get someone so understanding (or at least sympathetic). Going armed seems like a brilliant idea, so I'll be printing some things off to take. I like the idea of writing how the symptoms manifested both now and when growing up too. I wont have testimony from parents, so hopefully the insight into childhood from me will help my case. Thank you for the support, help & wishes for luck - it's much appreciated xxx
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Post by Babble on Jun 1, 2015 0:06:32 GMT
Doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I'll be asking for a referral I think some of my current problems might be health related too, so hopefully they'll be able to help with that as well. Whatever type of 'yuck' that has me seems to be making the concentration/ working memory/ focus part of the ADD worse - which is horrifying, in all honesty. Doesn't help that I'm pain either. Kinda nervous. Even if I was 100% certain that I'd get the referral, I'd still be nervous. I'm going to be a ball of energy on the day - so I'll probably come across as more hyper than I actually am lol. I'm going to have to be stern with myself though, and make sure that anxiety doesn't get the best of me, 'cause then I'll just clam up. A silent, hyperactive crazy-woman doing breathing exercises in the waiting room lol. It'll be an experience if nothing else, I guess!
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Post by Babble on Jun 1, 2015 12:58:09 GMT
The fuzzy head is really bad today. Concentration is down to about 5 minutes if I'm lucky, and all organizational skills seem to have flown out the window. Pain is bad too. Feels like I'm going to be accidentally leaving limbs everywhere if I'm not careful.
Add onto that the fact that it's a) a shitty day, b) a busy day at work, c) I'm the only one in today, and d) the things I have to do are very important, complicated and/or potentially career-ending if I get it wrong. Also add onto that, Fri was an incredibly horrible day that left me in tears (and it ain't easy to make me cry!) that still has me feeling extra sensitive.
Basically I need about a million hugs. It's times like these that I really wish I had a girlfriend/boyfriend/anyfriend to cuddle up with...
And, yes, I'm whining. This my whine space, 'cause I don't do it anywhere else lol.
On the upside, my manager isn't in today, so I actually feel relaxed and not in danger of panic attacks. And I don't have work for two days after this. And I'm actually taking steps forward in getting myself sorted out tomorrow.
Just need to get through today, and then I'm golden!
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Post by Babble on Jun 2, 2015 16:00:38 GMT
So I had my doctors appointment today. Kinda disappointing in a way. I asked straight away for a referral.
Because of this bug or whatever it is I have at the moment, she decided the best course of action (which, yes, sounds like a good idea) is for me to have my blood tested.
But to, and I quote, 'Make sure it isn't just in [my] head' - because apparently I may be mistaking a lifetime of ADHD with symptoms of a (so far) month-long illness.
I get that the illness is exacerbating some traits like inability to concentrate, but I feel like she could at least have done me the courtesy of taking me seriously.
So I didn't get any answer towards the referral. I was hoping it'd be an in and out job, but it looks like my doc may take some convincing. I'll have another appointment soon to discuss blood test results, so I'll try again then.
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Post by Babble on Jun 19, 2015 11:56:26 GMT
Haven't been here for a while - RL getting in the way.
Struggling at work still. Fed up of the anxiety stomach aches.
Good news is I'm going away soon to meet some people, most important of all my best friend from high school. Looking forward to that!
I haven't pursued the ADD thing at the doctors any further, but I'm feeling better health-wise which is great! Just gotta get round to doing it all again. I've kinda lost momentum, and trying to find it again has been an uphill struggle.
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Post by manson88 on Jun 19, 2015 19:49:47 GMT
Babble Just hang in there, Just think of where are now & what you have to do to get where you wanna be! Don't give up or give in just remember that it took me 4 years to get a proper DX! Keep at it!
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Post by Babble on Jul 6, 2015 11:31:34 GMT
Been feeling a bit depressed recently, so not around much. Went on adventure up to Manchester, which was really nice. Just didn't enjoy the crippling self-hate and snide little voices in the back of my head that followed.
It'd be very easy to give up right now, especially as there are a lot of things coming to a head in my life. Stuff that I'm reluctant to do/ worried about/ dislike etc etc etc.
But keepin' on truckin' anyway. Telling my demons to bugger off, and trying to simplify things for myself while feeling low. Just thought I'd post an update since its been a while.
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Post by Babble on Jul 13, 2015 12:17:00 GMT
Feel like I'm maybe overreacting, or just being pathetic or something - worrying about depression.
It's too big of a word. Whatever I have is in no way as bad as other people, so I feel like I don't have the right to use it.
It's just... I've been having a rough time lately. I've never really looked into depression before, though I have definitely been low/ suicidal - I just put it down to teenage angst (though I had it really bad through my early 20's).
I'm having these really strong urges to hurt myself - strong enough to worry me, because usually I get by with digging my nails into my palms. At the moment though I keep having to put actual physical effort into stopping myself from doing stupid things, like bash my head against the door of a cupboard until I pass out, 'cause I just want everything to *stop*.
I don't want to die, I just want to not exist for a while. Does that even make sense?
I started looking into it anyway, because I've been feeling like this for a few months now. I've also been seeing a doctor for aches and pains, tiredness that wont go away, weird appetite changes and other things. I've had blood tests, but they've turned up nothing. I put my low emotional state down to being a symptom of the illness, but in reading an article online it occurs to me that what I thought was illness could actually be symptoms of depression.
But its so stupid! I have a job, steady income, friends and family I love. True, I have no social life, and my weekends are usually spent helping my parents out rather than doing anything fun, but I have it good compared to so many people!
Usually I take solace in reading, writing, or watching films, but nothing seems to hold my interest at the moment.
I don't even really want to post this because I'm just feeling overly sorry for myself, which I hate. Gotta put it somewhere though, 'cause I don't really talk to anyone about this sort of thing. Waaay too embarrassing.
Going to stop now and tell my brain to get a f**king grip.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 13, 2015 12:41:36 GMT
Hi Babble I wish I could give you a hug. I does sound like depression to me - I've been depressed on and off in varying degrees for most of my adult life. Having a job, friends and other good things in your life makes no difference at all to the way that you feel. I found that going to work and pretending to be OK for a while really helpful. In depression my overwhelming desire is just to disappear and not have to think or do or decide. Aches and pains, tiredness and appetite and not enjoying things that you used to are all indicitave of depression. As is wanting to hurt yourself. I've been on so many antidepressants and had so much therapy, but am now convinced that a lot of my triggers and symptoms of depression may be due to the ADHD. I've been though some diaries and writing that I've done when depressed over 30 years - and they all have the same feelings - nothing has changed - is it down to things in my personality? I'm not blaming ADHD for my depression, but I do feel that if I understand and treat it, my depression may come less often. Go to your GP. See if you can get some talking therapy and antidepressants if you feel you need them (SSRI's can have really bad side-effects, but are sometimes neccessary) And try again to get assessed for ADD/ADHD
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Post by contrarymary on Jul 13, 2015 18:30:26 GMT
((((( Babble))))) i'm with vagueandrandom in her kind & wise words - it does sound like depression. my own experience was also of wanting some time off from it all.... gradually realising that it wasn't that i didn't want to live (which is how it felt) but of not wanting to live as i was at that time and a sense of quiet desperation that nothing was changing, feeling stuck, going through the motions, wanting to scream or bang my head or take a drug or find a place to hide away and get a rest from it all depresion is not always as the text books say. it's not caused by an emotional state or by a rational or irrational response to what is going well/badly in our lives, but rather by the chemistry of the brain which manifests as feelings, or is felt as emotions. people with undiagnosed or untreated adhd frequently suffer from anxiety and/or depression, indeed may spend many years with intractable depression until the root cause of adhd has been identified and treated. i recall there was a very helpful thread on depression which i found when i first came across the forum. i'll have a wee look and will pop back with a link if i find it. meanwhile, why not think about making an appointment to talk to your GP about how you are feeling? hang in there xx
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Post by Babble on Jul 21, 2015 9:31:56 GMT
Thank you vagueandrandom and contrarymary for hugs and kindness Feeling a bit better at the moment - seems to come and go in waves. Keeping my head above water for now anyway. Have a plan heading forward to get myself sorted out. Buy a car. Pursue ADD diagnosis & ask about depression. I don't want meds for it, but I think having someone to talk to will help. Also hoping help with the ADD stuff will lessen the impact of the lows too. Anyway, just wanted to say thank you and that I'm doing okay. Not great, but okay. Helps to have people who understand and to turn to
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Post by Babble on Nov 26, 2015 10:19:49 GMT
Yeah... haven't posted here in a while. This is why I don't keep a journal - I always forget to write in them! Doing okay, still not gotten anywhere with the whole car/ diagnosis/ depression thing. Been very stressful at work, so mainly focused on staying alive and (relatively) sane. Will be reducing my hours from next week though, so hopefully I can catch up on 'life' stuff soon. Not feeling as depressed this week, which is nice, though last week was rough - had to reach out to Samaritans in a fit of desperation 'cause I was spiraling. Alright now though, and feeling a bit more optimistic. Next Tues I'm going to sit myself down and work through the gigantic list of things I need to do. Not much more to report aside from that. Still learning things about myself and ADHD, and a lot of that is thanks to the people on this forum. Can't tell you how grateful I am to everyone, don't know what I'd do without you all! Anyway, off now, work to do. Shouldn't really be on here while at work, but regular breaks help keep my focus ticking along Hope everyone is having a nice day!
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Post by Simba on Nov 27, 2015 1:26:42 GMT
Hi again As a deeply insecure person myself, I know it would take a lot for me to share to the same degree you have here. Takes courage! Although I have no real understanding of depression, I'm intimately familiar with novelty chasing / extreme boredom and I love talking bollocks with those of the same ilk
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Post by Babble on Nov 27, 2015 9:48:58 GMT
Hello Insecure should be my middle name, along with 'No-Filter' and 'I-Apologise-In-Advance' I'm not sure about courage - more I feel like I don't have to be ashamed about who I am here. It's a pretty freeing feeling tbh Sharing is caring and all that. Lol I love to talk bollocks, so feel free to do so here
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Post by Babble on Jan 21, 2016 11:07:48 GMT
Finally had enough.
Started crying at work today, which was extremely embarrassing. This week has just been screw up after screw up, and my manager finally called me on it - kept pushing to know why I didn't seem to care recently. I just couldn't explain it, and started crying out of sheer frustration/misery.
Ended up telling her about feeling depressed (first person I've ever told in person). I had a good three weeks, where I actually felt okay, but then recently it all hit me again. She sat me down and encouraged me to make an appointment with the doctors - get some help - which was really nice of her.
Think I'm going to actually do it. I've been thinking to myself quite often 'I can't keep doing this'. I know I need help, I'm just shit at asking for it. Going to do it this time though, because I really, really can't keep doing this.
Going to make an appointment and ask for an NHS referral for ADD - also going to try and get help for the depression. Finger crossed for a good result!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jan 21, 2016 12:56:06 GMT
I'm the worst person for asking for help, or admitting that I can't cope, yet have this overwhelming need to help others (whether they want it or not).
It's good that you've told them at work (I think). I've given up getting embarrassed by crying in public. I try to hold it in, but sometimes it's just better to give in to it.
Go to your GP. Living your whole life without knowing why you're like you are and doing stuff to please others and feeling worse about yourself isn't good.
You're not being selfish for looking for a way to make your life better, your mental and physical health and self-esteem affect the way the rest of your life will go.
Look after YOURSELF for a change.
*Hugs*
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Post by Babble on Jan 22, 2016 9:55:04 GMT
I know what you mean - I'm exactly the same vagueandrandom. Great at looking after others, not so great at looking after myself. I'm hoping its a good thing I've told them at work. My manager has had some experience with depression, so she's sympathetic. I'm going to try and keep what you said in mind - about it not being selfish to try and make my life better. I made an appointment with the docs last night, and not even 20 mins later I was thinking about cancelling 'cause that annoying voice in my head was insisting that I was making a fuss over nothing, and that I was putting people out for no good reason. I know I've got a problem though, and I'm going to deal with it. It's about bloody time I did. Thank you for hugs and words of encouragement - it means a lot
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Post by Babble on Jan 28, 2016 16:21:01 GMT
Just been to the doctors. First thing I asked for was an NHS referral for ADD assessment. The second was for help with depression.
They're giving me the second, but not the first. They seemed to focus on the 'lack of focus' part of my symptoms - said it could be depression related rather than ADD. Of course, me being me I didn't know how to get what I wanted to say into actual words. I took a print out with some ADHD info on it, but it didn't really help. They're referring me for counseling, and if the counseling team want to go the ADD route, then they'll look into it.
So not an outright 'no, sod off', more of a 'we'll see.'
Good in a way, since I'm about 80% sure I have ADD (95% on a good day... or should that be a bad day?) so as long as I'm patient that should come to light. Patience isn't exactly my strong suit, but there we go. Bad in a way, because I was hoping for help sooner.
Kinda 'blah' at the moment. Just relieved I'm getting help in some shape or form, even if it isn't in the exact shape and form I'd hoped for.
Anyway, making progress (slow, slow progress), which is better than nowt.
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Post by contrarymary on Jan 28, 2016 20:24:54 GMT
well done Babble it's all progress; the direction is forwards, and speed is unimportant
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