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Post by atomicwinter on May 12, 2015 20:06:58 GMT
Hi, I'm Becky.. A single mum from the North of England.
I've got two daughters, aged 7 and 2. The 7 year old is waiting for her appointment with CAHMS for ADHD assessment but they've said the earliest appointment they can give me is October.. (ridiculous!)
Anyway, I'm really hoping that by posting here, I could get some tips or pointers to help deal with her. She's incredibly intelligent and her school are constantly singing her praises but she has really bad attention problems and gets easily distracted.
The main problem though is at home. The second she is out of school or at home, it's like a switch goes off in her head and all hell breaks loose. If she doesn't want to do something then nothing could get her to do it. She gets very angry very quickly and then starts getting violent. She's pushed me and her sister down the stairs on several occasions, constantly hits her sister and myself, pushed her sister into the road while we've been walking, she has destroyed the house, picking all the wallpaper off and drawing all over the walls in pen. Her bedroom is completely trashed, pulled down the curtain rails, broken her bed and all the clothes storage.
As well as that, she's broken most of hers and her sister's toys, destroyed a painting her aunty made her for Christmas and is ALWAYS lying and making things up. She'll sit there and say she didn't do something that I've just seen her do, she steals food in the middle of the nights, and hides the wrappers and packets under her bed. She keeps her sister up all night and throws things at her whenever she falls asleep. The constant mouthing off, yelling and absolute refusal to do anything she's asked is really starting to test me. I can't cope anymore and am literally at breaking point.
Her father and I split up when she was 3 and she was the most polite, well-mannered, perfect child but since her dad left, she's been gradually getting worse and now these full blown tempers and outbursts are an almost every-night thing.
I've spoken to the GP about it, as well as the health visitors but all I've had from them is a load of rubbish about how it's because I'm doing something wrong and I'm treating my girls differently.. I have also been told that she's "just grieving" because her step father (the dad of my youngest) passed away in April last year. Even when I tell them that she was like this when he was alive, they don't listen.
I have tried just about everything I can think of to try and calm her down and am at breaking point. I am starting to feel like she would be best off living with her father and that's not something I would ever want to happen, but it's affecting my health, her sister's health and the neighbours are starting to make comments about the constant shouting and screaming from her in the afternoons. I'm now having to physically restrain her most evenings because she has hurt her sister so badly that she's now got a few scars and I'm increasingly worried that one of us will end up seriously injured soon.
Sorry for the essay, I am at a complete loss and could really use some pointers or guidance.. The GP say that she is probably suffering from ADHD or other behavioural problems, but they're refusing to do anything and tell me I just have to wait for the CAHMS appointment..
Can I go somewhere else or force the GP's hand? I can't deal with this for another day, let alone another 5-6 months..
Thanks in advance, from a very stressed and exhausted mummy...
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Post by blaze on May 12, 2015 20:42:31 GMT
Waiting lists are v long everywhere. You CD ask HV about local parenting courses, iv heard some are helpful. If she copes well at school CD you ask them for advice? Is the senco involved because I'd imagine they'd be the person to ask. I find raising your spirited child, highly sensitive children and active alert child really useful in coping with my twins. Do you have support for you? Home start or your local sure start worker? I find my girls pick up on how I feel and act out on that- often they react to what I feel before I realise how strssed/upset/drained I feel. Taking careof myself is opart of being emotionaly present for them. There are tines ofcourse when nothing works though, like my whole mth....
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Post by contrarymary on May 12, 2015 21:31:07 GMT
Hi Becky welcome to the forum. this has come up before, very similarly, with a junior school aged child and a toddler. I'm sure that if your younger daughter is at risk from her sister's behaviour then they have to do something. i don't remember the thread tho. it's worth bearing in mind that this is a forum for adults with adhd and altho some of us are parents, and some of our children have adhd, we don't have the range and depth of experience that you might find on a site aimed at parents of chidren with adhd. there is a fantastic organisation called ADDISS who are for parents/children with ADHD. they have a great website, forum and even a helpline with real people you can ring and talk to! their website is heregood luck!
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Post by atomicwinter on May 13, 2015 8:49:55 GMT
Oh brill thank you, And apologies for my oversight! I didn't realise this was for adults only, I'll go and check that link out now
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Post by blaze on May 13, 2015 10:10:38 GMT
Many of us have kids with ADHD or suspected ADHD so you're welcome to use the parent section here like we do. Smtimes having ADHD ourselves can give a better perspective, I'm sure its OK for anyone to use this forum too if you wish. Gd luck with getting help, think I will be starting down that road soon too.
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Post by Lesley on May 13, 2015 17:21:49 GMT
Oh brill thank you, And apologies for my oversight! I didn't realise this was for adults only, I'll go and check that link out now I'm sure CM didn't mean you shouldn't have raised your concerns here, Becky - just that not all of us have relevant experience and that ADDISS is the forum/website specifically for parents. I'm sure those of us who do have relevant experience will be glad to help, as blaze says. I hope you get lots of support both here and from ADDISS.
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Post by contrarymary on May 13, 2015 20:11:17 GMT
Oh brill thank you, And apologies for my oversight! I didn't realise this was for adults only, I'll go and check that link out now hi atomicwinterabsolutely no apology necessary. everyone is welcome, and most people are really happy to share their experience to help each other. it's great to have a space where our experience is accepted and understood. it's that ADDISS have great resources which i thought you'd find useful, and a real helpline (i'm well impressed!) good luck. let us know how you go
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Post by atomicwinter on May 14, 2015 9:09:23 GMT
I'm sure CM didn't mean you shouldn't have raised your concerns here, Becky - just that not all of us have relevant experience and that ADDISS is the forum/website specifically for parents. I'm sure those of us who do have relevant experience will be glad to help, as blaze says. I hope you get lots of support both here and from ADDISS. Oh not at all, I didn't mean for it to come across that way, I'd be grateful for any help at all at this point! We had a good day yesterday but that's the first evening in a long time where I've not had a real fight on my hands to get her into bed. We made it through a whole 24 hours without any violence.. I would absolutely love some input from people who understand and who also suffer as I am at a complete loss, I don't have any experience personally with ADHD and the gp has been so uncooperative it's unreal!
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2015 9:58:28 GMT
Oh brill thank you, And apologies for my oversight! I didn't realise this was for adults only, I'll go and check that link out now The site is aimed at adults with ADHD but we're not turning anyone away, that's not the site's ethos. Where are you? Many areas have parent groups, usually specialising in helping with education (eg statements), but more likely to be on your wavelength. And that's the depth of my input since I don't have kids. I also run support groups (mainly aimed at adult ADHDers) - parents are welcome. Even if it's just to sit around with some friendly adults and have a brew...they'll get 'it' and be sympathetic (because they used to be ADHD kids and realise what they did to their parents, some have ADHD kids too) rather than bash you over the head with 'you're a bad parent' crap. You mentioned 'north of England'. If in my area (Manchester) feel free to drop in on us or mail or phone me (link under this post) and our neighbours, ADHD Lancashire, are parent specialists. If you're not close phone Bee there for a chat.
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Post by blaze on May 14, 2015 10:21:20 GMT
Have yiu asked gp about melatonin? uote author=" atomicwinter" source="/post/89152/thread" timestamp="1431594563"] I'm sure CM didn't mean you shouldn't have raised your concerns here, Becky - just that not all of us have relevant experience and that ADDISS is the forum/website specifically for parents. I'm sure those of us who do have relevant experience will be glad to help, as blaze says. I hope you get lots of support both here and from ADDISS. Oh not at all, I didn't mean for it to come across that way, I'd be grateful for any help at all at this point! We had a good day yesterday but that's the first evening in a long time where I've not had a real fight on my hands to get her into bed. We made it through a whole 24 hours without any violence.. I would absolutely love some input from people who understand and who also suffer as I am at a complete loss, I don't have any experience personally with ADHD and the gp has been so uncooperative it's unreal! [/quote]
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Post by JJ on May 14, 2015 10:27:46 GMT
Hi atomicwinterI'm so sorry you're having such a hard time of things. I'm a mum, but haven't had the experiences you've talked about, although I saw my sister go through it with my nephew. His huge improvement came with ADHD medication but, while she was waiting, she read about and followed the advice on Oppositional Defiant Disorder (which is commonly comorbid with ADHD). It definitely made a noticeable, albeit slight, difference, although I'm absolutely not suggesting that all you need is a naughty stair and a star chart and it'll all be fine. However, it might help to have a read and see if there's anything you can take away from it. Did you get through to ADDISS? They promote and endorse a behaviour intervention thing called 1 2 3 Magic. I don't know anything about it, but it comes highly recommended. I don't know where you are, but they're holding a conference in Lancashire in June, and the founder of ADDISS is talking about this programme. Where are you in North of England? There are some very good ADHD organisations / people up there, if you say where, someone can point you to the closest one. At the conferences and presentations I've been to on ADHD, the behaviour issues they speak about are what you're describing, so if you can speak to an ADHD organisation that says they deal with children, you won't be dismissed or blamed, you'll be understood and supported by people who've been there too. As far as trying to get her seen sooner, I wonder if annie could advise? A friend of mine very recently got her child seen by a psych much sooner by making complaints verbally and in writing to the local camhs, and the head of the overall partnership that runs the local camhs and not backing down. Her daughter desperately needed to see someone but she also had the active support of her GP making complaints too. When I was trying to get my son seen, I took in a video I'd taken of him, so they could see for themselves. I also wonder whether you're telling the GP / HV enough about the impact it's having on you and your children - sometimes we're so beaten down, and so focussed on getting the needed appointment, that we don't get over properly the enormity of the impact - and they only get part of the picture, and they're not listening properly anyway. I can't see how, but she seems to think that telling them she was going to take her to see someone privately made a difference? There's also some emerging proper evidence that dietary changes can have a small positive impact - particularly higher dose omega 3 EPA fish oils and minimising blue and orange food colouring. Again, it's not going to turn things round, but it might take a slight edge off somewhere. I've just chucked out everything I can think of - some of it you already know / have already tried / is stating the obvious / unrealistic etc - but just in case Tell us whereabouts in the North you are then xx
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Post by blaze on May 14, 2015 13:52:40 GMT
Personally I'd 4ecommend against 123 magic, I worked in residential schools for yes so lots of kids 2ith ADHD, odd and much worse and any behaviour mod type programming is now recommendedagainst in my exexperience. Many kids with developmental disorders are also within the 15% of the population that qualify for being highly sensitive and there's so much literature on the long term psychological damage of using these forms of training on an average person never mind a more highly sensitive one. Its long been recognised that Skinner's exoeriements were done on rats and that applied to humans it can have many negative egfects. These things often appear t have an instant positive effect, before a downward spiral. The only unit we ever used behaviour programs in was the one that took in boys with sexualy aggressive behaviours- who were all on place of safety orders heading to secure units after their court harings- behaviourmod worked as control, nothing more. I still remember how I felt when treated this way and WD never apply it to my kids. Non violent communication works much better imo- and works for all areas of life. Teaches kids the long terms skills to manage their emotions rather than a passive aggressive technique to teach them to bottle them up. I always found the nvc principals more effective in dealing with challenging behaviour. How to talk so kids will listen is often recommended but I find growing up in trust; parenting without rewards or punishment much simpler and more practical to apply evenwith twin ppreschoolers. Aha parenting website is great also, straightforward easy to apply stuff. The original nvc book is well worth a read also. If 123 works for your kid that's great but I don't want you to think its the professionals ideal- lots look toward nvcor similar approaches for challenging behaviours and iv used these first hand with kids with ADHD, odd, ASD etc who have many other life complications and resort to violence straight off. Nvc is used by hostage negotiators, CALM trainers,police forces, councilors world over and applys to any situation in life so is worth reading before deciding what's right for your kid. I always instinctive dug my heals in further when anyone used behaviour mod to manipulate my behaviour, being far stuborner than average and holding a grudge are things if often found in kids with DDS, so using behaviour mod on them is creating a whole bigger problem. The need in our brains for instant gratification (because of low dopamine) often means reward charts don't work to motivate either. The article what the ADHD brain wants is a useful read. Gd luck whatever you decide
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2015 17:56:50 GMT
Tangential This organisation looks interesting CerebraThey're doing a workshop soon, link in via ADHD Lancashire or search their website (I'm too whacked at the mo).
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