Post by jonbob on Sept 9, 2015 22:25:27 GMT
It's tough for me to write this. If I'm honest, I'm not entirely sure what to say. Got out of a meeting with my psychiatrist yesterday and it's looking like I'm not going to be able to take medication to 'treat' the condition. Turns out I'm a side-effect magnet - particularly the crappy ones. I've lived with this condition for 35 years, only knowing that there was a fairly strong chance I might have ADHD for the last 2 of those. Confirmation of diagnosis was a godsend. You know the routine the 'Eureka!' moment that we all have when everything slots into place. It felt like coming home.
Sadly, that joy was fairly short lived. Meds started as soon as the condition was confirmed, the aforementioned side effects started a couple of days afterwards. Concerta did what it was supposed to, sadly it did a lot that I'd rather wasn't the case too. As for Straterra? Well let's just say that I was on the lowest dose and that was far from being a picnic in my case. Again, all of the crap on the list you hope you don't get. Major bummer.
So it turns out that my options are now limited, there's another variant of MPH that they can trial me on, though the suggestion seems to be that in all likelihood I'll have the same issue with that as I did the Concerta.
An 'untreatable' then by the looks of things - certainly from a pharmaceutical perspective at the very least. That brings me onto my current, somewhat, turbulent mindset. In the UK, ADHD hasn't really been recognised as a disability in the way that some of the other neurodevelopmental issues has. Doesn't stop from feeling massively disadvantaged a lot of the time though. I'd hoped that the medication might help to balance that problem out. When my psychiatrist asked me what I hoped I'd get out of the meds, the answer was fairly simple: A chance to live on a level playing field. Now it's looking like I'm not going to have the same route to that as many other folks have got. If I dwell on that, it's fairly easy to become despondent if I'm honest. Something that I was hoping was behind me.
To try and combat that thought process, I'm trying to challenge my own point of view. A self-enforced 'paradigm shift' if you will. Try to stop looking at my own ADHD as a disabling factor, and instead, look at it as a difference. Birds can fly, fish can swim. In most cases, if a fish tried to fly or a bird swim, it wouldn't work. But neither would view the other as disabled - only different. It's hard for me to change my perspective on this, counterintuitive in many respects, but at the same time pretty vital. If I look at myself as being screwed as a result of my ADHD, then I'll be in trouble before long, I simply can't let myself slip.
I'm not working currently. Indeed I'd hoped that once the meds were ticking over nicely, I could start to rebuild on that front. Again, that's looking much more challenging now that I'm a drug free zone. The whole PIP/ESA/ATOS farce that some have experienced has really put me off trying apply. Add to that the fact that I'm having to take an 'I'm not disabled' stance to preserve my sanity and I guess it's be even more likely that I'd be unsuccessful in that respect.
So yeah. Am I disabled? Am I different? Neither alternative is simple. Each bringing their own complications. As the subject header says: Where is my mind?
P.S. Hope you like this version of the song. Any fans of Fight Club should recognise the cover. Or - and bonus points for this - if you've been watching Mr. Robot, you'll have heard this one before.
Sadly, that joy was fairly short lived. Meds started as soon as the condition was confirmed, the aforementioned side effects started a couple of days afterwards. Concerta did what it was supposed to, sadly it did a lot that I'd rather wasn't the case too. As for Straterra? Well let's just say that I was on the lowest dose and that was far from being a picnic in my case. Again, all of the crap on the list you hope you don't get. Major bummer.
So it turns out that my options are now limited, there's another variant of MPH that they can trial me on, though the suggestion seems to be that in all likelihood I'll have the same issue with that as I did the Concerta.
An 'untreatable' then by the looks of things - certainly from a pharmaceutical perspective at the very least. That brings me onto my current, somewhat, turbulent mindset. In the UK, ADHD hasn't really been recognised as a disability in the way that some of the other neurodevelopmental issues has. Doesn't stop from feeling massively disadvantaged a lot of the time though. I'd hoped that the medication might help to balance that problem out. When my psychiatrist asked me what I hoped I'd get out of the meds, the answer was fairly simple: A chance to live on a level playing field. Now it's looking like I'm not going to have the same route to that as many other folks have got. If I dwell on that, it's fairly easy to become despondent if I'm honest. Something that I was hoping was behind me.
To try and combat that thought process, I'm trying to challenge my own point of view. A self-enforced 'paradigm shift' if you will. Try to stop looking at my own ADHD as a disabling factor, and instead, look at it as a difference. Birds can fly, fish can swim. In most cases, if a fish tried to fly or a bird swim, it wouldn't work. But neither would view the other as disabled - only different. It's hard for me to change my perspective on this, counterintuitive in many respects, but at the same time pretty vital. If I look at myself as being screwed as a result of my ADHD, then I'll be in trouble before long, I simply can't let myself slip.
I'm not working currently. Indeed I'd hoped that once the meds were ticking over nicely, I could start to rebuild on that front. Again, that's looking much more challenging now that I'm a drug free zone. The whole PIP/ESA/ATOS farce that some have experienced has really put me off trying apply. Add to that the fact that I'm having to take an 'I'm not disabled' stance to preserve my sanity and I guess it's be even more likely that I'd be unsuccessful in that respect.
So yeah. Am I disabled? Am I different? Neither alternative is simple. Each bringing their own complications. As the subject header says: Where is my mind?
P.S. Hope you like this version of the song. Any fans of Fight Club should recognise the cover. Or - and bonus points for this - if you've been watching Mr. Robot, you'll have heard this one before.