Post by shiveringsky on Jul 2, 2015 16:27:56 GMT
Urgh. I feel woeful. Lower than low. Utterly depressed and unable to cope. Feeling like after 32 years of bleating on about it when down that there's no real point anymore. I feel a bit better since coming home from work. Not as anxious but still just flat or inverted or something. The tears have stopped.
It was my first day back from holiday, camping and solstice in the west country then Glastonbury. All of which were immensely wonderful, tiring and occasionally sombre. I have a festival family and they are the most magic random bunch of folk from round the country (kinda like you lot). All kinds of ages, walks of life, interest. So lovely and lovable and amazing. But you know what? I cant talk to them and I felt so crap. This anti-social, sleepy rainbow cow sat in her text or just not saying much at all. I hate it. I hate this part of me that just cannot connect to people. I'm one of the most warm-hearted affectionate people. Or I try to be. I love hugs but I cant find words. Conversely with close friends it is often that I cant shut up. But I like these people. I dont feel like they judge me at all for being me because they are just so lovely and their minds are open. There's no reason for me to clam up. But I do.
I hate my job. I dont think I should. It's part-time. Pretty easy-going. Non-profit (I have a stick up my arse about working to make rich men richer and avoid it where possible). I mentioned my ADHD in the interview and they still wanted me. But I know im not on my game. I was to do the new website and FUBAR sums it up. I cant focus on coding. My design is ok, but that's the fun bit. I dont think the job is the problem. I am. Ive been there 14 months now and it's like I breached some barrier. Ive only ever had one job in my life where I didnt mind getting up in the morning and going to my desk and 2 months into being there the place went into administration. I dont know what I could do to be self-employed. And even if i was good at enough at something, getting things done. Lighting my own fuse... i just dont seem capable of it.
In short: I feel hopeless. I know this dip will end, but I know it will return again and again and again. And I just dont see anything improving in the meantime. I am my own worst enemy.
It was my first day back from holiday, camping and solstice in the west country then Glastonbury. All of which were immensely wonderful, tiring and occasionally sombre. I have a festival family and they are the most magic random bunch of folk from round the country (kinda like you lot). All kinds of ages, walks of life, interest. So lovely and lovable and amazing. But you know what? I cant talk to them and I felt so crap. This anti-social, sleepy rainbow cow sat in her text or just not saying much at all. I hate it. I hate this part of me that just cannot connect to people. I'm one of the most warm-hearted affectionate people. Or I try to be. I love hugs but I cant find words. Conversely with close friends it is often that I cant shut up. But I like these people. I dont feel like they judge me at all for being me because they are just so lovely and their minds are open. There's no reason for me to clam up. But I do.
I hate my job. I dont think I should. It's part-time. Pretty easy-going. Non-profit (I have a stick up my arse about working to make rich men richer and avoid it where possible). I mentioned my ADHD in the interview and they still wanted me. But I know im not on my game. I was to do the new website and FUBAR sums it up. I cant focus on coding. My design is ok, but that's the fun bit. I dont think the job is the problem. I am. Ive been there 14 months now and it's like I breached some barrier. Ive only ever had one job in my life where I didnt mind getting up in the morning and going to my desk and 2 months into being there the place went into administration. I dont know what I could do to be self-employed. And even if i was good at enough at something, getting things done. Lighting my own fuse... i just dont seem capable of it.
In short: I feel hopeless. I know this dip will end, but I know it will return again and again and again. And I just dont see anything improving in the meantime. I am my own worst enemy.